Any only children out there that are soooooooo emotionally spent?

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Any only children out there that are soooooooo emotionally spent?

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I am an only child, with no children, a wonderful husband who I am trying to protect from all of my mother's drama. I have a 88 year old mom who is physically healthy. She has always been independent, and when my dad died 15 years ago, she accepted and moved on. I had only been married a month, and it was no problem at old. Fast forward 15 years later, she had a little health blip about a year and a half ago, and it has been an emotional roller coaster for me daily. I love her, and I visit her in her own home every other day. I call her or she calls me alot during the day. I try to hide those phone calls from my husband. I am alway taking out the trash or going down stairs to do something to speak with her briefly. I feel sorry for her because she is sooooooo extremely lonely. She has outlived her friends and her family only cares about themselves. I guess I have an emotional outburst every time I see her. She has no emotion at all. I have tears streaming or having outbursts, and it doesn't effect her. She can't try or even get mad. All she says to me all the time is that she would be so much better if she moved in with my husband and I. I tell her daily that that will never happen. She keeps saying it. I have told her and told her. I have hung up the phone, I have thrown a fit, and it doesn't phase her. I tell her I will not give up my marriage for her. I love her but she doesn't love me enough to stop saying it.

I told her I would talk to my husband and visit her daily to help. I told her I could retire. I told her I could hire a companion. No to it all except moving in with us. There is something with she and I that I can't figure out. I tell her that. I pretty much tell her everything I feel. I told her that one good thing going through this is to maybe work out what our deep down problem is before one of us die. We love each other, but not until she has started behaving like this, did we ever hug or tell each other we love each other. I, like you, am emotionally drained. I pray for her, I pray with her daily. Nothing ever changes.

When she visits our house for dinner, about once a month, my husband thinks all of this may be my imagination cause she seems okay. Not quite as spunky as she use to be. I tell him, believe me, you have no idea. I just keep it to myself, because he went through some things with his mom, and I just want to protect him from this problem. She is physically healthy other wise. We worries about everything. She has financial resources, but she has regrets not spending her money on things. She spent it on me and my dad, but really her. Now she is looking back and hates everything. She hates her house, trees, leaves, bills, being alone, not having any friends. Sometimes, I think me. I tell her that too. She is miserable, and she was never like that. She has always been hard on me, so what I do for her, she doesn't like. I try so hard to please her. I guess I always have. I tell her that too. I tell her things through our lives together that hurt me. When I was born, she had Post Partum depression, and I think it is back. I have told her doctor, and she just says that it is a difficult situation. She is in her right mind (no dementia or anything; she actually helps me remember stuff and she does her own checkbook in her head. I check behind her) The doctor said that we can't make her take meds to help. When she gets upset about money or things, she starts chattering. Anyway, I just need to just get this out for someone to read this and know I am not all alone. Being an only child with a sick parent is hard. I thought losing my dad from Cancer was tough, but this is so much worse. Thanks for reading. see less

Burnout Care Decisions Mom Working Caregiver

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No you are not alone, I care for my Mother in law, she has 4 children and my husband and I are the only ones who take care of here it is physically, emotionally and mentally exhausting
I am there at least 3 days a week and we are by every day and on weekends 3, 4 and 5 times a day she's so lonely. She has arthritis and has trouble getting around sometimes she makes it out worse that it is, she refuses to go to the doctor for anything, from my research she has Dementia and alzheimers but as I said refuses a doc and wouldn't take any meds given to her
If you would like to talk further just ask for my contact info

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I was also an only, it’s tough. I agree that you should stick firm with Mom that she cannot move in with you. If she would move to AL or other senior living arrangements she may not be as lonely as living in a house she says she hates. You need to stop hiding what Mom is doing to you from your husband. You need a support system and he needs to see what Mom’s demands are doing to you. You also need to walk away when Mom starts down that path. Remind her it is a closed discussion and if she continues you will need to end the conversation. Let her know that you would be happy to help her find different living arrangements as long as they are not in your home.

