Any advice on how to plan for the future when you are alone?

Question

Any advice on how to plan for the future when you are alone?

Follow

Share

I am in the midst of all the rules, regulations, paperwork and headaches of getting my 89-year-old mom into nursing care. She never could have navigated this process! Mom had a little bit of money, so I sought out an elder care attorney to help me through the process. I will ask his opinion as well, but wanted to hear others opinion on how to plan for this for myself if I should ever get to the point where I can't take care of myself. I am divorced with no children and have no close relatives who will be able to help me. I am 63 years old. I am by no means rich, but I do have assets. What happens to someone like me when I get old? Who does all this paperwork and running around? What happens to my assets? I do have a will and POA, leaving things to a relative, but will they get any of that if I need nursing home care?

Family Caregiver

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.

57 Answers

Most
Helpful Newest
First Oldest
First

1 2

Carla B--My mother had inherited some stock almost 60 years ago, and my father made sure she held on to it (not to suggest that she otherwise would have been a spendthrift!) My father set up a trust several years ago naming my sister and me as beneficiaries when they're gone, so the money for the nursing home is coming from this. She's even worried that there won't be enough left for us, but I reassure her that everything is fine both for her and for us (which it is and should be unless she lives well over 100!) and that I'm saving and investing too. I never realized that my parents were this well off until a couple years before they ended up in the nursing home which happened after I retired to take care of them, which I could only do so long (a home nursing aid said my father needed more help than even she could provide).

You'll probably want to save and invest all you can, and then make certain none of it goes for your mother's care; she'll need to go on Medicaid. With health care becoming what it is in this country (my last physical was almost like "yeah, your blood work looks okay and you walked in here under your own power" so they assume I won't drop dead before getting out of the building!), I'm thinking of becoming a "medical tourist" or even moving overseas.

Helpful Answer (0)

Report

jacobsonbob - I have the same plan - to move away as soon as my mother dies. Who knows where I'll end up? Some people find some security in knowing where they'll be buried but for others, it's wherever you happen to land for the last time.

At the same time, I sort of envy you for having a mother who 1) saved enough for her own long term care needs (I assume it's her "private pay" and not your money) and 2) even thinks about the fact that you have a future to prepare for after she's gone. My mother hasn't saved a dime and is totally oblivious to the fact that I will have nobody to take care of me like I take care of her. I have mentioned this to her once or twice and her response it "Oh, right!" She is so self-centered that my future needs never even cross her radar!

Helpful Answer (1)

Report

I'm almost 65, and single with no dependents. My 92 y/o mother, who is private pay in a nursing home, sometimes asks what will happen to me when I'm older. Other times, if I mention how much I made on my investments that day, she says "money isn't everything" or it should be "given to charity" I mention that I want to be prepared in case I need long-term care. (It's strange how people can sometimes forget that people have jobs so they can earn money, so it shouldn't be a problem investing what they've earned to make more, but that's a different issue.) I figure that long-term care insurance is very expensive, has some surprising limitations on what and how long it will pay, and one might not need it anyway as not everyone goes into a nursing home. Building up one's assets is basically being self-insured.

She also asks where I'm going to be buried, etc. and such questions make me uncomfortable but not because of a fear of my mortality but because I'm not really "wedded" to anywhere in particular (and plan to move when she's gone) so any plan I made now might be irrelevant a few years from now, as I could be living on the other side of the world by then.

Helpful Answer (1)

Report

I did see the sharpest bright red Mercedes the other day...a very old man struggled out of it to go into the grocery. I have to say I thought "good for you!" Before he gives that to the nursing home at some point, he is going to enjoy some of his money in the way he saw fit. With me it might be something else. My neighbor went to NYC and loaded down with jewelry she bought there. She died wearing it all, didn't care who got it later,(her grandaughter did).

Helpful Answer (0)

Report

I really am not interested in hiding my assets. I think too many people do that and it drives everyone elses taxes up when Medicade has to pay for care when the person could be paying at least some or all of it. That being said, I will protect a little for my niece who will likely get stuck doing paperwork if I'm incapacitated. It's a lot of work and very stressful! She and her sister will get it all if I just drop dead without needing care (if there is any left). I do intend to do some traveling and enjoy what I have worked so hard for. I learned that much from taking care of my mom. She and my dad scrimped and saved all their lives and never took the time to really enjoy. But really, who am I to judge how they chose to live their life? I just don't want that for myself.

