Angry at having to care for my mother, even in nursing home... is this normal?

Your resentment is normal!

Why do you have to go to the nursing home every day? Is it out of Fear of making your mother angry, a feeling of Obligation, or you will feel Guilty if you don't? Sounds like emotional blackmail at work to me and it has you lost in some deep F.O.G. Your mother is narcissistic and her personality can't be fixed or controlled. You didn't make her this way, but you can chose a healthier path for yourself by setting boundaries and sticking to them.

From what I've read of other posts of yours on other threads, it is harming your life, your family and you. That is not fair to you or to them.

Cmag, it is out of moral obligation. She is miserable. I have to take her to radiation therapy for the next 2.5 weeks. She does not live up here, she lives 2 hours away. Came here to get out of power outtages and I wound up.having her hospitalized because she appeared very ill. I was correct and that was July 6.
She is bored out of her mind and highly demanding. I am used to appeasing her and everyone else. I am a people pleaser, but have been working hard on taking back MY power.
It would be worse if she was in my house. Yes she is incredibly narcisisstic. She does not have a clue.
I am trying hard to balance my life.

Wow, a four hour round trip every day, plus the time you actually spend there! That's a lot of time, energy, and expense plus wear and tear on the car! I guess you come home everyday drained after being with your mom? No wonder you feel angry. What impact is this having on your marriage and family?

I understand the battle about people pleasing for my mother raised me to please her and please others but not focus on pleasing myself. It is part of the reason that I'm on disability.

I'm glad to hear that you are working hard to take back your power and that is hard work after years of "training" to the contrary.

I think your moral obligation is that she is safe and cared for which your mother is. If she resents you having a life and a family, then those are her feelings, not yours to deal with. Try not to absorb her emotions into yours. I know it is tough, but some degree of loving with detachment is needed for your own self protection. There are several threads here about narcissism and I think one of them is about having a narcissistic parent.

Here's a link to the threads here on having a narcissistic parent.

https://www.agingcare.com/search.aspx?searchterm=narcissistic+parent

My heart goes out to you and understand your dilemma. As stated above, loving with detachment is needed for you and your family. Unfortunately, we cannot be all things to all people. And when the parent is difficult and narcissistic; it is all the more stressful. Narcissistic people know what they are doing; so if you can try to let go - it will help you. You are a wonderful daughter and doing so much.

I had dealt with the 4 hour commute previously - and this is draining in so many ways. I can relate to the people pleasing as well. Think it is too much for you to go every day - somethings got to give and it can't be you. Just taking care of her medical visits is enough as it is. You are only one person and your plate is full. Hugs across the miles and blessings to you.

(((((((alex))))))) -are you sayng that you have to take her for daily chemo treatments for the next 2.5 weeks?
If so, is there other transportation that could be arranged on some of those days? This is very hard on your and your family.
My mother is borderline personality disorder, narcissistic and very demanding too, but I have learned - out of the necessity of looking after myself - to say no to her, to ignore many things, and to detach from the resulting anger.and criticism. As you probably realise, you will never please her, and you cannot make her happy Nor can you take away from the pain of her situation. Having cancer is nasty, and any one who gets it has to deal with that, and I am sure it is very difficult - but no one can do it for us or take away the anxiety, sense of loss or physical discomforts.
Boundaries are needed when dealing with this kind of person. Yes, anger is normal. You are being expected, by your mother, to do too much, and you are expecting yourself to do too much. Can you cut yourself some slack, and attend to your own needs and those of your children? Your needs and your children's needs are at least as important as your mother's needs - even if she has a terminal illness.

