Am I a BAD daughter in law for declining to change my mother in laws dirty diapers?

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Am I a BAD daughter in law for declining to change my mother in laws dirty diapers?

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She has three able bodied sons close by, (my husband included) no daughters, and a mildly incapacitated husband. She is 86, her husband is 87. They do not have means generally nor to pay for care services, will NOT tolerate putting her into a nursing home under Medicaid under ANY circumstances, and so dad and sons elected for family care in the family home upon discharge from the hospital following a recent terminal diagnosis (Lung Cancer Stage 4) where no additional medical intervention was advised or could be tolerated they said; she was basically kicked out of the hospital as not deemed fatal within 6 days to qualify for inpatient hospice stay. Estimates of her mortality range from 1 week to 6 months. She is now covered under Medicare "level 1" Home Hospice (which means a nurse 2 x per week and an aide 3 x per week, both for an hour or less each visit ) for the time being, which still leaves a lot of care responsibilities to the family. A prior mild stroke 6 months ago and various other health issues have left her incontinent for some time even before this diagnosis. Recent additional issues (including partially collapsed lung, etc) have now also left her bed ridden with the incontinence. She is regularly needing a diaper change in bed for urine or feces as she is eating pretty well and otherwise doing pretty good at this time!

The boys are dividing 12-14 hours a day "on call" in the home to help their mom and dad. The 2 other daughters in law are also pitching in with diaper duty when visiting. I am not willing or comfortable with the diaper duty, have requested to help in ANY other way at the home ( shopping, cooking, serving, cleaning, etc) but am definitely feeling judged as unloving/uncaring because of my boundary regarding her most personal need. Am I wrong to resist diaper duty? Wrong to resent my husband for also expecting this help? Or is my husband/inlaw family wrong to expect it and equate this resistance with a lack of affection for her or them on my part? Please don't tell me " it gets easier".....I did it for my own own mother at her end of life, but this is not my mother and she has her own children.

Care Decisions Family Caregiver Incontinence

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If this helps, you’re not a ‘bad’ person. Some people just cannot do certain things without gagging or worse. Since there are others to help your mother in law and you’re willing to do anything else, show up at extra times and go above and beyond with everything else. And you may even suggest a catheter since she’s having so much trouble. Just a couple of thoughts.

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Of the comments read (haven't gotten to them all yet), seems like most are saying no, you are not selfish and I would agree. You are also not uncaring, as you expressed desire to help in other ways. Stand your ground. If they want to "judge" you for this, let them. You care enough to be supportive and help where you can and do what you feel comfortable with. If anyone expresses that judgement, tell them that. Each person contributes what they can.

Those who should really be judged are those who don't show up at all. Our mother was moved to MC, and I was her "manager", provider and visitor. My bros were pretty much absent and I can't say how disgusted I am with this (not the reason I chose that screen name, but it certainly fits now!!!)

(Personally I don't think I could have done this for my own mother! I also don't expect my kids to do that for me and have told them so!)

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Absolutely not. If they don't want to place Mom, then they'll have to take care of toilet and diaper needs too. Can't have one without the other. I would never insist that from an in-law, and would never expect them to.

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Imho, it is NOT your responsibility to change your MIL's diapers.

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You are not wrong. This caregiving doesn’t get any easier. I understand that every family has different ideas, beliefs, and comfort levels in what they are willing to perform for their adult relatives. For me personally, unless the relative is a baby, no way. When it’s a non relative at the nursing home and part of my employment agreement? Yes.
These situations are very different. You have boundaries. Your spouse and in-laws need to respect that.

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You are actually the luckiest person alive since based on your profile you are in my county and MI has some of the most f*cked up rules ever about abuse and "family" and such and been there, done that.

If you want direct numbers and contacts to save yourself, I can give that to you. Just PM me.

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Just in case you havent heard this before, or seen it posted in a comment,here goes.......NO is a complete sentence! And do not let anyone, especially your husband, make you feel bad about this. Has he or any of the brothers ever had to clean a messy, soggy diaper?? Many blessings to you!! Liz

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Nope. You're A-OK.