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I didn't read down but are there funds for AL? Although she may say no way the fact that she is lonely and seems to not want to isolate could make her a good candidate. Often with elders there is resistance but they can and do adjust and overall their health is best cared for and the devoted person you are which is admirable needs a break. Every day is just too much and can cause a dependency that is not beneficial. I think my mother in AL can at times be bored but she does avail herself of numerous daily reading materials which she does in a lobby sitting with others. In my mind that is good because she is leaving her room. I just know as she ages she is in such a better environment medically,socially and general health wise with the ability to see a nurse practioner at short notice. She also can ride an exercise bike at least 5 times a week.

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First of all, what about opening up to your husband so he is fully aware of what is going on and your feelings and thoughts. You may need his backup one day and it is best he knows as you go along before something goes wrong big time. Second, do NOT take her into your home. People who do this will have their lives changed completely. Seek out possible assisted living or some other place where she might be able to make new friends. And try to get a Power of Attorney so you can step in if she starts screwing up with money. Please do this now before you go off the deep end.

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I would advise a low dose anti depressant, I call mom’s vitamins. I went with Mom to a church and got her into a Bible class, then Lunch after.
she also liked singing in the Senior choir. Also, we went together for pedicures, once per month, and a local beauty school every other week.
Make sure you have date nights with your hubs, and give him attention, as well.
my hubs was similar to yours,
I finally had a heart to heart, this won’t be forever at 88 years old. You don’t want to have regrets. I went ahead and retired, so that I would have energy for myself and my family.
I would not move your Mother in with you, If your husband is against it, you will both be unhappy. You are in charge, now that your Mom is Elderly, do what is best for you, while still spending some time with her.

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Yea, I get it. Mine are both alive, but they have money problems and are dysfunctional. I do the opposite and stay away as much as possible.

I have looked into some senior retirement homes. The ones I liked the best was you buy the house then pay 300 for HOA fees. They have a director that helps keep everyone busy and happy. Kinda pricey.

The other choice is a retirement home. Same thing happen but you do not own the place. Both places will feed you and entertain them.

My Mother was always to busy to play. She always had to work so we could eat. Very hard now when she wants to hang out. I do understand. My father is a drunk and angry. Nasty to be around but she won't leave. Let you'r husband know what is going on, he could be a great help. Besides, secrets in a marriage is bad.

Good luck.

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I might be misunderstanding the situation, but it seems like she is very isolated and basically you fill up her day. So naturally she would want to come live with you. If there was a nice independent living community where she could meet other independent elders, that would be a place she could maybe meet new friends and explore some interests. Right now it seems like you are her world and that's it.
Also, if she sold her house and picked out the place she wanted to live, it might give her some satisfaction that she is using her money for herself with things of her choosing.

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Imho, you should not let her live with you.

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I am an only child and cared for my Mom for 17 years on and off, then the last 2 were very difficult. She was bedridden in my home on hospice before she passed away over 4 yrs. ago. Then my husband became an only child when his only sibling died 3 yrs. ago...leaving us once again to care for MIL, 89. She passed away on Mother's Day....It is hard when all falls onto one person. I can only say I wish you strength during this time, and hopefully a good solution can be had to your mom's living situation.

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Thank you and sorry for your loss

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You cannot "protect your husband" on the one hand and on the other tell him "you have no idea." Who does it help, and how, to conceal phone calls from him? Not you, not your mother, not him.

You cannot see your mother cope perfectly well with widowhood for over a decade, then have a health blip followed immediately by a RADICAL CHANGE in mood and behaviour, and think the problem is that she's got a bit lonely.

You surely cannot suppose that your previously rational and capable mother is now utterly unable to follow the pros and cons of decision-making because of a recurrence of post partum depression.

What was the "little health blip"?

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She had a bleeding ulcer that no one new she had , after taking her to her doctor and emergency rooms numerous times . It was like no one really cared about helping a 88 year old .