You say you have to go every day. Apart from the transportation to chemo -why do you have to go every day? Because she gets mad if you don't? My mother is 5 hrs drive away, and I go when I can, which is n ot as often as she would like. She is 100, and in an ALF and well cared for there, even if she complains all the time. It is several months since I last saw her though we are in communication pretty well daily.
If you need permission not to go every day, I will give it to you. My daughter has two children and lives a few blocks away, but I have never expected that kind of thing from her, nor would I even if I were ill. She has her own life to live and her own respoonsibilities.. We do not see one another daily - but when it suits both of us. She has helped me a few times and I have done the same for her and her family.
Try to achieve a betterr balance in your life, but don't expect your mother to like it. That you are getting resentful says to me that you are being used - that is no good for you, or for your mum either. It is enabling unhealthy behaviour in her.
Good luck in establishing some boundaries. (((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))

Alexandra, I have my 93y.o. mom in a nursing home too - been there since July 2011 - no real dementia to speak of, some memory loss but due to illness she entered a "rehab ctr" She refused to bathe while living alone at home after dad died - she even stopped bathing I think before he died in 2009 - but yes I'm frustrated, angry, scared, but more importantly I love her with all my heart! But I also feel extremely guilty that she's there! Mom would like to see me three times a week, of course if she saw me daily she'd love it - but I can't see her every day - it IS exhausting!!! Please talk to me by e-mail if you want - I thought I was the only one with these feelings about having my mom in a nursing home - I'm her only child.

I apologize for the misunderstanding on the time. I do NOT travel 4 hours a day to see here. Her home is 2.5 hours away, the nursing facility I have her in is a 2 minute car ride.

I'm not the only child..(two other siblings) and I too feel guilty if I don't go see/check on mom at least every 3 days. Now she is in another NH that is almost 20 miles from me one way. Other siblings have never been to visit or call or care about her at all in the past 6 years. It has always been left up to me as the middle child...i think there is something about the "middle" child that makes us such people pleasers. Mom is also narcissistic and negative....was like that when we were little kids too. But since I was dx with PTSD and Panic Disorder two years ago and no income as of August, I can't go see her as often as she would like. I'm the only person she still recognizes..she's in last stage. Each time I do go visit her, she is always WET with urine..socks soaking wet and shoes as well. I go clean her up as soon as I get there which takes a LOT out of me. She is SO hard to handle. I tell the NH ppl that "I cleaned up mom again as soon as I got here" each time but it's still the same the next time. At first, I got mad because it's THEIR job to do that, not mine. But...they just don't pay any attention to her. I even thought about moving her back in with me due to their neglect of her but after bringing her home with me for 2 days (just a trial run to see if I could take it), I realized that I can NOT take her to live with me anymore. My health and sanity are more important to me. She has had a long life...is 76 now and only worked 14 years of her life. I've worked for 40 years and have taken care of her for almost 25..while she was living on her own or with me or in NH. I don't feel so bad now about not being able to go there and visit/check on her/clean her up when I can afford gas. She will finish her life there. I'm used up.

I used to see my mom every day too but had to stop. I was losing it. It was affecting my health and well being. My whole family was affected. I was resentful that they did not want to help take the burden off me after saying they would take turns visiting. I think I was angry about the illness and the fact that my great life was now in turmoil. I am still angry as my mom is near the end of her life. It is a hard reality that no one wants to face. Stop beating yourself up about it. Visit on your terms and leave feeling good about it. That is the only way it will work. I had a great relationship with my mom. I miss her terribly. She does not know me but there is still something there when I stroke her hair or face. I want to blame somebody but there isn't anyone. It is what it is. Hugs.

After joining this website, I am still struck by how many people -- mostly women -- are in the same situation. I have ready many books on emotional manipulation, and I still find it hard to set boundaries. Parents seem to have the ability to get us to do so many things that are not really good for us. My own mother (whom I see daily), continually says that I owe her for all the times she drove me in childhood. I have a son, and I expect no such thing from him. It's hard to determine where to draw the line, I think, because we love our parents and want to help them. But if you are feeling the way you do, you are probably going beyond what is reasonable. I have one question (and I pose this to myself often) -- Do you feel gratification from helping/visiting your Mother? I often feel depleted, exhausted, overwhelmed with demands that never seem to end. I now to errands/chores for Mom two afternoons a week. I feel good about these boundaries, and she seems ok with it, too. So setting boundaries isn't all that bad! I hope you can find some peace, so that you can enjoy your own life. She is being cared for where she is.

