My parent in their 80's (not suffering from dementia) constantly instigates fights either with myself or others. The subject of the fights usually isn't personal but eventually escalates to that point. My parent watches nothing but 24-hour news shows or network talk shows that are similar. The instigating starts by bringing up something political or some socially inflammatory piece they've just seen or heard. Or they will make something up claiming that they saw or heard for the sake of getting the fighting started. Even when they're warned in advance if we're going to a social outing or have guests not to start anything political or inflammatory and even go far as to state what things they will not try to pick a fight on, it's no use. They manage to do it. We cannot have family gatherings or friends over because the visit or events always gets turned into a soapbox/forum for my parent to get into it about politics or some socially inflammatory subject matter. At this point we don't entertain friends and family at home anymore because when my parent has a bigger audience will work double hard to instigate the fighting and yelling. Any suggestions on how to stop the instigating before it starts? I would really appreciate any advice.
They are entitled to their opinion even if as is the case with my mother and memory loss her mind is fixated on certain points and does not allow the reasoning my husband attemps at times to be considered seriously or at all.
I feel you though. I find myself often with the person in my life start to tell them something and then think to myself "oh, better not" It's just easier that way.
Do some online research about narcissism and going "grey rock ".
It's not easy, but has been a sanity saver for me.
Most importantly, do NOT engage them!!! Change the subject or excuse yourself.
Sounds like you already realize that you will not win any type of argument. So for your own sanity, don't bother trying.
Best of luck!
God bless!
Inform her that her drama queen theatrics is neither appreciated nor tolerated. She either straightens up or she ships out. It is harsh but in the end there will be a lot more peace in your household.
I depend upon You, Holy Spirit to help me set Godly boundaries in my relationships. I depend upon You to guide me in the proper use of these skills to nurture loving relationships while purging myself of toxic folks who only bring unnecessary drama and chaos to my life.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
courage to change the things I can,
and wisdom to know the difference.
One former office mate, who was VERY Christian and even wanted to be a nun, had a version of this prayer that may be more applicable for us!
Here's what I found online for that one (tongue in cheek remember!):
A Prayer for the Stressed
Grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage
to change the things I cannot accept,
And the wisdom
to hide the bodies of those I had to kill today because they got on my nerves.
While trying to find the text for the second one, I actually found this one, which might be helpful to those who often feel like they have failed their LO or feel guilty when they shouldn't:
God,
grant me the serenity to stop beating myself for not doing things perfectly,
the courage to forgive myself because I am working on getting better,
and the wisdom to know that you already love me the way I am.
You go. You look to her needs. You have done the best you can at that point. Sad that she ruined her own b'day party.
They recently have allowed outdoor visits at mom's place, but with restrictions (mask, 6' apart and no food/beverage, so as to keep the mask on.) So much for the cupcakes and ice cream I brought. Figured if we're outside and that far apart, we could at the least do that! Nope. Between her almost non-existent hearing and dementia, it was 99% a waste of time. C'est la vie!
If you want to include them, then tell the guests not to engage and to find a reason to walk away if it starts. Interrupt your parents if you are within earshot. Change the subject immediately and remind them no politics.
If they live with you then have them go to someone else's house for several hours while you intertain.
When it's just them and you, remember it takes two to tango and DON'T discuss anything with them of that nature.
When they make a comment, don't let them drag you in, just say interesting or is that so or just start talking about something else.
Warn them in advance if a discussion starts to become an argument you will leave or they will be asked to leave. Then....
If it is at their house and this starts say...If we can not have a discussion (as opposed to a fight) I am going to leave. If they continue you get up and leave. No good bye, no hug or kiss good bye just leave. If they are at your house and it starts you can get their coats and hats and keys and ask them to leave. If you are out at a restaurant or other place you get up and leave. If you have friends over and this starts you can ask your friends to join you in another room and you can all get up and go to the living room, kitchen or go to the patio or deck.
I would imagine doing this once or twice will get the point across.
I rarely tolerated Fox News until they were the only ones speaking truths about endemic crime rates vs. the systemic racism angle. People are legitimately angry as they witness cities ruined on top of longstanding crime problems that get glossed over. In my case, my elderly mom takes the liberal view and I (who've actually lived among the "oppressed") have firsthand knowledge of what police are up against.
I see cases where both the Left and Right take factually wrong positions, and if family members clash on critical topics the tension won't fade. If one side is taking a logically untenable view, try to have a truly objective conversation and maybe someone can rest on the facts. If that's impossible or it's truly just a matter of opinion (not evidence) there's no easy answer.
Sort of the go-along to get- along method. They've not thrown the remote but I can tell they have differences of opinions. I have had to sort of monitor the direction or path some comments lead toward a heated discussion. I've also put the remote in the kitchen a time or two.
The harder challenge, however, is in public- but COVID has taken care of that nicely enough since we no longer go out to eat or socialize and don't see that changing at any point in the near future (clouds with silver linings comes to mind).
