She has three able bodied sons close by, (my husband included) no daughters, and a mildly incapacitated husband. She is 86, her husband is 87. They do not have means generally nor to pay for care services, will NOT tolerate putting her into a nursing home under Medicaid under ANY circumstances, and so dad and sons elected for family care in the family home upon discharge from the hospital following a recent terminal diagnosis (Lung Cancer Stage 4) where no additional medical intervention was advised or could be tolerated they said; she was basically kicked out of the hospital as not deemed fatal within 6 days to qualify for inpatient hospice stay. Estimates of her mortality range from 1 week to 6 months. She is now covered under Medicare "level 1" Home Hospice (which means a nurse 2 x per week and an aide 3 x per week, both for an hour or less each visit ) for the time being, which still leaves a lot of care responsibilities to the family. A prior mild stroke 6 months ago and various other health issues have left her incontinent for some time even before this diagnosis. Recent additional issues (including partially collapsed lung, etc) have now also left her bed ridden with the incontinence. She is regularly needing a diaper change in bed for urine or feces as she is eating pretty well and otherwise doing pretty good at this time!
The boys are dividing 12-14 hours a day "on call" in the home to help their mom and dad. The 2 other daughters in law are also pitching in with diaper duty when visiting. I am not willing or comfortable with the diaper duty, have requested to help in ANY other way at the home ( shopping, cooking, serving, cleaning, etc) but am definitely feeling judged as unloving/uncaring because of my boundary regarding her most personal need. Am I wrong to resist diaper duty? Wrong to resent my husband for also expecting this help? Or is my husband/inlaw family wrong to expect it and equate this resistance with a lack of affection for her or them on my part? Please don't tell me " it gets easier".....I did it for my own own mother at her end of life, but this is not my mother and she has her own children.
It is not reasonable for others to decide for you - or insist you provide this intimate task.
It is up to you to decide if & how you will care for your MIL. There are many other ways besides hands-on care. Being an emotional support for her or the others providing care is very important too.
My husband was completely bedridden for the last 22 months of his life. He had a supra pubic catheter(which is a permanent catheter), and I had a CNA come every morning to put my husband on the bedside commode, so he could poop. She would lift him out of the bed and put him on the commode, and then hold him up, while I cleaned him up, and put his diaper back on. That was much easier than trying to change a poop diaper in the bed.
So maybe if the VA or Medicaid doesn't pan out, the kids and their spouses can all go in(if you want) to help pay for a CNA to come and assist mom with diaper duty. Good luck.
PS: no VA help, and they are "just" over the Medicaid threshold at this time but maybe will need to study options there more.
These situations are stressful on EVERYONE touched by them. I was in my husband's place with my own mom 7 years ago when frequently needing to change or help change her diaper in the skilled care facility she ended up in for 18 months before succumbing to her own health challenges at 84. I was quick to help. I know I would have done the same for my own dad in a heartbeat had he required this help before his death. Now the tables are turned and I frankly have more empathy to what my husband may have been going through as a son-in-law on the sidelines in the situation. But I would NEVER have asked or expected him to change my own mothers OR father's diapers and in fact would have railed against that along with my parents! I find it disturbingly odd it is so polar opposite with his parents expecting me to dive in this way! God bless everyone with these challenges, including you.
Thank you, thank you for your random acts of kindness in responding. I was prepared for an "attitude adjustment", and maybe some responses still coming will land on the other side. If so, I can only hope to be blessed with some divine intervention to help me along; but, meanwhile, I feel like God must understand my feelings and foibles if so many of you also seem to!
Diapers/bathing was the line in the sand for me with own mother. Actually, a line in concrete!
BTW, I don't want my kids or even my husband to change my diapers if I'm unfortunate enough to need them.
please take care of yourself and the other family members need to do the same. Our elders sometimes are so dang stubborn about not wanting to go in to nursing home....at least now you have hospice, and they can provide service to you too...ask to speak wth social worker or chaplain....or you might want to talk to a therapist, they can give you answers that you can apply and just hang in there......all the caregivers on this forum have walked this path, some for 20 years., they will provide you with heartfelt compassion and empathy. Liz
You sound like a sensible woman to me. If you needed validation for your feelings, you have it from all of us!
I am not concerned about you caving in. You sound determined to not fall for their shenanigans.
The monkey is on their back to find a solution. This is not your responsibility. Let them figure it out.
If they push. Push back! You don’t owe them any explanation either. It’s annoying but please don’t allow them to trouble your heart.
Walk away! Take a long bath. Go for a walk. Go for a drive. Listen to your favorite music. Watch a movie. Bake some brownies! Read a book. Have a glass of wine.
Distract yourself any way you please if they pressure you.
Peace and blessings to you for your kindness.
You are not a bad person, nor a bad daughter in law. You are allowed to set boundaries for yourself about what you are willing to do.
Anyone who tells you differently is just plain wrong.
Peace and blessings.
So I hope I'm clear that no, you are not a bad DIL, a bad person or in any way wrong to have your own personal red lines.
Having said that... I must admit I'm a bit baffled. You've done this job before, you have the skills, you'd probably do it *better* than the novice family members - what's the problem??? Just between us friends, not pushing you to change your mind, what was it about continence care specifically that makes you so decided?
Thank you for being part of the angels-on-earth to respond and help me through this.
No, ur a daughter in law. I don't feel that is your responsibility. And if your not comfortable with it don't do it. As said a catheter can be inserted.
I think doing what your willing to do is enough.
Look, we each have our own "no more" points when it comes to caregiving. Mine was "diaper duty". It was also washing mom's "private areas" when I gave her a shower. I would do everything else, but she was responsible for her hygiene "down there". It was just not something I was comfortable doing. And it wasn't the "eww, gross" factor; I cleaned up after enough accidents that she had. I think it was the knowledge that by doing that aspect of caregiving, then the parent/child dynamic would have been irrevocably changed, a change I fought against tooth and nail.
Now, in your situation, what I don't get is if you're showing a "lack of affection" towards you MIL by refusing to change diapers, what does that say about her sons who, I am assuming, aren't willing to take up that aspect of caring for mom? And if the sons ARE doing diaper duty normally, but then foisting it off on their wives when they happen to be around, well - that's just wrong on so many levels. I think this is more about 3 brothers comparing what their wives are willing - and NOT willing - to do for THEIR mother.
Stick to your guns, you don't have to prove your love for MIL to anyone.
From all of you, I feel better accepting that " so be it." Thank you thank you for reading, responding and listening. It has made all the difference to my aching heart <3
unconditional love, which is easily recognized by our LO needing the help. There are so many ways (all very important) to care for our elderly in need; changing briefs is but one small item. Don’t beat yourself up- it’s ok! We can show love in hundreds of ways😀
Warmly,
Sunny
People should only do what they are comfortable with, if that. Resentment can build if family is pushed. Expectations need to be leveled. God bless you for posting here.
You ARE helping. If you weren't doing anything at all, I'd have a different opinion, but no, you aren't a bad DIL at all.
It’s patient care, not a popularity contest, and 30 years into a stable marriage you shouldn’t have to feel like you still need to jump through hoops.
Also "they" will not tolerate putting her in a nursing home? "They" certainly will if all of you come to the conclusion that you simply cannot provide the care she needs yourselves. No, you most certainly are not being selfish for refusing to change her diapers. Her grown sons aren't doing it. No one thinks twice putting it on you because you're a woman and women are always the ones who get stuck being caregivers. It's all right to tell them a hard NO.
If you want direct numbers and contacts to save yourself, I can give that to you. Just PM me.
These situations are very different. You have boundaries. Your spouse and in-laws need to respect that.