Hospice will come out and help with your mom(s). This is no end of life care, this care for when the person reaches a certain criteria. They sent a nurse, social worker, occupational therapist, and a volunteer. They provided all the disposable diapers, gave her showers, sat and spent time with her, and helped feed her. Every person came out once a week. The nurse kept a log of her. It was WONDERFUL!! Call Hospice, have them come out and evaluate her. It was the Assisted living home where she was at that told me about this, I was so thankful and I was trying to do it all.
Also, I was VERY vigilant on raising a big stink when I found any problem to my mom. These people shook, when I came to visit, I went straight to the nurse station, the manager at the home, to any person in charge. I questioned all the staff who dealt with my mom. Yep, it is a full time job, don't let them get away with anything. My mom could barely drink her water. Uh, where is the straw??? Over and over I had to demand it, they are so understaffed at these places, but that is not my fault. I want a straw for my mom. They get UTI way to easy, they get dehydrated

Hi All, I am in the same situation and as I read all of these kind, thoughtful and heartbreaking posts, I keep thinking we have to be careful that we don't lose our own lives in the process of trying to do the right thing. I like the reference to boundaries and I know it's nearly impossible, because with deteriorating old age, there is no schedule that can be set... also things are said by parents that come out of fear, but they are endlessly powerful to the recipient anyway... no matter why they are said. I'm going to meet with a therapist for the first time today for myself (I checked in with my insurance company and didn't realize I have that benefit. The insurance monthly premium is ridiculously expensive and it occurred to me that I should use the benefits if they can keep me from being fully institutionalized for my craziness). It will give me nearly an hour to speak about my heartbreaking circumstances with my mom, without burdening my family and friends. Not sure what she will say, but it's the one thing I'm doing for myself today. So, although I can not do anything about my mothers random demands, all of which I want to respond to and satisfy, I'm going to try to do one good and healthy thing for myself every day. Not having done that yet... I'm not sure how it will work, but just want you all to know... you have inspired me to come to this idea. Thank you for sharing your stories, because they are so closely related to mine... and help me to not feel ... badly (cranky, selfish, like my life is falling apart while at the same time I can't seem to save my mom's life...). I hope you find one good thing to do for yourself too.

Emjo, I have BPD as well and trying very hard to fix myself, it sucks, I hate it. The whole thing is damaging my family. Her being here has set off more problems for me. Seeing my pysch with my spouse today AFTER I take mother to radiation. She gets only radiation. There are no other options for her cancer.

I also use dialectical behavioral therapy to work on myself. I am sure this is inherited from her, but she would never admit she has it.

Picture, I do appreciate your input. She refuses Hospice help. Too convinced it is ONLY end of life care, and refuses it because she is clinging to false hope she is going to recover. She has approximately 4-6 months according to a 3 consulted radiation onocologist who is a close family friend. It would take a great burden off me if she would accept the extra help.
Transportation she insists. Must be in her car. She went by ambulette for 4 days and I heard nothing but bitching . I am currently driving her car only because my van requires $700 in repairs and cannot be done until first part of Oct. She holds that over my head as well as " all I did for you"...

Alexandrakl, My mom also wants to ride only in her car.... what is that? I finally convinced her that she is not really saving me gas $$, because I drive 45 minutest to her house and back in my car, but she keeps thinking it's better in her car. Some how I have to figure out what's best for both of us and how to be the strong, rational one .... because sometimes "her car" is just confusing the sensitive issues.

