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More so lately, I feel so fed up with my father's negativity. He has always been a real crab and has a bad temper, but I am so done with it. I have been getting yelled at my whole life and I just can't stand to be around it anymore.
I hear you! My FIL's Hospice Social Worker just told me yesterday "if he was like this all his life, it's not going to change. It may get worse". But, offered great advice: tell him that you love him and that you are going to be there for him but that he cannot be unkind. Set boundaries. Good luck and hang in there!
Excuse me - but why aren't you yelling back? You're not a child anymore and you don't have to be afraid of him.
I helped my Dad for 7 years after Mom passed - I accepted that he had his own way of doing things but I was not afraid of him and so I was not afraid to disagree with him either. I let him know that I am an adult.
I invited him to ask one of his other daughters for help if he didn't like mine, but he chose me for the rest of his life and we got along as well as possible as long as I allowed him to do things his own way. If it didn't work, he would then ask me how to do something. That is how I would want to be treated so that is how I treated him.
I do hope you can work something out together.
If not, get out of Dodge. You don't need to drive yourself crazy.
Mine has always been negative Nice to others but a different person to me. I've done al I can do to try make her happy. I've had to dive up. I got depressed and on meds for it. No help from family for over 10 years. I'm tired. Want to be happy and live. I've had to learn to make sure she's taking care of and then distance myself and put her and ugly attitude behind me.
So sorry for you. You didn't share if your dad is suffering from any memory impairments, dementia or Alzheimer's? Unfortunately any can affect behavior & if your dad has always been a grouch he may become a bigger one, old memory stays & being yourself counts. How is his overall health at 91? May be time for a check-up to see if there are any medical issues. If he's not living with you, I'm going to advise you to keep it that way, since the continued nastiness will become a constant doom & gloom for you. Taking care of him, trying to please him will be full time, unlike the occasional visit when you can leave & put it behind you for alittle while. Overtime the nastiness will be physically & mentally exhausting. You will struggle with your own feelings of anger & sadness, yet trying to make things somewhat better all the time. He may be feeling lonely if living alone & having trouble doing tasks, he may be frustrated? An assisted living facility would be ideal for him if the $ is there. If staying home is the goal then he may need companion care to assist in tasks, a good day program for socializing as well. Watch out for you because words & any signs of aggression or assertion will get to you emotionally. It's only natural for you to have many feelings, yet guilt always seems to hang in. I am a caregiver to my brother with ALZ, when young & healthy he was "just mean & nasty." The disease & him being his self, an old self, has made him nastier. I was warned but never imagined the battlefield created. To help him I have had to be strong & focused, blank out "cutting words" & "watch" 24/7. Outside help must be the "right fit" & has not been an easy find ever. My crossroads is evident, yet my emotions sad. Not the legacy I hoped for. Think your choices & decisions thru, take time, change course if needed. Take care of you. Blessings
Couchsitting: your Mom sounds just like my Dad. My Mom is still alive, but has many chronic conditions. Dad is an absolute basket case with worry. His vision is poor, as well as his hearing. He feels helpless because he can't do anything useful. He repeats the same things OVER and OVER! I just spent 3 weeks with them & had to leave to regroup. (I live 7 hours away & am married.) He's angry, but clingy & I feel sorry for him, but I also feel like a heavy blanket is stifling me. Mom is only going to get worse & he can't accept it. I really wonder what he thought would happen as they got older!
I'm in the same situation with my mom. She tells me every time I go visit that she just wants to die. I always say before I leave that I love her and she will not say it back, it's heartbreaking! She is on meds for depression but I don't think it works well. She is giving up, I cannot get her to do anything at the home she is in. She sits in her room day in and day out, she used to go down to the dinning room to eat 3 meals a day and she has stopped doing that. Always so negative on everything, I think we all go thru it with our elder parents. I still go every other day even tho she brings me down, I just try to stay positive and leave it at the door when I leave. Pretty sure that is all we can do!
