I (30F) have been with my boyfriend (33M) for 7 years. We live together and in the same city as his parents who he has always been close with. His mom has Lewy Body dementia. His dad was the primary caregiver up until recently and they moved her into a memory care facility about a month ago. He has been (understandably) very upset by all of this and (he acknowledges) he copes with this by shutting down emotionally, not communicating, and drinking excessively. On top of that we are both looking for work right now- he was laid off 3 months ago and I am cobbling together gig jobs while applying for full time work after leaving my full time job. While stressed about finances I am managing to pay the bills and am working as hard as I can and am hopeful about the direction of my career.
He has only applied to 3 jobs and is angry when he doesn't hear back from them. He visits his mom about 4 times per week and is in near constant communication with his dad about her (who visits her about twice daily). We go on walks together and see friends but he largely spends his time gaming and watching tv. I want so badly to help him because I know he is struggling emotionally but I feel guilty because I feel like I'm not a priority and that our life as our own family (he has talked about marriage) is on an indefinite pause. I have brought up feeling unsupported but his response is always that his mom is dying (even though he says she might wind up living for years like this and there's no way of knowing) so he needs to prioritize his proximity (physically and I guess emotionally) to his parents. He doesn't ask me how I'm doing or how my job search is going, I do most of the cleaning, and he's at least 4+ beers deep and high every night. He has a wealthy family and a trust fund (polar opposite my situation) and readily accepts money from his parents. We don't share finances but he has talked about buying a house (we live in an area with a very high cost of living) and he knows that I want to travel eventually but he doesn't want to travel because of his mom. I am tired of the (unsafe and expensive) city we live in and if it wasn't for him I would have moved by now. He knows this and is open to moving but won't until both his parents die.
Recently his distant uncle died (they were not close) and he decided to go to the funeral across the country to 'represent the family' because his dad did not want to leave his mom for the weekend (even though she is in a facility). I fully support him going but started feeling sad because he has a very large extended family and I started thinking about how it seems like he will drop everything and do anything for them. He spends holidays with them and I am always invited but I'm starting to feel like a secondary attachment to his life and family. I brought up that I was a little upset that he booked tickets across the country to the funeral without telling me when he was planning on going and coming back or bringing it up with me. I would never stop him from going to a family funeral but it got me in a whole spiral...he was appalled when I brought it up and made me feel demonic because 'his mom is dying' and that he's being stretched thin emotionally. If his mom was in an extremely acute state I would understand him not applying for jobs/being emotionally distant but he has admitted he doesn't know how long this will go on for and that it could be years. I want to work and plan to have a life together- deciding how to spend holidays mutually, how we can live in an area we both enjoy, etc. which entails a lot of 'big conversations' including him drinking less for his health....part of me feels like a monster who is asking for too much given his mom, but part of me feels like it's not a huge ask for my boyfriend of 7 years to check in with me about how my day is going. I feel like a ghost.
Am I selfish and wanting too much? How can I approach these conversations going forward without hurting him more?
What have your family and friends’ perspectives been on this relationship over the entire 7 years ? They know both of you . It’s interesting that you would come here for perspectives. Has his family always been top priority , and now it’s just more obvious ? Has he always been excessively close to his parents ? A man-child ? Why 7 years and he’s still a “ boyfriend” ? Why have you not gone forward with plans of moving and starting your adult life together ? Do you think that will happen soon? Have you reached the point that you feel as if he’s getting a wife for the price of a girlfriend ?
Your perspective is the one that matters
My advice is to break up with him and move on and out of your shared living arrangement. You are worth more and better than he treats you.
My Ex? He hasn’t changed yet. 3 more women (2 wives and a girlfriend) have left him since then, and for the same reasons. Alcohol, Poor Me, and a million excuses.
How much longer are you going to put your soul on hold as you drown in his lowly acceptance of what life should be like? And how it’s not his fault.
You have to love yourself enough to get out of there and find your REAL happy. I know it sux and it can be complicated, but you don’t strike me as a person who would quit on herself or who is afraid of hard things. Heck, look what you are doing now? You are strong, and you just need a push to free you.
