My MIL was widowed a few years ago, then had surgery with complications. She lived about 2 hrs away. We quickly prepared a room for her, and invited her to move in with us after short term inpt rehab, to recoup for as long as needed. She ended up staying for a year, selling her home in the next state over. She moved to sr housing around the corner. Failed driving test, so no more of that. Her main health issues are obesity, incontinence (bladder and bowel) and RA/OA. She is able to walk for about 2-5 minutes at a time. Able to dress herself with a lot of effort. Does not cook at all. I go over 3x a week to give her a shower, help her dress. We have pursued extensive options with the incontinence - she even has a spinal cord stimulator for it- but not working. She finally agreed to wear depends 24/7 as the staining of carpets, car seats, furniture and clothing was just too much as were the accidents in public places If we're out she will refuse to use a bathroom all day long -"I don't need to go". However, she still tries to get by without wearing any protection at times or leaks around the protection she is wearing. Not sure if she is just beyond caring, in denial, or something else. She has been instructed that getting in to void every couple hours, whether she feels the need or not, would help, but just doesn't follow through. Part of it is that pulling up her pants is hard due to bad shoulders, but she is not receptive to easier clothing choices. One of her friends in the building stopped by the other day to let her know that there is a lot of talk among the residents about the odor and the wet trail she leaves in the common areas (she did it in a kind, helpful - meaning way). I went to pick her up the other day to come to dinner at our house and she was waiting at the door, soaked with urine, and not intending to change. I ended up putting something over the seat of my car, running in to grab a depends and pants. When I helped her change at my house- found out she wasn't wearing any depends - she said her theory that day was to just sit on a towel in her chair because her bowels were loose that day.
What we are now facing, is that we had planned to move her back in with us this spring. She is planning to pay to have a room put on (the former room is now my son's). I work 30 hrs a week as a home care PT. My kids are 18 and 14. My husband also works. We have provided incontinence care, showers, transportation, laundry, etc etc and thought it would be easier to manage the care here where we are in the same place. She is excited to move in. She's in general good health, just very inactive, becoming more obese and this makes the incontinence and mobility worse. I am doubting my willingness to commit to her care for years to come. She's a very nice lady who appreciates the care we give. I am just feeling "caregivered out", especially as my work is also caregiver based.I see families who have so much more care involved than this, though most are either not working/raising teens at the same time or have some level of paid help. She is not receptive to hiring help beyond the 3 hrs of homemaking assist she gets - says she can just do it herself - but doesn't, thus I do the showers, etc with her. Part of me wants to either insist on more hired help or even assisted living, but I feel like I'm breaking a commitment. Her other children live far away and I am jealous that they don't have to think about this on a daily basis or provide any hands on care.
Any thoughts or ideas are much appreciated.
Good Going Lauras! Keep On Standing Your Ground, We are All here behind you, CHEERING YOU ON!
It is one thing when caring for an individual that accepts incontinence. It is quite another to care for an individual that wets themselves and does not have a problem with it. Your MIL refusing to use the bathroom or allow herself to be cleaned means she is in control of the situation. She cannot have that control if you are caring for her. She must not sit in urine soaked pants, and if she does not mind that you are in for a world of distress. When your MIL is willing to cooperate in this manner then you can discuss moving her in. Until then, I would stop any addition and save the money for additional care or aides at the center.
My MIL lived with me a decade ago for 4 years. I loved the woman and she suffered Alzheimer's. My husband has 7 brothers, no sisters, and we had her. My husband did not contribute to her care as he had promised and it caused many issues in our marriage. I would reconsider if at all possible.
Thanks again!
I just can't see anyone who would benefit from MIL living in your home.
My husband is still not happy with my sibs leaving me alone in the care of Mom, but does not make comments like he used to. It only added stress to me. I don't ask him for help with Mom and I don't expect it, as it was mostly my decision to care for her 5 years ago. At the time my 6 sibs said they would pitch in, but that lasted about a year!
Now my husband is dealing with his dad who is going to be 103 in July! His older sister is the primary caregiver, but my husband helps whenever he is needed. I think watching me care for Mom alone these past 5 years is a big factor in how he helps his sister whenever needed. By the way, his dad still lives alone and has all his faculties! He is amazing, but his body is starting to slow down and give him some trouble. At least he knows when to ask for help and calls his doctor for anything that bothers him physically.
Laurus, I hope you can get your husband to see how hard this will be, especially on you! It will be a huge change for the entire family so make sure you are all in on the decision. Good luck!!
If she has the $$ to build a room for herself then I assume she has funds to pay for in home help. To me it sounds like an all around bad deal for you! At least with your job, you can leave it and go home. With her there, what will you walk into every day? If she has access to your entire house, including the bathroom, YIKES!!!! You will definitely find presents when you get home! I would have a very serious conversation with your family. especially your husband, and let them know what they will be in for, because when you are not home and they are, and she has an "accident", they will have to deal with it.
Get her evaluated to see if she is in the beginning stages of dementia and then if you do decide to take her in, have a very serious conversation with her about the hygiene issues and her laziness, or you will resent the fact that you ever took her in. It is ultimately your decision and you need to cover all the bases before you move her in. Good luck, you have some very serious thinking to do!
Go around and read other stories and questions.
Life is not paid back, it's paid FORWARD.
She has made her choices. Let it go.