I too am an only child caring for my divorced dad who has no friends. Thankfully his controlling attitude has calmed down a bit because I refuse to put up with it anymore. I even heard the "but I took care of you when you were a baby in the hospital" crap. My marriage was suffering big time and I put the brakes on that. Get people to help you if you can - it is not up to your mom anymore - it doesn't matter if she will/won't accept the help - she will and that is final. See that she gets the care she needs and is ok but YOU don't have to be the one there EVERY SINGLE TIME. She will get used to it; if she bitches, just leave. Yes just leave her to stew in her own juices. You can't ruin your family life and future over this. Yes continue to help her, but enlist resources to assist you when you can't or are at your wits ends. If she has the resources she must pay for it too or you know what it won't get done. You will start to feel better after you do because I certainly did. """It is very gracious of you mom to let me borrow your car until mine is fixed and I thank you for that but I cannot drive you today because of "insert reason here" and I will show my gratitude to you for this and all of your sacrifices/gifts to me by arranging help with "so and so" to transport you and help you with your appointment."""

You better be careful girl or you will lose your health and family over this. I KNOW it is hard - I am living it too.

Your home is supposed to be your sanctuary - do not let your mom come and live with you.

Like you I am an only child and I cared for both of my parents when they were ill. However, I had a loving relationship with both parents who would do anything for me. I understand that all only children don't share that type of a relationship and it appears from the tone of your posting you may not have such a situation during your childhood. However, if you can't visit your mother without being resentful,please don't visit her. It isn't good for your mother and it isn't good for you. Perhaps a cousin or other relative who has a better relationship with your mother can step up.

There are 3 types of only children: those that are loved and adored by their parents, those that are resented by their parents and those although surprised by parenthood adjust and love their children. All only children are not the same.
Just try to do what is best for you and your mother. Clearly visiting her isn't the correct path for you.

Well, like I said, I'm an only child, dad died in 2009 I& mom's 93 & in a nursing home. I've stayed close geographically my whole life to my parents so I had a very close relationship w/my Dad & now mom is my only parent remaining. I see her 3 times/wk. She just has mild dementia but it is VERY exhausting to go to the same facility to see the same person & talk about the SAME things! She used to be so social but because the other residents don't talk since they have more advanced dementia &/or AD she doesn't like to go to bingo, eat in the dining room, etc. It kills me that she's in there but it was & still is necessary. she stopped bathing in 2009 & probably before that! After dad died she managed alonefor 1 1/2 yrs until she got sick (dehydrated)& we had to call 911 - but if you read my profile all this is in there. The point is I am VERY exhausted from the 3 times/wk visits but since she's aware of everything I want to do right by her, you know? That's why I've been reaching out/talking about this - I never considered myself a "caregiver" since she's in a n.h. but even so, I AM her caregiver. not sure if I answered this question or just repeated my own story but I hope it helps.

My father is in an ALF. My sister is the one who lives local. Before he went there, she had a really hard time saying 'no'. He wants to see her everyday, which is unreasonable considering all the others duties she has. However, since he entered the ALF, she has been able to just turn off her phone in the evening at times. He's well taken care of there and she knows she needs the break. Entering the ALF helped her feel less guilty about it. Best wishes to you.

I am sorry but if you live locally and have a loving relationship with your parent it is not --I repeat not - unreasonable to expect a visit or phone call daily. Yes it is difficult but such is life. If you have been blessed with reasonable help, do what in your heart you know you should do--visit an elderly parent who is trapped in an ALF or NH. When you get stuck in such a position do you really --honest to God--really want to be ignored?? I think not. Sometimes we need to put the elderly parent first. Do family values not extend to caring to elderly family members? What do we think our ancestors did with their elderly before NH and ALF--answer they took care of them within the family structure. It has never been and will never be easy. It is what it is--an duty.