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While we all have limits on our ability to interact with the terrible needs of others, including our loved ones, you should not be blamed for your limits. I will say that, unlike the professional caregiver who commented below, the worst time you help is the first time. It definitely gets easier, and is a kindness that cannot be overstated. We are able to happily deal with ourselves in the bathroom. Extending that feeling to others is not impossible, and teaches us about kindness. No one should be asked to do what they cannot do. And kindness is a great power.

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I wasn't willing to do diaper duty for my dad either. He wad 94 and I was 62. I never got married or had kids. I was pretty much married to my parents. My mother died 32 years ago. I didn't move into his home with him because I would have been responsible for everything including shower help and diaper duty.

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No. You are not wrong or selfish to refuse to change her diapers. I've been a paid caregiver for almost 25 years and trust me, the diaper changing, bathing, and feeding NEVER get less gross and disgusting with time or experience. Your FIL is wrong to not allow paid caregivers to help out with his wife. He expects the family who I'm assuming are not in the caregiving line of work who do not have experience in it, to do the hard and disgusting work of changing, washing, and feeding her. Somebody needs to take this situation over because your FIL can't do it. Yet as I understand it from your post, FIL is unwilling to do any of this work himself.
Also "they" will not tolerate putting her in a nursing home? "They" certainly will if all of you come to the conclusion that you simply cannot provide the care she needs yourselves. No, you most certainly are not being selfish for refusing to change her diapers. Her grown sons aren't doing it. No one thinks twice putting it on you because you're a woman and women are always the ones who get stuck being caregivers. It's all right to tell them a hard NO.

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Every person has his/her pet peeve. This one is yours. Since you are adamant about this task, you should have a family meeting with all care providers to outline what each person will do to provide care. Make a list of other tasks like housecleaning, laundry, food preparation, grocery shopping, managing finances... that you are willing to take on weekly so that others need only care for mom and dad's physical needs. Make sure that their is a weekly schedule so each person knows when he/she is "on duty". Since a hospice nurse is coming in. Ask her about fecal pouches and urinary devices that keep the bottom from being "dirty all the time" and require less frequent diaper changes. This would help all people who are providing "hands-on" care. Maybe with these in place, you would find this task less problematic.

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Nope. I have a brother and SIL who are RN’s, and they would probably do it, or they might just opt out, but I can’t imagine my other non-medical SIL or brother doing diaper duty, nor would I expect them to. They could contribute in other ways, or set up for an aide to assist during their shift if the family expectation was that the family had to manage all the direct care. Who cares how it’s done, as long as it gets done?!
It’s patient care, not a popularity contest, and 30 years into a stable marriage you shouldn’t have to feel like you still need to jump through hoops.

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People do what they can do. It isn't the place of anyone else to judge another as to what their tolerance level is.

You ARE helping. If you weren't doing anything at all, I'd have a different opinion, but no, you aren't a bad DIL at all.

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I am a Nurse Practitioner. Before becoming a NP I was an RN...and cleaned and changed patients’ diapers. However, I would not feel comfortable doing the same for my in-laws or parents. My in-laws have an adult daughter who refuses to give any physical card to her father. My father was physically, emotionally, psychologically, and sexually abuse. My mother was complicit in her silence and acquiescing to my father, rather than protecting me. My siblings are aware of this, and support my objections. I find it hypocritical that family members expect a female member to care for incontinent families members, and give a free pass to themselves. Do NOT feel guilty. Just say, “NO!” Suggest admitting her to assisted living or skilled nursing facility. If necessary, have all siblings split the cost. Demand your husband support you. You ABSOLUTELY have every right to refuse doing anything that is offensive to you. Stand your ground...call their bluff... do not change your MIL’s diapers and do NOT allow these selfish family members to project their guilt on you.