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I haven't read all the responses, but I'll share my 2 cents here anyway. I too am an only child (I actually have a half brother whom I didn't know exists until 10 years ago, but he can't help). My dad had a stroke one month after my divorce papers came through. He was in and out of hospitals and facilities -- and I'd live with mom or she'd live with me -- until I got both parents into AL. Mom hated it, so we moved them to my aunt's house in Ecuador for a few months for a change of pace. It's now been 1.5 years and I've moved here too because it became too much for my aunt. I now share an apartment with mom and dad and we have aides that come in and do 24-hour shifts for the physical stuff and meds. I burned out the other day (it would have been my 25th wedding anniversary and it reminded me of all that I've lost in the last 5 years). Anyway, here's my thoughts: Don't keep your husband out of this; you need his emotional support. Just because you're sharing doesn't mean you're asking him to take it on. Having someone close and supportive to discuss things with is a blessing (I don't have that. My kids are on another continent and have their own lives). Second, I agree with everyone who says move mom into independent living. Especially BEFORE she has a major health crisis, because it's MUCH harder to make all these huge decisions and engineer a move AFTER the crisis. Find a place that is a CCRC, or resembles it: a combination of IL/AL/nursing, so she can move into different parts of the facility as her needs increase. It's more common now for developers to build an AL/memory care combination, but that could work too; you just pay for more services as her needs increase. She will guilt you but you must stand firm. I'm actively trying to get mom and dad back to the US and back into AL, so I can have a life and a paying job again (and see my kids). But this godforsaken virus has interrupted that process. Hopefully in the next couple of months I can stilll make it happen. because I CANNOT do this for the next 10 years. Good luck.

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Thank you and good luck to you as well .

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It is time for your mom to move to an independent living apartment if she has the finances for it.

Moving in with you won't change her loneliness. She imagines a life where you will devote your days to her entertainment - going on unnecessary errands, engaging her in small talk all day and night. It sounds like your interactions often result in conflict and high emotion. Why would you want that all day, every day? It's unhealthy for you both.

Go pick out a nice senior living place that she can afford and take her for a tour (after you've already seen it and checked out all the details). Then, move her in. She'll make friends, she'll have her meals and cleaning and socializing all taken care of. You can visit frequently and enjoy your happy mom.

Don't expect that she won't give you a guilt trip over it though. Ignore that part.

Don't move her in with you and stop discussing it with her as if it's an option.

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Thank you , and yes , a day doesn’t go by that I don’t either have a crying explosion or a throwing a fit explosion. I know she she lives me but she is so hard on me ; always has been . I can never do anything, I means anything right . I tell her all thee time how I feel . I really hate how I act cause that’s not me , but it just comes out . Thanks for listening

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Sorry to hear this, I am NOT an only child but I have one brother who lives half hour away. I pretty much take care of my mom, 92. Have you thought about getting her some puzzles to work on? I don't know if I would hide everything from your hubby, not a good thing to do, however I would just let your mother know that there is no way you have room, time or energy to have her spend time with you and that is the end of the subject. Tell her if she continues to harp on the subject, find some brochures on a place that has independent living close to other seniors that way she might find some consolation that others are alone too but can't move in with their children. IF you break down and let her move in...........be prepared to give up your married life. It sounds terrible to say that but she will want all of your attention 24/7. wishing you luck.

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Sounds like you and I had the same experiences throughout our lives with our respective mothers. I tried fixing our relationship during the last years of her "good" mental health, but nothing worked and then she developed dementia halting any possible reconciliation. I still grieve over that unfortunate and heartbreaking end.

While your mother may not have dementia, it sounds like she may have depression again. Perhaps you could have her evaluated? Meds may help, but having her go out to social environments may also assist. These may include church people, adult day care centers, exercise or yoga classes, swimming ... something where she interacts with others besides you.

