My mom is 83 years old and has several health problems managed with medication. She doesn’t drive anymore. She does cook, clean, do laundry and play bingo. Recently her dr has mentioned some further testing to her and she refuses to have anything else done. She says she’s been through enough. This is breaking my heart. I’ve tried to talk her into it and she is adamant she’s not doing it. I feel like I’m failing as a daughter. I have severe anxiety that if I leave (I live next door) she will need me and I won’t be here. When I am at work I’m constantly worrying. If I go out with my husband, it’s constant worry.
Your mother has every right to stop with all the 'further testing' her doctor wants to do, and to live the rest of her life as she sees fit. How are YOU 'failing as a daughter' by HER making such a decision? Stop thinking emotionally and start thinking logically, with your brain instead of your heart. Your mother is making a logical decision here which has nothing to do with you as a daughter. Consider yourself fortunate to have a mother with a head on her shoulders! So many of us here have been saddled with parents who want every single medical intervention taken on their behalf, no matter what cost to US it winds up taking, so their lives can be extended to 100+!! No matter how sick they are with terminal cancer or end stage liver disease, or in your mother's case, heart and lung disease which probably cannot be 'fixed'. In this case, your mother wants to live the rest of her life in peace w/o going to 100 doctors and being poked and prodded and tortured in the process! For that I give her a ton of credit and have the utmost respect for her. You should too. Living with dignity is better than dying with feeding tubes and ventilators any day, the way I see it.
Stop looking at this from your perspective and start looking at it from your mother's instead. What she needs is your support rather than your insistence she do things your way. How is she to feel if she sees you riddled with extreme anxiety all the time over her choices in life?
If you can't stop constantly worrying and feeling anxiety over your mother's health choices, see your doctor for a full medical work up. There are anti anxiety medications that can be prescribed that may help you see things more clearly. Nobody should have to live with severe anxiety to the point they can't work or go out with their husband for worrying.
Best of luck living your life anxiety free & allowing your mom to live hers in the way she sees fit to.
It isn't.
If I were you, I would get therapy to help you cope, your issues are extreme.
She seems ok, it is you that has the problem, please get the help you need as someday she will die, and I hate to think where you will go emotionally when that happens.
You are NOT failing! Don't bring it up anymore. If she does not have dementia, let her make her decision and respect it. Accept that it's OK to decline at 83 years old, if that's what she chooses. You've talked to her so you've done your part. Try to calm down and allow her her right to not seek more care. Please find a way to stop your severe worrying. It's not good for you!
Your anxiety is more about your fear of her dying than of her own.
It’s not your job to overrule your mother or dictate what she should want, even if her decision is breaking your heart. It’s not your job to deny dying is a reality that, for some reason, we don’t include in living.
Goldie Hawn once said, “ today is the youngest I’ll ever be.” Please don’t sacrifice what is your mother’s best days to anger, discord and anxiety.
Would any tests tell more than what she knows already? Or are they looking for a "new" problem.
If she needs you I am sure you can be reached by phone.
And if it is an emergency you would do what she should do and call 911. If that happens you can meat her at the hospital. (actually she would probably get seen sooner if brought in by EMS rather than you.)
You do what you can for her, and it sounds like she does well for herself.
Let her live the rest of her life the way she wants. I am sure she is envisioning laying in a hospital and that is not how she wants things to go.
You ask if you are doing all you can...the answer is yes but pushing your mom for testing that she does not want is over stepping.
If it would help you talk to your doctor about your anxiety. If it is consuming your life that way it is not healthy for you.
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