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My Mom worked and sent money to my sister who was a single mother with two children. My Mom worried they wouldn't have enough food and my sister profited by it. She won't stop - I've asked her to. HELP! She is still asking for money - hundreds a month it adds up to. She now uses her animals or ill health to emotionally blackmail my mother. I've explained Mom is in a home now and cannot afford to send her so much money and yet she continues to get her upset. I've inherited her now - I'm trying to wean her off - my husband and I are on a fixed income. She won't speak to me but just asked again for $200 for her pet deposit. My Mom is afraid she won't get the apt if we don't send it and she will be without a home. I want to satisfy my Mom yet not get duped by my sister and have to carry her forever. I am trying to be strong yet don't wish her any bad of course. I've explained about Mom needing her money and I am now on fixed income. My sister didn't work for years and years and I worked for 35 years - yet she's accused me of spending Mom's money I've never taken a DIME or asked for a DIME from Mom and I've cared for her for the past 25 years - the last 10 with my husband before she went into a home for dementia. It's just awful and God says take care of your family YET spare the rod spoil the child - I don't know what's right. It just makes me SICK cause I'm really like my Mom and want to make sure she is OK - yet she needs to stand on he own two feet cause all of us won't always be here cause we're all older - she's 50 and hasn't worked for 30 years being on assistance. She's nasty with me, acused me of spending 'it' and of 'untrust of her' - cause she sees me as her 'block' between what she can get from Mom but I am committed to Mom to protect her and care for her and have done so as PA for the past 15 years cause she also has macula degeneration. Morally and emotionally my sister is corrupted I believe - I am ripped in the center here cause she's my baby sister with ill health now and yet she's accusatory and nasty also when she doesn't get what she wants. I will not ever let her be homeless or hungry yet - she can leverage this caring cause she's in California and we never really know if she's being totally truthful cause she can play on emotions like none other!! HELP!


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Debs: Darn shame! Those bad people will get there's in the end!
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You are NOT wrong. You are STRONG and WISE to take care of details ahead of time for your mother with your slacking brother. Having just come out of 10 years of caring for my Mom - with my husband and 15 before this 'phase' with no 'sister' help (I have 2 of them) I feel quite confident in my diagnosis of the situation. We found through a Senior Center TONS of information on options of senior care - perhaps you can get home nursing or caretakers IN HOUSE for your mother while you are down. There is also 'adult day care' but of course they'd have to have pickup/ drop off. If you feel strongly enough your brother and his wife committed a criminal act stealing from your Mom, perhaps a detective can look into criminal or civil court case. You're probably thinking I can't go through all that and only you can decide if it's a plus or not to pursue. Back to the urgent issue - your well being. You are being responsible and caring. Meals on wheels are another resource. God bless you with returned good health. I used to feel like being sick was a 'relief' time to get out of the rat race - it is totally stressful taking are of aging parent(s), however, you now have an ending when Medicaid comes through. Don't weaken - there is a light in sight for you and your husband!
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It's sad. That's all I can say. You know what is best for yourself and your family. Just don't let a stranger get involved.
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My mom lived with my brother for a year, little did I know that he and his wife were using her SS check for their own bills. After they got everything paid off they said they couldn't handle her any longer. Since my oldest brother would not get involved in this situation I took her in. She has been with me for a year now and I have been trying to pay off all of her bills that my younger brother and his wife did not pay when she was living with them. I contacted the bank and Social Security to try and get some of her money back. They told me since everything was done with a money machine card there is no proof that mom did not take the money out herself. I am so upset and mad about this and I can't do anything about it. Since my health is declining I made contact with my older brother and explained to him that he will have to take mom until I can get her into a facility. He is fighting me telling me he has to work to make ends meet and works 6 days a week. My mom and dad moved close to me on my brothers suggestion and I have looked after them for 25 years. Between running them to doctor's appointments, taking care of funeral arrangements, and just the stress of constantly having to do everything for them I feel it is his time to step up and take some responsibility for mom. I am having surgery in march and have given my brother plenty of time to figure this out. I told him (did not ask him) he will have to take care of her until the Medicaid waiver papers are filled out and hopefully she will get it. I feel I have given up most of my life to watch after them and now it Is time for my husband and myself to spend the rest of our lives together. Please let me know if I am being selfish?
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hasn't been bothering me, at least as long as grandson's been there, but now that may be the issue - something was said on another post about credit rating - have been told that medical bills are handled differently than other things
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think if it is possible, just to let it go with a modest profit perhaps, if it needs all that work. get it off your hands. the peace of mind that would come with offloading it would probably beat any profit.
