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Sounds similar to my mother. It does not take much to cause her to become agitated and personally attacking. If it is just me and/or a few others, we just listen and gradually leave. It is evident she just needs to vent and this is her approach. When we attempt to communicate and share our view, it seems to cause an eruption. For our situation, we just listen, and respectfully say - well, it was nice to see you, but gonna go! It has become a reality and rather than getting emotionally upset and causing division (cannot take it personally) everyone knows when it is time to say our good-byes. We have taken her out to eat for a special occasion, she complains the entire time and it continues for weeks. Had a surprise 80th birthday party and she made everyone uncomfortable. Many left and gathered at another location. It is sad but it is unfortunately what it is. Many have stopped visiting her and because I am only one that goes regularly, many visits are short. I do what she needs, and leave when she starts.
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disgustedtoo Aug 2020
It's really about all we can do... don't engage, try to divert the conversation, if one can call it that, nod and smile, ignore as best you can and if nothing works except your BP is going up, make excuses and Exit Stage Left!

You go. You look to her needs. You have done the best you can at that point. Sad that she ruined her own b'day party.

They recently have allowed outdoor visits at mom's place, but with restrictions (mask, 6' apart and no food/beverage, so as to keep the mask on.) So much for the cupcakes and ice cream I brought. Figured if we're outside and that far apart, we could at the least do that! Nope. Between her almost non-existent hearing and dementia, it was 99% a waste of time. C'est la vie!
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Merely ignore her. Whenever she makes any statements just look at her in slience.

Inform her that her drama queen theatrics is neither appreciated nor tolerated. She either straightens up or she ships out. It is harsh but in the end there will be a lot more peace in your household.

I depend upon You, Holy Spirit to help me set Godly boundaries in my relationships. I depend upon You to guide me in the proper use of these skills to nurture loving relationships while purging myself of toxic folks who only bring unnecessary drama and chaos to my life.
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disgustedtoo Aug 2020
Remember the Serenity Prayer?

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
courage to change the things I can,
and wisdom to know the difference.

One former office mate, who was VERY Christian and even wanted to be a nun, had a version of this prayer that may be more applicable for us!
Here's what I found online for that one (tongue in cheek remember!):

A Prayer for the Stressed
Grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage
to change the things I cannot accept,
And the wisdom
to hide the bodies of those I had to kill today because they got on my nerves.

While trying to find the text for the second one, I actually found this one, which might be helpful to those who often feel like they have failed their LO or feel guilty when they shouldn't:

God,
grant me the serenity to stop beating myself for not doing things perfectly,
the courage to forgive myself because I am working on getting better,
and the wisdom to know that you already love me the way I am.
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Burnt,
Do some online research about narcissism and going "grey rock ".
It's not easy, but has been a sanity saver for me.
Most importantly, do NOT engage them!!! Change the subject or excuse yourself.
Sounds like you already realize that you will not win any type of argument. So for your own sanity, don't bother trying.
Best of luck!
God bless!
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Grey rock is the best answer, the more you do it the easier it is.
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Smile, nod and change the subject. Be the bigger person.
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I have someone in my life who is the same way. I've learned to avoid any and all topics that could instigate a reaction. Best thing to do in my opinion is maybe good naturedly take guests aside and say "lets maybe keep things light topic wise tonight while parent is in close proximity. Then smile. If your parent tries to start something they will know then to just say nothing.

I feel you though. I find myself often with the person in my life start to tell them something and then think to myself "oh, better not" It's just easier that way.
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Imho, don't give the "performing" parent an audience (think Grey Rock). Do not engage into the convo with them.
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Be extremely tough and tell them to stop at once or there will be repercussions. This behavior cannot be tolerated- ever. And then walk away and totally ignore them. Keep telling them off until they stop and if they don't think about placing them or keeping them out of your home. Your life is being destroyed. Don't let them get away with it.
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You don't say if the parent is your mother or father or if there are any siblings or family friends that s/he can visit with while you entertain at your home. If it's your home, you own it, not living in your parent's house and just running the household, then he who owns the house makes the rules. You probably even heard this as a kid, "It's my house and my rules. If you don't like it, there's the door." I'm not saying you need to state it that bluntly (maybe you do!), but it sounds as though you've made it clear on >1 occasion that it's upsetting to you for your parent to seek out arguments when there are gatherings at your home. Is this a change in behavior for them? Have they had a physical exam within the past year? Are they angry or depressed and the underlying issue is that they need professional help in dealing with their anger? I've heard that sometimes with children any attention is better than no attention at all; so negative attention would be okay since it beats being ignored. Does your parent feel included? Why does he need to cause an argument to get attention? If this is a new behavior then I'd suggest first a visit to his PCP and then to a geriatric psychiatrist or psychologist. If it's not a new behavior and you've just been tolerating it for many years until it's finally intolerable to you now, well then, it's you or you and your spouse who need to seek out some counseling. There's always an underlying reason when there's a change in behavior. Even if this behavior isn't new, it sounds as though it's escalating. Though I think a medical workup should be done first, if there aren't any physical ailments behind your parent's anger/hostility, then it's likely there is a psycho-social reason causing an escalation in this behavior. By allowing him to continue with this behavior to the point where you don't enjoy your own home anymore, it may say as much about you and your spouse as it does about your parent who is living with you. I think a therapist can role play with you such that you can begin to change the roles in the household from Adult (parent) and Child (you) to Adult and Adult with respect for each other's opinions and differing roles when when you were growing up as a child.
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well they can only argue/fight when it takes someone else to engage in the discussion.  When they start something, either say "gee time flies, I have an appt I have to go to" or just say "I don't have time to discuss this" and get ready to leave.  They can only argue with themselves.  Pretty soon if its done enough where you leave when they start something, "maybe" they will get the hint.  Or you could pretend you didn't hear them and start talking about something else totally in a different direction...... wishing you luck.
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Agree with him at home and socialize without him.
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Just one thought is to tell your parent you don't agree with their viewpoints therefore there will not be any discussion with you as there is no possibility to agree. in this case and no wish to have an argument tirelessly. At their age I feel you could avoid having people over especially if it all ends in a negative situation..

They are entitled to their opinion even if as is the case with my mother and memory loss her mind is fixated on certain points and does not allow the reasoning my husband attemps at times to be considered seriously or at all.
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