Any advice for dealing with a narcissistic Mother (89) who is often very mean and has always had ever-changing moods/personalities?
My mother can be kind, cook for me, and be pleasant but I am always, always "walking on eggshells." She can be so mean, accusatory, jealous, demanding, sarcastic, belittling, spoiled/childlike, but when things are "going her way," at times happy and content. This has been through my entire life -- I am now 63. I am seeing a counselor and this has been helping, but I am hoping some of you can share your stories and ideas. She becomes mean and rejecting when I do something with other members of my family, even though she has been invited, but chooses not to go. She has ruined more holidays than I can count because something didn't go her way. When I go out of town, it is a major production, even if it is just for a two or three night mini-vacation with my husband. I rarely see my children who live in other states because she gets so depressed, upset, etc. over any separation from me. I am an only child and have felt the oppressive weight of her moods and never-know-what's- coming-next demands for my whole life. My father was a loving man, very sweet, but sort of gave in or turned her over to me. My father died 15 years ago and my mother promptly moved near me into a duplex about a mile away. Since that time, I have felt somewhat like a prisoner because I cannot relax and enjoy my life without her constant calling, complaining, etc. I have recently set limits, and I am so much better than before, but it is still so stressful. I am truly so nice to her-- do multiple things for her on an almost daily basis, take her shopping, have lunch with her, clean her house, take her to the doctor, whatever. I realize many of these things are age-related and I accept this and am happy to help. But when she is so mean and rejecting--well, that still gets to me, even though I am slowly improving. Lastly, I want to share a dog saga--my mother has always had dogs. She relates better to animals than people, BUT, like me, the dog has to "behave perfectly" in order to get her kindness and love. SO... She has been bemoaning her loss of her dog who died six months ago and she has tried out four new dogs, and they have all been returned because they peed or pooped in the house, or seemed to be sick in some way. I have been the one to return these sweet dogs to the shelter and it makes me ill. I feel horrible for the animals. The last dog was so sweet but she ate grass and threw up, plus pooped in the house, so there I went, running over to her place to clean up the mess, and the next day driving over two hours to return the sweetest dog in the world. I considered keeping this little dog but my husband and I am just now trying to figure out retirement and hoping for little bits of freedom and do not want a pet now. Lastly, for some background information, my mother had some traumas in her life, but was raised by a loving father and step-mother. I feel for her, and she continually reminds me that her real mother left her when she was two. I listen kindly and as patiently as I can. I feel for her. I am not a saint, but I have been told I am a nice person who has a kind heart, but I can hardly bare this anymore! She is in my head all the time and I am always waiting for the other shoe to drop.
So, like I said, I am getting better, but setting boundaries and sticking to them is the hardest thing I are ever done. My mother is "addicted" to me or something, and being an only child, I have no backup. She has no friends anymore --the few she had have died-- and she has alienated many people throughout her life. I cannot just leave her to her own devices, and she does not want to move into an independent living facility yet. I am not acting to make this sound like a "poor-me" pity party, but that is kind of what this is. Please help by sharing stories, struggles, or advice that has worked for you.
79 Answers
Popular Questions
Related Questions
- International caregivers, input needed. Any pointers are appreciated as I am starting my decision making journey.
- Does anyones elder parent ever make you look mean to other family members?
- How do you deal with an elderly person who doesn't talk and acts as if she is not interested in anything?
- Parent caregivers who refuse to seek help for their self. Any advice?
I'm not a doctor, but judging from your description, it sounds as though she has a personality disorder. At any rate, she is excessively demanding, and you are a ceding to those demands. This allows her to remain " independent".
What would happen if you became ill? Had to tend a seriously I'll spouse? Or God forbid died?
What is the backup plan here? I know that you have cut back some in terms doing and responding to her, but the dog thing? How the h/ll can she expect to own a dog if she can't get it back and forth to the vet on her own?
If you and she decide a dog is feasible, go to an organization that will take o dog and train it for you. Don't accept the dog until it is obedience and house trained.
I think if I were in your shoes, I would move far away from mom and closer to grandkids. She would do much better in Assisted Living.
There is NO LAW, federal, state or otherwise that says that your mother must live with you. Who is scaring you with that, mom?
It was your mother's job to prepare for her old age, not yours. You have a say in this. You are allowed to move away, go on vacation, ignore her, whatever. You dont have to put up with this sh/t she's dishing out. Stop putting up with it.
I don't blame myself for her isolating herself. She is, and has always been a hermit. I do wish for myself that I had built a better life here. I don't like being isolated with her. The good thing is that she is not as abusive as she once was. The bad thing is that she is not as capable. I worry now that she will fall, so it keeps me closer.