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Liz, so much has happened this past week, gone from not being able to get grandson out of dad's house to him wanting to get out, supposedly has a job lined up in a different area, where I've learned about rental prices - not just $900 but twice that - $1700 but then that is for a house, so a 2BR might be that; a 1 is $500 but I asked how someone who seemingly can hardly pay their bills now expects to be able to start paying that kind of rent but they say they'll just cut out some of their bills; we'll see how that goes, hard to do, just glad they can pass a background check; they've never had to do that before either, no kids, though, at least not fulltime, not even exactly sure how they plan to work that, since not sure they expect me to sell the house once they move, either; hub's been wanting me to get rid of it for a long time; he doesn't want to be a landlord, either; hadn't thought about the code stuff, know did go to the housing authority to see about it when someone - well, grandson's gf - wanted to rent it like that and safety first they said, handrails that should have already been done anyway, maybe wouldn't even be having to deal with all this if they had been; I can understand how it's come to be like that, though, what with so many slum landlords that won't do anything, so it works both ways, but then they were young like the people who built it that way, so...maybe not; that's what they said about his as well, but it's in a nice neighborhood and is single family, so would really make a big difference I feel if I just let something like that come in but will see what happens with the one across the street, at least grandson has done some of the major stuff, like the water heater, think he did some work on the back deck, plumbing, painting, and new heat unit and he is the one who actually took care of my dad there. But now that he wants out I would like to just get rid of it, especially since he has been paying the bills there so now what, since, yes, it would be like owning a business and I'm not really sure what to do, talking to a bank later on this morning, since I finally got up early again...
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My cousins had their hands out for their parents' money their entire adult lives. One deceased at 64 and the other had her hand out for my now deceased mother's money. Very sad and UNACCEPTABLE!
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Debdaughter, Massachusetts, Hampden County. Mom was old school, used to rent with a handshake. We had 2 wonderful tenants living on the second floor. One was there for 25 years and there was a couple there for 17 years and they both left around the same time . Nowadays we have no choice but to do intensive screening and background checks . And we would prefer to have no children living in the house although it's illegal to put that in an advertisement. Word of mouth only. . The prob is, 4 family houses in the town are considered 'commercial', not private property. I am executor going thru probate and I intend on selling the house. Never wanted to be a landlord, and the house will cost 1000s of dollars to fix to pass 'codes' that welfare/section 8 makes homeowners jump thru hoops to follow. In Mass, tenants have all the rights and landlords have none. I want to get rid of it, but it will take an investor...needs all new electric, the porches are rotting, old plumbing, possible lead paint, and years ago, when oil was cheap, my grandfather put one oil burner into heat for 4 apartments so yes you cannot charge the tenants for heat cuz there's only one burner. The hard part was taking care of my mother at her this...her house. Now I just want to get rid of it. Sheet, one tenant is always late on paying his rent and there are bills to be paid. It is like owning your own business, I have to get a buz tax ID# and a bunch of other stuff. Came with the territory, btw, $900 is actually cheap comparatively.
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i never cease to be amazed at little girls who insist on playing house with real live dollies at everyone elses expense. It is what government welfare is for.
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My take on this situation is that it's time for some tough love. You need to sit your sis down and explain to her that Mom can no longer support or help her, and neither can you. Tell her if she needs financial help, she needs to seek out help from services in the community or from the state. Yes, she's going to be angry and hurt at first, but you simply cannot allow her to continue upsetting Mom over money, and Mom can't afford to give in and give her money anymore. That's all there is to it.

If you have POA for Mom and are controlling the funds, then it's a simple matter to stop the funds from being drained out of Mom's account by sis.
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Sibling rivalry will continue IF YOU LET IT! THAT'S the key words.
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$900/mo.?! where do you live?
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I have an alcoholic brother who will soon have a rude awakening since i am the executor of my moms 4 family house and he has been living off my mom all his life. He is 56 with a 22 yr old son. 2 grown men living in a 2 BR apt, including heat and hot water for $100 bucks a week? Nope. Once my moms will is approved thru probate, I am going to make him either pay the standard $900 a month with a sifned lease, or he can get out and figure life out. My husband and I as well as my other siblings agree we are not supporting him. Tough love, something my mom (rip) wouldnt but should have done. I feel your pain and understand, but I do not feel guilty. Right is right and wrong is wrong.
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this sister's working now, right?
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I agree with all the posts. Just say no, and I found this out (because I asked a nun when I was taking care of my mom), when you marry someone, your spouse always comes first in the bible, anyway. As far as your sister goes, I would ask to see receipts for all her 'unexpected' emergencies that pop up. Besides being an advocate for the elderly, i am an animal lover too. If your sister cannot afford to take care of her pets, then perhaps she should consider adopting them out to a family who can afford to take them to a veterinarian. And Medicaid does have 5 year look back so your Mom simply CANNOT keep giving your sister money. Again, you and your spouse come first. Here is the bible verse, (I am not super religious), just been in a VERY similar situation:
If you are married, your spouse comes next. A married man is to love his wife as Christ loved the church (Ephesians 5:25). Christ’s first priority—after obeying and glorifying the Father—was the church. Here is an example a husband should follow: God first, then his wife. In the same way, wives are to submit to their husbands “as to the Lord” (Ephesians 5:22). The principle is that a woman’s husband is second only to God in her priorities.. God 1st, spouse 2nd...
