Any experience moving someone out of assisted living?

The reasons that precipitated the move to al will still be there. And potentially augmented.

If any of these include double incontinence, falling, wandering, tantruming, if she has a big d diagnosis, I’d strongly consider a facility transfer rather than bringing in all these problems.

Moving back in with you isn't the answer; moving her into another Assisted Living residence is, in my opinion.

~Costs are a known quantity BEFOREHAND, and something your mother should be paying for.

~Walking a dog in AL by the staff is something that generally costs more; get that in writing before the lease is signed. "Periodic" walking of the dog is way too vague & suggestive of double talk.

~Twice weekly showers is the norm; that should also be in the lease and not something that's open for debate.

~If your mother is having THAT many issues with her phone & TV remote, it is suggestive of dementia. At 89, has she been tested with a cognitive exam by her doctor? Know what you're dealing with at all times in terms of mom's health, both mental & physical. It's not the ALs fault that mom can't work her phone & remote.

~Everyone 'hates the food' in AL, it's the law. If the elders have nothing to complain about, they have nothing to TALK about together at all. I know from where I speak; my folks were in AL for 7 years. They'll have good meals and bad meals, but always always dwell on the bad ones. Meanwhile, very few elders lose weight while living in AL. You do the math on that one.

~Stump the pavement & find a facility that has good reviews online; preferably one that's NOT corporate owned (if possible). Speak to the residents about how THEY like living there, and how long they have. Indicative of quality of life.

~AL provides autonomy for the elder and the possibility of a longer life. I have NO doubt my mother lived to 95 precisely b/c of the quality of care she received in AL and then in Memory Care AL.

~Find an Al that adheres to the policy that the social director comes to the resident's apartment to get them to come and join in on the activities every day; that was the policy at mom's AL. They discouraged hiding out alone in one's room.

~Don't force mom to move in with you b/c YOU think it's the better idea; allow mom to make her own decision. Get her a very simple remote for the TV and a very simple phone, too. If dementia is at play, find out so you'll know; with dementia comes the inability to work any and all mechanical devices at a certain point. In the meantime, write down instructions on a large index card for mom to refer to, which is what we did for mom with her DVD player; that worked well for a number of years before her dementia got bad. Same thing with retrieving voice mails and how to use the remote control. Having her push the button/pull the cord for HELP at the AL is another option when she has trouble with her devices.

~You being there 3-5 days a week defeats the purpose of her being in AL to begin with. She has to learn to adjust w/o your continuous help, and you have to accept that things won't be perfect no matter WHERE she resides outside of your home (which won't be perfect either).

~Let the new AL know that you expect the services that are included with the rent to BE PROVIDED to your mom. My mom's AL had a schedule on the back of her door showing her shower dates and times, and laundry day as well. That's the least you should expect, along with care conferences on a regular basis.

Wishing you the best of luck getting mom set up in a new place as she would like to have happen.

You believe she will be disappointed, in that she must move back home and doesn't want to?
If so, this is not something I would do. Complaints are normal. It's basically what they DO in ALF from my own and my bro's experience, including institutional food and etc.
Were Mom to wish to come home, and monetarily this is how her funds can last, and YOU and your husband want this, then I am for it. But if one of those three deciding factors is missing I wouldn't do it.
Nothing is ideal. Not your home. And not the ALF.
Only you know all the facts. Only you three together can decide on this. You might decide to "give this a try" and let the facility know if it doesn't work out for any of you then Mom will be back. But again, only you can make the decision. I can only wish you good luck, and hope you'll update us as you go.

Just guessing that you could set up a day of home-care interviews and ask Mom to give her input on which one(s) she likes. Then a trial period of 1 month to get a confirmation. Sounds like she and her fur baby could enjoy your setup.

Perhaps "Visiting Angels" can refer someone who will bathe her daily and cook the food she likes.

Could she FaceTime a friend or two in the Assisted Living center?