The ideal would be to get our parents involved with friends at church, the senior center, or independent living. Elder folks are strong supports for each other and take much of the burden off the children. I don't know why many older people have the drive to isolate themselves. It would be so much easier if they didn't. It increases the burden so much on the caregiver. A huge question is how adult children encourage their parents to get out? Maybe it takes a little tough love and not being so available. I know that would not have worked with my parents, since my father had Asperger's that go worse when coupled with dementia. He couldn't tolerate people. But maybe for most people making the parents seek other people would work.
Babalou--no one has scared me with that idea that Medicaid might not have the funding it has had, except for what I read I the paper. Honestly, I think assisted living would be a good choice. She would have contact with people all day and her meals prepared, although she is incredibly, incredibly fussy about food. She would complain non stop. But at least I wouldn't have to worry about her well being. I don't know if she qualifies, though, for assistance. She still drives and cooks, although she has little or no balance and has fallen several times. How do you get approved for assisted living? She still showers on her own, but did fall once.
Jessebelle--do you live with your mom? I feel for you that you are the only caregiver. It is so hard when the person is just plain nasty! I think I am too available and that is why she gets upset a lot of the time--I am not there for her at her beck and call, even though I really her nearly every day and talk on the phone with her several times a day. If I have a day with others in my family, even though she is invited and doesn't come, she acts as though I have abandoned her. She will,state, "Go live your life," with dripping sarcasm and self pity. I stil buy into this, albeit to a lesser extent, and have to work incredibly hard not to be the rescuer. Why is this so hard???
Thank you all for writing and please know how much I appreciate the communication
Under no circumstances should you live with her or invite her to live with you. Your stress levels will skyrocket . You were not are not and will never be responsible for your grandmother leaving your mother and that your mother uses that is just another tool in the arsenal.
You do not have to be your mother's caregiver on a one to one basis. Your limits could be defined by caring sufficiently about your mother to ensure that people come in to care for her if that's what you want. You clearly aren't bothered about an inheritance and that's good to see ....so many people are.
Now you have to focus on you. If you get upset when your mum gets difficult then you have given her the exact reaction she wants because now you are demonstrating guilt and dementia or no there seems to be an inbuilt knowledge that never disappears - or at least hasn't disappeared for me in the last 5 years.
You will never understand your Mum - you can't, you are not her; so what you do have to do is exactly what you do when a child has a tantrum. You say I love you Mum but I will not be spoken to like that, I will come back later THEN WALK OUT OF THE DOOR.
When you come back if she starts again do exactly the same. If it continues then release yourself and get someone else in to clean the house, get meals delivered to her. DO the bare minimum because YOU are key in her care but that does not mean you have to be the key caregiver.
Be forewarned this won't happen overnight and my mother sure as heck knows exactly how to press my buttons but I am learning slowly to take control. I have to say without these peeps on here I would still be banging my head against a wall but in here people don't judge (usually). xxxxx
Yes, she is addicted to you as you are her "narcissistic supply" - she feeds on the attention she gets from you. The more attention she gets from you, the more she craves. You are feeding onto that. You can change that by changing your behaviour and giving her less attention and giving yourself and your hub more attention. Often narcissists redirect their needs to another person who will play their game. I have no doubt she has a personality disorder. A geriatric psych could evaluate her. but even then there is little treatment.
What you have to do for yourself is protect yourself - detach and distance. When you do not do things exactly as she wants she throws a fit, Whatever! Please disengage yourself from those events. She will likely continue to throw fits but if you are not as affected by them you will suffer less. I know that detaching is not easy but living as you are is not easy either. It is what you need to do to get on with your own life and be less affected by her. There are good resources online about detaching, Rather than cleaning dog poop read about detaching.
There is no rule that says you have to look after your mother's dog. You can tell her that you cannot do it any more starting in the new year and if she cannot do it she should hire someone to do it or let the dog go or live in the mess. If she lives in the mess you can let her doctor know and/or call APS. Sometimes things have to get worse before they get better. Don't be an enabler or a codependent.
A good professional is invaluable. Withdraw some of your support - the dog for example - limit calls and trips to help her to the bare minimum, as jude says. Does she have finances to hire help? Let them be her support. If she doesn't like it, let her suffer the consequences.
And for goodness sake, stop feeling sorry for her. She plays that to the hilt - it is part of the game. Start feeling sorry for you and your hub and the effect she has on you. There will always be an alternative to living with you. Stop worrying about that too. Let professionals tell her that she cannot live alone and needs assisted living - that gets you off the hook. Talk to the agency for aging and social services. Get professional advice and keep coming back here for reinforcement and ideas. ((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))
That reward is "narcissistic supply" aka a reaction to her antics. Anything you do - a raised eyebrow to a meltdown - tickles their sour hearts. So you have to stop reacting. What worked well for me was, "I'm sorry you feel that way," and I kept doing what I was doing. She's had her chance to make a great retirement for herself, and she refused. Don't give her the power to ruin your life too!