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Absolutely right Conflicted55. It always falls on women to do the dirty and disgusting work of caregiving the diaper changing, feeding, and washing. Saying no is not wrong or selfish.

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Oh good heavens! You are NOT a bad DIL! The fact that these people would expect that of you speaks volumes about them. Everyone’s expectations are out of whack there. I feel bad because my husband fixes breakfast for my mother who lives with us and he takes care of her cat while I do all the ‘not nice’ things for my mom and still have to work full time from home (he’s retired).
People should only do what they are comfortable with, if that. Resentment can build if family is pushed. Expectations need to be leveled. God bless you for posting here.

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Please don't feel bad about stating your care limitations. Changing a baby's diaper is one thing...and an adult's is truly another. I realize other people may see this differently and that is fine for them. I have cleaned up my dad's adult accidents and managed disposing of his briefs. It was difficult for me. I cannot put myself in that situation again on down the road with others. You're not alone.
Warmly,
Sunny

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It’s good there’s some help for your LO. IMHO you should not have to change a brief if you’re that opposed to it. Our LO feel bad about having to require briefs and help with messy changes. My mom used to tell me how helpless and degraded it made her feel. These folks know if we are disgusted by changing them and it makes matters worse. No one jumps for joy at the thought of changing a brief, but those of us that do aren’t disgusted. I believe we come from a place of compassion and
unconditional love, which is easily recognized by our LO needing the help. There are so many ways (all very important) to care for our elderly in need; changing briefs is but one small item. Don’t beat yourself up- it’s ok! We can show love in hundreds of ways😀

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Well, if you're wrong then I was doubly wrong, because changing diapers was the one thing I was not willing to do for my own mom, never mind MIL.

Look, we each have our own "no more" points when it comes to caregiving. Mine was "diaper duty". It was also washing mom's "private areas" when I gave her a shower. I would do everything else, but she was responsible for her hygiene "down there". It was just not something I was comfortable doing. And it wasn't the "eww, gross" factor; I cleaned up after enough accidents that she had. I think it was the knowledge that by doing that aspect of caregiving, then the parent/child dynamic would have been irrevocably changed, a change I fought against tooth and nail.

Now, in your situation, what I don't get is if you're showing a "lack of affection" towards you MIL by refusing to change diapers, what does that say about her sons who, I am assuming, aren't willing to take up that aspect of caring for mom? And if the sons ARE doing diaper duty normally, but then foisting it off on their wives when they happen to be around, well - that's just wrong on so many levels. I think this is more about 3 brothers comparing what their wives are willing - and NOT willing - to do for THEIR mother.

Stick to your guns, you don't have to prove your love for MIL to anyone.

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Oh notgoodenough, I so appreciate your sage experience and advice and perspective. You are so totally are hitting the nail on the head. The boys ARE doing diaper duty but when the wives visit to pay respects or keep their men company there is this pervasive tension in the air of "you are an equal part of the family" ( see my other comments below) by the boys (AND actually the dad especially) and being "honored" by the other 2 DIL's of the clan......This family is VERY old fashioned also, and I DO feel there is misogyny at play, with the men ( boys and dad) feeling this is "natural women's work" (since we all changed our own baby's diapers! TOTALLY DIFFERENT).........I do think I have disappointed my husband, and I think you are totally right I am also being "stacked up" against the other 2 DIL's by the boys AND frankly their wives (who I feel enjoy making me look like the black sheep of the clan again, as I have always been). I told my husband right at the start " I'll take my demerits, I am not going to do this. I will do anything else." But nothing else seems to matter to them, not my baking/cooking or offers to help in every other way.
From all of you, I feel better accepting that " so be it." Thank you thank you for reading, responding and listening. It has made all the difference to my aching heart <3

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My daughter is a nurse and she told me she will not be wiping my butt. I think toileting was the worst thing I had to do for my Mom. Really, I didn't enjoy bathing her either. Just such a loss of dignity. When she went to an AL, I always allowed the aides to do it. I would even tell them when she needed a change. She was paying big bucks to have the care. And while I had Mom, she went on the toilet. Don't know what I would have done if I had to change her while in a bed.