Oh yes!! I've been caring for my 89 yrs old mother for 7 1/2 years and your dad and my mother sound so much alike. My heart goes out to you, but this forum really does help. You will be surprised how many people are going through the same thing and though it doesn't change things, it certainly can give you some good tips on how to handle your dad. Stay strong and consider respite care like I did. You need to care for yourself too!!
I can so relate! After a lifetime of Dad's screaming & yelling, it is hard to take when you are trying so hard to help. He took all the quality from Mom's & my life these last 3 years. We finally put him into memory care assisted living as we could no longer handle him. It felt like a cloud had been lifted. I feel guilty. We don't miss him one single bit.
Just because an older person has challenges that make them grumpy does't mean you have to live with it for such along time. I'll bet you were warm and fuzzy when this all started. The time for warm and fuzzy is past.
This is not supposed to prison and torture. If it is, time to recognize it with eyes wide open and do something.
1. Meds make a huge difference! My mom went from calling the police on me (to say that I stole her car) to being a total pussycat. Thank you forever to the scientists in while lab coats who made that happen!!!
2. Placement in AL facility where he can growl at someone else!
Time to get real---you have a life, too!!!!!
Or did your Dad take care of his parents warmly and fuzzily?
i have trouble too & i do a lot to ...well what did he use to enjoy doing ?? if you can get him to do something enjoyable he will be happy ..maybe you can start something new if not able to do it ..maybe like fishing ..if he can .i do a lot of garden work ..flower & veggie soon it will get bigger so dont get into something that will aggravate him ..so good luck
I have to say, reading these posts have made me feel less alone. Fortunately, I was able to get both parents placed in a very nice LTC facility last year as they both have health issues. As an only child with two elderly parents, I too grew up with a father who has always been negative, unappreciative and anxious--especially now that he's older. I realize he suffers with COPD and is getting older (85 y/o). I realize I must be "understanding" and compassionate. Yet it is hard to be empathetic when all you hear during visits is complaining and whining. All of us have a deep-rooted emotional history with our parents which makes it more challenging to emotionally detach. One of my issues is feeling guilty (I'm a horrible daughter, etc.) for getting angry and frustrated with my father's negative behavior. I am able to safely vent to my husband and a therapist where I feel safe and that I'm not being judges. We as their children are humans with feelings too and deserve the same respect we are supposed to show our parents! I am learning to emotionally detach during "negative" visits, but it is hard. I usually just say, "I'm not listening to this" and I leave. It is sad, but I have to practice self-care in order to juggle my own life with a family, career, etc. without feeling guilty.
I am definitely in the same boat. My 89 yo mother is my charge. We had a blow out yesterday where she accused me, again, of being selfish...for getting away for a concert, spending my money foolishly and not taking care of her. I ended up locking myself away, literally, crying my heart out. I wish I had sage advice. Take the best care if you, get out, away from the situation when you can and come here to vent and be with those who know exactly how you feel. Peace!!
Agree with everyone's input. My mom has NEVER been happy - no matter who she has lived with. Even when she got her own apt. and lived alone she was constantly calling me - at work no doubt - and complaining about everything. She literally thinks I have control over everything and can apparently "fix it". She is a control freak and I'm finally realizing after about 40 years that I cannot make her happy - no matter how hard I try. I recently threw my back out and then the next week got shingles. That was the wakeup call I needed to start taking care of myself! I'm no spring chicken and will soon turn 57 and a single homeowner who works full-time. She has recently moved back in with me but by the Grace of God had gone to visit my brother about 4 hours away. I was so glad to have my home quiet and I could concentrate on getting better. Shingles is hideous and painful! I'm learning to distance myself from her. I'm sorry she is miserable but it is not my problem. I'll do what I can but not at the cost of my health - not anymore!
Yup my mother has gotten worse over the past month...The geropsych Dr put her on depakote and it helped for a bit but now she's mean and grouchy as ever ..her dementia is now moderate so I think that has a lot to do with it ...she also has resorted to kicking and slapping ...and refusing her pills ..i am a RN and I have a hard time with her ...I try to remember this is not her and I think she really has no idea what she is saying or doing ...but she still bathes and eats and drinks ....I can't control what comes out of her mouth,,and what she says would make your hair curl ...it's like she's become angry ...
