Hello all,
I'm a 24 year old female who has been caring for my mother for 7 years now due to an autoimmune liver disease that led to liver failure and consequent transplant and diabetes. When she first started to get sick I was in my junior year of high school and I have been my mother's caregiver ever since. I have handled all of her financial obligations and household duties despite having two older (27 and 29) siblings who although aren't as close with my mother, are still capable of helping her for certain things. She still requires daily care and has very frequent doctors appointments but I am at a point where I feel my life is on hold.
I am currently in school for my masters degree and have been with my boyfriend for 6 of the past 7 years as a caregiver. He moved in to help me when my mother went in for her transplant as she was hospitalized for months and I was unable to maintain the household myself and be at the hospital with her, which was out of state. I am at a point where I feel I am now ready to start my own life outside of my childhood house but do not know how to approach the subject as my mother still requires my daily care. We are extremely close and I fear me telling her I want to move out and be my own person rather than a constant caregiver will send her into a depression as she will then be in the house alone.
She is not in a position where I feel that she needs to move into any assisted living as she is only 52, but I do feel that she will not be able to be without someone there for her medical needs (she has some drains in her liver that she cannot reach that have dressing and require to be cleaned daily. While I do feel a nurse can come in to do these tasks, I am not sure she will be open to the idea as she has never had to have outside care as I have always made myself available.
My siblings do not seem overly willing to help with the more delicate tasks as they do not have the experience I do, but I only have it due to no one else wanting to. I'm at my end and am just looking for people who understand to help me with my sanity over this situation.
Lealonnie is correct too. I also feel it should be presented as matter of fact instead of a suggestion. I have always felt more comfortable with this approach because it erases any doubt. It’s clear cut.
Most of all, be at peace with your decision. Please don’t allow guilt to cause you to alter your choices. Stay on track with this and things will fall into place.
I think you need to get ur ducks in a row before you do anything. Is your Mom on disability? Is she considered low income? Can she afford someone to come in and help with the drains? Are the drains temporary?
If Mom fits the criteria, she maybe able to get Medicaid homecare. Check with her insurance to see if they pay for a nurse if doctor orders it.
Then you need to talk to siblings. Tell them its time for them to help out. That its time for you to a life of ur own.
Like need says, try to find a caregiver that can help, so you can move forward with life.
Wish you all the best
Best of luck!
You do need to move forward with your life. There are opportunities waiting for you after you graduate. Even before you graduate you need to be researching and planning for your future.
Be kind and honest with your mom. Tell her that you were glad that you have been able to help her. Tell her that you feel a close bond with her and that is why you feel that she will understand that it is time for you to put forth the effort to ensure a promising future.
Thank her for raising you to become the responsible adult that you have become.
I have two daughters near your age and I want them to live their own lives. That is the ultimate goal In parenting. Your mom realizes that you will need to tend to your own needs.
Look into suitable caregivers that will help care for her needs and I am sure that she won’t feel as if you are kicking her to the curb.
Best wishes to you and your mom and I wish you all the best regarding your future endeavors.
I don't know how you should have the talk with your mom about you leaving, but I definitely think you should leave. Perhaps ask your siblings if they will be part of the (continuing) conversation.
If she resists or complains, oh well. You have a life to live, move out and live it! Also big props for being so successful in school with so much on your shoulders.