No, ur a daughter in law. I don't feel that is your responsibility. And if your not comfortable with it don't do it. As said a catheter can be inserted.

I think doing what your willing to do is enough.

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Thank you JoAnn29 for your kindness and sharing and response. Every thanks I have sincerely given to every response applies in kind to you. I thank GOD for guiding me to this forum and am looking into how I can support it, if not from a caregiver perspective, than financially or some other way. What a lifeline for those of us drowning in our own self doubt!

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I think people who criticise volunteers such as yourself might bear in mind that you're not under any obligation to lift a finger. It would serve them only right if you told them where to shove the care and declined to be involved at all.

So I hope I'm clear that no, you are not a bad DIL, a bad person or in any way wrong to have your own personal red lines.

Having said that... I must admit I'm a bit baffled. You've done this job before, you have the skills, you'd probably do it *better* than the novice family members - what's the problem??? Just between us friends, not pushing you to change your mind, what was it about continence care specifically that makes you so decided?

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Ah, Countrymouse, re your question: I think in the end it MUST boil down to a level of love and caring ( or otherwise calling) that will allow one to plunge into the most unpleasant and distasteful thing one can think of. For me, this is on that very short list. So, ironically, even though I bristle that my husband and in-laws may "question" my love for my mother-in-law by my diaper duty resistance (over their expressions and demonstrations throughout the years that I am truly "part of the family" and thus so equally obligated as the rest), in the end that is probably the case! Not that I do NOT love my MIL -- I have much affection for her. We are not super close emotionally, though ( more due to physical distance between us over my entire 30 year relationship with her son). I think have innate emotional influences related to "flesh and blood" over "married into". I would do ALOT of service to/for my MIL and my FIL. But not enough to dive into their diapers like I would with my own flesh and blood. So for me, it must be a level of love that transcends what I have inside for them. My husband is diving in. He loves his mom beyond measure with that same kind of love I had for my own mom. And I love him for that.
Thank you for being part of the angels-on-earth to respond and help me through this.

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If her husband and children have determined that they will only accept home care, then it is on THEM to provide the care. They should not and cannot force you to comply with THEIR wishes.

You are not a bad person, nor a bad daughter in law. You are allowed to set boundaries for yourself about what you are willing to do.

Anyone who tells you differently is just plain wrong.

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Barb, thank you thank you most sincerely for your response. All of the profuse thanks I have expressed to all other responses apply to you. Everyone is helping me to accept that I am still a child of God, a good person, with a good heart, and will continue to offer to do all that I can abide. I am, and it is, good enough. Everyone needs to feel this way and find their own way accordingly. But oh, self doubt is a powerful thing -- and so is good old catholic girl guilt, which I have PLENTY enough of to last a lifetime!!!
Peace and blessings.

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You are NOT wrong! Your in-laws ARE wrong.

You sound like a sensible woman to me. If you needed validation for your feelings, you have it from all of us!

I am not concerned about you caving in. You sound determined to not fall for their shenanigans.

The monkey is on their back to find a solution. This is not your responsibility. Let them figure it out.

If they push. Push back! You don’t owe them any explanation either. It’s annoying but please don’t allow them to trouble your heart.

Walk away! Take a long bath. Go for a walk. Go for a drive. Listen to your favorite music. Watch a movie. Bake some brownies! Read a book. Have a glass of wine.

Distract yourself any way you please if they pressure you.

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NHWM, Bless you as another angel-on-earth to monitor and respond to me . The lack of judgment and abundance of sympathy I am receiving within this forum is helping my troubled heart to heal. And maybe TIME will bring me to another level of calling with my MIL's needs too. I'll have to keep you all posted if so.

Peace and blessings to you for your kindness.

