I am about to get married and am very happy about this. My fiance and I live with his Mother who has Alzheimer's with Dementia stage 3. Because of my fiance's work schedule and routine health needs, I am home much of the time with my Mother In Law. It is not always easy because I have had to decrease my work hours to accomodate being home with her. Also, she has gotten in my face numerous times and even grabbed me in order to try and take things out of my hands, especially keys for my car. At times I don't want to be around her because of this however, I know that I am responsible for her. This sickens me in a way, because I feel forced. I want to to marry my fiance; but, I don't like feeling tied down with caring for her and not being able to do things for myself. So, I am getting to my point. Because of his health situation, there is the possibility that he might not be around in the long run. I hate to accept this and acknowledge this! But, I have to face reality. In the event something happens to him, he has told me that my Mother In Law would be with me and I would take care of her. I am having a hard time grasping this and haven't said anything to my husband. I do love her and definitely want to make sure she is cared for. Although I do not have a well paying job and can't even afford to pay for household bills. Any advice is appreciated.
Thank you!
As to legality, you are never responsible for caring for an elder legally, and if you were made responsible you can always resign legally from those duties. Sometimes not without ease, but you can do it. If, say he has a trust leaving all his funds to his mother for her care and you as Trustee, you would have a choice upon his death to resign that designation. So no, you are never legally responsible for her, you could leave on his death. Other family or court appointed guardian would act on her behalf.
I will say only that if you are unhappy BEFORE the marriage with the overall situation I think you will be amazed at how much worse it is AFTER, as there will be many assumptions made about your having CHOSEN this. And ultimately this is your choice for your life. I wish you the very best of luck moving forward.
Yours is probably an irrevocable trust. A revocable trust can be changed. Just an FYI.
Crushedlove, when are you guys getting married? Is there any particular reason that you have not already been married? Obviously none of us can know what your relationship is, we can only share from personal experience and beliefs. You must follow your desires and I think most of us want you to really look at this situation from all angles to ensure that you are not being used or set up to be crushed because you didn't see something coming. I get that you love and trust this man, good foundational start.
Can I recommend that you do some serious research on prenuptial agreements, there are some issues with them that are not generally known and could truly set people up for big surprises.
you are walking into a VERY BAD deal for yourself. Do at least the legal work to be sure you are protected to whatever degree you can. Remember...Mom can probably change the trust to exclude you any time she wants to.
I fear for your future...even more now that you are so obviously entering into this with ignorance of the impact on your future.
Yes I need a lawyer to learn the details. I will be named in any trust. I trust my fiancé!! Because you are an outsider I understand what you are saying; but, you don’t know the kind of relationship that my fiancé and I have.
You are 50. You are in your peak earning years. How many quarters of Social Security have you got? Have you calculated your PIA for ages 62 and for FRA? Do you qualify for SS (many teachers do not). What is your pension estimated to be?
Why are you cutting back on your hours at work if MIL has the funds to pay for care?
A trust that takes effect in 5 years? Why then? What if he dies tomorrow?
The trust will allow you and MIL to stay in the house? How will you pay for upkeep, utilities, food, and your current healthcare and future Medicare premiums?
Why are YOU paying for household bills?
I don't need the answers to these questions. But, my dear, YOU surely do.
By the way... doing a prenup is my idea... I think figuring everything out now is better than being left with helplessness.
In reality, we've given you the same advice we'd give our daughters, our sisters, our friends or our loved ones who were struggling to make the decisions you're trying to make. We don't want to see you homeless or penniless or stuck alone caring for a demented old woman who tries to stab you one night.
That's what we do here...we look out for each other, regardless if it annoys someone to hear advice they weren't looking for.
Be smart, take care, and keep your eyes wide open my friend. In the end, only you have to live with the choices you make in life, as we all do. Best of luck!
I don't know how old you are, but it seems to me that YOUR priority should be to get a better education and then a better job. I might be dead wrong here but it seems to me you're in the situation you're in because he can provide a roof over your head and support you because you can't do it yourself. HIS priority is to get a free full time caregiver/servant for his mother for the rest of her life.
If he truly loves and cares about you, he'll make sure you will be taken cared of after he dies, not just let you clear out the clutter after 4 years of asking.
Since you don't have a good paying job now, ten years down the road or whenever you're done taking care of MIL, you will not have any marketable skills, thus no job and no money, maybe no place to live too.
Unless the prenup stipulates that you will be financially taken care of for life, that prenup isn't worth the paper it's written on.
Everyone here is trying to shake you and make you see the danger of your situation, but you seem to be stuck on 'love.'
First living with her is not a good idea. The way I look at this, your a free Caregiver. I would think twice about marriage when he says you will continue to care for her when he is gone.
So my answer, is NO, you are not responsible for a MIL. She will continue to decline, to the point you will have to do everything for her. Toileting was the worse for me. It sounds like he may never consider LTC for her.
I, also, would not be responsible for anyone that I didn't have full POA for, At this point, I doubt if she could or would assign u as secondary. So, ur hands would be tied if he passes and you have no rights.