Helpful Answer (2)

Report

Yes, the greed is everywhere from home repair contractors to car dealers to care services for the elderly. I wonder if there is some sort of underhanded understanding that some older people have lived simply and saved a lot, or some baby boomers have inherited some of their parents money...and now services and trying to get that money by driving the prices up when people are in need and over a barrel. Or they also know there is always credit. Having no foresight, these greedy people don't see what will happen when people won't be able to make payments on the inflated charges. All that matters to them is making the sale today. I am seeing more inequality each day and worry about where things are headed. At least with no kids I don't have to worry about them inheriting such a situation and not being able to pay back college loans or even buy a house. There is already a trend of young people not wanting home ownership.

Helpful Answer (2)

Report

I am concerned about society. It seems that the less money a person has, the harder they had to work to earn it. Other people are making a lot of money by overcharging people for things. This ends up driving prices up when others see that they, too, can get by with overcharging. Home maintenance has gone that route, with "contractors" inserting themselves into the transaction. Contractors are generally not needed at all and more than double the price of the work. You could deal directly with the workers if the contractor hadn't grabbed them up. I try to find companies to hire directly, but it is getting harder to do.

I miss the old days when you could hire the neighborhood kid to cut the grass. Now the neighborhood kid is too good for that. They are driving around in new cars as soon as they turn 16 -- not really good for the kid, but it promotes the image around here in Birmingham. Makes me want to be back in south TX where image is not so important.

I really think the country needs to look to see if it is willing to throw old people to the curb so the rich can become richer. If they are, then it's not the USA anymore. All people can't be equal if only a small proportion of them matter.

Helpful Answer (2)

Report

JessieBelle made an interesting and very spot on comment. I too wonder what is happening with greed...money is being treated like nothing and some of us had to work very hard to get it. I am worried that all the savings that people have will be grabbed up by the greedy, including health and nursing home care. Just look at the prices of things lately...it seems everything has doubled in price and in towns where the average income is 40K at best for many families I see half the people driving luxury cars. If this trend continues I foresee a big crash in the economy for people who are not careful. I worry about retirees. The prospect of retirement may be an unknown thing to younger generations if things don't get a grip!

Helpful Answer (1)

Report

Carla, I agree, it is the seniors themselves and the doctors who want to prolong life at all costs, and I don't mean just financial, but the pain, the suffering. Sometimes they put feeding tubes in Alzheimer's patients or take toxic chemo that might only give a few more months of life. And you're not selfish at all - I have to admit that I am tired of taking mom to all her medical appointments. Took her to her PCP, now it's the dentist, neurologist, urologist, maybe she'll need the cardiologist, podiatrist... it never ends.

Invisible, I see your point, and when my mother says she wants to die I feel terrible, and would never want someone I love to end it so I wouldn't be burdened. But I still plan on ending my life when all the joy is gone, when I cannot do what I enjoy, when every day is longing for the pain to end, if I can barely think and feel the lights going out, one by one, and know they never will come back on. I hope my daughter will understand. It won't be just to avoid inflicting caregiving on her, but to spare myself all that pain and suffering and regression. Hopefully I'll get cancer and then everyone will understand when I move to Oregon...

Helpful Answer (3)

Report

Guiltandsorrow: Your question "Will my relatives get anything?" is all dependent on whether YOU will need the services of a nursing home.

Helpful Answer (1)

Report

First thing you need to do is have a attorney and a financial planner. They're actually are asset trusts out there that will protect all of your assets and provide for long-term care insurance and you not have to worry about Medicaid which is not going to be guaranteed to pay 100%. The way things are going we may be lucky to get 25% covered. If you do get long-term care insurance make sure you read all of the stipulations and criteria some have elimination periods and some have waiting periods and some are limited to how many hours a week you may be able to get for care. Stay at home as long as possible and have a private caregiver with a reputable company do not hire outside of a company that does Home Care.

Helpful Answer (2)

Report

Going thru all the details of "life"...None of this crap here on earth matters in the end!!

Priority "1, getting documents in order etc etc.......