Since your issues haven't been resolved, I would NOT recommend her moving in with you ... even if you lived alone. I would keep the boundaries you've set for yourself to keep yourself as mentally healthy as possible. You may want to find a minister or therapist or group to let out your pent up emotions.

Suggestions: One thing I have learned is not to give up Power of Attorney! Make sure you have a Living Will and a DNR completed by your mother while her mind is still intact.

Take care of yourself first ... just like they say on the airline. If you don't have your mask on, you cannot save others. I wish you the best.

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Thank you . I know my mother loves and has always loved me . She just didn’t really know how to show me and I am trying to talk to her and let her know how I feel . She has no clue . I really was never hugged by either of my parents or told they loved me. They bought me stuff . Not until my dad was terminally ill , that one day , over 25 years ago, was I getting ready to leave their house and I heard from the den , the words I longed to hear , I love you . We said that to watch other then on . I’m in that now with my mom . We hug , kiss and tell each other we love each other , that’s a good thing but there is a lot of sadness and damage coming out from my feelings , crying or having emotional melt downs , like I was a kid again . I guess you could can that I feel like I have no control . I told her the other day that we loved each other but I don’t think we really like each other . She just looked at me . I cry all the trine and she can’t cry or have any feelings, other than worry, at all .
thanks for listening

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I am an only child as well. As I read your letter, I thought I could have written this myself! My father passed away from cancer 6 years ago. My Mom's biggest problem seems to be her memory. It comes and goes. She, too, would like to move in with my husband and I. She doesn't say it too often, but has made the accusation that my husband is the reason she can't. The real reason is that she absolutely makes me go mad after a few days with me. I love my mom with all my heart, but after her last few visits, I realized it wasn't going to work for her to live here with us. She has lived on the family farm for over 50 years and as hard as it was, I have her now living in an assisted living facility. She has a brother who lives nearby and wanted her near him and until the pandemic visited her every day. I drove 4 hours to visit her once a week. I now take care of all her affairs, taxes, run the farm along with taking care of my husband who has congestive heart failure and unable to do much of anything. I am, like you, feeling overwhelmed, and that's putting it mildly. My mother has always been an active, social person and I thought she would have a good time meeting new friends, (she also has a good friend living just a few doors down from her), but she refuses to talk to anyone, including the staff. She packs all her things at night and is sure she has someone coming to take her home in the morning. It makes me cry, but in my heart, I know she is in the best place she could be. She has all her meals made for her, maid service, laundry done, all kinds of planned activities (of which she doesn't take advantage of). All in all, I know she is safe, and I don't have to worry if she is ok. I got her an iPad and we talk and see each other once every day. I had to take her phone since her friends were complaining that she was calling them 5-6 times a day and not remembering that she had already talked to them several times that day.
Sounds like your mom is still very with it and a rather strong willed lady. Stand your ground. Don't give in to her living with you as no one will end up happy in that situation. It might have worked with the Waltons, but not for most of us. Please don't feel guilty, or worry yourself sick. Do what you can and feel good about that.

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Thank you . It is so hard being an only child . Good luck to you as well .

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I took care of my mom when she got Alzheimer's and I wasn't alone; my brother and his wife and my sister were involved and still it was very difficult. She suddenly passed away from a heart attack on September 27, 2019. And now I miss her very much and I wish I could see her again one more time but she is gone to the next life. I believe in reincarnation and it's still very difficult not to be able to see her anymore. Just think that one day it will happen and all you will have is some pictures and videos and your memories about good times with her. Don't be afraid of your husband. She is your only mother and you will never have another.

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It sounds like you were lucky to have extra support in your Mom's care. But even with that extra support it is very difficult caring for an Alzehiema patient.
Some like your Mom, do pass away fairly quickly, but a friend of my new, her Dad lived like that for close to 15 years. You know, I had heard that when a person starts to mentally decline, they do know before hand. As for me, if this is true, I don't know whether I would want to live like that, and in a way( a big way) upset my daughter's life for that length of time.
That sounds terrible, I know. But it's my choice and I already have made that decision.

