My parents have lived independently in a retirement community for the last 12 years. As of March, 2024, they transitioned into personal care which means they no longer have the responsibilities of shopping, meal prep, laundry, cleaning, etc… It has been quite the adjustment. My father, who has always been somewhat difficult and explosive has had some run ins with other residents. My dad has dementia but has always had the behaviors my mom claims are due to dementia; forgetfulness, confusion, agitation, etc… These are not new behaviors. My mom has some physical limitations but mentally, she is still fairly sharp. They have and have always had a contentious relationship. Very unhealthy communication and have not shielded me from any of their toxic behaviors. They are both only children and not much family to speak of. My brother recently moved out of state approximately 2 years ago. I am the only family to visit my parents regularly. They live about 35 minutes from me. I stayed home to raise my own children for 21 years. Now my children are grown and I returned to teaching the same year my brother moved out of state.
I feel the weight of the responsibility of being the only family my parents have to check in on them, accompany them to doctors appointments or hospital stays, intervene when issues arise with my dad, and make sure they have somewhere to go for holidays.
My mom has gotten more nasty with me in the last three years. She wants to vent about my dad’s behavior and the toll it takes on her. I respond emotionally but not violently or aggressively. She claims that she needs to be able to talk to me but that I can’t react. I have to remain calm and relaxed because she is too fragile for my emotions. I told her I am not a robot and if that’s what she needs, I can’t be the one she talks to. I also told her she can’t vent to me about my dad because it’s not healthy for me. I spent many years growing up hearing how unbearable my dad’s behavior was and I didn’t know this was unhealthy for me to have to listen to. I’ve since learned how to have healthy boundaries and I refuse to be my mom’s support group or emotional dumping ground. That’s my dad and she’s my mom and I’d never do that to my own children. My mom tells me how she can’t talk to me but can talk to my brother. I think she says it to hurt me. My brother has not visited them since March and he has not contact with his own children. He and his wife (second wife who has no children of her own) are apparently too busy to visit. Meanwhile I have two adult children that I see regularly, a husband who travels internationally for work, a full time teaching job but it’s up to me to visit and intervene when needed. I feel like there is so much expected of me and I’m resenting how my brother (our relationship is strained and we don’t really communicate because I’ve reached out but it’s never reciprocated) has zero responsibility. When I point this out, my parents defend him and talk about how busy he and his wife are. He is an associate pastor and she does payroll for a hospital. We all have the same 24 hours and we all prioritize what we really care about.
My mom just hung up on me again tonight when I called to let them know about what I’m doing to better equip myself as their power of attorney. She got mad because once again, she wanted to tell me about my dad’s latest problem with another resident and the toll it has taken on her. I became upset ( no yelling but the volume of my voice did increase and my tone became more emotional). She told me she is too fragile for me to respond or react and she just needs to talk about it. I told her I am not a robot and I won’t yell or be disrespectful but I’m upset about what happened to my dad; he was not the instigator in this situation. She said she can talk to my brother but not me and I responded with it’s easy to not react when you don’t have to do anything about it because he does NOTHING other than listen.
Am I wrong???
My mother could not stand my father and wanted to use me as a sounding board for all of her angst, too. She'd say I was "never on her side" because she expected me to excoriate my father and I'd have none of it. These women just won't understand how inappropriate it is to put US in the middle of THEIR marital problems.
Step back from the mess like I did, or you'll wind up being the Bad Guy even more than usual.
Good luck to you.
Look up the "gray rock" method. Not sure if you can use it in your situation. Can you just tune her out? You are not responsible for Dads actions, nor can you fix them. The facility should be dealing with it.
Does this facility except Medicaid? Where I live ALs do after at least paying privately after 2 years, if they except Medicaid. You can have your parents assets split. Dads split going to his care and Moms going to her care. Once their splits are gone, you can file for Medicaid if this facility excepts it. Dad is going to worsen where he may need LTC and Medicaid will pay for that. Mom could stay were she is. I would talk to an Elder Lawyer to see what options you have. If Mom is elderly, having to deal with Dad is not good for her.
AARP may still have a service the provides volunteers to call and check on elders regularly just to talk and visit by phone. Sign up your mother and stop calling mom so often yourself. Pay someone to accompany parents to doctor appointments; they can report back to you so you’ll stay updated on what the health issues are. Find other ways to stop being so helpful. If mommy gets mad, let her. She isn’t entitled to ruin any part of your life.
Disengagement is healthy. More involvement is the worse thing you could do for yourself. You matter too.
Really?
IMHO that's a mistake.
Your mother and father are who they are. As you tell us, they were never anything else.
Your brother has made the right decision.
He has withdrawn himself from toxicity.
There is no right and wrong in a toxic relationship. There are two entities at war.
You now have a choice. Withdraw yourself from these two. IF they need more care then they are in the ideal situation to create that care by moving themselves into a situation where they will be accompanied to their appointments by strangers, who will have little interest in engaging in their toxic games. If not, oh well. They have already lived their lives.