That’s why you came here.
You need to get out of there. Now.
Also, news flash… you don’t need someone to make your life good. It will be good. I promise!
Please take care of yourself.
P.S. You don’t need therapy. Your freedom will be your therapy. Also, we grow through experiences. You will be much stronger after this. Get going.
That you ask if you are 'selfish ... wanting too much?'
It tells me that you do not value yourself / have low self-esteem - you are allowing a 'partner' who is on a downward spiral to dictate your life, when he cannot handle his own life.
* I understand you have been together for seven years although I sense this hasn't been a HEALTHY relationship for YOU for some, if not most of that time, based on the info you share with us.
* You are emotionally and psychologically conflicted - likely knowing this is an unworkable relationship for you and yet wanting it to continue (why?) - you would benefit from counselnig / therapy, as he would.
* Clearly, he needs a professional therapist to deal with his feelings about his mother's decline, and his own life.
* You will NEVER be 'first' - his mother will be although - by his behavior, excessive drinking, 'getting mad' that job applications are not responded to - tells me that he doesn't have the emotional (or otherwise) maturity) to handle his own life. This is a very unhealthy environment for you to be in. It is a dysfunctional relationship.
- I sense that he is 'so adjusted' to how you relate to him, giving in ... being a doormat ... that he will / would likely respond in ANGER towards you if / when you stick up for yourself, set limits with what you will and will not tolerate. He doesn't have the ability to 're-adjust' to being in a healthy relationship - and this is in addition to his inability to understand/know how to handle his feelings about his mother.
You need to realize you are not valuing yourself and learn how to do that. You first need to recognize it and make a decision about this relationship - and how it is serving you - which (to me) appears to not be contributing to your well being.
At the VERY LEAST, 'insist' that he go to AA meetings. (He won't - and he'll respond in anger towards you). However, you need to take care of yourself. If I were you, I would leave - even if temporary - 3 months 6 months.
Move. You said you would (have) move if not for him. Do it.
You need to take responsibility for your own life. You have to believe you deserve to have a decent if not enjoyable life. I'm blunt - giving you 'tough love' as I want you to value yourself as a whole person and not just be a door mat for him.
Gena / Touch Matters
100%
As for conversations - decide what you want first and if its some form of commitment then know what you will do if that means no.
As for the drinking - he sounds like he needs counselling. Trying to block out
emotions and hide/run. Maybe his doctor can help there and if required extra help and depressants supplied to cope - that might be the answer.
Maybe thats the first call. Good luck.
The answer to your question - no, you're not expecting too much and you're not being selfish.
Your final question shouldn't even be asked. It doesn't matter whether your boyfriend is hurt or not. If he can't take the truth, then there's no avoiding him being hurt. If he's hurt just by you telling him that you want him to prioritise you and your relationship, while at the same time he's okay with not taking your feelings into account, then why are you with him?
Sorry, but his mum isn't actively dying; he isn't the caregiver or advocate - that's his dad; and most of us, here, are dealing with our parents' ill health, but we're not all heavy drinking freeloaders because of it. It's no excuse.
If this is how your bf reacts to illness, how would he deal with death? Is he really an equal partner? Would he be able to deal with life's ups and downs if you had children?
Be honest with yourself.
Before you take advice from the majority of the responders about how you should move on, leave him, kick him to curb, etc., consider a few things. You strike me as someone who loves her boyfriend and wants sounds advice for herself and the person she loves. So here's some advice that comes from experience as a son and husband.
My mother was diagnosed with Lewy Body Dementia when I was in my early 30's -- similar to what your boyfriend is going through. That's a very tough decade for a man without the emotional baggage of seeing your mother go through the challenges of this disease and feeling helpless. As a son, you want so badly to protect your mother from this disease, but you can't. It hurts so bad. He's hurting.