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Focus on yourself and your husbands best interests, schedule therapy for yourself as we all know the only person you can change is yourself. Get ear plugs and download music you love to play for yourself while your around her. My mother moved in with me 9 years ago and has no intentions of moving to AL which makes me stuck! 40% of the time it's all good but, 60% is filling me with some resentment. I have 4 sisters that only help in a rare pinch. I'm elderly myself and I drive a pickup which she can't get into anymore (thank you Lord) and 3 of them switch taking her to appointments maybe 5 times a year. Your wishes are falling on deaf ears with her and trust me when I tell you "DO NOT" move her in. Also, let your husband in on the game she's playing. Sometimes another person can explain the options easier than the grown child.

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I hope this note will somewhat help you. One question though. Why are you keeping all of this from your husband? You love each other, and you would want to know & help him if the situation was reversed. What are you protecting him from?
Even if he had a rough time with his parents, you two should be in this together.
Sometimes, just an ear to vent to. Your hiding your feelings & emotions from the one you love. You & your Mom have issues from long ago. If possible, when this virus crap is over, maybe contact your local church or senior center. Sometimes having some heart to heart talks with a 3rd party present, brings out everything. As for her moving in with you? No. She is capable & has her own home. And, most importantly, she is compartality in good health.
Sure, as we age, things come along, but your Mom's condition mainly seems to be lonliess. That is depressing in itself. When able, take her to the senior center or churches & libraries. They ALL have many events, clubs, etc, and one just might interest her.
Look, I know it's not easy.
But your putting this ALL on your shoulders, & that was your decision. But, you say you have a good husband. He is not a child to be cuddled & protected. If you were Ill would he stay by your side & help you along, or would he run like hell?
If you know in your heart that he would run, then maybe you should rethink your own marriage, not the problem with your Mom.

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My mom is a narcissist or has some similar type of personality disorder. Our relationship has never been good and she has been very damaging in my life. I will never live with her. Not even for a day in my home or hers. It sounds like you are really trying to resolve old issues with your mom but I am not sure you will ever get there. Good luck and take care of yourself!

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Thank you . This situation day after day has brought out a lot of my past hurt , missing out on a loving nurturing mom . She was a good mom growing up but hard on me . I cried a lot growing up . I use to say and even told her the other day that in my dad’s eyes I could do no wrong and in her eyes , I could never do anything right . She just looks at me . She has always been very hard on me with expectations of perfectionism . I know she and my dad loved me . This love language to me was to buy me things . I had a lot of nice things . I do that to myself as being and adult . I buy myself stuff to make me feel better . To love myself . I don’t ever really remember she saying she was proud of me . In my household, we didn’t tell each other we loved each other or hugged or kissed . When my dad has diagnosed terminal , he told me one day as I was leaving their house , which was 15 years ago, that he loved me . We told each other daily afterwards. No regrets. My mom and I do tell each other daily now . I have emotional outbursts when I go see her . I wait her cry the entire time , which she can’t at all , or I’m getting angry. That is not me . I guess I feel I just don’t know what to do . She is miserable. I hate it but I’m doing my best . If I do anything for her , it never is right . That is when I have my melt downs . I told her the other day we loved each other but we didn’t like each other . She just looked at me . All she does is worry about the past . She hates everything. She has lots of money and she regrets not doing something with it . Now she and my dad spent it on me . Anyway , thanks for listening. Good luck with your situation too .

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You may end up being single if you let your mom live with you. The secret phone calls were my clue. I am not an only child but one of four siblings but I might as well be an only child. None of my other siblings lift a finger in dad's care. It is all on me. I've been at this for 5-1/2 years. He went from his house to AL but he still owns the house. My husband got tired of hearing about my dad long ago but luckily I have the help of a good counselor to listent to me. I would never let him live with my husband and I. The weekly Saturday visits are bad enough (which hasn't happened for 2 months). My husband comments on this situation a lot and it is a source of tension between us. I try to keep dad separate from the rest of my life but that is nearly impossible as guardian and conservator. I would think this decision through CAREFULLY. It is about boundariies. You have to set some. It is OK to say 'no'. You have to take care of you first.