Elizabeth

I feel bad for all you are dealing with, I know it is hard. I have both parents in a nursing home, they share a room there, they both have dementia dad is worse than mom. I live 5 minutes away and could visit every day but I don't. I would go crazy if I did. I love my parents dearly and know they are being taken care of, my mom has been in and out of the hospital since june 12, she is there now, this is the first day this week that I am not going to go see her. I have worked all week and done the best i can to care for my husband and son. I called this morning to check on her and she was fine, they know me at the hospital and know how to call me if anything changes. I said all that to say that I will not feel guilty for not going today. She doesn't expect me to come everyday the nurse tells her when I call and she says that's fine. It is ok for you to NOT go everyday. She will be ok. You have to take care of yourself before you can take care of others. As far as the comment made by Lizann...it is NOT a duty for children to make themselves mentally or physically sick in order to care for aging sick parents. It is a duty for children to make sure their parents are taken care of, in NH or AL or in their own home as long as we do that then we have done what is required. We are suppose to support and encourage each other and if we have dealt with something ourself offer advice or help but not make each other feel bad for ANY decision they make even if we disagree. As far as what our ancestors did, they didn't have the illnesses and mental issues like today back then so there was a lot less to take care of, think about it. Alexandrakl...take care of yourself, your family and then your mom. Keep us posted, oh yea, dealt with hospice with my dad since he has been in the nursing home, he didn't want it either, but he took it cause I didn't give him a choice, he "graduated" from hospice and is better since they helped him.

Lizann---HOW could you say that? Lillian 41 is right and sorry to rain on your parade but, you are wrong! You should NEVER tell someone it is his/her DUTY. It sounds like you may NOT have a parent in a NH. DO YOU?? I find it hard to believe you have lived through these experiences that we have and do each day. Otherwise, you would NOT say what you did above. An apology is in order.
Parent/child relationship dynamics----think about that for a minute. You do not know how that dynamic "plays out". Every parent/child relationship is different. Some are VERY BAD, some, not so bad and some okay. It is NOT our DUTY to make ourselves sick, to be abused yet another day by an abusive or narcissistic parent, to be drained with "wants" not "needs" until the life is sucked out of us and we no longer care about life or death We are here to HELP each other..not make others feel ashamed, guilty or any other negative feeling.

Our ancestors rarely had to care for an elder. People didn't live to be as old as they are now back then.

Lizann, she technically does not live locally, and she has undiagnosed BPD. I have it from her and she makes my life hell. I just hate her. I am sorry, but I put up with so much mental abuse for so long...

Ohhhh Alex((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) you have BPD yourself, and are working on it. You have my greatest admiration. You are the first person I have"met", albeit on line, who has that condition, admits it, and is trying to do something about it. I believe it can be inherited too as there are a number of people with this condition, or, similar in my mother's family, while the others are as normal as apple pie. I know she struggles with emotions, anger, anxiety, trust etc, and that spills out in her relationships, and makes life harder for all of us. She does not acknowledge her illness. I thank God every day that I do not have that condition. It sounds like it makes it harder for you to set boundaries with your mum, and deal with her emotions, yet, from my experience, that is what is needed. Will she be happy - no! Will she bitch, yes! Can she adjust to you doing things your way and not hers - to a degree, I think she can. You can tell her that you can't do whatever it is anymore - no explanations or justifications are needed, - or, simply do what works for you and - set a limit. Tell her that this is what you can do, (you don't have to explain yourself )and if she complains when you come you will not stay - and then walk away if she complains. For example, restrict your vists to a couple of times a week. Arrange other transpoprtation for some of the days of the week. Practice what you will say to her in the mirror before you see her if need be, You know how she is going to react, plan how you are going to respond. If your doc has given you any meds, use them. I am thinking antidepressants and /or anti anxiety here (occasional use) I may be off the wall here - whatever you doc recommends. I always felt mother would benefit from those. You have all the more reason to take special care of you with a family and marriage to manage, and your mum. Please take at least some small steps to take the pressure off you. Your needs are as important as hers. Your mum will likely be unhappy for a while, but you should not be sacrificing yourself to her condition. You need to focus more on you and your family, How far away your mother is should not determine how often you visit her. If my mother was 20 minutes away, I would not want to see her more often, and would have to set some firm limits according to what I could manage. I saw a counsellor yesterday on related issues, as the issues from childhood with a BPD mom who refused to accept any responsibility for her condition, are still with me, though not as bad as they were, and she (the counsellor) agreed that I will be dealing with these issues the rest of my life. You have a double whammy of a BPD mom, and being BPD yourself ((((((((((((((hugs))))))))).