It's not an excuse to dismiss your feelings, ignore your needs, or treat you badly, but he most likely doesn't know how to deal wirh what he's feeling. For a while in the early stages, I didn't have the best attitude, was feeling down, was ignoring a lot of her needs, etc. Instead of "kicking me to the curb", my wife helped me BEFORE we got married, because that's what you do when you love someone. My wife helped schedule counseling for us (dealing with us as a couple and my emotions about my mother's diseases) and she encouraged me to participate in monthly support groups (Men Who Care and LBD Support groups). My wife is a Godsend, and I am so thankful for her. I love her more and more each day. I would NEVER cheat, leave, or hurt her. She is my everything. Fast forward 11 years later, we have a beautiful family and my mother is still doing okay with the care we provide her. Is it easy? No, but in the end, I'll have no regrets and I have my family by my side.
This is a defining moment in your life... he may be the one for you with a little professional help.
You'll can choose to move on, or choose you can stay a little while longer to see if you can influence and encourage him to receive help in the form of couples counseling and support groups.
If you haven't looked up support groups in your area yet, you can go to the Lewy Body Dementia Association website at:
www.LBDA.org
Your feelings matter. How you are treated matters. Don't settle, but think long and hard before you move forward. Talk to people you trust about what I just pointed out to you. You don't want to have any regrets years later on the decisions you made - whether staying or leaving.
Best wishes on making the right decision!
I wouldn't even bother with alanon--I would leave. Why waste more time on someone who has made it abundantly clear he doesn't want to change? And if he acts like this, and treats you like that now, it's only going to get worse as time goes on. Life is very short...you don't realize it until later in life, but it is.
Agreed that trust fund babies for the most part will not end up well...especially if they didn't have any of their own money to start with. I'm sure there are exceptions to the rule, but in my experience that is not the case. My ex husband inherited some money. I never was told how much, but I'm thinking it was only a few hundred thousand. He and his sister were close. My husband became an alcoholic, wanting to move residences every year or so. Finally, after trying to get him into rehab the second time, he asked for a divorce. I would have stuck it out with him, but ultimately was glad he was adament. We had been together for 10 years....I was 39 at the time of the divorce.
I ended up meeting my 2nd husband, and not only are we happy and content after 25 years, but we've paid off our house and have a good bit in retirement. My sister & I recently did inherit a little from my dad, but it has gone right into the bank, and we've continued our lives the way we always had...with an 02 and an 04 vehicle, and not making any big purchases.
My ex? I heard a couple of months ago he ultimately ended up being homeless for 10 years, then his sister found him, and he ultimately developed alcoholic related dementia and has been in a home for 10 years. I think he is 67 at this time. The sister? She was not an alcoholic, but she didn't make the best choices with money or relationships either. You really can't save people like this, even if you badly want to.
So the moral of the story is that quite often inherited money will ruin a person of weak character. You see he has weak character, so I'd leave now, while you still can find someone else. The older you get, the smaller the pool of people there are out there to select from, due to most of them being married, or obviously unsuitable. That may sound negative, but it's reality. Please leave now while you still have a chance to find someone nice.
If, I was you I would make it clear to this child, yes that is what called him, go to the doctor and make sure you are healthy, no depression or such, if not grow up and be a man, You can help with your parents, you can get a job, treat me like the woman you want to marry or I am hitting the road! You are setting your self up for a big fall. If you and his parents get along, great you can always check in and ask if anything is needed or whatever. That young man needs to grow up, I am hoping his parents didn't raise him like that. You sound as if you are making all the effort and that is sad. I am there, the only difference between you and I, is my wife is a floatation device for me and your boyfriend sounds like a cement block pulling you under.
Do you really not see the reality? Yes, you do.....you wrote it all out here. It's crystal clear.
I hope you kick him to the curb and call for a large pickup. For your future happiness.
Peace.
Do you really want to procreate with a male like this?
Do you really want to be the bread winner for the household?
Do you really want to be a persona non grata in your relationship?
He has shown you who and what he is, BELIEVE HIM.
Yes, his mom is going to die. But, EVERYONE'S mom is going to die.