My Mother in law is the same. She has made up her mind to be miserable and take everyone else down with her. I get that she has aches and pains and chafes at her limitations and am compassionate, but I will not become obsessed with the negativity. I get through the day by practicing emotional detachment. I don't feed into her negative thinking, leave the room when she starts running people down, and visualize a wall of light and love between me and her disapproving critical judgy disparagement of me.
my grouchy miserable self absorbed mother lived with me and my family for a couple years after my step father died. You CANT live like that or it will slowly eat your soul. Now she is perfectly happy living alone with her miserable self in a low income apartment. She's been gone for a year now and I'm still not back to my old self ( might never get back ) You can not be responsible for someone else's happiness.
Ginamaria, I have a mother who is 94 and argues and throws fits until she gets her way, she has always been that way. My dad puts up with it. Fortunately I live in another state. My sister who lives in the area finally blew up at my mom and told her that the world did not revolve around her etc and that she was done with helping and to grow up and stormed out. My mom has been nicer to my sister ever since.
Try talking to his doctor about it and how disruptive it is to your life. Medications --perhaps an antidepressant or dementia drug--may help; be mindful it may take 2 weeks for it to kick in.
Hi Ginamaria, yep, mine too,although like you, my dad has always been a negative person, always railing against the world and hating everyone. Now he's an OAP (90) he feels he has a valid excuse! After putting up with it for so long I realised that I can't change him and his attitude, but I CAN change my attitude to him. As caregiverforum1 says, you have to work on distancing yourself emotionally from him. It's hard but it does work. I realised that he was making me depressed. I only had to spend a short time with him and I felt terrible about everything, as if I was to blame for him feeling bad. Of course its not his fault he's getting old and vulnerable but its not my fault either. I've accepted that I'm doing everything I reasonably can to help him. Because of me he's in a safe, warm environment, he has enough to eat and access to medical etc. He has my love and support. However, I can't make him happy. That's up to him. Once I accepted that it was fairly easy to distance myself from his daily rants and get my top up of rational behaviour from others in my life. I hope this helps. Keep strong.
I really empathize. Lately my dad has become very complaining and it seems I'm the one he calls to vent the complaints on. He's also always been very critical and negative most of our lives as his kids. He's in the stage of dementia where he's got a bit of paranoia too and accusing people of stealing things. I don't care if it's the disease worsening this aspect of him or not..it's just wears on me and it's hard to want to be with him. Before he moved to live near me at a facility, I insisted he had to go on an antidepressant or he couldn't move here. He has generalized anxiety and always been very moody. Zoloft changed him into a different person and he was actually pleasant to be around. Now as he's gotten older (95) and recently had to have surgery, he's a bit like his old demeanor. The doctor said they can get used to their dose and so she's increased it. So we are hoping that helps. But it got so I would dread seeing his name come up on my caller ID. After taking care of him in the hospital and his constant complaining when he came home , I became mentally and physically exhausted. I just couldn't do it anymore. I became weepy etc. I finally decided I would not answer my phone after 5 pm as it was always complaints. Also I began to see a counselor therapist. She told me I needed a break and to get away for awhile. I knew that but sometimes you need someone to give you permission. I'm also going to tell my dad he can't just call me to complain. Anyway, you don't say if he's living with you or not. But if he is, you must part ways. You do not have to be the sounding board for all his negativity. It's not good for your mind and soul.
I also have a negative and unpleasant parent. It took awhile but it finally sunk in that she's not going to change, especially because she has dementia. My actions to help or make things better have a fleeting impact, at best. It's helped me disengage a bit emotionally and to feel less guilty about seeking respite and setting boundaries.
I can empathise too. My Dad has always been pretty grumpy and extremely stubborn too. Sometimes it is very difficult to care for someone who appears to have so much negativity. It is most difficult when I'm tired with all the stresses of life and reach a point of breaking. I know that I need to change the way we are doing things and will actively seeking some daycare/social activity weeklyfor Dad after his operation, for both our sanity. Easier said than done but you need a break too and will then possibly be able to ride the 'storm' better. Good luck, hope things improve.
