How do I make peace with parents' poor choices?
Mom was diagnosed 3 years ago with Normal Pressure Hydrocephalus after falling and lying on the floor for 17 hours.
This summer she's fallen 4 times, and had the "right" at age 78 to leave nursing rehab and go home to Dad. She says she's willing to take the risk of falling again to be home. We are uncomfortable with her choice, and she doesn't want "strangers" helping in her home. Dad is 81, and they are both barely functioning in their dysfunction. I'm just praying I don't have any regrets if something happens that I could have prevented. I have health issues myself, and it takes a lot out of me to help them. My biggest question is: How do I make peace with the poor choices I see my parents making when they are strong willed to stay in their home and function in their dysfunction, and seem happy to do so?
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But it is there life and sometimes there isn't much we can do. Keeping them safe isn't always the same as keeping them happy. It's tough to watch, I know. But if you can't see any way to change their thinking, you may have to wait until something else does.
Meanwhile, don't badger or nag. However, if they know people living in assisted living homes who are happy, encourage friendships in this area. Sometimes peers can help them make decisions more readily than adult children. Good luck,
Carol
He on the other hand seems to think all these surgeries are things that are supposed to 'make him like new' so after a major neck fusion or something he is back to climbing up on the roof to clean out gutters or something.
My dad was a successful business man and retired at 50. They built their home as well as designed every detail of it 37 years ago and he was the developer of the whole development they live in. So he thinks of himself I think sort of as the 'king' around there. Biggest home, biggest yard, and he can't imagine ever moving. It would be admitting failure or mortality. So we have accepted that the probably wants to 'go' being the guy who fell off the roof while clearing out gutters. What I fear is that he won't die - he will be permanently disabled but live much longer. However, they are grown ups and they are free to do what they want to do. There are five of us siblings and I am positive this is going to be a hellish situation when the perverbial "you know what" hits the fan. But that's what they are creating. We will deal with it. Meanwhile, as I approach 60 and my husband, who just turned 61, both realize this will be us in 20 years, have decided to take a lesson from this craziness and just make better choices as we age.
My mother in law is 91 and lives in a nursing home, where the food stinks and people who have already lost it are ranting down the hall or sleeping in their chairs. She didn't really have a plan for home care even though she had the means and she lives in a place where good care choices are limited. I don't want this existence either. Pray about it, and then you just have to let it be. Bless you and good luck.
I just turned 60 and I'm trying to look at all the possessions my husband and I have and where to cut back by selling, donating or just giving away. We also have 3 nice horses that will probably last until we're about ready to move to a smaller place so no need to buy more, especially young ones!
We have a walkout basement and a lot of people have told us to finish it, but there are just the two of us. We don't need more furniture and we'd rather spend the money doing things.
A few years ago we talked my parents into moving to a much smaller place. We couldn't believe all the crap they'd accumulated. They had so much, they couldn't take care of all of it so it deteriorated and was thrown out rather than shared with someone who could have used it!
The other thing I'm learning is to at least try to do a better job of taking care of myself physically and mentally. My husband is a work in progress!
I go through this same dilemma on a daily basis - I want to keep my mother safe, but she resists with a vengeance.
She's 88, in the advanced stages of CHF, and as a result needs to restrict her salt intake - but she's always eating the saltiest foods she can get her hands on. As a result, her leg edema gets so bad that her skin breaks and they become infected, she then has to have the visiting nurses come in to assist.
She still drives, does her own housework, but she is really slowing down. Her big comment when she goes through a period of needing the help of the visiting nurses is that they're trying to "turn me into an invalid".
She has always been stubborn and willful - when I get frustrated with her, I remind myself, she is who she is, she's not going to change just because she's old.
She wants to live at home as long as possible, yet she refuses the help of others, refuses to modify her diet; she's obsessed with not appearing weak.
She complains about everything, and everybody.
When it all gets to be too much, I just walk away.
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