Hi everyone,
I'm new here, but I saw people who posted about a similar issue. So a little background. I'm 30 years old and move back home two years ago to live with my mom and teen brother. I moved predominantly to start a business together with my mom who is 54 years old. We are best friends and we are finally working on our business together, just around the corner from opening it. About a week ago, we discovered that my 19-year old brother was stealing money from her bank account by transferring money to his old high school checking account. My brother used to get in trouble as a teen and barely graduated from high school, but in the last year or so he really made significant improvements. I in part helped raise him because we have a large age difference and my mom is a single mother. I say this because I have always been like a secondary caregiver to him. Aside from the stealing he is enrolled in community college and the last few weeks he has been oversleeping and just not attending classes, which is the type of behavior he used to have in high school. To his credit he is intellectually very smart and so his grades are fine despite the lack of responsibility. When we discovered that he's been stealing though I really struggle to put into words the disappointment I feel. It honestly breaks my heart and angers me because I'm very protective of my mother who works harder than any person I know and on top of it, she is still working a full time job while we get our business going and therefore essentially supporting the three of us. I was working previously, but we made the decision together that I would focus on the business full time right now. That's neither here nor there, I'm just sharing the context of this situation. My brother has seen how hard we are working and has even been involved in the process as a family member, assisting me with social media here and there. His assistance has NEVER been disregarded, but then he proceeds to steal. It is a very sensitive topic because my mother's youngest sister was the same way and stole from everyone in the family, including my mom and her parents. So I also have this newfound fear that my brother may have inherited this attribute somehow. I'm here because I don't know what to do. It is laying heavy on my soul. My mother has asked me to ignore him and she is ignoring him as well, but I don't see how this is a solution. It just feels like we are ignoring the problem and furthermore I can't be in a living space ignoring someone who despite despicable behavior, I love. On the other hand, I am so disappointed in him that I truthfully don't have the energy to say anything to him. It feels futile and I guess this is after years of bad behavior coming to a boiling point and the disappointment lays heavy because I genuinely thought he was doing better. I tremendously appreciate any input. This is a time when I'm supposed to focus on my business, but my mind drifts and I feel burdened by this.
Do not mingle your money. Your business account needs to be secured. Only two signatures and only yours and Moms.
I reconcile my bank statement so I would have caught that withdrawal the first time it was done.
Ignoring the elephant in the room only makes the elephant feel more powerful and invincible. Confront him but not with hostility, just with facts and no emotions. Lay out the truth and let him know the gravy train has dried up now.
You cannot allow HIS behavior to crush YOUR life or your goals. Take a deep breath and move forward.
Good luck to you.
In the meantime, keep all money in a bank account that he can't access. Don't leave money around the house. Pay bills automatically from that account online. (This is a skill that you'll need for your business anyway.) Make sure your phones and computers have passwords that he doesn't know, and don't write them down anywhere.
If he refuses help he needs to go elsewhere. Your mom needs to be educated on how she's enabling him, which isn't going to help anything. You may have to give up your dream of owning a business with mom, because she may not be trustworthy, and you both could end up losing everything.
I can't think of a single non-married business partnership that is succeeding. You will make terrible business decisions because you're dealing with your Mom, and you do anything to avoid hurting her. Please don't tie yourself to her...I'm begging you, just like I begged my son not to go in with his buddy. It will be so messy and in the end it may damage your relationship beyond repair.
Do you think without intervention he is going not to do it again? Even with changing bank account.
He needs to be confronted and told that he needs to repay money. Part time job and even paying some would be better than ignoring problem.
And why isn't your mother directly confronting him about taking her money, oversleeping and missing school? She's enabling Bad Behavior. She is his mother, right? How does she ignore it? And why is she putting the burden on you?
She'd be doing him a favor by setting him straight. There don't seem to be any boundaries. I don't understand why you're walking on eggshells and she's not dealing with the problem directly. And, if your mother doesn't deal with it now, she's just setting him up for much worse later. Maybe it's your mother that you need to advise - shouldn't she be stepping up to managing this with your brother?
Wishing you the best ~
OMG! Your family is a hot mess. Ignoring problems and not confronting them is not the healthy way to deal with things.
And the fact that you're trying to start up a business with your mom when you have a thief living under the same roof, is only asking for trouble and increasing the odds of your business failing, before it even gets off the ground.
I would be seriously rethinking your decision to move back home and would instead be looking for a "real" job and get back out on your own away(far away) from your mom and brother and the dysfunction that is sadly your family.
And yes, call the police and report the theft, as if it's not nipped now, it will only continue to get worse. Someone has to be the adult here since your mom's choosing not to be.
Really?
He is stealing from his own family. I fail to see how attending community college forgives THAT.
Theft is a felony. It is time now to report your brother to authorities for HIS OWN GOOD and for the good of your entire family.
If you and your mother cannot do this then the best place for you to be is at least 1,000 miles from your mother and this young man.
There is absolutely NO WAY to protect a family business from a clever thief. NO WAY. By staying you enable a criminal and endanger all you work for. To say nothing of society at large.
Sorry, but I have no sympathy with this behavior whatsoever.
I believe we carefully teach our children right from wrong. When they choose the latter they are on their own with that. That's just me.
You will choose for your own life. That's your right. I wish you only the best.
My husband and I have a business we built together since 1982 (when I was in my senior year of college). Being a business owner is strenuous and often doesn't succeed or pay off right away.
Stealing is a feature behavior of those with drug addictions or without morals and/or a conscience. Make sure your room has a solid lock on it. Don't leave out anything you value (including your purse, wallet, laptop, phone, etc), and don't leave any medications in a common bathroom. Protect your accounts with strong passwords. Check your credit score often.
You are not responsible to raise or discipline your brother. You aren't responsible for him or your Mom's happiness. You really have no power in this situation except to have clear and strong boundaries or you WILL get trampled. If I were you, I'd figure out how to move out. Don't allow your Mom to become dependent upon your income to pay for any of her living expenses as this will be a boat anchor that will eventually sink you.
Go to Al Anon and ask your brother to go with you. He'll probably say no, but maybe if you keep asking he'll say yes.