~~living life to the fullest
smiling at people you meet
hoping for a euthanasia pill (that's ok for me but not sure about my loved ones taking one!?!?!?!) that would be sad...very debatable~~

But, dropping dead in my garden is what I'm asking God for 🌷🌹🌺🐓🐿🐾🌻🍄or mushrooming in the woods with ticks on me would be great also
😉

Love you all, thank your for being here for me!!!

Helpful Answer (3)

Report

I plan to not leave much money to anyone as I have no kids, and try to enjoy my $ before anything happens to me. My Mom did have long term care insurance and after 15 years of not using it...they sent all the money she paid into it back to her and the plan continued after 15 years but any money she paid into the premium thereafter would not come back to her. You have to weigh out the high cost of the insurance, and whether or not you want to leave assets to anyone or use it for yourself later before medicaid if the assets run out. It is complicated and everyone has a different situation. If you do opt for long term care insurance, ask if there is a clause for getting the $ back after not using the insurance for a certain amount of years.

Helpful Answer (2)

Report

I have put down several pets over the years and it's always excruciating to me. If someone I loved killed themselves because they didn't want to burden me, I would carry that burden for the rest of my life. I have a friend who is struggling with ALS right now and two who are dealing with cancer. I admire their courage to face the diseases with grace and humor. Their families and friends have turned out to help them, even those without children. Read in the papers this week about millionaires who killed themselves because they couldn't face their financial losses. Saw a story tonight about a kid without arms who sinks 3-point basketball shots. Watched a documentary on ordinary people in a concentration camp in WWII that pulled off the greatest escape you never heard of. The baby boomer generation needs to learn how to scale down and buck up.

Helpful Answer (2)

Report

I have already found out how greedy people are simply by being a female who has to hire people for odd jobs, mechanics, etc. End up paying about 40 percent more than men, and I get very little social security anyway. I hope their conscience hurts them.

As far as housing, there is a website for co housing. You could share a home, or neighborhood with others in similar situations.
Here is the site (if they will let me put it in) :http://www.cohousing.org/directory

Helpful Answer (2)

Report

This morning I woke up thinking that the biggest threat facing us in the US is the runaway greed that seems to be getting worse each generation. Home maintenance costs now are awful. The sales tax keeps going up. Housing prices are getting out of reach for most people. At the same time they are talking about cutting money going to senior citizens. It's almost like people are worshiping the golden calf. They even elected a representative of the golden calf as president. I don't recognize this country anymore. Over the course of my life, capitalism has gone into overdrive and is hurting this country so much. Our neighborhood has turned into a perpetual construction zone with people buying, improving, and flipping houses. They don't want a home now. They just want money for flipping houses. The thing that hurts old people is that we didn't come up during such an expensive time, and even if we saved a lot, it is not going to meet this ever-increasing love of money the people in charge have. I wish we could return to a simpler time in the US, but I know it isn't going to happen. I just hope that we ordinary older people have enough to coast through the rest of our lives.

Helpful Answer (5)

Report

Carla, I sure hear what you are saying and I don't think you are selfish at all. My husbands' mother (now 96) got into the habit of going to the Dr., it became her social life, going from Dr. to Dr. and then she'd have something to talk about with her friends. She did this all during her 80's. Thank goodness she could still drive when all this was going on for years. Finally one of her Dr's called my husband and told him they felt his mother needed to go to a Psychologist to figure out why she kept going to so many Dr's. When she found out they had gone behind her back & talked about her mental behavior she finally quit going so much. Then there's my dad, he hadn't been sick a day in his life but right before he died at 85, he had made his mind up he was going to have some surgeries on his heart that his Dr. had spoke with him about. Dad seemed unfazed at how long his recoup time would be and who was going to be there to do the leg work for him. He had been opposed to Dr's his whole life so I was more than surprised when he told me about this decision. Ultimately, he had a light heart attack & was in the hospital for 6 days, demanded to go home against all the Dr's wishes but he couldn't stand being inconvenienced at the hospital. He was miserable at home the next week then died of a major heart attack. It was hard on me to see all that happen within such a short time, but then I thought, wow, I hope that happens to me, quick and then gone.

Helpful Answer (5)

Report

Dana, I agree with everything you've said up until the last sentence. I don't think it's usually family and loved ones who keep people alive and won't let go, I think it's seniors and their doctors perhaps who won't let go. I'll use my mother, who is almost 86, as an example.

