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Sometimes being a caregiver is just too much and feeling guilt over it, while normal, is pointless. I would say this even if we were talking about your actual mother, but when your own health starts to be affected by caregiving, it's time to consider a nursing home. [What good will it do her, your family, or yourself if you develop even more serious health issues over this?] I think it's wonderful that you've been so kind to this woman you obviously treasure, but you've reached your limit. You talk about expense as well -- is she paying for the nurses, or you? Again, it's wonderful how you're helping but I think the point has been reached when medicaid can pay for her care (in a nursing home) and you can use the money you've been spending for your own family's needs.

No one wants to put a loved one in a nursing home, but when you're reaching a point where you feel trapped and exhausted and like your life is no longer your own, it's time to explore options before your own health issues get worse.

It's tough, but in the long run she'll probably get better care than you and a couple of nurses for two hours can provide. And you''ll have your life back!

This is not selfishness, it's reality.

Try to place her where you can visit her regularly. She may adjust better than you think. She may be unable to see your point of view at first, but that may change.

Best of luck!
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Miss Debbie, you are not being selfish. I am a respite in home caregiver, for an extremely special needs man, and have had the same feelings as you, guilt, resentment, stress, anxiety ect..My doctors advice for me was to move away, forget about my special needs relative and start my life over, how stupid is that. Like me you care very much for your family member and are doing all you can. I have taken two 2 week vacations, NY & FL, in the last 2 years. When I returned home everyone from family, friends, church members and even cashiers at the grocery store commented on how healthy I looked and what a difference in my all around attitude. I understand when family say they will help and don't, because of the amount of care your Godmother needs. I have been doing respite care for 10 years now and recently I have taken classes in gentrology and aging process for mentally retarted, Alzheimer's/dementia. In other words how fast they go down hill which is different from a person without these disabilities. I would love to help you and your spouse out, and my fee is almost 2/3 less then what you pay now. This is only because I love what I do and I only do it for families who really care for their relative and deserve time to themselves, not for people who just do not want to be bothered with their relative and would rather go to country clubs everyday. I would be honored to offer a caring person like you a helping hand. God Bless, Patti
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Frankly -- responding to the last post -- I think it's "stupid" to ignore your doctor's advice, especially when a certain percentage of caregivers do not outlive the relatives they are caring for. The first rule of caregiving is to take care of yourself, and the second rule is that if caregiving is too much for you -- not everyone is cut out to be a caregiver -- you should seek alternate solutions.
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When I made my post 3 days ago, I wrote insured. Bad typing, I meant insecure. You are getting a lot of good answers. I hope you get some peace about this.
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You're absolutely not being selfish.
I cared for my Mom for 14 years, and there were many times that I wanted to "run away" from everything and escape to a tropical island to be alone.
Being a caregiver can slowly grind you down and fatigue you both mentally and physically.
When things start getting to you, arrange to have some "me time" for yourself.
It will help get you back on track.
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care giving is very lonely ---can't find people that are easy to connect with friends have all died no groups to meet up with in person feeling very isolated
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If you are caregiving 24/7 you need weekends off and a week of every two months.
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In response to carebill, I know that following Doctor's advice is good, the point I was trying to make is that some Doctors do not realize what caregivers go thru, and I personally do not believe in running away from difficult situations.
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There are many wonderful nursing homes out there and she would get really good care. It takes a while to find a good one. She needs that care and you have really done all you can. Best of luck
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You are not being horrible for just needing some down time. This is a horrible job to do 24/7, I did it for 8 years and then began having panic and anxiety attacks. The stress was so bad I was hospitalized. I would say to pay for the respite care and give yourself some time away. Call your relatives and just ask if it would be possible for them to care for her one evening so you could relax. They may surprise you and say yes.

If you are seriously thinking about a nursing home, start looking now even before you are ready. We found out the hard way that there were no beds available for my mom. That was frightening knowing she had to be placed somewhere and there was nowhere available that accepted insurance.

Remember that if her money runs out you can apply for Medicaid to pay for the nursing home. Perhaps you should speak to an Elder Law Attorney and he could help with figuring out her finances and even help to apply for Medicaid.
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