Definitely feel your pain. My mom is nasty to me and a dream to my brother who is never around. He might show up once a month, but when I am with her several days a week, it isn't enough. Very frustrating. She can find something to complain about with me no matter what. Too sunny, too warm, too cold, food not good, too much food, etc. etc. It wears on you.
The issue is my father has ALWAYS been difficult and entitled, this is not new just because he's 91. The response is typical for a reasonable person but when you grow up with someone whose nasty and unable to be happy for anyone but himself it not pleasant. I suppose I've just been dealing with this wayyyyy to long.
Same. My mother is so grumpy, insulting, and hateful about 90 percent of the time. It wears on the nerves. It doesn't matter how pleasant we are to her or how much we do most of the time. She is sometimes pleasant and nice, but not normally. My husband is right this minute texting me to tell me that she's standing there accusing him of beating our toddler. Sigh.
Gina, think of it this way, it is really tough getting old. If your father can no longer drive, just think he can't just hop into the car and drive where ever he wants.
As we age we get our share of aches and pain. It's not easy putting on socks and shoes. Our hearing isn't as good, neither is our eye sight. Yep, we need to turn up the volume on the TV. And food doesn't taste as good as we start to lose our taste buds. Some of our friends have either moved away or have died. We are bored crazy. I wouldn't be a happy camper, either.
Depending your father medical issues, your profile says mobility, maybe he would like living at Independent Living or Assisted Living [similar to Independent Living but with more Aides helping him]. These places look and feel like living in a hotel. Dad would have housekeeping, linen service, laundry service, and 3 meals a day in the main dining room. The facilities usually will place a newcomer with someone else who's background is similar.
It would depend on Dad's budget. If he owns a house and has a lot of equity, he could easily move in. These places usually cost around $5k per month, depending on area, and worth every penny. It's something to think about.
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I helped my Dad for 7 years after Mom passed - I accepted that he had his own way of doing things but I was not afraid of him and so I was not afraid to disagree with him either. I let him know that I am an adult.
I invited him to ask one of his other daughters for help if he didn't like mine, but he chose me for the rest of his life and we got along as well as possible as long as I allowed him to do things his own way. If it didn't work, he would then ask me how to do something. That is how I would want to be treated so that is how I treated him.
I do hope you can work something out together.
If not, get out of Dodge. You don't need to drive yourself crazy.
Yes, get up and "step out of the room for a minute" when he behaves like that. go to the parking lot, start your engine, and peel out of there!
This is not supposed to prison and torture. If it is, time to recognize it with eyes wide open and do something.
1. Meds make a huge difference! My mom went from calling the police on me (to say that I stole her car) to being a total pussycat. Thank you forever to the scientists in while lab coats who made that happen!!!
2. Placement in AL facility where he can growl at someone else!
Time to get real---you have a life, too!!!!!
Or did your Dad take care of his parents warmly and fuzzily?
😭😵😱😬😨😠😏😖
But I have no advice to say
Cause my brain hurts from the constant nagging shouting ...
As we age we get our share of aches and pain. It's not easy putting on socks and shoes. Our hearing isn't as good, neither is our eye sight. Yep, we need to turn up the volume on the TV. And food doesn't taste as good as we start to lose our taste buds. Some of our friends have either moved away or have died. We are bored crazy. I wouldn't be a happy camper, either.
Depending your father medical issues, your profile says mobility, maybe he would like living at Independent Living or Assisted Living [similar to Independent Living but with more Aides helping him]. These places look and feel like living in a hotel. Dad would have housekeeping, linen service, laundry service, and 3 meals a day in the main dining room. The facilities usually will place a newcomer with someone else who's background is similar.
It would depend on Dad's budget. If he owns a house and has a lot of equity, he could easily move in. These places usually cost around $5k per month, depending on area, and worth every penny. It's something to think about.