Why are you allowing them to live YOURS.
The truth here is that you need expert help to make your own decisions.
Either you are going to choose to remain in this weary war that no one will ever win, or you will extricate yourself and devote yourself to those who DESERVE your commitment to themselves, the family you created and have obligation to.
Please seek help. Were it me I would be telling mom I am taking a 6 weeks vacation from them, and will reconnect after that time. If her attitude to me remained the same I would make that a lifelong commitment to avoid them. I would tell her that our relationship was not working for my life at present.
Do NOT get any of that online nonsense therapy. It's low cost and worth nothing. Get a good cognitive therapist or a licensed Social Worker in private practice as a counselor.
YOU ARE A GROWNUP.
This is your choice.
No one can make this choice for you, and no one should feel sorry for you if you choose to remain in the midst of a battle that makes no one happy and that cannot be won.
Right and wrong are not relevant to this situation. Your parents have limitations that preclude their being decent to you. That isn't going ever to change.
Please take care of yourself and of your own family and the work you love. Live a good and decent life. Take your parents lessons for the value they provide to you; they have modeled what you DO NOT WANT TO BE.
Good luck.
When my mom was ill, my brother rarely visited, if at all. When he did show up, you thought the gates of heaven opened. When I needed a break from visiting, my dad would let me have it.
FF to today, my cousins were always on me to visit aunt, stay with aunt. Do this, do that. I asked them had they been asking my brother to visit? No, they had not.
No, you are not being selfish. You deserve your own life and your time. Agree with others and that's to stop making yourself so available. You come first, as it should be.
You have a smart brother. He doesn't allow them to rope him into their drama.
As for residents not liking each other or getting into fights and arguments, this type of thing happens all the time in these facilities. Of course these places are not going to broadcast it, and if it is a good facility, they will handle it according to their protocol and procedures.
You mother is using you for a sounding board and a garbage dump. When she starts in on you, tell her to stop. Let her know you will no longer listen to her nonsense, and if her husband was so bad, she would have left him years ago.
The key to this is to stop being so available to them.
Focus on your life and your own family. People get old and many are miserable with their life's choices. In this case, it's their marriage.
The pattern you are describing is you are reactive. She is upset and is seeking to make YOU upset, either to discharge her own upset or some kind of misery loves company thing. Your mom is trying to get a rise out of you and it’s working. You can break the pattern, even though it was drilled into you probably before you could speak. (Therapy for you can also help!)
My mom dumped a lot on me about my dad and her unhappiness with their relationship — WAY more than I wanted to hear or was appropriate. This goes back to as far as when I was a teenager. Later when he was developing dementia, her complaints were constant, and understandable. I developed a technique that helps sometimes and I still use it today, because she complains about other stuff more now since he passed. To get through the moment, when she starts up I pretend she’s not my mom. Just some lady I ran into. I nod and say “hhmm” or “oh dear” and for the most part it just passes. I have found that giving her advice or suggestions was totally wearing me out and she rejected 99% of them so now I don’t bother.
Sometimes she will try to hook me in and say “what would YOU do?” Then I try to say I don’t know, sounds like your options might be X or Y.
In your case you could say has she tried asking the social worker or aides perhaps. Then just say it’s time for you to go or to hang up the phone. Assume she is going to bring up some emergency complaint every time. And prepare for how you are not going to get riled up about it. Then every time this happens and you don’t get riled up, give yourself a pat on the back. You changed the pattern! You didn’t take the bait!!
If you are truly concerned about your dad and his situation, I would ask the facility about options.
PS I also have a brother who is very little involved with my mom and he also has a history of pushing my buttons. I use the same technique with him. When he starts in I think “that’s odd” or “who knows why he thinks / said that. Not my problem to understand.”
As far as your brother, everyone has a choice on how much caregiving the will do. Your brother made his choice. I don't blame you, you are probably inside a bit jealous that he chose his caregiving path and you chose yours.
It's not fair that your mom is putting all her emotional stress on to you, and trying to turn you into her emotional support, if that's not where you want to be there is nothing wrong or selfish in that, it's cald Self-Care, NOT Selfishness
You put up your boundaries and your moms trying to manipulate you to break those boundaries, don't let her. Put your boundaries up , stick to them , and practice self-care
Let go of your anger towards your brother, it only hurts you, and practice self-care.
Best of luck
Mom has lots of options. She can divorce or legally separate assets. She can move out. She can arrange for aides or adult day care. But what she can’t do is make you listen to her refusal to do anything and her consequent misery.
Your parent’s patterns with each other are long established, and they’ve chosen to stay together. They like their toxic stew. Stay far out of it, don’t listen to another word about their relationship mess. They’re in a great environment, with help available for their increasing needs, many here are instantly jealous. Leave them to it. You don’t have to be so available. Do less, listen to less. See if their place provides transportation services. Take calls when it’s convenient for you. You will be called if there’s a true emergency. Practice self care, no one will guard your health and wellbeing for you if you don’t. I wish you peace