And as others have said, just don't engage them. Change the subject. And warn guests that mom and dad are like this and ask them to please not get involved with their rants (because that's really all it is, a release for them... if they're anything like my father they have no real desire for a meaningful exchange of opposing ideas, he's just angry and has no other way to express it).
But besides that you can control the direction of the conversation by just not engaging in it. Ignore them and do a treatment called "Gray Rock" you can google it and read up on it. Basically you are not adding fuel to their fire. Also, if you have company over, you have every right to set a boundary and politely tell them they are not invited. They do not have to be a part of all your gatherings. They live in your home and you call the shots.
DO NOT ENGAGE with or in these discussions. KEEP QUIET.
If there is 'no biting on that fishing pole, they may stop' as there is no incentive for them. Instigating is another word, in my opinion, for MANIPULATING. As long as that works, they will continue.
Set ground rules before you and they are at the dinner or breakfast table.
Set ground rules before anyone comes over.
When the 'they' come over, explain the ground rules to them, too.
Learn to set limits. It is your home, isn't it?
You are kind enough to allow your parents to live with you (as I understand it).
If you do still entertain (in the age of Covid), perhaps you can leave and and/or entertain elsewhere.
Its 'no use,' as you say unless you have consequences to their behavior. If there are none, why would they change. They have you wrapped around their finger. Stop allowing it. Figure out the consequences and stick to it. May feel REALLY UNCOMFORTABLE initially because it is new behavior for you. As you feel more self-empowered, it will support you to continue and stick to your guns. g
Suggestions:
1) "...if we're going to a social outing", don't invite them. If it is friends, go without them. If it is an extended family shindig, let them go, you stay home OR let them stay home and you go. Either way, the reasoning is no longer a warning, it is a statement of fact. Mom/Dad, everywhere we go you start trouble with various topics, esp politics. I have enough to do, I don't want to hear it. I've tried warning, but you're not taking the hint. So you go or I go but we are NOT going together!
2) Instead of inviting others to your home, arrange to go to a neutral spot, park, restaurant, etc (once treks and outings are allowed!) or the other person's home. Explain that this is a necessity, for peace of mind and enjoyable visit and that you'll make it up to them sometime later!
3) Anytime they do this in your home, when others are not there, you can ask them to stop. If they don't, you walk away. If need be, go for a walk outside. Wear ear plugs or headphones, so you can tune them out. They get in your face and start yapping, point to the ears and say sorry, I can't hear you and I don't WANT to hear you. I'm NOT interested in the politics or the latest gadget you've seen on TV. If you need something, write me a note. If you don't need anything, then find a hobby, join a club and mingle with people like you who want to discuss this stuff. They can't fight or argue with you if you refuse to participate. As the saying goes, it takes 2 to tango...
Out of curiosity - is there a necessary reason for them to be living in your house? I see mom needs some assistance, but does it have to be in your place? Can they not afford some kind of AL? IF they can afford it and nothing you try suggested by anyone here works, then perhaps it is time to check out AL places, then sit them down with brochures and information you gathered and suggest they move. They would likely find someone who would "debate" with them... Even better would be find one that offers respite care and have them stay for 2 weeks while you go on vacation. Maybe they will not want to come back!
You could try three boundary options. If you ask when you have company, she goes to her room immediately and stays there. If you are out when she starts up, a taxi is called and takes her home. If you try these and they fail, you let her know clearly that you don’t want to feel like this in your home. If it continues she will need to move to AL (if the house is yours), or you will need leave and she will need to find other carers (if it’s her house). If the carrot for her is that she enjoys the arguments and enjoys the feeling of control, you need to find a different carrot or else a stick.
Lately, the Left favors what many consider deeply wrong police-bashing while ignoring that police are compelled to go where crime occurs. They naturally make more arrests in bad neighborhoods, so the odds of bad arrests mathematically increase in those places. A charge of "murder" presumes intent, and cops have been generically judged without a jury over a cherry-picked case that doesn't represent most arrests. The blanket assumption of racism is not born out in studies, e.g. Roland Fryer. Terrible rioting is being driven by that assumption, so moral people can't just sit back and watch.
The elderly tend to be more conservative, so I'll guess which side they're on in this case. If that's mistaken, the OP should clarify things.
My mom is also anti-Trump (I also don't respect him) but can't convince her that crime itself is the root of blacks' police woes. I don't live near her so it mainly comes up in visits. The original poster could try just getting into it ("if you can't get out of it...") if facts are on their side. They could at least tell us which side they're on, but this forum won't take too much of that. If the elders have a view in defiance of strong evidence, e.g. AGW-denial, others' advice to minimize conversations is wise.
You cannot stop him from instigating turmoil but you can create consequences to modify his behavior. When he starts a fight, say, "Dad, we talked about this." Then stand up and leave.