What can one do to stop a verbally abusive sibling from coming over to see mom who lives with me? During these visits she tells her things about me that are not true and upsets her to the point where she is now needing more and more anxiety meds. This sibling also texts me calling me vile names and making accusations that I'm stealing her money. I'm at my wits' end.
It sounds like you are the one responsible for your mom's care. Try deleting and not reading your sister's text messages.
I'm sorry that I don't have any good suggestions here. I went through a similar incident with my sister except that it was about my caregiving skills that I was rendering to my disabled younger sister that I got manipulated into taking care of. I was a trained Certified Nursing Assistant. The older sister kept calling Adult Protective Services on me. Finally, I was able to get in contact with a government agency to have younger sibling placed in a group home. It was a three year process. I moved out of the family home and haven't been back after my dad died in 2014. I did go back once and that was to retrieve pictures that were left behind of the grandkids. My pictures of my high school graduation and pets were probably thrown out in the trash by my father's wife or one of her daughters. It is a long story. Nothing worked out in my behalf while I was in that hellish situation. Actually, it started with my mother who was an alcoholic and died of cancer.
The guy that I wanted a long term relationship with had second thoughts and tossed me to the curb. He was no prize anyway. I ended up in a horrible marriage that took me seven years to get out of followed by a couple a bad relationships. It was like all of the good guys had been picked and the only thing that was leftover were folks with problems and needing caretaking. I went through periods of not dating and just focused on college, raising my daughter, and taking trips to the mountains on weekends with my ex husband.
This caretaking business is for the birds. It will eat up a large portion of your life including dried up finances, job loss, missed opportunities just for keeping someone else healthy while your life is going down the drain.
If I had more independence, I would not have been so bogged down on taking care of other people and started looking out for myself.
Learn to draw a healthy balance between caretaking and your life. Take online classes to increase your chances of getting a good job if you don't work. Stay on top of things for your life. You will need your strength and energy for your own needs.
It is only so much you can do for mom at this point. Try to get some fun activities in for yourself. You can't give away all of your time to other people including losing time and your mental capacity to handle your own life.
:)
and
“You can't give away all of your time to other people including losing time and your mental capacity to handle your own life.”
very true.
kind people of the world, be careful. protect and cherish your own life!
see a counselor on how to handle your sister
Second, if your mother wants to see your sister, she has every right to.
You have every right to not allow those visits to take place in your home. You should tell your sister at once that she is not welcome in your home and if she wants to see your mother then the two of you work out a pick up time and a drop off one.
Then you tell your mother the same thing I told mine
"If you are at a point where you are going to work yourself up into hysterics over nothing, you will have to be put into a nursing home. I will not be able to help you anymore because I will not tolerate this behavior and allow it to dominate my life. Nor will anyone else. So the only option will be a care facility."
Watch how fast your morher's anxiety and hysterics improve. I don't know you and your mother, but if she suffers from such extreme mental illness of advanced dementia that she has lost control of herself, then she belongs in a care facility.
She can also tell your sister that she doesn't want to visit her alone or not at all.
I might go as far as going to a lawyer, if Mom can make her own decisions, and have a lawyer draw up a cease and desist letter telling Sister because of her verbal abuse and the heighten anxiety it causes Mom, that she is no longer welcome to your home. If any harassment is involved, a restraining order may be filed. That means if she shows up, you can call the police.
If she is not abusive to Mom, its just her abuse towards you that heightens Moms anxiety, then tell her she is no longer welcome in your home. If she wants to see Mom, she is welcome to pick her up for a visit or you will drop Mom off at her house. Have someone besides Mom witness the conversation. She will not be able to go over the threshold of your front door. And she must call ahead so Mom is ready because, again, she will not be able to enter the house.
Keep those texts and emails. Once you state ur boundries, put them in writing in a text or email.
and respectful.
Be sure to record any conversations about you.
A joint visit with a Geriatric Psychiatrist may help both of you.
When we got our Dad away from his ex-wife and took him to the dr. for the first time since getting POA, he had gained 9 pounds and his vitals went back to normal. What does that tell you???
That's when we knew we had don the right thing.
I just watched a Judge Judy episode where a brother with no job moved in and wrecked havoc with everybody in the house, then turned around and tried to sue them. Judy said, " No job, no house, no contribution to the home, none of your business." Case dismissed.
NOBODY knows what a caregiver goes through. NOBODY, unless they have been there. Change you locks if you can, and follow through on reporting your sibling if necessary. Either that, or the sibling can come if supervised by a trusted friend or relative. BTW....we even changed our phone numbers. Kid you not, but that absolutely took a huge load off.
