Advice and your 2 cents would be appreciated. What would you do?

Hi Funky Grams,
I appreciate you stopping by and being so helpful.
Lately, it's become very obvious that mom has issues. Yet, mom just saw her neurologist yesterday and she didn't bother to showtime, mixed up words, couldn't finish her sentences, lost her concentration on the subjects but mom's neurologist said - let me quote him "I can tell, just by talking to you that neither Alzheimer's or dimentia are at play here."
He upped her zoloft dose and is sending PT to the house. I don't hold out hope that PT will pick up on her issues. They haven't in the past. Maybe they don't know what to look for or maybe they're not paying attention or maybe they just don't care.
Mom might have a patient portal but I've got a problem even if I find the portal and login info, mom has a delicate ego and seeing the notes would cause her to have a rage fest. She's in complete denial about any of her issues. Mom, has in the recent past created what could easily have become a serious problem for both of us (very long story I've posted on another person's discussion here) and she has told people she's afraid of me and that we argue, and that I'm trying to take control of her house. The house part is true, just not in the context she presents. Yes, I do the best I can to repair and make the house livable and yes, I've painted, removed garbage and cleaned until the house might have been unrecognisable to mom. Apparently, that's unspeakably evil of me. If I hadn't come when I did, the neighbors were about to intervene for a second time, call elder source and a cleaning crew would, for a second time, come with a roll-off dumpster and cleared mom's house of nearly all of her and dad's belongings and furniture AGAIN. Arguing, on the other hand, isn't my style and arguing with mom would be about as useful as wheels on a duck. When I discovered what she was saying, I told her then, (Dad was still alive) that I was awfully sorry but that I couldn't stay any longer. I felt that because she consistently believes the ugly things she says, that if she felt unsafe and that my work here was making her uncomfortable, then I should go. At the time she would remind me daily that she managed the house and Dad before me. (Dad had alzheimer's, totally incontinent and very hard to care for at times) So mom's statement was untrue; the evidence, being the state of the house and the fact that an outside source had to be called in by neighbors' intervening and dad had home health care aides. They weren't as good as they should have been but at least dad was bathed and changed 5 days a week. So, even though the statement mom made was untrue, I didn't argue with her or present the obvious contradictions to her statement. She believed what she was saying and it's pointless to try to argue or present facts to a cognitive bias. So, what I said to her was because she feels unsafe around me and because she was more comfortable in her home the way it was before I got here, because she can manage without me, I thought it was time to move on. Mom attempted to walk back what she'd said at that point but ultimately it was dad and the idea of leaving him in the situation was what convinced me to stay. Aides became a very big issue in the year dad died. No-shows, late shows, gossip and phone instead of working, landed the job in my lap and with the assistance of hospice in his final 6 months, I took care of him until the night they took his body to the funeral home. 
I don't have a problem with caring for mom until she passes. I've done that before. I do have a problem dealing with her mental instability, malevolent cruelty and extreme difficulty getting any support at all from mom's health care team. And now, once again, I'm seriously considering leaving. Leaving will lead to horrible consequences for mom, in which I will, at least, be partially responsible.
 I know myself. I'll carry that guilt till the day I die.
So, I do what I can while I can, hoping that I can hang this wave.

Lymie 61,
You made me smile. I like that.
While I'm not looking forward to a train wreck, I hear what you're saying.
We had a train wreck last year and that was when I called and was told that Mom would have to call, they couldn't talk to me.
This is also when I started being more assertive about being a medical surrogate. Dad had the final stages of dementia then and simply could not have helped in any way. Mom wanted to do a POA ...but nothing has been done yet. I think she's suspicious. Not with reason but that's part of the overall problem.
I'm in a funny, leaky boat here where what I do is put out fires and pick up pieces. All the while hoping that someone doesn't point a finger at me and tell me I should have been more aggressive.
I thank you for writing. I'm still digesting what you've given me to think about. I hope things in your life are smooth as glass.
😄🌼💮

The simple fix, which may not be so easy if dad doesn’t cooperate, is to get your dad to give them permission to share with you. The patient can add anyone to their HIPPA approval they want but it really needs to just be done with each doctors office while accompanying them to an appointment. In our experience the doctors offices want to have you involved and make it very easy, simply ask if it’s ok to talk with you too no big deal paperwork and red tape. If you don’t or can’t do it this way then it becomes a more difficult task, maybe impossible task.

Midkid58,
It's hard to see these things happening and for me it's harder to try to understand why life is just passing by some older people like our folks.
Life's not over, there are still things to do and see and experience but it feels like they've given into a dark place where everything but natural life support has been shut down. Depression in our older folks is part of the problem and dementia in some. It's so cruel to them and it's cruel to us as well.
I wish you well. You:re on the right track with keeping your boundaries and tending to your own life.
🌻🌺💮🌸

That's a good point. I gave a lot of input to my dad's doctors before appointments so that they could assess certain things that otherwise they wouldn't know to look for. I think in these cases where someone's declining but puts on a good show at the doctors, it's necessary that someone is giving them the missing information.

Mom and I live in the same house.
I decided early on in my visit that it was probably best to stay and try to get things sorted out and more liveable.