Okay guys.
I'm going to try to word this so that I don’t come off a certain way or maybe too harsh.
Me and my boyfriend have been on and off for 7 years. We have a child in common and we have been together more seriously for the last 2 years. We are both in our early 20’s. He lost his dad at a younger age and now his mom is a widow, living alone and in her early 60’s. The past year she has developed some heart issues which have been fixed, but she is left with this head pounding and she describes it as all day everyday. Apparently when she exerts herself it gets so bad that she gets sick. Much like a migraine. Over the past year I have:
1. Quit my job to be with her more. I was working 6 days a week and could not juggle helping every time she’d call for help, being a mom and I am a fulltime college student as well.
2. We sold our house to move in with her while we seek out treatment for her so we can move on with our lives too.
3. I have shuttled her to appointments states away to see some of the best doctors in the world. 5 of which have stated she only has migraines. They give her medication, she says it never works.
4. I now am a personal assistant. I cook for her, clean, grab her mail, groceries, shuttle her wherever she wants to go, etc.
Guys, I am burnt out. Every time my boyfriend and I take our daughter out somewhere (which is rare as he works a lot of hours and we never get alone time, just us 3) when she is left alone at the house she calls us and says she doesn’t feel good and to come home . When we mention buying a house she guilts us into thinking that we are abandoning her. I am more frustrated because this is controlling my life. It is controlling my child’s life.. all for a migraine at 60 years old.
When I speak to my boyfriend he says if it’s such a burden then I need to leave him. He says I’m ungrateful because we have a roof over our head. But I feel like I’m working myself to death and he doesn’t even recognize it. I rarely get a thank you. He says when we buy our new home that he will spend every night at his moms just being there for her. I do care for this woman, but I am losing my partner. Has anyone dealt with this? This has been the longest year of my life. I can honestly say I will not do this for another year and I won’t do it any longer than that. What do I do? I feel that I am damned if I do damned if I don’t.
disclaimer* he says he will not hire someone to come in and take care of her and in his words “in our Mexican culture, the family takes care of the elderly we don’t just hand them off”
One of my assistants has married someone from Mexico. His parents were about 60 miles away. Before assistant moved to this area, they were too close to his parents.
In February MIL was diagnosed with breast cancer. Then COVID. In-laws were in denial of the diagnosis Then as MIL worsens they tried to get MIL treatment here but it was not affordable. So, they waited. MIL wanted to see her Mexico family, some tried to get visas to come to see her, some did not believe she was as sick as she was.
Only option was for in-laws to return home to Mexico. That was a tricky situation. Assistant asked for a letter from the doc that she did not have COVID but was dying from cancer. The pilot authorised in-laws to fly. That was two weeks ago.
Upon arrival in Mexico, family there were seeking the best treatment options which were to begin last week. MIL passed a week ago before any treatment.
The Mexican culture is very strong as are other nationalities. They take care of their elderly themselves.
I am afraid your only way out is to leave, this is likely a battle you will not win.
People like your boyfriend think that retirement living exists because people don't want to be burdened with looking after their elders.
He could not be more wrong.
The point is that taking care of a lady in her sixties, visiting her every day, doing everything for her DISABLES her.
If you really do like this lady, think what her life could be like if she could be helped to reinvent herself. Maybe thirty years of useful, purposeful life ahead of her.
Go back to the heart problem a minute. What was it needed fixing, and what rehab did she have afterwards?
And anyway, what am I saying???? This woman is in her EARLY SIXTIES. She won't even BE elderly for another fifteen years and more!
You've been extremely accommodating an helpful. As women of course we want to be supportive and caring but your feelings matter too. They are trying to tell you something. The anger and resentment is building. It's not fair for him to be in denial. I too fell for this in my culture where I felt I had to do all the caregiving for my parents. After 30 years you would think it would have earned me the respect and concern and compassion of my family but they only take me for granted and dismiss me. The fact that your boyfriend doesn't care about your feelings is very telling. After all you've done so far and this is what he says??? It's not right. Better to get out now. In hindsight I wish I wasn't such a doormat and accepted so little. It hurts.
Anyone who has not done it on a full time basis is clueless. If the shoe were on the other foot they would be the first ones to complain. If you left would he quit his job to care for his mom?
You have a child. Your child comes first. You are young. These are your building years. You deserve to be working. I hate that you quit your job. You deserve to be attending school without the additional stress of caregiving. You deserve to have a mate that supports you.
You’re not asking for the sun, moon and stars! You are asking for what everyone needs in life to be fulfilled.
How did you feel when your boyfriend told you to leave if you didn’t want to help his mom? Please be honest and answer from your perspective, not his point of view. I will tell you how it would make me feel. It sounds like emotional blackmail. That isn’t fair to you.
What would happen if you did leave with your daughter? Would he miss you? Miss his child? Stay with his mom?
You gave up a home and a job to care for his mom and he doesn’t appreciate it. Neither of them should expect that of you.
Helping out is one thing. Doing everything is quite another. Frankly, it’s too much for anyone, let alone a young mom who is a student, had a job, a home and was planning her own future.
I have two daughters and I would never expect either of them to put their lives on hold for me.
I am sorry that your boyfriend’s mom is suffering. She needs to make other arrangements. Seriously think about resuming your life with or without your boyfriend.
As far as culture goes, start your own tradition by showing your boyfriend and his mom that your self worth is equally important! Show your child that this is not what it means to be a family. Tell your child that you are planning for a future. Set an example for your daughter.
It might help to speak to someone to help you sort through your emotions. Best wishes to you.
By 'family', he means YOU take care of the elderly.
My suggestion: go back to work. Let HIM take care of his mother. He can quit his job to be home full time with her. If HE had to take care of her day in and day out, he might just change his tune about getting outside help.
You are stuck because you depend on him for a roof over your head and food for you and your child. Time to change that. Look for a job. Give him a couple of weeks notice that you're quitting the caregiving job. He can either fill you spot himself or find someone to do it.
Please get some counseling, if he will join you great, if not, then by yourself. It sounds like neither your partner, nor his Mum respect you. You need to be looking out for you and your daughter.
I get migraines, I know how debilitating they can be, but it something for me to manage, not to ask my kids or their partners to give up their lives for.
It can take time to sort out migraine triggers and sometimes rebound migraines can be caused by medication, but they are manageable. The longest I have had one is 5 weeks, but my life was only interrupted for a few hours a week during that time.