My 80 yr old father-in-law is completely fixated on discussing his bowel movements. Every time we talk to him (which is daily) he must lead the conversation with his "status", what occurred during the day, and it is in very graphic detail. It is the same when we are over...doesn't matter if we are talking about something else, eating a meal etc., the convo always goes back to that. He has plenty of care regarding this issue and a nurse visiting him almost daily to help him address his concerns. My husband has tried to steer the conversation to another topic, he has flat out asked him to not discuss while eating, he has trying to be empathetic and say "I hear that this is upsetting to you dad. I hope you feel better," but nothing seems to change this behavior.
Has anyone else run into this situation? Is it just us or maybe more common place than we realize? Is there anything that someone has tried that has been successful to get someone to move off this topic.
Thank you so much!
My grandmother was so pleasant to be around and never discussed bowel movements. She was a stickler for having good manners and would have considered it inappropriate.
My husband’s grandmother was a whole different story! Oh my gosh, I learned very quickly not to ask her how she was feeling in public.
Once I took her to a fine dining restaurant for lunch and I made the mistake of saying, “How are you feeling?” She said the craziest thing back to me. She said, “Awful! I have been feeling just awful because I have had tightness of the stool!” That was her insane way of saying that she had been constipated! 😆 LOL
This happened in a small, quiet intimate restaurant uptown. She always spoke loudly due to being hard of hearing. Everyone heard her!
The man at the table next to us was just about to take a bite of his beautifully prepared lunch when she blurted this out. I saw him put his fork down. I saw a few other people laughing. I wanted to crawl underneath the table!
I told my MIL this story afterwards. My MIL was a sweetheart and was nothing like her mom. She said, “Oh no, NEVER ask my mother how she feels when in public. She will surely embarrass you.” I never asked her how she felt in public again after my experience with her.
When I told my husband about what his grandmother did, he said that he was sorry but then we both started laughing hysterically about it!
My MIL used say that she either laughed or cried about her mom’s nonsense and that laughing was better than boo hooing all of the time. She had a fabulous sense of humor.
Sometimes I will throw in that I'm not a doctor so it's pointless to tell me her entire health history and problems because there's nothing I can do about them. Then I walk away.
Tell your father plainly but kindly that no one cares about his bowels and discussing them, and if he continues to carry on he will find himself alone with no one to talk to other than himself.
If he has dementia and it starts up, everyone should simply ingore him. Refuse to discuss the topic. He'll let it go if he's not getting any attention for it.
His biggest concern?
What could they do to keep him from getting constipated.
To my knowledge, that was not an issue for him ever, but he was in fear of living in horrible pain from that rather than anything to do with the giant tumor on his liver.
When we put him on hospice care three weeks later, he was somehow relieved because the comfort care kit they gave me had not only morphine, sleeping aids, and anti-anxiety meds, but laxatives. He never once needed them, because he didn't eat anything solid from that point on, but it had become a bit of an obsession for a while.
Yet strangely he did not believe I had IBS, until I had a flare up when visiting his small house. There was no hiding the frequent trips to the bathroom and the accompanying sounds. Then he finally believed it was real.
He tells stories of being in university and worrying about his classmates BMS.
Now, at 93 he has colon cancer and finally a reason to keep track of his "movements".
If no Dementia, you may need to be blunt and tell him that is not a subject you are comfortable talking about. He has a Nurse to discuss these type of things with. That its rather gross to be talking about it all the time and you wish he would stop. Because, if he continues to talk about it, you may not come to visit and definitely will not be sharing a meal with him.