My husband and I are in our late 40’s. We have 2 minor children. My mother in law is 77 and has lived with us for almost 2 years now after a catastrophic illness which left her bed bound and incontinent. It’s been hard but we have managed to make it work but she will be going to a facility in a few months. We cannot continue to look after her and we have our own family.
My biggest problem right now is her siblings. They think they can come over anytime they want to. I finally put my foot down recently and told them I prefer them not to visit when we are having a full day of medical personnel in our home. It’s just too much. Her sister got all bent out of shape about it and accused me of trying to keep her sister away from her. Which is ridiculous. She doesn’t visit but once a week but it’s always on a day when we have a bunch of stuff going on. For months I would just accept it when she would show up knowing we had a full house. I would tell her in advance, hey we have a bunch of people here can you come later or tomorrow? She would always say she’s coming anyways. Which is really irritating because I told her it’s not a good time. This is my home too. Not just her nephew’s home. I’m sacrificing my time and my energy taking care of her sister while she gets to do whatever she wants to do.
QUIET PLEASE, MOTHER IS SLEEPING.
VISITING HOURS are on TUESDAY between 2:00 and 4:00 p.m.
Lock the door and do not answer if she knocks, which she shouldn’t if she’s a nice person. Fat chance, right?
People do that all the time when there is a new baby in the house. It is not offensive, especially if your aunt was warned ahead of time.
So sorry your going through this, you have enough on your plate than having to deal with her!
Or, if you want to throw down the gauntlet this late in the game with the visiting relatives, you tell them that they must call first if they want to visit and if you say no and they come anyway, they will not be let in. Let them get bent out of shape. These people are nothing to you. It's an aunt by marriage. You're placing your MIL anyway.
You are well within your right as primary caregiver to set boundaries and establish rules that make it convenient for you to do what you need to do.
She / they can visit all she wants when her/their sister is moved to a facility that will care for her.
No one has yet issued me a "Be Rude and Get Out of Jail Free" card yet.
I understand that there must be a lot of terrific depression to be so debilitated.
While you remain as caregiver you have a right to decide when visits are convenient for you, and you should be consulted about planned visits the day before at the least.
It is time to write the siblings a nicely worded kind note: Short and sweet.
Something to this effect:
"Dear Irma, Ruth and Edna:
I so appreciate your loving support of you Sister Iris at this time. She has been through so much, as has all the family who must stand witness to her ordeal.
I have to tell you that while I love having you visit her, and so does she, you must let us know at least 24 hours in advance of any visits so that we can insure we are ready, that there isn't any therapy or appointments and that it's convenient for this large and sometime chaotic household.
Please leave a simple text. I will be back to you to OK your planned visit; and certainly feel free to cancel if you must.
I appreciate you help in this."
Certainly they may try to ignore this and show up. If they do, a simple "Oh, Edna, I am SO sorry. I can't allow you in just now. I hope you can text next time before a visit as I asked."
No WHYS and no DISCUSSION. No discussion on the phone. Just you "don't have time; so sorry."
Keep your tone gentle.
They really cannot work with "gentle". They expect, thrive upon and can USE anger.
GOOD LUCK.
Looks like with placement this is somewhat self-limited? I mean will be off sooner than later?
I am 75 and that gives me no entitlement. I am not that old to understand that Tuesday is a bad day to visit. You husband, like mine, is wishy washy. When he does nothing, than you need to do it. No vistors on Tuesdays, period. Tell her all the other siblings comply, she needs to, too.
I was so glad that my Fraternal Aunt passed before Moms Dementia really set in. No Mom was not her sister but I am sure she would have had a lot to say about my care of Mom.
If that doesn't work, go for the lockable screen door!
The siblings are ridiculous . It is your home .
Enforce that boundary . Tell them “ I’m sorry but that does not work for us “. and then tell them when it does work for you .
Maybe you could give them a couple of days to choose from ( with a preset window of time). Example . Monday OR Tuesday from 2-4 works .
Don’t let her in any other time.
No of course you are not 'wrong'. It's putting you in your place as 'not really family'. This is a power trip for her, not a visit for her sister. She is the one who is being rude.
You did set a boundary and the Aunt ignored it. Now your husband needs to re-inform her and stop her at the front door if she continues to ignore it. She can be told politely, with a smile (which always throws people off). Lock your door on that day. Make sure she is told in email or text so that she can't say you didn't tell her or she didn't remember being told.
Regardless of who informs the other of boundaries, it is your house, your Mom is privileged to be there getting TLC and your family has a life that you get to control.
It's your house, your rules. If other family members don't like it tough sh*t.
So next time someone comes after you said no, now is not a good time, you just don't let them in and tell them they'll have to come back when it's more convenient for you.
And just FYI....you may think that you've been setting "boundaries" but you've not been sticking to those boundaries. So toughen up girlfriend, and say what you mean and mean what you say.
Keep moving forward with getting mil in a facility, so you can have your family back!!