Hiya,
I just want to start off by saying I've had councilling previously and am looking to restart this ASAP to deal with my below thoughts/feelings! In the mean time I'd love some advice from others regarding looking after parents, if that means foregoing your needs. And how to draw boundaries if you want to focus on looking after yourself. I'm not an official carer, but help care for both of my parents a lot.
My dad is disabled mentally and physically and my mum is his registered carer. This has been the case for 10+ years. My mum has depression and anxiety and sometimes has panic attacks. She really struggles with her mental health and finds caring for him difficult. I have lived away from home for the last 12 years but just quit my job, in part to move back into the family home to help support them. In part though because I've experienced first hand (as many/most of you will have) that life doesn't go to plan, and I want to travel and go on adventures whilst I'm able to.
I'm 30 and am struggling to balance having a life, or sacrificing what I want to emotionally support my mum and help provide care for my dad. I feel like I'm not in control of my life, and feel like I'm expected to look after them both. My mum often 'jokes' that they had children as an insurance policy to look after them when they get old, but they already both need looking after and they will only continue to need more care as they get older.
When I have ideas about trips I'd like to go on, I'm usually met from my mum with comments such as 'but what am I going to do without you', 'but who's going to help me look after dad' and 'don't you think I also want to take a break and go away whenever I fancy'. I also get a lot of negativity from my sister for 'not thinking things through' and 'just not understanding'. As a result, I don't go on these adventures through guilt but then feel resentful. I want to just say bugger it I'm going anyway, but feel I can't by some unwritten rules/ties that I feel suffocated by.
My mum is chronically unhappy, and very negative about a lot of things. She has been for as long as I can remember, even prior to my dad being unwell.
I believe that if I gave up everything for the next 20-30 years to look after them both (they're both in their 60s), she would still be chronically unhappy. I feel like I need to ask permission for any and every little thing. I'm currently thinking about going on a two week adventure, one which I have wanted to do for years and have the time and savings to do however the thought of raising this idea to my mum and sister is extremely daunting.
My sister (older) helps out a lot with supporting mum, and I think she traps herself into helping when she doesn't want to. I help a lot also. But when I suggest wanting to go away I think she panics that she's then going to need to help looking after them both more, and she then gets very upset that I would suggest going away as it means leaving her in charge.
It's a very unhealthy dynamic that I really struggle with.
I am of the opinion that trapping myself into an unofficial caring role for my mum, is not the way forward for me. I absolutely want to support where I can, but don't think that it should dictate the next 20-30 years of my life. I think she needs to find alternative support systems and not just rely on her daughters sacrificing what they want to do to sit at home with her trying to make her happy.
I guess I needed a rant and to feel heard (if you've read this far tank you!). I want to know from other people how you would draw boundaries if you are want to live your life rather than get trapped in an unstable, unhealthy and unhappy environment.
If you think I'm being unreasonable and/or selfish for wanting to spread my wings and live my life when it's not possible for my mum and dad, please also let me know your opinions.
Are there not programs where Mom can get an aide? You are going to really resent not being able to do what u want to please Mom. I really don't understand why you quit a job and moved back if you did not really plan to be there most of time for Mom. I am not saying your wrong in how u feel and I am all for you being able to take trips. Just kind of curious why, knowing ur Mom, u chose to go home.
Figure out how you will avoid getting sucked into the guilt trap and live YOUR life as you see fit. Helping parents needs to be on your terms and not subject to guilt inducing passive-aggressive comments made to you by them or the peanut gallery. Otherwise you'll be a care slave for life, never travel or marry, and spend your life feeling resentful and angry for bowing to their expectations. Parents should never use their children as their care plan for old age, nevermind at 60 😑
While the expectation that children are grown to be carers is still around, the reality is that a good many adult children have no intention of stepping into that role and many who have are deeply regretting it. There's a proverb about the shrewd seeing disaster ahead and taking steps to avoid it. You're doing that; you KNOW it won't go well for anyone if you drop your ambitions to be trapped in the house for the next 6 gazillion years.
I remember an article on care planning stating that putting a loved one in the care of strangers IS often the best way an adult child/spouse cares for their parent/spouse. Perhaps your family should have The Discussion before things get worse; let everyone's expectations and realities be made known, draw up a plan of action... And if help is available outside the family, TAKE IT.
Enjoy your trip!
You have your whole life ahead of you.
You are ABSOLUTELY not doing anything wrong by having your own life.
Tell your mom that you will be moving out in 90 days.
Help find 2-3 solutions for assistance for them. Tell them that at 60 days, they need to have made a decision to begin one of these solutions, because at day 90, you WILL be out of their house.
Find an apartment and a job for yourself.
Move out. Start your job.
Then, proceed with your life.
Too late, then, for me to give any advice, and at this point I would be advising you to move out again.
You have known your Mom and Dad all your life and understand who they are, their limitations and their illnesses.
If you choose, as an adult, to move into this--knowing what mental illness is and what it means--then that is your grown-up decision for your own life. And I would respect that. But honestly l would never attempt to "help or advise" in such a situation.
I would like you to consider reading a memoir written by Liz Scheier about her trying to help her mentally ill mother for many decades. She had the help and support of the social services safety net in New York City/State. But all was to no avail. Other than near ruination of her life and an excellent book, nothing came of her attempts. The book is called Never Simple.
I wish you very good luck.
I don’t see putting your life on hold indefinitely. Your father could be like this for decades more. And then you will have your mother to care for.
Your mother needs to get some outside help and stop putting all this on your and your sister’s shoulders.
You need to get back to work and build your life and maybe have a family of your own.
You and your sister are not your parents’ insurance policy.
In a loving way you need to be very clear with your mother about what you will and will not be doing going forward.
I hope things get better for you.