You may want to explain to him that if he passes you will not be financially able to care for Mom. And it will take more out of you physically to care for her as the desease gets worse. And you will have no say in her care.
On what basis is he "telling" you this?
Are you going to become her guardian? Do you do everything he tells you to?
This sounds like a very one-sided relationship, one in which you are getting the short end of the stick.
A pre-nup? Will he agree to a pre-nup that stipulates that you will not do hands on, live-in care for his mother if he pre-deceases her?
I think you should seek counseling to work this issue through before you marry.
My fiancé and I have discussed a prenup and he agrees that we should look in to it.
Thank you for your input.
But as well as sorting out the practical side of your marriage, you and he together need to attend to a practical care plan for your MIL. Keeping her at home as part of your household for as long as possible may well be part of that, but it mustn't all fall on you and at the moment it is all on you. He seems to be thinking that you are the care plan. No. Not good enough.
Have you had a look around at what care options are available locally? Support services, respite breaks, continuing care and memory care facilities?
My point is that I do have his support in some things. BUT... yes, I still feel tied down. At this time I am going to insist on a prenup and speaking with a lawyer.
Good you plan on seeing an elder law attorney.
Now, If he does die, does he have a large life insurance policy to pay the bills? Because even if with all your heart you love her & want to care for her, you’re still going to need money for the things you need/want.
I’m sorry & I hate to sound rude, but this doesn’t sound like a healthy, happy romance. Never marry thinking/hoping a situation/someone will improve. If you were my daughter/sister/friend, I would be begging you with tears in my eyes to break this off.
I can see why he wants to marry you. I am having a little trouble understanding how this relationship is improving your life.
If it's going to be "because I love him and I know he loves me" then that is lovely and romantic. And you can move out and return to your full-time work and enjoy allowing your relationship with him to develop at its own pace. Meanwhile, he can make proper plans for his mother's care that do not rely on the continuing good health, goodwill and willing self-sacrifice of another person.
At the moment, he has acquired a live-in nurse who will also be his mother's future security should anything happen to him. The sacrifices you are having to make towards this are compensated... how? How is he making up for your lost earnings? What's happening to your pension and your security?
I am all for love and marriage and for people caring for people. But don't be a sucker.
Answered Aug 2, 2018
Screaming not acceptable. I feel like a monster - like I'm losing it. How do you cope?
I completely understand how you feel. It is best to turn around and walk away (easy to say; but, the best) My Mother in Law can be insulting and a bully. As a teacher, I have a great deal of patience; however, when she is sassing me and getting in my face I feel my blood pressure spike and I feel like I want yell. It takes a lot for me to be calm long enough to make sure I am safely away from her. When alone I feel like trembling jelly and want to just leave, never come back. I do love her and feel guilty when I feel myself losing my patience- which is my key to walk away. On one side I know this isn’t who she really is. But when someone is in my face and giving me a, sincerely, evil grin after trying to lock me outside or is grabbing my foot to get me to leave the house; I feel all my defenses brim over. I hope you are able to get some respite. It does help!! Best wishes!! Take care.
You NEED your job for your own future security. Your job provides you the ability to prepare for the years when you will be elderly. It provides an escape from the daily frustration of caring for MIL. It provides you the opportunity to build on a young person's character and experiences. What would you do without it?
You are already at your wits end with her and your fiance has made his expectations crystal clear. He has no plan to ever put her in a care facility and if you can't continue as is you should reconsider marrying this male and his mom.
Listen to the inner voice that lead you to post your question in this forum. I have a hunch the voice is giving you a big warning.
These are just a small sample of thousands of threads:
New caregiver here, any tips for dealing with a combative dementia patient?
What solutions are available for urinary and bowel incontinence, other than wearing a diaper which chafes if worn all the time?
Should I try to fly my 88-year-old incontinent mother cross country to attend her brother’s funeral?
Part of me can't wait for the day she stops initiating conversations...
How do I separate myself from my mother and have my own life?
Feeling hopeless. I don’t know what to do or think anymore.
Please take the time to look around the forum and see as many posts as you possibly can because that will most likely be your future.
You will find that most people are so burned out taking care of dementia/Alz patients in their homes because they will have NO life. You will have no time for yourself, no time to be a wife. If/when you have children, what will you do?
Then think long and hard about whether you want to become your future MIL 24/7 caregiver for the next decade or more, that is if your marriage even withstands the stress of caring for a demented person who doesn't like you.
I wish you the best of luck.
If you were my sister, I would beg you to step back and take a hard look at how this will likely play out. Then, as @lealonnie1 has advised, run away. Better to stay single...
first, quitting your job is a big mistake. Your own future depends on you own career and earning potential...also your own retirement. Please do not just throw that away.
you admit that your future husband has health issues and might not be around for long.....why are you marrying him? Sorry to say this and it might sound rather blunt but it sounds like he is marrying to get a unpaid nursemaid for Mom and set up himself for the same as it may be necessary for him too. Plus...are you really going to try to be sole caregiver AND wage earner for this dysfunctional setup?
if I were you..I would back out of the marriage for now. Insist he get full time PAID help for his mother and you go get a job. Build your future for yourself instead of sacrificing it to them.