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NO WAY are you responsible to change your MILs diaper....and you certainly are not a bad person....i dont blame you for stating the fact that you cannot provide this service for ur MIL. Dont allow them to try to guilt you into this either....you have offered to help in many other ways...
please take care of yourself and the other family members need to do the same. Our elders sometimes are so dang stubborn about not wanting to go in to nursing home....at least now you have hospice, and they can provide service to you too...ask to speak wth social worker or chaplain....or you might want to talk to a therapist, they can give you answers that you can apply and just hang in there......all the caregivers on this forum have walked this path, some for 20 years., they will provide you with heartfelt compassion and empathy. Liz

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cherokeegrrl54, I am sure feeling the heartfelt compassion and empathy and thanking GOD I somehow stumbled on this forum and received such quick and caring responses like yours. My aching heart is mending because of all of you. Bless you and keep well.

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You are not wrong. Don't let anyone make you feel bad or guilty.

Diapers/bathing was the line in the sand for me with own mother. Actually, a line in concrete!

BTW, I don't want my kids or even my husband to change my diapers if I'm unfortunate enough to need them.

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Mollymoose, yesyesyes. This issue prompted me to speak to my only child ( a son, now 25) to emphasize I will do all within my power to have funds and resources available to hire professional help for diaper duty if/when my or my husband's time should come! Or perhaps he will be lucky enough in his worklife to muster the same for us on his own. My parents always emphasized the same to me as I was growing up, and DID. When my mom ended up bedridden in a 24/7 skilled care center at her end of life for 18 months, we used over $100,000 per year of her savings for her care. I DID change or assist on diapers, only very infrequently when the skilled care would not respond soon enough for my liking or only 1 aide was available, etc. I was thankful beyond measure we could oversee her care daily but did not have diaper duty as a regular chore. Thank you my momma in heaven!!!! And thank you mollymoose, we are "muy simpatico" on this issue.

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The family is in the wrong here, for forcing MILs care on everyone rather than hiring caregivers at this stage of the woman's life. Penny pinching is an ugly thing. Please don't blame yourself for refusing to do it. I could never....I don't have the stomach for it nor will I apologize, either.

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Thank you lealonnie.......we are of like ilk. I thank GOD there are those in this world who have a "calling" for this caring. I told my husband, I never in my life had any urge to be one of them. Peace, thanks and blessings to you.

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You are definitely NOT wrong and let me tell you, even if this was your own mother you wouldn’t be wrong here. We are all allowed to draw the line somewhere, PERIOD. And don’t let the martyrs try to tell you otherwise and make comments like “it’s no different than changing a baby’s diaper” (Believe it not, some of the worst offenders are childless!) or worse, try to guilt you By saying your mother changed your diapers so the least you can do is change hers! Nope nope nope. It is not the same and the fact that our parents cared for us as babies doesn’t mean we are indebted to them now that they are old and incontinent! No matter what the situation is, you are not wrong for not wanting to do this. You are not wrong for not wanting to provide hands on care. And to me, I find this situation especially ridiculous considering the fact that her own blood family will not allow outside help. Their refusal to do that doesn’t make you obligated to do the dirty work here. I say, if they don’t want to place her or try to her home care through Medicaid then let them deal with the burden of caring for her.

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Dearest Worried, every reply I have given back to other responders below is DITTO to you also, with my sincere thanks for your kindness in sharing your opinion and thoughts. Truly, if the 6 of you so far would have told me to "suck it up buttercup" I probably would have tried to figure out a way -- believe me, I was SOOO conflicted and stressed out about how I was feeling on this issue and questioning these feelings. Everyone truly has given me some needed comfort so that I can now sleep. This doesn't mean I won't keep openminded to working my way toward more personal care assist if and as I can, but I can sleep without guilt that I am doing the best I am able. Thank you, thank you, thank you one and all.

