The son who has POA says that his mother has no idea what day it is, but she seems to call him often with logical questions about her house. He lies to her and has asked all family members to keep it a secret from her.
Putting myself in her place, I sure would not want anyone selling my house and belongings without my permission. Since he has power of attorney and says that she "has no idea what's going on," is what he is doing ethical?
I had an Aunt accuse my cousin of stealing her sisters money when he placed his Mom, with ALZ, in an assisted living. Really, the AL probably cost 5k a month. Medicaid was needed later on and believe me, they would have found any discrepancies on her accts and a penalty would be placed.
Mindy, I would hope if there are any siblings, that the POA allows them some of Moms things.
This guy's mom is alive and they likely need the funds to pay for her care. As long as she's alive, the personal belongings still belong to her, so they get sold and the funds go to help pay for her as well. Her family will get what's left over, as it should be.
What does the son say? Try offering help to him. You have no idea what a lonely position being POA is unless you have been there, especially when all family members are critical of decisions.
Of course not. I wouldn't either.
You are right to question & protect her interests. Protecting rights is very important. Keep in mind not to be confused with what someone wants vs what they need.
Consider the differences here;
Temporary: If I was in sound mind, sent to a NH for a short duration.. eg suffered a broken arm/leg, had surgery, couldn't look after myself at home at present & needed respite care - until a rehab stay to start using my arm/leg again. Then return home.
Permanent: I had memory problems. I fluctuated between knowing how to maintain my home, about my bills & finances to being confused/disorientated to where I was, why I was there, what day it was. Not just what I ate for breakfast but how to plan my meals, how to bathe, when take my medication appropriately.
See the difference?
If I needed continual supervision &/or assistance for my daily living, if I needed NH accommodation - I no longer need my house.
It makes sense to sell it & use the funds for my current living needs. (Unfortunately I may not have the judgment, the insight to understand this, therefore not grant permission).
Tell us what the 90yo lady has been diagnosed with?
Something temporary, permanent or progressive?
When my Mom was in a nursing home, it was costing my Dad $12,000 per month. Yes, per month. Not many people have such funds sitting in a savings account, but sitting in equity in the house they own.
She is likely to have a private room too.
That may sound harsh, but try putting your cousins shoe on your foot for a moment to imagine how he might feel right now with the enormous weight of all he has on his plate. Perhaps, instead of asking this forum such a question, you should ask him what you can do to help him with his heavy load.