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Thank you . My husband didn’t have good parents at all and when his mom got old , she like to have driven him crazy . He just can’t handle stuff like that . I told my mom Thant God comes first , then my marriage, then her . She just looks at me . I only tell my husband that my mom has a broken brain . I will not burden him with this . He always asks about her when I go to see her every other day but I just repeat her name . That’s it . When he sees her , about once a month , she comes to eat, she acts pretty normal . He will day your mom is doing good and all I say is that it is an act , and you have no idea . Anyway , thanks for listening

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I’m an only child who feels a lot of stress from caregiving - I can recommend seeing a therapist (many do Telehealth appts now - you can find someone on Psychology Today therapists listing) to help you gain the strength and skills to set necessary limits and overcome your guilt and depression related to your mom. Also I recommend this book available on Amazon for Kindle or it looks like they have one remaining hardcover book: “Coping with your Difficult Older Parent” by LeBow and Kane (2000). I agree with those here who encourage you not to enter into conversations that you’ve had many times before but sometimes we need counseling or therapy to help accomplish these sets of changes. The fact is that because your mom has financial resources and does not have dementia, she needs to help herself more. I’ve had some success with my 91-yr-old dad on this - if I step back and refuse to solve everything he’s complaining about and turn off the conversations that are really just whining, he sometimes solves his own problems and feels a little bit better. You can try to remember she’s a fairly capable adult and treat her more that way - it’s tough, though! If you let go more and ignore her more she might decide to ask for your help to find a senior living place or hire a companion - who knows what she might achieve if she can’t rely on you all the time? Do try the book I mentioned above - very helpful, Good luck!

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Thank you so much

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I'm an only child as well and understand how hard it is to feel the full-weight of being the only close family for an elderly mother (86 yo), although my mother does have dementia. I have had to make some extremely hard decisions to move my mother from MO to CO and from assisted living to memory care in the last 2 years. I also got married(2nd time) last year and understand wanting to protect and preserve a marriage in the midst of helping an aging parent.
I agree with the answers that discuss setting (and learning about/developing) boundaries. My mother and I have had a difficult relationship since I was a teen and my father and she divorced. I moved out of state when I went to college and that helped preserve a semblance of a mother-daughter relationship. The physical boundary helped me set the emotional boundary that was needed. What is important to remember is that there is no cookie-cutter mother-daughter relationship that we all should aspire to. It sounds like you are carrying a lot of guilt about what kind of daughter you "should" be and being the kind of person you are. You obviously love and care for your mother and you certainly don't need to let her move in with you to prove it to anyone. I agree that having her move in would put a stress on your marriage especially since right now you don't seem to have clear cut boundaries with her (nor she with you!). If she has no underlying dementia and is financially independent then she can certainly take responsibility for her happiness and unhappiness and figure out how she wants to live the rest of her years. That she has become dependent upon you for her happiness is really not healthy. You don't say what kind of health "blip" occurred but that that was when your relationship seemed to change. I think it would be a great idea if you are able to discuss this with a mental health professional. And with the pandemic there are more options to do it via video/phone. I would also recommend not cutting your husband out of the loop or hiding things as that can deeply harm a relationship like nothing else. I would lessen interactions as others have said. Don't be the one to call. If she calls don't always answer right away or call back right away. You are an adult with a full life to manage. Manage your life, you don't have to manage hers(thankfully!). And I think it is helpful to take a step back periodically when you feel yourself getting emotional- maybe try mindfulness or meditation?- and look at the dynamic between you two from an objective perspective. What would you recommend if this was happening to your best friend and her mother? Distance a bit emotionally and physically to get perspective. Be kind to yourself and fill your life with what feeds you emotionally. That is what any loving, healthy parent would want for you and since your mother currently isn't playing that part you might need to do that for yourself. Wishing you the best!