Someone mentioned a Cease and Desist order here. So maybe that kind of language would make your sister think twice. I don't know. I hope it gets resolved for the sake of yours and your mother's mental health.
If your mom continues to see her and be upset about you afterward, sit down with her and say, "Mom, I hate that sis is hurting our relationship and making you upset. I love you, I take care of you, and I want our relationship to continue to be strong and happy. I can't do that if you think I'm ripping you off in some way. I hate that you're so anxious because Sis has told you things that aren't true. So if this continues, I'm really sorry, but you're going to have to find another place to live. Maybe Sis will take you in. Maybe it's time for an assisted living facility. But this can't go on. Okay? Love you."
If your mom isn't capable of making these life decisions anymore, get POA and guardianship and do what you have to do to save yourself. Your life shouldn't be misery because your parent is still alive.
You might have to embellish the truth a bit by saying that the doctor would like it if visits were filled with as much positivity, calm, and encouragement towards your mom as possible because stress causes so much anxiety. Tell your sibling to put animosity aside and prioritize MOM.
I mean you wouldn't be lying, because this is exactly what your mom needs.
I would reframe from getting into any type of verbal back/forth, especially in front of your mom.
As for you dealing with accusations, you know what is true and what's not, throw out the **, and just shut it down with no response period. (Walk Away) You are doing a wonderful, wonderful thing being there for your mom, and this takes a lot of LOVE from you, so I'm betting you're pretty terrific.
Take care of yourself!
M
You have to get a back bone. No one is going to stand up for you, but you. It sux but you need to learn to do it. Some people learn to do it early in life, some later. But everyone on the planet must learn to, or they will be walked on, upset, and and abused.
Your sibling is lashing out, bc she is jealous of something. Maybe you two have a close relationship. Or she thinks your taking her money. You could show her the bills, but she lost that courtesy, by creating problems and calling you vile names. She shouldn't be given one inch. She's done.
CUT her off. Do it for several months. You might have to do it forever. She has no right to do what she is doing. If she behaves, sev months later, she can call your mom, but if it happens one time. That's it. Done.
Only you can put a stop to it.
There will be nasty push back. It will get ugly. Do it by text. That way she's not in your face. If she calls don't answer, or hang up the phone. If she shows up and pounds on the door, don't answer. If she continues tell her to leave or your calling the police. In my case my sibling called the police. She thought she had a right to my home. She really did it, bc she thought she could embarrass me. I wasn't. Police cannot make you come to the door. They cannot make you let her in. Don't be intimidated. My sibling didnt know I knew that. She had the cop call me to let her in. I didn't answer the phone. I laughed. Yes, some people will take it that far. Only a narcissist would do that. Trying to manipulate me, and the cop to get her way. She should have been ticketed for wasting the cops time.
She will probably tell you, she has a right to come into your house, bc mom is there. No she doesn't. It is your place. Do not cave. If you put boundries in place, she will respect them or leave.
If she is in your house, and starting problems and won't leave, call the police. You cannot back down, bc she is going to push to see how far she can get. You must not back down, ever. Or she will continue wreak havoc in your life. Good luck.
Tell sibling that when you can trust them to behave like a reasonable ADULT person instead of a brat who gets off on causing havoc, THEN, and ONLY then will they again be welcome.
Until then? Nope.
it is your home and you can have whoever you want there. the sibling is doing nothing advantageous by coming over. maybe a phone call would be better.
If you must deal with your sibling - for your sanity, don't keep re-hashing in your mind the friction between you and your sister. You’re too busy. Only focus on things that practically need to be done in your day. You’re a caregiver, and it is your responsibility to protect your mom’s protector. Everyday accomplish some tasks and then pat yourself on the back.
You know that friction takes two surfaces. If you don't engage sis is a lone boxer in the ring. How foolish does that look. Look at her as though she's boring, pitiful or unimportant. Your face will communicate that and it'll burn her out after a while. You mom's reaction though, unfortunately, will be fuel for her. You may want to help your mom with a counselor, or lots of hugs from you and words like - hey you know how sis is. She's having a difficult time growing up.
In sis's presence, you’re a disconnected alien observer, breath deeply to do this, and know to your marrow that you don't have to acknowledge her existence even while you look dead in her eyes. Look through her. She's not there. She's a sad speck, and she's nothing but wearing. With practice your mind realizes that your sister is an annoying pimple, an insect to be curiously noticed for a second, (oh, yeah, her), then disregarded and shooed away. Don’t involve your heart regarding her. She doesn’t have a heart as a self-serving manipulator.