Mom has a hundred health problems (except cancer other than small skin cancers) and has had a gazillion medications and procedures. She had a knee replacement when she was 77, and even then I argued against it, because her mobility was so poor that I felt it would compromise her ability to recover from surgery, which involves getting up and walking on the operated leg. (I was right and my siblings and I ended up having to fork over $4000 in charges for her rehab stay). Yesterday I was taking her to the doc for yet another procedure, and she mentioned casually that she is going to have to have "something done" for the knee that was not operated in 2008. I'm thinking "Mom, let it go, you're almost 86!" because I don't want to have to support her through another surgery and rehab. What I said was "What about pain patches?" She is going to bring this up with her doctor at the next visit and I'm praying the doc does not suggest anything involving surgery or more office procedures, because I'm already running Mom around to more of those than I would like. I know it's selfish, but I'm trying to have a life here. Trying to keep a job and have some vacation in the summer. It's not me or my siblings putting Mom through endless treatments. It's her own doing, supported by her doctors, who are always saying "Come back in a week." "Come back every three months." "Try this other procedure." Mom has basically nothing else to do with her life, but the schedule of medical needs is running me a little ragged!

Helpful Answer (6)

Report

My answer will not be popular, but caregiving is influencing my perspective. In just two years of caring for mom, I am seeing how she is becoming more physically incapacitated and mentally impaired, and she hates being dependent on me, and I'll be honest, I do not enjoy caregiving. My physical and mental health, formerly excellent, have suffered. I have a daughter, who is away in school now, and I will never, ever, put her through this. I don't want her to give up her life for caregiving, and that is the reality for so many of us, and except for on caregiver forums like this, no one talks about our realities as caregivers.

I'm hoping I get cancer, then I'll choose no treatment and only palliative care and hospice, and I'll move to a state where assisted suicide is legal. If I ever get a terrible diagnosis like Alzheimer's or dementia, in the early stages, when I am still rational, I am going to Dignitas. It's an organization in Switzerland for death with dignity, and there I will end my life. The criteria in states that offer assisted suicide here are written so that only those with six months or less to live are eligible, which leaves out dementia patients. I don't want my last years to be spent rotting in some miserable nursing home. I'll travel, say my goodbyes, and leave with dignity, sparing my daughter the anguish of taking care of me.

I don't consider this suicide but end of life managment. Face it, we put people through agonies before we let them go, but the last loving thing we do for our beloved pets is take them on that last trip to the vet.

Helpful Answer (6)

Report

Saw the elder care attorney today and his advice for my situation was this: at my age (almost 63) he felt I was already doing what I should. I have a will and POA for financial and medical decisions should I become incapacitated. I keep good records, but I plan to do even better by using some of the ideas mentioned here. I asked about setting up a mortuary fund and he said he is not a fan of those for the very reason someone stated here. If the funeral home gets sold or goes out of business you're often out of luck. My parents set up funds for themselves and my disabled brother and I admit it was convenient when my dad and brother passed. No second guessing that we were doing what they wanted and decisions that are difficult when you are grieving are made for you, but I have always resisted doing this because I don't know where I'm going to be when I die or what my circumstances will be; will I be in a relationship, remarried, living across the country from my home state, etc. I have no strong feeling that I need to be buried in my home town, so that cost could be avoided. I have an advance directive that spells out what I want done at the end of my life.

The attorney liked OldBob's suggestion to spend down by enjoying life. He said he wouldn't do more than I already have at this stage of my life but when I get in my mid to late 70s I might want to reevaluate everything. Of course none of us are guaranteed tomorrow, but for those of us who like to plan, just keeping our finances in order and keeping good (and easily assessible) records is the best thing to do.

Helpful Answer (5)

Report

Smithsilver, what an awful story. Horrible to have the wrong person making the plans, and often they tend to trust professional advice, but that can be too far removed from individuals, and too tied to their own ideas.

Many people don't know much about how to plan for a regular helper to go to someone's house. I really believe it works well to make changes by degrees, and don't ask the elder to agree, for many refuse change. But just have someone go regularly to do a specific task, like make a meal, or clean rooms. Then have them stop and have tea with the elder person, and listen. That's a good way to learn what's currently relevant, and figure out ideas for additional tasks.

