My husband and I are in our 40’s and we have 4 children. All are under 18 and the youngest 2 are Autistic. Now my husband has dropped the bomb on me that he wants his 75 year old mother to move in with us next month and he wants me to “help” him take care of her. He has already converted his office to a room for her even after I told him that I cant do this. My mother law and I get along fine but I would prefer if she stayed in her own home or went to an assisted living because Im caring for disabled children already and he frequently travels for work and im a stay at home mom. 2 of our children are completely non verbal and 1 is still in diapers because of the severity of his condition. It’s a lot. My husband clearly doesn’t care if it’s already overwhelming for me. He’s an only child and his mom never married and he said he feels obligated to take her in because she doesn’t have anybody else and she’s struggling financially. His mom is 300lbs and can barely walk. He said he is going to hire home health for her and it’s going to be ok but I still do not want this extra responsibility. I already have my hands full. He said I’m being unreasonable about this. It’s his mom and if he doesn’t want her in a facility, she’s not going. I just feel like this is very selfish of him to put this on me.
In 8 weeks, I was bedridden from the stress of it all.
Who on earth is going to take care of all of those people if YOU end up sinking?
My mother’s “facility” is like a hotel. Meals prepared. She gets to choose what she eats. Her studio apartment is cleaned at least once a week. There is a van to take those that want to, shopping, to the library, etc. She can have as many visitors as she wants to, daily. What in the world is not to like?
Say no, stamp your feet, scream and yell. Don’t give in.
Best of luck to all of you; may you all be blessed with peace, grace, love and joy.
Cultural stuff? Yes, I get that. Cultual background is about stories that are passed down, aphorisms that become cast in stone.
"We take care of our own"
"Nursing homes are for people whose children don't love them"
"The only people who play golf are people who don't love their wives."
"Sleepaway camp is for children whose parents don't love them".
So, which of those is true?
I was brought up on l all of those and no longer believe any of them. Families, situations and cultures change.
I love this response, Barb!
She didn't like my dad, she didn't like the food we ate, she HATED being in the suburbs where she had no one her age to talk to.
My mom was bound and determined never to have to live with any of us. We helped her find a nice Independent Living facility where she made friends, enjoyed activities and outings. She was able to get herself to the onsite doctor and to Mass. She was happy.
Of course your husband wants everyone to be happy. But his version of happy and his mom's may not be the same thing.
And even if she DID want to move in, his FIRST obligation is to his minor kids and wife.
I just want to comment on the "cultural" aspects of this situation. I highly recommend the book "Being Mortal" by Atul Gawande. We are all going to die. Most of us will be old for a while before that happens. How can we assure the best quality of life for our loved ones during that period? Gawande is an American doctor, with roots in India. He talks a lot about how things have changed ALL OVER THE WORLD, that impact realistic expectations of care for the elderly. For example, "We take care of our own," might have been the best we could come up with, whether it was good for everyone or not, but "we see that our own have the best care available" might be a better approach now.
It is a very insightful and compassionate look at aging and "what matters in the end."
Then bring in a geriatric care manager to your home now, ask for an assessment of your needs, the needs of your 2 children with autism, and the prospect of adding an elderly to this mix, who cannot help out and will need care. Maybe the geriatric care manager can put some sense into your husband.
This may cost $250 - $300 for the consult, but money well spent to save your sanity and household.
As I've mentioned before on here I am with a man of a different culture. I didn't buy into it when I first met my mate and I still don't. We can set limitations on ourselves by just bowing down to cultural expectations or decide we are individuals and can do and be what we want to be. That's what I did. I have no relationship with my in-laws and yeah it can make things complicated sometimes but I don't want to even think about the alternative.
My hubs parents are 91 and 85 years old and often say "We don't go into nursing homes in our country" It's getting complicated because they are both declining and my hubs and his sisters are going to need outside help very soon. They both drop everything and run over there at a moments notice but that won't be enough soon and the in-laws will eventually need a live in caregiver especially if they refuse to move into outside care.
I don't get involved. Does that make me selfish? No, it's called self-preservation.
I am not for or against NHs. Probably I categorise them as 'unfortunate necessities', along with parking metres. Just aren't enough parking spots in the city & just not enough family members to go around!
Two generations ago the women took care of the babes & elders at home. Now women are better educated & most are in paid work out of home, the babes in childcare. Elders are home alone... So woman have been freed from childcare & elder care to have careers instead 🤣 yeah??
The other big point is family size. 10 kid families reduced to 2 now. Those 10 that lived close by, married young with grands all helping out... This gen is now 2 or 3, many interstate. Maybe all elder care left on one.
H3ll, my daughter could 'inheirit' 3 Aunts without children + her parents + future in-laws!
Call it cultural, or just modern civilisation - the maths just don't work imho.
PS no matter what anyone thinks about who should etc if you CAN'T do it then you CAN'T do it.
What time is she going home tomorrow? Don't wait too long or else she will want to stay a 'few' more days which might turn into weeks...
Perhaps, take her out to breakfast, after that drop her off at her house before noon. It might be easier to get her out of your house to eat than get her out to go home.
MIL may indeed become quite addicted (& quickly!) to being waited on. Some people confuse servitude with love..
My relative seems to lose all ability when entering someone's else's home. Expects to be waited on. Almost like a baby trying out it's powers of making Momma jump when it cries... Even wants help in bathroom.. which is why I no longer assist.
Do not let that visit blowout. Drop MIL home asap.