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Yes, we have to be our own living parent when our actual parent cannot be that for us! Love this answer and insightful suggestions for onlychild55.

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I am an only child who took care of my mother. I think your biggest stressor here is the fact that you have to hide the phone calls from your husband to your mother. Why is this? You say her drama, but you having to sneak around makes it worse. If your husband can’t handle aging and all the things that go with it, I don’t know if I would be making him that important. I am most sure that if his mother was going through this you would support him better than he’s supporting you right now. We all have to deal with aging parents at one time or another, this is to be understood. It’s an irritant if you have to take the garbage out to talk to your mother and that weighs on a person. I would have your mother go to adult day care centers, where she can meet new friends, that would help considerably because I think she is using you as her source for entertainment, which is why she wants to move in. If she is still independent then she is not ready to move in with you yet or you’re not at that point yet. She’s just bored. She needs to get involved with something. At first my mother rebelled against the adult day centers, then she lived for it and absolutely loved it. It’s the best thing you can do, I know I will do this when I am that age.

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Even if you had a sibling or two, it does not mean they would help. My brother does absolutely nothing and it creates resentment on my part which I have prayed about and God has helped me with. I only have one child myself and I think about this a lot. If I become incapacitated in any way, I will not expect her to take on my care. In taking care of my own mother, I know how draining and depressing it can be and I will never put that upon my daughter. We can't expect someone to give up their freedom, their time, their money, their marriages, their happiness just because we don't want to be alone or go into assisted living or a nursing home. I know the closeness that a mother and daughter can have...my daughter is the light of my life and my best friend, which is exactly why I won't be selfish and do that to her.

Hopefully your mom will want more for you and not want to burden you and stress your marriage. She is at the end of her life and she is scared and angry and lonely. There are many other women in her situation in assisted living and she might make a friend or two. Is there a day center she can go to a couple of times a week to get used to the idea of socializing with someone other than you? Counseling maybe?

I don't agree with some of the other posters that suggest that just because you were born and she raised you that somehow you're supposed to give up your life to take care of her now. There are facilities for that and you can visit her every day if you want to and still keep your marriage, your job, and your sanity....
Don't let anyone, not even your mother, guilt you into doing something you don't want to do.
Good Luck.

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Thank you so much

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No you don’t need to move her in. I have one daughter and I would never want or expect her to take care of me later in life. We have a great relationship and I love her dearly but if I get to a point where I can’t take care of myself I’m going to assisted living or getting in home care. Even if she wanted to I would say no thank you. I hope she would visit regularly but no, I want her to have her own life. I never want the roles switched.

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Me, too!!

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God bless you.

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When you were a baby..did your.mom throw you out to the wolves or did she take care of you. She took care of you until you were able to walk, then she took care of you through elementary school, then she dealt with your wild emotions in high school. How would you have become the person you are with out her. Now it is her turn. She is scared.,lonely. Not your fault her friends have died. But if she moved in with you..could you sell her home and build an add on to your existing home so that she could be close but have her privacy.. What ever you do dont put her in a nursing home. After this corona virus. Hardly any one is safe in a nursing home. Require she attend two to three social events at the day health center for seniors so she can make new friends. Set boundaries. It is not too much to ask to move in with you. Who will take care of you when you are elderly.

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Choosing to have a baby and caring for that child is NOT the same as providing in home care for an aging parent. Sorry, the analogy doesn’t equate and the original poster didn’t come here to have guilt heaped on, but to find support.