DO have a month long evaluation time for a change, evaluate it all and change the caregiver if it's not adding reassurance and help to the elder. So what if it's a blanket rate to go through this process - better than hiring people for tasks only, and not learning what would help at changing stages of life. So many times people just use professionals, but they don't often plan the flexibility above. And also plan for a 2-3 times a week trip out - anywhere, but regular.

I knew a smart, active woman who gave up her business at 75, and became a twice a week volunteer serving meals at her town senior center. Stayed visible in her town. Senior men who drive vans for seniors. I'm trying to figure out where I could live, when my life interests are in several different areas.

Helpful Answer (0)

Report

See an good estate planning or elder care attorney. Write out your wishes and plans.
Choose 2 very reliable people to be your POA and MEDICAL POA. and fill out a FIVE WISHES FORM. This details how you want things done financially, physically, emotionally.
Think about what type of care and where you would like to live. Assisted living? Independent living? Nursing care? Care at home?
An elder care/estate lawyer can help guide you.

Bad case scenario - a single friend designated her 'pal' to be her POA and Medical POA.
Several years later she suddenly got very sick at age 63. In 2 months, he emptied her house and her bank accounts to move her into an expensive 'adult community' where she died just a few months later all alone in a strange apartment.
An Elder care advocate told us later she had gone to visit this friend and the 'pal', before the pal sold her out, and advised them to keep her in her home of 30 years and have a part time daytime person come in to help her around the house, prepare meals and check on her meds, other than that she could continue to live independently in her home for many months or years to come, with her pets and plants and hobbies.
Instead, the pal using his POA signed papers for a senior community and sale of her home (she never agreed to, and dementia was NOT an issue, he just did it and told her it was 'fait accompli') she ended up enduring a harrowing move, loss of her pets, plants and most of her hobby supplies (he paid a company - with her money - to empty out her house and he claimed everything was thrown out or donated - except thousands of dollars in silver and antiques and other expensive items and musical instruments were all unaccounted for) and she was moved into a tiny apartment in a community of people she didn't know 45 minutes from her home of 30 years. Now there were no long time neighbors to drop in and visit her, no pets to comfort her, no hobbies to occupy her. When she got suddenly sick - she was in bed for 3 days alone.
If she had been in her own home an attendant would have found her, or a neighbor would have been dropping by. A horrible and sad situation in a person she trusted. (who financially did quite well out of the deal).
PS - by the time she was found after 3 days, she went to the hospital and died 2 days later, because the damage had been done by her being in bed for 3 days with no care, no medicine, no food, no water.

PS Erikson was the adult/senior community he moved her into - there was a $260K+ buy in & monthly rent over $4K a month plus extra charges for every single meal or amenity they offered. (like $10 fee to take your groceries to the elevator for you, and a tip to the employee is appreciated).
Even after giving cash 'gratuities' to assistants,
her first month there they hit her up for a check for an extra $200 gratuity to give to the employees.
But when she was missing for 3 days - they never noticed or checked on her.

Helpful Answer (0)

Report

I'm in the same situation, I have no children and due to many odd circumstances during my life, it's pretty much just me and my husband looking out for each other. Unfortunately, many people have found they should not have trusted the attorney they left in charge of their estate. That's been in the news many times all over the USA and in my town, I'm constantly hearing about local attorneys that have taken over an incapacitated persons estate and administer it to themselves, so that's not necessarily the end all answer. Another unfortunate thing I've learned about is that even though you prepay your funeral, if the funeral home is purchased by another buyer, sometimes the new owner doesn't acknowledge your prepayment. I saw that on an episode of "American Greed". What they said basically is you are buying an insurance policy when you prepay the funeral. An unscrupulous man bought a bunch of funeral homes, he took loans against the paid up policies, took the cash, sold the funeral homes and left the new owners with policies that had no value. In some cases the new owners honored the prepaid funerals out of their own pocket but others were not able to financially, so people just got ripped off. People then think " I'll just sue the funeral home", but unless you have ever been involved in a law suit, you have NO idea what's involved. The only people that come out ahead generally on a law suit, are the attorneys even when you have right on your side. I read on this forum about a woman who ended up in the hospital 3 months, when she got out - her home and possessions had all been sold by her husband's niece and the niece was hiding her husband some place (he had Alz). The niece had worked with an unscrupulous Dr. who had helped her obtain a POA and that's how she was able to sell everything and there was basically nothing the woman could do. I don't mean to be a downer here, but nothing is fool proof. How sad that instead of living our golden years, we must be thinking about moving to a state that allows assisted suicides, but I've had that thought also. I'm not the type of person that can just live every day to its fullest and not worry about tomorrow, great for those than can, but that's not my personality. I've always been the responsible person at the party.