How can this be the best decision if mom doesn't want to do it?

If she only has a problem running tech devices, why does she need help with showering, walking her dog, etc?

You need to be honest with yourself about what her condition really is.

What she wants and what she can pay for should get the most consideration, not you or your husbands desires.

Maybe she likes having other seniors to hang out with, have you considered how that need will be fulfilled if you force her back to your house?

What does mom say about you wanting to move her back into your home?
Have you looked at other Assisted Living communities or even Group Home or Shared Home?
Why did mom want to move out? Is it that she wanted her own "space" or were there other things going on?
At least one of the issues that you mentioned, help with showering and possibly other ADL's may be a State Violation that could be reported to the Ombudsman. (Did you look at reviews of this place on the Medicare Website for violations?)

Everyone complains about "institution" food. I bet you did when you were in school.
If she is having a problem with phones in the facility she will have the same problems at home.
If she can not operate a remote in the facility she may have the same problems in your home, in her "space".
No facility can "force" a resident to join in for activities. They can remind them, ask them to join but it is up to the resident to join. Particularly in Assisted Living, in Memory Care they are a bit more "encouraging" but still can not make a person join in.
As far as laundry, if you (mom) is paying to have it done and it is no then I would ask that the fee be removed from the bill. (small think but it may bring home a point if this is supposed to be "fee for service")
Is mom on a first floor? Does she have a door that goes right out? If so a leash on the dog and she can stay in her apartment and let the dog out. Or (and some may frown on this) there are training pads or even litter boxes that dogs can be trained to use. That might be an option.

You need to convey to your mother in a loving, caring manner that her care and safety are your upmost priority. You want to make sure that she is receiving the kind of care she deserves. Check into local programs for seniors so that she can have social engagement at least twice a week when she moves back to your home. Arrange for a caregiver to take her out shopping once a week. Many churches have senior groups. Social engagement is very important and she will then have occasions to look forward to for fun and seeing others her age.

I feel your pain...my mother in law was living like she was in jail, not assisted living, they stole her belongings, she wasn't getting the dry eye drops we gave them, we brought her some Mountain Dew, her favorite soda and they wouldn't give it to her because they said it kept her up all night (like, so what, why can't she stay up all night if she wants to?)....She used to frequent casinos, so she was a night owl...Then we went to visit her and she had briuses on her face, they said she fell, but the falls kept happening...where are the people to be assisting her?...The cost was thru the roof and I wouldn't ever put anyone I loved in there ever.

We had to do the same thing with my dad. He fell twice and it was not working out so we did the same thing and moved him back home. Was hard but the best choice. It sounds like you made the best move and it still is hard but the best decision. I understand your struggle and frustration. It is so hard making those decisions and I get it completely!

It seems your mother's own biggest complaint is not liking the food. Does she dislike it enough to be willing to move in with you? Are you more concerned about actual care or the cost? Is your mother paying for the AL or are you? You can hire your own aides for extra help with hygeine, dog walking, etc. AL's are often short-staffed,esp since COVID, and may not be able to provide even the services they would like to. If expenses are covered by your mother's money and she is competent to make decisuons, where she lives should be her choice. If you are just wishing she was not spending your inheritance on her own living expenses, that is not up to you.

Bring Mom home. Is there anything more important than providing the highest possible quality of life to a love one ? You have all in place to give that experience to your Mother.

I feel your pain. In my case my wife is being held prisoner by the assisted care facility. They are doing a poor job. But refuse to release her “it’s against medical advice”. They are not providing therapy they claim and I proved it to them. They blame my wife for refusing therapy. Of course I was told by insurance if I remove her, her coverage would be canceled. What she needs is out patient care. I will have to pay that cost. It is sad places like this can use the financial card with blackmail tactics to line their pockets.