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I am not an only, but I AM the only female, so I get it. My mom relies on me for everything and I assumed the role because I retired before my brothers. Shortly after my dad passed, mom was dx’d with macular degeneration. She had already gone blind in one eye (from measles as a child). Fast forward 22 years. Mom is 94 and is legally blind, can’t hear and has mild-mod dementia and has sundowners frequently, but not everyday. She is living independently in a senior living facility. She receives meals daily. But every other facet of her life, financial, medical, entertainment (slim to none since Covid), is on me. However, the one thing that has made a huge difference is a $40 camera my husband installed in her apartment where I can see her anytime I want. It gives me great piece of mind to check in on her. If she gets her meds confused (a daily occurrence since she doesn’t place them in the same place twice), she can hold a bottle to the camera and I can help her. I’ve ‘looked’ at bruises, bleeds, lumps and bumps since she seems to think that everything that crops up on her body is a life threatening condition. My mom originally balked at the camera, but when I told her it was for my piece of mind, she backed off. It’s something to consider. It may be helpful to you in relaxing the number of calls you make to her daily. I think you’ll find your mom does better than she lets on. I found that out since getting the camera.

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Well, I think that's a great idea. I never thought of a camera. I didn't think the facilities allowed it.
I think it's the best idea I have heard of in a long time.

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Wow....I don't normally answer here, just lerk but I feel I must say something. I have a brother who lives an hour away. I am the sole caretaker for my mom. My parents were married 71 years, Mom never lived alone and has slight dementia. She could live alone, but would not take proper care of herself. Everyone told me to place her in AL when my dad got sick in January. I am so co-dependent, I just couldn't do that. My husband and I moved in with her and with the pandemic, I am so glad. Mom is very sweet, obedient, compliant, but also needy. Much of the way I care for her is on me because I am going to have to deal with the consequences. I would be willing to talk privately about those issues. My point: play the tape to the end, How are you going to feel when she dies? Are you going to be able to say "I did the best I could"? Can you have an honest and open discussion with your husband about your fears, concerns, and the care of your mom? Hiding things never works out well. You are not responsible for his reaction. I gave my husband a few days to chew on moving in with mom after dad died. He asked a few questions, but he thought long and hard about what this all means. I realize not everyone has a husband like mine. When we moved in, I stopped working and she is now my J O B. I took over her finances and I am getting paid for my services.
It is not easy.......but I had to pick my poison. I take good care of myself. I have a sitter come in when I need a break. I don't believe that moving in will be the worst decision ever made. But, it will put you in a better position to make a move toward AL. Are there any day programs she could attend? This is a tough time to try to do anything like that, but for future reference. I would be willing to talk privately. Taking care of my parents was a privilege. Both Dad and Mom were so appreciative of anything I did/do. I will never regret doing all I could. I know others who do not feel this way. Good luck, keep the Faith but also be true to YOU!

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I love your positive reply. I know that a lot of folks have selfish, abusive parents, and I think that is why it is so difficult for them.

They can't help but love their parents (as do a lot of abused - physically and verbally - children, as that is who they depend on growing up).

Even though we are adults, we may still feel like children when we are around abusive, nasty parents. And, I empathize with them and agree they need to seek help.

I am an "only", as both of my younger brothers have passed away. I have been caring for my mom for four years. She fell and fractured her neck and I had to move her from Ohio to California. She had very mild memory loss prior, but after the accident, she had full blown Dementia.

We have always been close so I have no bad feelings toward her. I do admit, however, that because she is totally dependent on me, it is very exhausting. I do not take enough care of myself. There is no other family out here except my son and his wife. They help when they can, but both work full-time. And during this time, no one can come to give me some respite.

I feel for those who are giving 24/7 care to someone and hope that you can all get help and find some peace. I wish you the best!!

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Being an only child is difficult to explain. At times your the third adult in the parent child relationship. You are never treated like a child but instead you become a sibling, confidant, companion to your parent and almost always it’s to your mother. You need professional help to deal with the relationship at this point in your life because the dependency has gone on for your entire life. You need someone who can guide you and help you to take control of your life. I saw a psychologist for over five years and he saved my sanity, my self respect and helped me deal with every situation. I couldn’t have survived as well as I did without help.

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Thank you for your input

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Any only children out there that are soooooooo emotionally spent?

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