Get sound blocking ear plugs or covers. Set up a play list of music that can't possibly work well with your sister's mouth. Gotta be something that your mom likes. Let your sister come in hearing you both singing.
If you can’t stop her from yapping to your mom, (I can’t imagine why not), ask your mom to tell you when she’s had enough of sis, then tell your sister that you both are going to church and then go for a ride with mom.
It takes practice. It’ll be more difficult if you permit poison access to you. You'll backslide and YOU will let sis get under your skin, but do a mental exercise of peace, superior kindness, and being aware of triggers that you can actually dismiss after awhile. Practice relaxing and letting go. Your sister does not exist if you’d like, and you are a powerful protector of your home and mom. If sis screams, you say - Sorry time to go. You will get crazy good at this if you keep it up. Second nature.
Every inch of your insides have to be warm, gentle, wise, sweet absolute power. The moment you engage in an emotional exchange you will not be able to think. Your blood vessels will take a hit, which is aging, and you hand over control.
If you feel compelled to say something to your sister maybe you can say - The way I give care may be different from how you’d like me to, but we’re both showing our hands here and heaven forbid you need someone in the distance future tell me how you would want to be cared for and I’ll make sure that you have it your way.
Get two baby cams.
If you'd like, put your purse in a not too obvious, obvious nook, have $15.00 in it, (no cards) and another $5.00 in a little in between place of that same wallet and leave to get everyone ice tea, or go to the powder room. Not nice, but you’ll have a little more leverage if you record her fiddling with your purse.
More importantly, remember, you are Ms. Clever Godzilla super hero in a silent movie. Civil talking is okay but no-word-sword fights.
If you're sucked into sis's drama once in a while don’t let your loss of control and detachment rile you more than a blip. For a split second say darn and rats but take advantage to look at the episode as an opportunity to learn the lesson and shore up for the next encounter.
Better yet, no more encounters, get rid of the annoyance.
if you can afford a lawyer it's the best solution. if you can't, next time your sibling calls, threaten to have him/her arrested if the abuse doesn't stop.
good luck.
I suspect the family dynamics were never great. That is why she is the way she is. Good luck.
I was 24/7 caregiver to my mom for about 7 years and it included paying all of her bills. I was not compensated for my time. With that said, the bank account records were readily available to any of my siblings at any time. Fortunately, they all trusted my judgment and abilities and probably didn't want to be involved in any of that any more than they wanted to be involved in the caretaking role.
Is it possible that mom had quite a nest egg and this child is one of those who would prefer mom did without certain things in order to maintain a large inheritance?
I would not try to stop one of your mom's children from visiting her. While they may be on the vicious side, mom loves her children. Not seeing this child would probably create even more stress for mom (and you). Is it possible for you to be present during the visits or have someone else in the family present to shut down the negative conversations before they get started?
As for texts sibling sends to you, there are two choices. Accept and read them is one. And respond in a fashion that can flip it back: It is not necessary to use that language/call me those names. If you want to see what has been spent out of the money - you are welcome to see the records. The second choice is don't read them/block her from text and/or calls.
I guess to evaluate the real problem, you would need to provide more background. What started the issue of sibling believing you are stealing money? How far back does it go? Did mom get care from this sibling and you took over?
Unlike most of these commenters, I think you need to analyze the root causes of your sister’s hostility toward you and do some soul searching about the extent to which your present and past actions have contributed to your sister’s attitude.
Are you self centered, self important and superior? Do you stonewall the non-carer members of your family and deny them their right to participate in decisions regarding her care? Have you taken more than your fair share of your parents resources in the past? Are you rationalizing taking your mother’s money and using it to benefit yourself at the expense of other family members as well as your mother? Are you condescending to your sister and secretive about how your mother’s resources are being used?
You haven’t mentioned how your mother feels about denying your sister visitation or trying to obtain a restraining order which is very likely to backfire. Depriving a sibling of the right to visit their parents is an EXTREMELY serious step. There will be a hearing and the court will take both sides into account. The court may rule against you and you may instead find yourself doing way more work when the court requires you to plan visits outside your home…unless of course it’s your mother’s home that you are actually living in.
Your sister also has the right and the responsibility to report you for financial exploitation if she thinks you are stealing your mother’s money. If she does this, it will cause an investigation by the state. Petitioning the court for a restraining order will almost certainly bring that about.
A far better plan would be to ask your siblings to participate in family counseling so you can process what is causing such strife. Everyone will need to make some adjustments if you ever expect to make this situation more pleasant for your mother, your sister and yourself.