Helpful Answer (0)

Report

MsMadge - I had a similar experience. Seeing how much my mother's expenses were increasing in old age and how her limited income put paid care out of reach, I went back to work after my first retirement at 56 (my old job was glad to have me back) until my job fizzled out with the economy when I was 60. I retired again with a better income than the first time. It still wasn't quite enough, and at 63 I found a part time job with a nonprofit agency that has turned out to be my favorite job of all time. I'd like to keep this job for ten years or more, if I can. Once I start Medicare (next summer) I'll be freed of most of the cost of health insurance and big copayments, and most of my earnings can go into savings after that. So that's my plan.

The side benefit of working is that you get to meet some great people. You get a bit of a social life, which I desperately need as I am stuck in my mother's state of Florida until she dies and all my friends were up north.

Keep thinking and adapting and hopefully you'll find a good spot for yourself. Good luck!

Helpful Answer (3)

Report

Given how much I'm spending to help mom who's nearly 94 and has my dad's pension, and a small LTC policy, I'm frankly quite concerned about my own retirement - was hoping to retire at 59 but that's a dream now providing I can stay employed til I'm 62 or 63 and then what - without a pension I may not be able to stay in SoCal - the thought of moving to a strange place alone in my 60s isn't too appealing

Helpful Answer (0)

Report

Things can change quickly so besides getting a will, POA, pre-paying for your funeral/grave, you should probably find some human friends (as they can help with things a dog can't), some passion that makes you want to get up and keep going every day, and get rid of things that clutter up your life. Keep your paperwork in order as someone suggested, to make it as easy as possible to execute your wishes in the event that things take a bad turn. Keep that glass 1/2 full. My Aunt found her true love in her 70s and married her third husband in her 80s. None of us are guaranteed anything. I think long term care insurance will get better than it is today. But who knows how long Medicare and Social Security will be around?

Helpful Answer (3)

Report

Thanks to all of you for your input. OldBob, great advice! I do plan to do some traveling once I get my mom settled. I am pretty organized, but plan to do even better by using some of the ideas stated here. I will stay where I am as long as my mom is alive, but assuming I will outlive her, I plan to sell my condo and move to a senior community somewhere warmer without snow! I'm still thinking about a revokable trust......

Thanks again everyone!

Helpful Answer (1)

Report

When the time comes, I am wishing to be cremated. No funeral, no service, no nothing. I don't like funerals; sure it may bring closure and a chance to say good bye, but I don't really have any family in the area that I live in anymore, and a lot of the cousins I have are all over the place; some aren't speaking to me anymore (who cares) and some are dead (again, who cares)

Helpful Answer (1)

Report

I like OldBob's advice best. Don't worry; be happy. Tomorrow might never come, then we missed out on the day.

Helpful Answer (4)

Report

When my husband was diagnosed with Alzheimer's Disease, I found a reasonably price CCRC (Continuing Care Retirement Community) and we moved here. We did have to put in an entrance fee, but that made us contract residents and we are promised care even if we run out of money - through no fault of ours. We pay a monthly fee which covers one meal a day, all maintenance, entertainment (they take us to concerts and events on a bus), all utilities except telephone. So our monthly expenses are quite low. We love it here. We have a build-in community of friends and so won't become isolated. There is Assisted Living for when we need it, and a health care center. Nurses on duty all the time. We can live as independently as we wish now but know help is available when we need it. We sold our home which more than covered the entrance fee. Some are very expensive, but not all and the less expensive ones can be very nice. You can't move in until you are 65. You might want to visit some places to see what you think. I know that when my husband dies, I will be taken care of.

Helpful Answer (2)

Report

1 2

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.

Any advice on how to plan for the future when you are alone?

57 Answers

Recent Questions

Popular Questions

Related Questions