I've had the same experience, and mom and i were very happy once she was out of there. It sounds like you are still basically the primary caregiver, and yet you're spending all this money. It's so frustrating. We had to pay an additional 30 days, so check your contract to see what the terms are, but i wouldn't hesitate to move her as soon as you can. It sounds like you have given them adequate time and opportunity to do their job, and if they haven't improved by now, they aren't going to. Best of luck to you!

Do it fast. My husband was in hospital 14 days for pneumonia. Hospitalists are a j9ke. Finally better I'm ready to bring him home. The discharge person wanted him in a nursing home. We said no. He was fine. So as I'm getting ready to bring him home.. I get a call n he is on his way to a nursing home. He was fine n said he was told he would geophysical therapy. The food was horrible. The morning of his 3rd day he had diaherra sp bad like running faucet. It was all day n we could not getour Xrinto facility. They said no Drs allowed. Thry had none. That evening he was throwing up... could nit get help. When nurse came in my husbandsaud what are you giving me. Stool softeners. Laxatives. Husband said stop. I've never hada problem. I repeated it. Nurse agrees ..it got worse n worse. By dau 5 he was weak n very sick. So I saidim taking him.to nearest hospital. He was so dehydrated.... we never saw a Dr. Only nurses. I packed suitcase n moved in n fought to save him. He died from dehydration. I lost the love of my life. Our family Dr took it upon himself to pull up.all treatments. He asked me to come to his office. He said there was nothing all wrong with him... Dr words to.me. THEY KILLED HIM . TESEARCH later out of 40 nursing homes rank from best to worse this place was No. 40. The statedid nothing. I had justwatched my daughter die n now my husband. Depression was terrible. 3 yrs to file a lawsuit n I could not get the strength to contact one for 2.5 yrs.. No one would take case because they need 12 mo.. nwhile I hadpulled the records n my Dr would testify no one would sue. So they got away with it. I have gotten myself out of my depression but all my family is gone... n I worked sp.much I have no friends. Life is sad for me.

Yes, my grand dad was in "rehab" after a femur break. He had played golf the week prior. Rehab nearly killed him. We sprung him and he came to my house with a visiting nurse/aide paid by medicare, grand mom had already been moved here. Grandpa was never happier. The bed sores healed and he had another good 8 months at my house dying from pneumonia. Grand mom was here 2.5 years and died because he was gone. They were over 100. That said, I had to place my mom in a group home last year. She had refused to move here or could commit to anything and ended up not being able to cook for herself and nearly dying and out of her mind.. Her health is built back up 6 months later. The group home has organized her meds correctly. I'm prepared to bring her back here if and when it is needed. It sounds like your mom would be thrilled to get out of a place she is struggling at. Use some of the money being spent now to hire help. It maybe some one to help you, like cleaning, laundry and yard work. Do not try to do it all. Trust your gut.

It wasn’t working for my mom as well, however, she was more socialized and engaged than when we lived together and before her moving to ALF. SO, I cancelled all of the extra care they were providing because they weren’t doing it consistently and mom could refuse. I got 2 caregivers to come in 2-6 every day (I only have 2 people so mom can get to know them and bond). She gets showers 3 times a week and lotions 7 days a week. She is taken to the activities she likes and sits with her friends. She is taken to dinner and back; brush teeth and then to bed (mom loves her bed). But if she doesn’t want to lay down; the tv is on for her and she can turn it off or the night med turns it off. I did get some insight on how certain ADL’s could be deducted from her taxes. The ALF RN evaluates her and talks to me about what I take care of. At this point, mom has 3 ADL’s that she cannot do and it is more than a year that she has been unable to do them. The evaluations details what mom is unable to do by herself but that her daughter handles that part of the care with caregivers or herself. I also have blink cameras in her apartment (she doesn’t have a roommate). She thinks the blink cameras are speakers. I didn’t ask permission, I just put them in. The facility finally decided to put signs up that say surveillance but mom doesn’t notice. I have an Alexa Show so I can drop in and she can call me (which she does). I set up her iPhone on a charging stand and zip tied it to the stand and plugged it in. I found that I can use a setting to have it answer automatically after 10 seconds (more or less as I wish) and announce who is calling. I also set it so only those in her contact list can get through to screen out the robo calls. I have breakfast and lunch served to her in her apartment. Mom is in a bubble and loves it. She also likes her “independence”. The cost went down a great deal when I didn’t have the extra’s. And even with the carers, it is not as much and mom has been enjoying having someone to show her around/watch TV with her/ do PT with her/take walks/and go through picture albums with her/ shower her and do her hair. She has vascular dementia and is moderate + depending on the day. I respectfully suggest trying something else than moving her in with you because depression sets in when not socializing. Mom has been in both situations (living with family and living in ALF) and loves her autonomy and friends in ALF.