Just say no, it is wrong of your sister to keep asking for your money, I am sure you know that. Right is right and wrong is wrong. Best wishes and YOU did nothing wrong.
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Your Mother can give as much money as she wants unless she required govt to pay for her care home, Does Mom still have her home? any income? how much banked? maybe you are too worried about your inheritance or if there will be one? as long as Mom does not give over 14k? or so a year there will be no gift tax if one is so inclined to report such gifts, transactions over $10k get reported so transfers of $9,990 are best to avoid the radar.
Unless Moms home is gone and she has no income and no money you have no right to try to tell your Mother what to do.
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Wow, you sister sounds very self-absorbed and selfish. If she cannot afford her pets, she should find them a good home. She should do something to earn an income and not drag you into it. She was lucky your mom helped, but now that phase has to end. Your mom is the one needing more attention now.
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If your mom is in a home for dementia and you are her power of attorney, get your mom's checkbook and be in control of her finances. Nothing is paid out except through you. That takes care of your mom giving money to your sister. After that, the "sorry, no" answer is a pretty good one. You could explain to your sister what the cost of your mom's care comes to so and how long it has to last so she can understand why "no" is the right answer. But I suspect your sister doesn't want to hear about the reasons for "No", and just wants the money. Good luck with this. It's emotionally charged, of course, and the suggestions for APS to be involved might take the burden off of you in being the "bad guy."
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I have a very soft spot for animals. I would be willing to give her money for her pets. The utilities, the water bill, food, etc. - there is assistance for the indigent out there, there are food banks and church pantries. Just my opinion. There is always some 'poor thing' in a family bumbling through life, with some horrible problems, crying for mommy and daddy to help help help. They weep big tears, 'oh, my POOR BABY!'. Nothing you can do to change their minds. Things are different now that the parent is in a home, the gravy train is slowing down and will stop.
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Mother gave my brother well over $150K, when she and dad were barely scraping by--and he took anything and everything he could that wasn't nailed down & pawned it. We never did "stop her"--he died, suddenly at age 61. Mother was finally set up with my younger brother as co-signer on all checks over $500 and she pays most things in cash. But, she'd give him her grocery money, so it just went on and on. We all talked to her until we were blue in the face, but she'd just say "But he's my son"--and the subject was dropped. Sometimes there's just a dynamic that goes on between certain kids and parents that never ends. This was sad, b/c this brother, instead of being appreciative, would tell us how much more loved he was than any of the rest of us b/c Mother constantly gave him money. Really? We just stopped talking about it. I'm pretty sure Mother paid for his cremation and the grandkids' airline tickets to get "home".
I'm really sorry for your situation--realistically, you probably can't do anything if Mom is competent and wants to give her money away. So sad.
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Time to use TOUGH LOVE. After she gets her apartment, tell her you will no longer be supporting her. End of discussion. Tell her never to call you again for money, and try to get your mother's POA so you can stop funds from going to her. Time to take some responsibility on her part and fend for herself!
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Just say no, I know that sounds cruel but she is asking for money for a pet, not to feed herself or her children.
It's funny but when the cash cow dries up people find another way to get the money they need or learn to live within their means.
If your Mother is spending her own money for the Memory Care facility and will run out of money eventually, Medicaid will look back 5 years and gifting money to her kid will be a Divestment. You are not doing your Mom any favors because they could give her a Medicaid Penalty for the money she gifted to her daughter.
Check with the local Medicaid office but 5 years is a long time to look back.....
This might be the perfect reason to stop the bleeding of the bank account!!
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If you can get POA, you would be in control of your mothers money. And do it before your sister does, because that would be a disaster.
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my dil's grandmother is in this exact situation - at least one daughter goes back to court in 2 weeks over it
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I recently went through a situation just like this. I wrote a letter to my sister that has taken money from my parents her whole life and explained the situation. It is now the time to take care of our parents not visa versa. I explained in general terms that mom needs her money that she worked for all her life for HER care no one else's. I sent copies to all siblings and my mother so everyone was on the same page. Also be aware of the gifting rules and penalties your mom could incur if she ends up needing help from the government.
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I agree contact APS. It is time for sister to be an adult take responsibility for herself. I think Mom is more important than a dog! Nursing home care is very expensive and it is highly likely your Mom will run out of money. If she can't get Medicaid because she gave her money away what will happen to her?
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Are you your mothers legal guardian or do you have a POA for her? Or is your mom still handling her own finances? In my experience the only way to win with a toxiic person is not to play. Their drama is not your drama. "Sorry, no. Sorry no." You don't have to explain or feel guilt. Just say "Sorry no.
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You can get your mum an advocate, which will take you both out the picture. Here in the uk you can use age concern. There must be an equivalent where u are. An advocate here isn't a lawyer, it's an appointed person which help the person handle their finances. Then your sister would have to go thru the advocate. It is a free service here.
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Contact Adult Protective Services and ask for their advice. Shame on your sister!
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