Alcohol and my mom. Any advice?
I am in a low place so maybe this is all rubbish but I am done fighting my mom and her quest for wine.
She will find any way to get it. She spends her days in a recliner and is unable to walk but she'll message anyone on Facebook to bring it and eventually someone says yes. They bring it and serve it. She gets drunk and eventually falls asleep. Sometimes we get a new caregiver who ends up being an enabler then subsequently gets fired.
Once in a while there's a period of a few weeks or even or two where no one brings it and she dries out.
I have gone to extreme lengths to prevent this. Firing caregivers, locking her in her apartment, changing locks, going through her phone, locating people on Facebook I know brought her wine to chew them out, restricting access to her money, dropping everything or even leaving work to go over there and confiscate the wine.
There are no facilities in South Dakota that have agreed to take her with her alcoholism. There are no rehabs that can do her ADLs AND treat her as inpatient. She lives in her own apartment. I make sure rent and internet gets paid. I fill in for caregivers when needed.
I have made sure her social worker and APS is acutely aware of everything but all they do is come chat with her which means she turns into a little actress and says all the right things. So of course she's been declared competent. I see her as anything but.
I think I'm done fighting. If she wants to drink and suffer the same fate as my dad, then who am I to get in her way? This has been a fight going on over a decade. Nothing, and I mean nothing, has worked sustainably. She's showing signs of decline anyways. Could I live with that? I am not sure but I am NOT doing well with the situation of trying to save her life all the time in exchange for my sanity and peace, so what's the difference.
This is dark but the more she drinks, the faster this horrible era of caregiving is over with. I'll be 27 this summer. I am getting married soon and I desperately want to have children. I cannot fight my mom and have a newborn at the same time, and I'm done choosing my mom.
I am POA so I'm going to consult with an elder law attorney and figure out what my liabilities are, and then I think I'm going to just let her drink to her hearts content. It is causing SO MUCH strife keeping her away from it. It's a part time job on its own. She makes everyones life a living hell when she wants wine, so why bother.
It is tough being the daughter of an alcoholic.
I'd recommend Al Anon for you. It is free. It really helped me with my alcoholic parent.
Drop the rope. Don't police the drinking. Only Mom can decide to stop drinking. You can't change an alcoholic. You can only change you.
Devote yourself to your new husband and marriage.
❤️🙂
Otherwise, I have a new-ish mantra for myself. "They don't have to change. I can." Your mother drinks. Ok. That's her problem. You have done all you can to mitigate that reality for yourself-it certainly did not help her-but-again, the effort you put into helping her was done in good faith, a measure of trying to control an uncontrollable situation. As others here have suggested-Alanon meetings can help-free and you're with like minded people. I've gone to many, as a number of my family members are heavy drinkers. If one meeting doesn't feel like a good fit, try another. Each tend to be a bit differnt from the other. Same for therapists, if one doesn't seem quite right to you, try someone else. They know it's part of their line of work.
I was a caregiver to my mother years ago, and the hoops I jumped through, all the extra work I put in to keep everyone happy, and able to spend time with mom was unreal. Not anymore. Caring for my husband with dementia and I have much better boundries, and years of therapy, and will get through this somehow. It is much harder to do dementia care than cancer care. So....boundries stay in place. I sleep better and can focus on what needs to get done each day.
People bringing alcohol to the elder? That's a NO.
If you stand firm and show people, You are strong, have a backbone and don't play about your mother, They will back off. They will know better.
What kind of caregiver does this?
There is nothing you can do, you are not that powerful.
It gets to a point where a decision has to be made, it is her or you? Keeping in mind that there is no way to help her, she must help herself.
I had to make that decision 12 years ago, I chose me, best decision that I have ever made, the abuse ended, my life began.
I had broken away 2 times before once for 4 years another for 9 years, yet I kept going back, after all she is my mother right? I can fix her, right? WRONG.
I was a fool to go back thinking that she would change, nope, it was me who needed to change, and I did....I will never go back....I am done!
Put your family first at all times, live your life to the fullest, don't make the same mistake that I did.
Sending support your way!
You have done everything in your power to stop her drinking.
Hate to break it to you but that is not within your power. SHE is the only one that can decide to stop drinking.
Have you attended any AL anon meetings for family members? It might help you...it might not.
I think you need to resign yourself to the fact that this will continue, this will probably lead to her death.
Do what you need to do for yourself, for the life you want, the family you want.
You can not "save" her, save yourself.
I can’t say that I relate to your situation with a parent. My parents never drank or abused any substances.
Posts like yours are the toughest for me to answer because I have awful memories of my childhood due to my brother being an addict.
We see things that a child should never see when we grow up with an addict. I grew up in a ‘hush hush’ era, so needless to say that I experienced a lot of confusion during my childhood. There were no support groups for kids.
My parents didn’t know how to deal with my brother’s addiction.
When I grew up I tried to help him. I wasn’t successful in getting through to him. Oh, he had his periods of sobriety but they never lasted.
I decided that I had to step away once and for all. I didn’t see him again until I got a phone call from his friend who said that my brother was dying. My mom wanted to see him and I took her to see her first born son for his final days on this earth.
I said a prayer on the way over to be able to forgive him for all of the pain that he caused me, plus I resented that his behavior destroyed a large portion of my childhood. I felt like my childhood was stolen from me.
Anyway, I took one look at him dying and I was able to forgive him. Am I sorry that I cut him out of my life for years prior to his death? No, I’m not. I had to do it. I was married with children and caring for my mom. I had reached my threshold of pain trying to help him.
I accepted that I couldn’t help him. I went to support groups and I sought therapy. I saved myself and now it is your turn to save yourself.
You can’t save your mom, but you can save yourself from being destroyed by her addiction.
Wishing you peace as you discover a new life. You will grieve. I found myself grieving for ‘what could have been.’ It’s hard. It gets easier with time and therapy. You’ll be okay. The first step is always the hardest but I know that you can do it.
Wishing you a happy life with your fiancé.
Maybe you will need to give up ur POA to get Mom the help she needs. Let the state take over her care.
Also do join Alanon and/or see a therapist who is expert in addictions. Her behaviour has affected you in more ways than you probably realize. You plan to get married and want to have children so get yourself healed from being a child of addict. Most of us need help for that. (((((((hugs)))))) Look after yourself.
You are powerless against mom's alcohol abuse. APS can't do anything because she is competent and making poor choices.
You need to let her fail, as painful as that is.
You mom is a competent person making poor choices. That's why APS is powerless.
As are you. I hope you are attending AlAnon meetings. They will help.
By all means see an elder attorney to get your POA dropped ASAP, and get on with living and enjoying your life with your fiancé and eventual children.
You certainly don't want to drag that mess with your mom into a new marriage. If you do it will be doomed to fail from the start.
Alcoholism is a HORRIBLE disease! I know it first hand. There comes a point when you just have to throw up your hands and say I'M DONE.
Your mom will more than likely have to go into a rehab center to detox before she can be placed in a facility, but let APS worry about all that as you my dear need to just wash your hands of this mess.
You've done all you can do, so please now tell your mom that you won't be coming over ever again until and when she gets sober for good.
It's time for a wake up call for your mom.
I wish you a happy life going forward.