I have to be honest, I have it pretty good if we examine this picture as a whole. My dad passed away last year, my mother is financially stable, generally physically healthy with all of her faculties, and doesn't need much assistance.
I'm 40+, single, no kids, and live about 45 minutes away. My siblings all live out of state. As a result, I was tasked with the more physical aspects of caring for mom. I've helped with routine things my dad would have done: changing lightbulbs, moving boxes, flipping mattresses. Since I returned to my home, I now spend every Saturday afternoon with her. I offered, as she mentioned that she would miss cooking dinner for my dad. Except...
She doesn't really acknowledge that I'm doing this for her. I work a 40+ hour job during the week. I spend Saturdays with her, which means that anything that I want to do, for me personally, has to be done on Sunday. Grocery shopping, Sunday. Get the plumber to fix my routinely clogged sink, Sunday. Take my old dog to the vet for his 3 month check up due to kidney disease, Sunday. Some Sundays I barely want to leave the house. Every Friday Night I cringe at the thought of having to drive to my mothers.
Our relationship is ... superficial. She is prone to anxiety, though refuses to acknowledge it. She is judgmental and opinionated. She believes she's always right. She's defensive when you try to establish boundaries or express emotions she feels are unwarranted. She is not interested in my job, my dog, or anything that I enjoy doing. So, if I do talk to her about these things, I usually do it with the knowledge that she's just placating me until she can talk about what she wants to talk about.
She has a favorite. All of my siblings are aware of it. And I truly believe that I may be my mother's least favorite child. I don't think she dislikes me per se. But, I have no doubt that she would rather another child be the one she sees every week.
Anyway, all this is to say - that as the year has gone on, I've found myself managing expectations. I don't think my mother views my visits as something I'm doing for her. I think she assumes that I want to be there, that it is not a hardship or a challenge. Lately, as the world opens up, she has also assumed I can drive her to things (she won't drive anywhere over 45 minutes away). That I will take days off to take her to visit family. She doesn't ask if I can do it, she just states that she wants to do it. In some cases she could take a train or a car service, but she doesn't want to. Leaving me feeling selfish and anxious that I don't want to.
My emotional stamina is starting to crack. I feel very alone in managing not only these weekly visits that usually leave me feeling picked apart or frustrated, but these new responsibilities that bring up my own anxieties (I hate leaving my dog and cannot take him on road trips, I'm also a homebody and an introvert, so I prefer to keep get togethers short and sweet, rather days-long stuck alongside my mom the whole time)
I've read about people caring for their elderly parents for years (and with more significant issues) and the thought TERRIFIES me. I had a difficult time with depression and repression before my dad died and I know that if I continue down the road I'm on, I will lose myself.
I'm sorry, this feels like a petulant child yelling that no one understands them. Shouting that the sky is blue, when they want it to be turquoise. But, I had to get this off my chest and I can only share so much with my siblings, as it just makes them feel bad that they can't do much to help me.
Yes, you need to establish boundaries and there is no indication from your post that mom is ill or developing dementia. She sounds healthy. Help her to find senior groups to participate in. Maybe it is time to consider a senior living situation. She will need help, if not from you, what about a geriatric care manager.
Is she in a grief support group? Going to a therapist? With her getting involved in these groups her support base will, friends will increase, more people in her life to reduce her needs with only you to fulfill.
What is your mother's financial situation? Does being "financially stable" mean she can afford long-term care if necessary in a facility? She lives in her own house, correct? Or apartment or condo? (Is there house and yard maintenance?)
Barb is so right in that she sees mission creep coming. As your mother ages, she will need you more and more. I don't know how old your mother is (in her 70's?), but a decline can happen quickly. What happens then?
How far away is out of state for your siblings? You state that you have a superficial relationship with your mother; are their relationships with her any different?
Cutting back on your visits will likely make her upset/angry. Good. Use the opportunity to tell her to seek guidance in the form of grief couseling or therapy to work out her unrealistic expectations that you will step into your father's role.
Be prepared for her to call up all your siblings to complain about how awful you are.
Read the "narcissistc mother" thread; you may find some good company there. https://www.agingcare.com/discussions/caregiving-for-a-narcissistic-mother-do-we-do-it-out-of-love-or-out-of-years-of-guilt-and-programmin-463032.htm?orderby=recent
I never " visited" with my mom for an entire day. And yes, I lived 45 minutes away. Visits were 2 hours tops and that included a shopping trip to BBB or a haircut.
What is it your mom needs? Does she have a lawn service and snow removal set up? Handyman? House cleaner?
Has she considered downsizing to a different living situation like an Independent Living facility? Less cooking, no upkeep?
Don't announce boundaries. Just tell her that you're not coming this week. Or make an upcoming visit a shorter one (tell her in advance that you aren't coming or not staying to dinner--"I have other plans" is all you need to say).
Before buying this place I'm in now, I was about that far away. The route I used to get to work would take me near, so there were times I could swing by to "help" with something quick on my in to work or on my way home. Moving here made it about 1.5 hours. There was no intent to get farther away, it just was.
Anyway, I can't tell you how many times I've told people the MAX times I could spend with my mother was 4 hours, and that generally involved other people being there. Once it was less than 10 minutes! She wasn't too bad, at least for me, about "needing" something done. When we had to take the car away, it meant having to make more trips, to bring supplies and/or take her shopping for food. Although by this time I knew dementia was in play, it was very early stages and she lived alone, so there was a lot still "hidden." Having to do the grocery runs clued me in about the cooking, or lack thereof. Shriveled up veggies in the fridge, overabundance of chicken in the freezer, etc. Sometimes she would say she was out of something, like TP or paper towels, when in reality she stashed them away in the usual spot (spare BR closet) and then forgot they were there! Plastic wrap? I think I now have a lifetime supply! Aluminum foil? Yep, that too.
Never would have been able to stay for an entire day. The long drive sucked, but between limits in how long I could tolerate some of the nonsense AND having cats who need regular meals (no dry food for any cats here!), I couldn't stay all day. That made it hard to clear, clean and get repairs done when we moved her to MC too! Almost 2 years of my existence gone to that and selling it. By the time of closing, I said I NEVER want to see that place again! (it was not the "family home" for us, so there were no attachments to it, but spending so much time there, UGH!)
I feel your pain. You’re in a tough spot. I’m so sorry.
Be honest with her and tell her that you have sacrificed a great deal for her and some new arrangements are in order.
Groceries and just about everything else can be delivered these days.
You sound resigned to becoming a caregiver. You don't. Just because you live the closest doesn't mean you have to, or should, provide hands on care.
Don't feel like you have to apologize for your feelings, they are normal, natural, and to be expected.
Stay Strong :)