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You are not wrong, it is the way you feel plus you have offered to help in other ways. I did do it for my MIL, however my situation was much different than yours, she was living in my home and my husband assisted at diaper changing times. Was it something I "wanted" to do? Nope, but who else was there, just me and DH, did what I had to do. If you do not feel comfortable doing it, stick to your guns and don't do it. If family tries to pressure you into doing more than you want, stop going to inlaws home with your husband. If questioned about why you no longer go be honest and tell them that you will not be shamed into doing something that makes you uncomfortable and by taking yourself out of the situation you have relieved everyone of added stress. Let them judge, you are not responsible for their thoughts or feelings only your own. They should be thankful for what you are willing to do for her and FIL which is still quite a list. If it makes you feel any better,my SIL who lives locally refused to assist with changing her mother's diaper so it has absolutely nothing to do with if you love and care about her. Hugs to you, let her son do it.

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Takincare, I am so grateful for you and this forum I stumbled on to help me stop questioning my basic decency. Your reply in particular also addresses the additional "unease" and anxiety I did not mention in my post ,but absolutely have, about continuing to visit "conditionally" and how stressful that could be. So thanks for the support and your advice and perspective on THAT too!

These situations are stressful on EVERYONE touched by them. I was in my husband's place with my own mom 7 years ago when frequently needing to change or help change her diaper in the skilled care facility she ended up in for 18 months before succumbing to her own health challenges at 84. I was quick to help. I know I would have done the same for my own dad in a heartbeat had he required this help before his death. Now the tables are turned and I frankly have more empathy to what my husband may have been going through as a son-in-law on the sidelines in the situation. But I would NEVER have asked or expected him to change my own mothers OR father's diapers and in fact would have railed against that along with my parents! I find it disturbingly odd it is so polar opposite with his parents expecting me to dive in this way! God bless everyone with these challenges, including you.

Thank you, thank you for your random acts of kindness in responding. I was prepared for an "attitude adjustment", and maybe some responses still coming will land on the other side. If so, I can only hope to be blessed with some divine intervention to help me along; but, meanwhile, I feel like God must understand my feelings and foibles if so many of you also seem to!

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You are not wrong to resist diaper duty, and you're not wrong for resenting your husband to expect you to do it either. Is he offering to do it? I'm guessing probably not. Not everyone is cut out for changing an adults dirty diapers. You've already told them that you would do other things regarding her care, so that should be that. The family members giving you a hard time or making you feel guilty are probably just mad that they didn't speak up first to voice their displeasure in doing diaper duty. You say that the family doesn't have enough money for any kind of outside help, but if her husband was in the military, perhaps the VA can help some. Also your in-laws can apply for Medicaid, and they can perhaps provide some in home help as well. You can also ask hospice to put a catheter in your mother-in-law, which would take away having to change a pee diaper. You'd only have to empty the bag twice a day.

My husband was completely bedridden for the last 22 months of his life. He had a supra pubic catheter(which is a permanent catheter), and I had a CNA come every morning to put my husband on the bedside commode, so he could poop. She would lift him out of the bed and put him on the commode, and then hold him up, while I cleaned him up, and put his diaper back on. That was much easier than trying to change a poop diaper in the bed.

So maybe if the VA or Medicaid doesn't pan out, the kids and their spouses can all go in(if you want) to help pay for a CNA to come and assist mom with diaper duty. Good luck.

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Sincere thanks FG59, you also are helping me to finally get some sleep after agonizing over this for 10 days, whilst I continue to pray for more caregiving inclinations. Peace and blessings to you, and my condolences on the loss of your husband.
PS: no VA help, and they are "just" over the Medicaid threshold at this time but maybe will need to study options there more.

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No you are not 'bad'.

It is not reasonable for others to decide for you - or insist you provide this intimate task.

It is up to you to decide if & how you will care for your MIL. There are many other ways besides hands-on care. Being an emotional support for her or the others providing care is very important too.

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Thank you Beatty, you also are helping me to finally get some sleep after agonizing over this for 11 days, while I continue to pray for more caregiving inclinations!! Peace and blessings.

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Am I a BAD daughter in law for declining to change my mother in laws dirty diapers?

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