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My 94-year old mom is in AL and has had a DNR order for the past 4 years, obtained when her mental faculties were sharper and she knew what the DNR was and its purpose. She always refused to wear her bracelet, so it was placed in her purse so it would be available if she left the facility for an outing with family or facility sponsored event. Recently I checked the purse for her, it was missing, and I found it in her jewelry tray. I told her it is her ID bracelet and she should wear it all the time, just like she wears her wedding ring. Ever since, she has been wearing it all the time.


Another family member thinks this is wrong because I am not being fully honest with her about the bracelet and its purpose. My opinion is that, given her current situation, she would not comprehend, and calling it an ID bracelet is something simple that she understands and can relate to. Am I wrong here?

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Absolutely not. Your mom lacks the capacity to understand what it is, wearing it will allow her wishes to be followed in the event of a collapse. I think it's great that you've found a way for her to wear it :)
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If you were being "fully honest" with her, you would have to explain that modern medicine is a scene of madness, and the bracelet is there to protect her from doctors who know full well that they shouldn't be trying to resuscitate 94-year olds, that the outcomes at this age are *terrible*, but will do it anyway if she doesn't have the bracelet to protect her. 

You'd probably also have to explain that, in an earlier era, many people were genuinely cared for at the end of life and not treated as a sack of parts to be hooked up to this or that machine. But medicine organized itself into a "profession" (originally based on expertise in the application of leeches), vanquished the healers, hoarded control of palliative medicines, and here we are.

Sorry for the hyperbole. Really, though, there is no "honest" explanation that she'd be able to understand now. And saying something like "this bracelet stops doctors from restarting your heart and saving you" actually *isn't* honest. It's one of those partial truths that is, in effect, an appalling lie.

Your mom is lucky to have you.
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Beatty Jun 2023
Interesting thoughts.
Maybe we should all be wearing bracelets with DNH : Do No Harm.
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My dh had a liver transplant and a pacemaker inserted....he wears an ID bracelet stating the same. Which does not "replace" his medical records but adds TO THE info immediately available to EMS crews and medical personnel who may come in contact with him so they are aware. It IS an ID bracelet and I don't see where deception of any sort is involved here.

I would've moved heaven and earth to PREVENT my mother who suffered from advanced dementia from being resuscitated had the occasion arisen. Just saying.
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Using traditional techniques with dementia is senseless. We have to adapt to THEIR world of normal rather than insist they adapt to our norms. When your family member takes over your mom's care, that's when she gets a say about the bracelet. In the meantime, you're in charge.
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I say good for you for coming up with a creative solution to get her to wear the bracelet.
Who cares what the other family member thinks? If mom and you are happy with it, that is all that matters.
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NeedHelpWithMom Jun 2023
Yep!
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Ignore the family member..
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Wearing the bracelet prevents the broken ribs and other unavoidable injuries and complications caused by CPR and other “heroic measures” that are no longer appropriate or helpful now. Your mother arranged for a DNR on purpose and now you are simply helping it be abided by.

Best wishes to you and your mom.
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So, this story reminds me of when I was younger and raising my first child. She loved going to the playground. I enjoyed taking her but I was becoming frustrated with her not wanting to put on her seat belt.

Never in a million years would I have left my home without her being safely buckled up.

She continued to fuss about buckling up and I had the thought of telling her that the car didn’t move until she was buckled up. Was I lying? Nope, because I wouldn’t have dared to drive to the playground without her being safe.

My dad would sometimes go with us to the playground. One day, he wasn’t buckling up. My daughter shouted from the backseat, “Grandpa, hurry up and buckle up. Mom’s car won’t move until we are all buckled. I want to go to the playground!” My dad looked at me slyly and whispered to me, “Is that what you told her? Wow! That’s smart.”
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You aren’t wrong. It’s a great idea.
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Let me just add this since I see a lot of of people tiptoeing around the topic of white or therapeutic lies. YMMV. People are different. There is no one set way to handle LO.

I have spoken about this at length with my friend who is a hospice doctor, with my therapist, and with other professionals about lying to people with dementia, ALZ and the like.

They ALL said it’s perfectly fine and morally justifiable. LOs don’t have reasoning skills anymore and have lost cognitive abilities. You tell them whatever you need to tell them that settles their mind and allows them to let that topic go or that changes their fixation or focus to something nicer and where you can redirect her.

TBH, if something did happen and a first responder found her, they’re is still (my guess) like a 50/50 chance they are going to do interventions until they see the paperwork or whatnot. This is in no way condemning your mother to death etc.

It is somewhat of an ID bracelet and it more or less really only serves as a heads up to the hospital when she gets there that she might have a legal DNR. Ok. Gotta run
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