Lizann - if you were not brought up by a mother with a personality disorder you have no idea what you are talking about, and pressuring alex to do. In any case, she is not saying she wants to ignore her mother, but that seeing her is very stressful. Reducng the number of visits is totally reasonable and acceptable.

lillian41 and teachergear Right on!

alex - look after you - your marriage relationship, your children and then your mother - in that order and let us know how you are doing!

I'm always amazed at the relationships I read about here between children and parents. My parents are really nice, but even I get upset and angry at times! My mom had dementia and I feel like I'm dealing with a child most of time, it's exhausting! My dad recently came down with shingles, had a bad fall, and my husband and I just got both of them into assisted living. He's a nice guy and he's driving me nuts!

BUT, I also realize that I'm letting him do that. And every time I read something like what I'm reading here I find myself thinking that "we as their children are our own worst enemies." Relationships with parents and siblings are a choice. We allow ourselves to get sucked in and feel guilty and enable the very behavior we find so appalling.

I love my parents and I want the best for them, but they are not going to use me up in the process. I turned 60 this year and time goes by way too fast for me to give up the time I have left to enjoy with my husband and friends in order to appease my guilt over not asking how high every time my dad asks me to jump.

I'm not an only child and my brothers are both willing to help, but they don't live nearby so my husband and I make the major decisions and there is no arguing. I'm fortunate in that way because I realize siblings can be a problem.

I know it is always easier to tell someone else what to do and I suppose I'm going to sound kind of harsh so I do apologize for that. However, this is YOUR life, too. It may be the only life you ever have (unless you are absolutely certain there is something after this). No matter what, it's a gift if you allow it to be. I think it's okay to feel overwhelmed an unsure for a while, but eventually you have to move on and find a way to deal with it. If your parent is manipulative and upset because you aren't following their rules, then so be it. If you are in therapy, then really work with your therapist and give yourself a break! If you aren't in therapy, then find a way to do so. Maybe even talk to your pastor or priest, if you have one. Do SOMETHING for yourself or accept the fact that you are going to feel guilty and be manipulated until one of you dies! Seriously, he/she might just outlast you at this rate.

alexandra - no need to apologise for your feelings. Yes, you have put up with much mental abuse. So do what you have to do to look after yourself. Your mother did not parent you well - you have to learn to parent yourself. I have had to cut of communication with my mother at times - the longest was for a year, otherwise I have done it for a few months at a time. She was only diagnosed a few years ago aged 96. I had diagnosed her unofficially many years before. My sister has a similar condition, but not acknowledged or diagnosed; however, the destructive behaviours are there. I give myself breaks to give myself time for healin., as I could not heal while being on the receiving end of continual abuse. Do you also have some feelings of anger regarding inheriting this condition? I think in your shoes I would. Protect yourself, and work on your issues and healing. I haven't seen mother since May, and if she dies before I could see her again, I would have no guilt. I have put up with so much garbage over the years... I understand.
jeanne gibbs has mentoined Pauline Boss, a psychologist, who recommends that those who have been abused by a parent do not do any hands on caregiving, but oversee it at arm's length. This is pretty well what I have arrived at.

Quote "Taking care of someone who years before was abusive or neglectful of you is beyond what is expected of you. Caring for a family member who was or is physically or psychologically abusive is dangerous. These are justifiable reasons for not being a caregiver... Other people can do the hands on work ...Your goal is to be humane, but also to prevent yourself from being hurt further." This is from "Loving Someone Who has Dementia", pp163,164, by Pauline Boss PhD.

Remember the last line - to prevent yourself from being hurt further.
Love and hugs I so understand. Joan