So, if he is treating you poorly, and excessively drinking now, just think of how bad things would be if you were married.
The point is the parents would have gone on the cruise anyway.
The point is that this bf would have acted the same anyway, four beers a day or no. He reminds me of dh’s friend who won’t work a real job and had his drivers license taken away for past Support of a child now older than 18. Alcohol is not a factor in why he is like this. He barely drinks.
Same with the bf. He could stop with the beers tomorrow and would still be video gaming and doing much of nothing.
You are young, you should move on.
Do you want children?
Future motherhood can take more than hope & a boyfriend you love.
It can take planning. It can take some hard decisions on sizing up each boyfriend to see if he is Husband & Father material.
It can mean doing this before time runs out.
Hope & patience is not enough.
I have a girlfriend that let hope rule. Hope the boyfriend would grow, change, want what she did eg a good job, marriage, kids.
He eventually did.. when she was over 40. They split & he has children with his new (younger) wife. She does not.
The reason he is not hired is that employers are rarely inexperienced enough to hire an angry man who drinks his days away.
You are trying too hard. If you rescue an angry man, you will have to do it again, over and over.
I wonder what advice you would give to a 23 y.o. young woman who moved in with her boyfriend 7 years ago.
It could not have been that different back then.
You must find a way to escape. It won't be easy while you are in denial.
He is an alcoholic.
You cannot fix this.
The fact that you are doubting yourself on so many levels indicates that this is a toxic relationship, with addiction and narcissism. The reason you don't see this is because of the FOG.
Fear, Obligation, Guilt.
Just break yourself free! Stop talking.
You don't come first with him now, and it's unlikely that you ever will. Worst of all, you are blaming yourself for what HE is doing to you, such as you feel "demonic" and "like a monster who is asking for too much" and "selfish" and worried about "hurting him" when he is actually the one doing the hurting, and he is doing it to you.
"Drinking less for his health" is a great idea, but it's unlikely because he is an ADDICT. That means he can't simply throw out the bottle and proceed with a happy life. An addict will crave it, he will throw away everything beautiful and meaningful in his life to get it, he will spend every last dollar on booze or whatever else he needs to serve his addiction. Unfortunately, I've had way too much experience with way too many addicts, so even if my statements seem extreme to you, they are what you can expect.
I'm so sorry, but he's not the one for you. I wish you luck in finding a more suitable mate who loves you above all else. It is possible!
I agree with JoAnn29 - the majority of us on this forum are over 60 but we've paid our dues and recognize that there are some constants in living life that are as immutable as gravity.
You're in the process of finding your own way in life and that's HARD. You're ambivalent about your current boyfriend and you're clinging to a state of denial because there will be a lot of heavy lifting to extricate yourself from your current situation. And you know in your soul that this relationship has to end. The question is how much more harm will come to you if you delay the inevitable?
7 years is long enough to assess a relationship - you already know that your future with this guy could literally ruin your life in so many different ways. I can't see any possibility how things could work out well with this guy - no matter how much you hope and want him to see the light and participate in a mutually respectful, loving, supportive, adult relationship. It's not gonna happen. No amount of talking with him is going to help change things.
Extricating yourself from this relationship and all your hopes and dreams about him will be HARD - but essential to do. Yeah, you're going to grieve for your dreams as you walk away.
The keys for your future:
-Recognize and accept that this relationship has no future. -Don't bother discussing much more with him, he won't really hear you..
-Get a fulltime job hopefully doing something that gives you some joy and pays enough for you to support yourself.
-Give yourself access to support via Al-Anon, a therapist, anti anxiety or depression meds for the short term, use this forum, whatever helps you gain strength to help guide yourself forward.
-Sometimes finding healthy relationships is an evolutionary process....begin to recognize what a healthy, mutually loving, and stable relationship feels like. Be ready to jettison relationships that don't have these ingredients .
-Be kind to yourself.
-Believe in your right to have a good life and make it happen - slowly and carefully - don't be impulsive.
So go and reclaim a good future for yourself.