Hello, we are thinking to involve APS regarding current situation with my mother and appreciate any advise from those you had similar cases. My mother is 81 years old and she has been diagnosed with Alzheimer's disease in the last 5 years. She is living with her 85 years old husband who sometimes demonstrates hostile behavior against my mother and does not allow her home attendant to fully take care of her. We wanted to get advice on how to protect the interests of my mother, find an amicable solution for both of them and prevent a potential crisis. One of the option available is APS involvement and wanted first to get full information on how helpful they are based on the real stories.
Now, as for my own experience with APS: it was futile. I reported a sibling after finding proof that he had guilted Mom out of all of her money, over $50k even AFTER she bought him a house, all in the same year. This happened a year before I arrived in town, and I discovered it a year after I arrived. APS first told me they had closed the case (without letting me know) because they won't pursue an abuser who lives in another state, even though he's just 20 min away. He continued to get Mom aside and lay guilt and pitiful stories on her, this time trying to get her physical assets since he'd drained her accounts. So, I contacted APS again.
This time they told me that they only pursue caregivers, which, in our case, had just become me. So, it appears that APS in our state says whatever is necessary to avoid having to do their job.
And along those lines, I had a federal job some years ago, and realized that I was one of about 10% of employees who actually did their job on days we were in the field. We were given ratings and mine were higher than everyone else's. But instead of being inspired by that, one of the supervisors sought to bring me down by writing on my quarterly narrative that he thought I'd copied it from a book. He didn't expect me to find out, but the report was returned to me so I was furious and spent 2 months filing paperwork to have a mtg with his superiors. He denied that it was him who wrote that , so I pulled out my microcassette recorder and played back our argument where he admitted to doing it and even said he wanted to get rid of me. Their response was to tell him never to do it again and that was that.
That's government workers for you.....at least the ones I've dealt with, though I'm sure there are exceptions to that rule.
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My husband told his father that he had contacted APS.
They visited my in laws and did nothing. MIL was a very good housekeeper. The house was immaculate. MIL loved people. I am sure she was very welcoming as FIL would also be. They had a nice visit and left.
Truth was, FIL also had dementia. We didn’t know this at this time. SIL did and protected her father to her mothers detriment. ( We lived out of town. SIL took parents to the doctor. No problem letting us know of MIL diagnosis but not FILS. Hind sight 20 20. We should have known).
So I think you have to make them very aware of the reality of the situation. In InLaws area I’m sure there were others who appeared to be in much worse shape. So it made us think (without any confirmation) that it is relevant to what else the APS folks are dealing with.
If I had it to do over again, I like to think I would have picked up my MIL and taken her home with me. Of course I had no authority to do that and she probably would not have wanted to go.
It is a tough situation.
If you think your Mom would go with you, would her husband care or object? It’s sad that we think of our parents being under the control of their spouses when it appears they need rescuing.
If you call them, ask under what circumstances they take action.
It was very hard for my husband to do this to his father. Afterwards he felt like he had done all he could.
I took my MIL to the dermatologist and got the skin cancer treated. I took her to get her eyes checked. That sounds so simple but at the time it was a big deal in the family. My husband and his siblings wouldn’t dare.
My own Dad was in the hospital dying when I took MIL to have the skin cancer removed. I was determined to see that it got taken care of. She lived three more years.
You can involve APS, but they will come in, and if they find abuse, you must do as they say. They may advise removing one or both from the situation. Decisions will still need to be made by your family and also his family. Caseworkers will be involved and possibly even the police. If you put this in motion and do contact APS, be prepared to make decisions quickly and follow through on them. They can be relentless.