See my post

Talk to her about the things facility said they would do and they aren't doing them. Food alone should make her want to be where she enjoys eating what she likes. And discuss that you want her taken better care of. If she's having all the difficulties you say, she may be very happy to go back "home".

I am really surprised walking her dog was part of the deal. (Was it only verbal or is it actually written into the contract?)

Even if you could hold their feet to the fire about what is WRITTEN in the contract, it will not fix all the problems: a remote she cannot figure out, her phone, taste/quality of the food, walking the dog as much as it needs. They can document they asked her to go to a social activity, but they can't make her go. More than likely the only things you will ever remedy with complaints is the showering schedule and the laundry.

My experience with assisted living for my father was extremely positive in that it provided him with actually more visits from my brother and myself, the ability to dine with others who served in WW2, recreation, and privacy when he wanted plus a staff that took care of his needs. And, any time I saw or was informed of a deficiency, I was on it, and it was remedied asap. So, I am inclined to suggest that another facility or venue could be the answer, but your mother will have remote control/telephone issues wherever she goes. However, if finances are really the issue, then that would not work well because they all cost. Because AL is not "home," there are some who have real issues with it no matter how good it is. There are also some children who find the monitoring of a declining parent in AL even more of a burden because of a degree of lack of control than having that parent live with them at home. Both of these experiences can take their toll. I have also seen the situation of the parent getting attention through extreme negativity. I am not suggesting that is what is going on in your case because you are the one very much disappointed in the level of care your mother is receiving for the fees. In the end, attitude, acceptance, persistence, finances, and advocacy for your parent's best situation will determine your choice. Nothing has to be carved in stone.

I am puzzled about how dogs are allowed into al at all withou a 247 pet rider. As a former animal shelter worker of a decade, I’ll say they are extremely labor intensive. The support staff was hired at just above minimum wage to do things like toilet people, not their dog.

Not sure why your mom requested to be moved. You did state that she likes her own space. Sometimes our elderly can feel that they are a burden or doing us a favor by moving to a facility. I would not tell your mom that she is moving home, nor tell her at this point that that is what you wish. Give it a trial stay by having her stay with you several nights and hopefully, extend….
I suggest YOU telling her that YOU miss her and have her come stay with you overnight for a few days.
Give her as much space / privacy / alone time as possible.
if she has favorite hobbies, recipes to cook, tv shows - slowly ask her to participate with you on one of these activities.
Keep reinforcing how much you have missed her at your home.
*I understand Alf are wonderful in many cases, but I worked in a high end facility that the top executives cared only for the money they received - it made me emotionally ill to see the disrespect of our elderly.
if the Alf is not doing what they promised they would, I highly doubt things will change. Staffing issues due to poor pay is often an issue.
our elderly deserve our respect, love and compassion. it is an honor to be entrusted with a loved one.

My husband was in nursing hone 7 1/2 years. It finally got to point that constant haggling with them to do basic care was far more exhausting than bringing him home and doing.

You can hire a lot of help for way less than monthly cost of assisted living.

Hiring help through an agency is very expensive. We had good luck hiring through NextDoor and Craig’s list. You have to do background checks yourself, but there are good people out there.