No more trips to the pound for you. "Sorry mom, I just can't go with you to pick up a dog. Yes, we are in the car, but no, I can't drive it over there. Get someone else to help you with that, I'm not having another of your dogs in my car." You act like a broken record with no. You don't even have to do different versions of no, but my examples are way you can say no 50 different ways. :)
No, you are not taking her in, No, you are not paying for stuff, No, No, No! You can do it. Your husband will be neglected if you do what your nmom wants all the time!
Learn to reflect on the way problems arise. I often exit early before she can start. Cowardice? Avoidance? Well I guess but its easier for me and quite frankly that works for me and that's all that matters.
njny I have no help at all save for a few weeks respite probably two or three a year but I may lose that in the next round of cuts too. Mum goes to church but as by the time I get home I have to turn round and go pick her up its not exactly me time. Currently someone from the church picks her up but when we move that will not be the case.
My daughter will come and take us both out but it is not ME TIME
My son visited - told me last minute that they were coming at lunch time, criticised the paucity of the buffet - in my book they were lucky they got food at all - I can't just go nip to the shops
Oh and he supports me - He made a cup of tea and did half the washing up - oh WOW
He brought his stepson, who I loathe, and who my grandson hasn't seen for ages so I spent no time with grandson at all
DIL did nothing but moan that despite getting some beautiful jewellery she didn't get the pyjamas she asked for.
Oh what did I get? A hamper of timed food - which will save me buying anything for the church bring and buy sale all year!
oooh that turned into a rant sorry peeps
She treated my poor father terribly. A few years before he died he dropped by my house, said "Your mother will never be satisfied with anything" and burst into tears. He's been gone 16 years now ... his heart gave out. I've come to the conclusion that she was mentally ill her whole life. My only regret is that we were so down trodden that neither of us had the wherewithall to banish her from our lives long ago.
OhJude--I am sorry you do not get more of a break. I cannot imagine how difficult this is for you, and yet you took the time to share your story and try to help. I wish you could get more support from the government or the members of your family! You are wonderful--and I am hoping beyond hope that you get some relief. 97yroldmom--you are right on the money. You and I have been so conditioned we are probably on auto-pilot. I am trying so hard to recognize when I respond without even thinking. It is like trying to remap my behavior and learn anew how to respond to my own mother. You all are so helpful. I hope you will write and share more of your stories and suggestions. I think we help and support one another in ways many of our our friends and family cannot.
A light went on in my head (50 years too late, but nevertheless) it's ALL about HER. I want to ascribe better motives and behavior to her, but I can't. I have been dancing to her tune and buying into the "poor pitiful me" routine for so long--and now it's over.
My therapist told me: DON'T answer the phone if you don't want to. DON'T go visit if you don't want to. WALK AWAY without "backwards words" if you need to. Controlling you is her primary focus--and trust me, she's enjoying it.
I'd hire help for her cleaning, hire an agency to send someone as an assistant (I worked at exactly this type of job for several years)---it's not cheap but the family of my clients happily paid what Medicare didn't--just so they could have their lives back.
If you can get her in ALF, that would probably be wonderful--you could stop being the only "target". Your mother has a lot of "bullets" and just one target--you.
Oh wait til you hear this. You will not believe this one--it actually made me laugh after I left her. We were talking about the possibility of people living several lives and she said if she lives again she hopes she has a mother who really, really loves her, just as much as she loves... Not me...no, no, no... What she said was as much as she loved her dog (who died recently). Let's face it --I an chopped liver.
A LOT of the posts on these forums are basically the same problems, over and over, it's sad how many of us have these dynamics going on.
Why are our mothers cold and withholding to us? I have so many theories, and in truth, it doesn't matter. I didn't get from my mother what I needed at the crucial stages of my life, I am not going to get them now (she's almost 86). I watched her at the Christmas party I hosted last Saturday. It's gotten to the point where I am nearly threatening family to get them to show up. It's all for Mother. No on else does gifts, but we all better bring something for her! We had planned to play Bingo, which she LIVES for, but it was a hectic, noisy night and the kids were not behaving, so I announced that we'd probably forgo Bingo and just socialize and I saw Mother out of the corner of my eye and she was POUTING like a 2 yo. So I quickly said "You know what? You want to chat, go out in the hall, we are going to play Bingo". A few people left, but we did play for about 20 minutes, gave out all the gifts and I think mother had a good time. All I said to her was "hi". I am glad we did play as we sibs voted down any more Christmas parties. Just summer get togethers from now on.
And I get the "love" thing. My mom had a bird somebody gave her, it was filthy and disgusting and she let it fly all over her apartment--guess who was cleaning up bird poop and feathers every week?? When that bird died, my mother mourned more than she mourned my dad's death. She kept the bird in a freezer until my brother would make it a cedar casket. Well over a year.
We have to laugh, sometimes. Because crying is pointless!