I am 21 years old. When I was 19 my grandmother suffered a massive stroke which left my mother my legally disabled brother, and myself to care for her. This year I very reluctantly left home for the first time to join an Americorps program that gives me an opportunity to travel, help others, and help obtain some of my future dreams. After being away for a week I rushed home after hearing news that my mother had also suffered a stroke. now my family cares for both her and my grandmother, and it isn't easy. I feel guilty and angry at the fact that I'm 21 and I hardly have time to take care of my hygiene. I get anxious to leave the house because I feel like it's unfair to do anything fun if my family cannot. my mother is losing everything she worked for her whole life because the assistance she gets only covers her mortgage and health insurance costs (she isn't eligible for medicaid/medicare) we can't afford any type of homecare and we are all suffering. To be honest it's too much for me to deal with and i feel like i'm deteriorating in every way possible. I was offered to go back to americorps for the next ten months, and the 21 year old in me knows this is an opportunity i will lose as I grow older and more busy, and also knows that my mom worked hard to give me opportunities. But i can't even leave the house, let alone travel the country without feeling guilty. I already feel like i'm not doing enough. Eventually I'm going to have to choose between myself and my mother who worked herself sick taking care of me. I'm just looking for some advice on the topic. I'm really in need of support.
You can also go to the family caregiver website for more resources: http://www.caregiver.org/caregiver/jsp/fcn_content_node.jsp?nodeid=2083
I think what I am trying to say is there may be routes to your loved ones getting what they need that don't require and could even be much better for them than you just staying home forever to personally provide all their care. Arranging for them may still be a lot of work and stress, but could leave you knowing and feeling that you did the right things for them, AND for you.
Finally, ask the doctors what the cause of their strokes was, and remember that this is just one case of many where stroke is not just an old people's disease; they should help you assess your own risk of having similar problems youself.
Please don't wait, you need to take care of yourself too.
Keep on doing your best ..
- There are at least two potential outcomes from either choice:
.. if you go with Americore and something goes terribly wrong, you'll worry yourself sick that it was your fault.
.. - or - it turns out ok, and you'll be grateful you made the choice (and your mom will be happy for you, and feel less guilt)
.. if you stay home with your mom, and you never get to go with Americore, you may end up resentful of your mom and frustrated at your loss
.. - or - you'll be grateful for the time you got to spend with your mom, making life easier and her healthier, with many other years ahead of you.
I know .. it's not fair. Had a therapist once who said, "The Universe isn't fair .. it just is." I got so ticked off at her, but she was right.
Whatever choice you make .. and it comes down to YOU making that choice .. do your BEST with it. It's all any of us can do. You might find a therapist yourself, so that you can juggle your feelings without imposing them on your mom, until you're absolutely ready.
Some of us oldtimers might say, "Life sucks, and then you die. Unless it doesn't .. and you'll still die .. somewhere down the line." Maybe there's another, even better choice for work/career that you haven't found yet.
Whatever you do, I hope you'll let us know and keep on coming back!
Love, Laugh, Learn
LadeeC
My mom always used to say that too, I'm 21, my brother 25. But now that she needs us leaving feels like abandoning us. I've talked to her about it and she's told me to go, but not in an encouraging way, in a hopeless way that just makes me feel terrible inside. It feels like I'll never be able to do enough and if I ever move on with my life i'll be abandoning my family.