It helps my husband to have something to keep his mind occupied. We got the biggest TV that would fit in room as eyesight not so good. Then multiple streaming services that can focus in on shows and series he likes. Additionally got Audible and headphones so he can listen to books on topics he likes.

Dog walkers can be hired. Dogs are an enormous comfort to seniors..

Hope the very best for your family. It is hard.

Reread Red Van Annie and isthisreallyreal comments. Is this about her or her money really or is she incompetent to make her own decisions?

Doesn't sound like she or the dog like it. She may feel she isn't a burden by living there. You can move her home, get some help at home occasionally so you can bop, or whatever. Or tell her your complaints and that you want to move her home until you find a place that lives up to their promise. We are in assisted living, ain't heaven, but I couldn't ever make those complaints about it.

Prayers sent.

Assisted living is not well defined. It is not licensed. It is for able bodied adults who do not want to cook but generally able to independently operate. Most "assistance" is meal prep and meal clean up, bed linen change and light housekeeping of apartment. The benefit is the social engagement and the slower pace. I had my own mother in assisted living and the staff are not knowledgable about care. It was a nightmare. I ended up transferring my Mom, post eye surgery, to a very nice nursing home that addressed her memory impairment issues. That did not end my involvement. If you return your Mom home, check for local senior activity centers so she gets the socialization she needs. They often provide transportation to and fro. Hire someone to help with bath if that is an issue for you. The care of our elders is demanding. The other option is to hire a RN care coordinator. You could also consider hiring a dog walker and see if that can extend her stay at the assisted living facility. I spent 10 years caring for my Mother as she aged through the system. It doesn't get any easier.

If you feel it's the right thing, it probably is.
Hopefully you will be able to convince your mom that it is.
I take my 94 year old mom to a senior center twice per week and she loves it.
She will be safer and healthier with you.

It's a very hard decision. You want what's best for her. As for the tech, maybe an easy phone and remote would help.
Ask her what she wants to do.

If you bring her back, hire help and find good day programs for socializing.

Just a heads up. Don’t take it personally if she doesn't appreciate all you do. Things are difficult for her.

She eventually might need memory care down the road.

Big hug

I know exactly what you are going through. I was placed in assisted living after 9 months in the hospital. I have a little dog, and a food allergy that kills me if I have soy. (Thats in 95%of processed food) The showers were minimal. They forgot about my food allergy I had to use my epi pen. It was not cool. Finally there was a fire, I'm like I'm outta here. Look up the food, in facilities it's the lower quality than food sold in stores and that's allowed. She will understand.

My suggestion is for you to rent a small condo or apartment in a senior (55+) community, there should be some social activities planned by the residents/committees and provide a home health personal or companion care (depending on her health and abilities) from an agency or independent worker until the care hours per week exceeds 40 hours per week (when the care cost starts to equal ALF). then you may have to rethink the strategy and maybe have her move back in with you.   
The place is not living up to their contract – I can relate to that. My parents (90+) are moving back to their own home and will have in-home personal care after 16 months at a beautiful, resort like (and pricey) ALF. Their needs exceed the services that are provided – there is an adequate care plan in place (on paper) but due to their short staff, it is not being followed and we have had to provide the additional care givers (out of pocket) to keep them safe. I was prepared for increasing costs with the increasing levels of care needed as they age (I am reasonable), but not willing to pay for increasing levels of care without increasing service.  I have observed that there is a lot of additional care givers at this facility, I understand this is common practice in Northern Virginia. Pendent alerts go unanswered for far longer than what is the facility publishes as their standard.  Some of the staff are not aware of the level of care assigned, care plans so there is communication issues between staff and supervisory.  
On food, I have them places sauces on the side and that helps a lot, I also request  ½ portions and add snacks through the day because a generous plate of just overwhelms them when they think they have to eat all of it (which they don’t).