Anyone else feel like a slave?

I'll tell you how I handled an elderly friend who became like this as I just didn't cater to him or I took my own sweet time getting to whatever he wanted. He expected others to jump and run to meet his demands, and I can tell you, just don't do whatever it is he want you to do as long as he demands. If he's demanding let's say over a glass of water, just don't get it as long as he's being demanding, make him get it himself because he'll get thirsty enough to get it himself. No matter his demand, just don't cater to him as long as he's being demanding. Even my elderly friends home health aide complained about this behavior and I told her how to handle it. You couldn't have these kinds of talks in front of him, you had to do it behind his back. Just don't cater to him. If he was in a care facility and constantly running his buzzer, they would soon find out about this kind of behavior, they're trained to know how to deal with it. Reality would hit hard in the facility because many times they're understaffed or busy with other patients. I would say get busy with other stuff and stay busy. Whenever this patient starts barking orders, don't listen, just keep at whatever task you're doing and continue doing whatever you're doing. Just don't drop what you're doing to cater to him as long as he's barking orders, just ignore him. That's what I had to end up doing with my elderly friend until he realized he wasn't getting nowhere with me. 

No one is entitled to nothing just because of age. Warned him that if he doesn't start taking responsibility he'll end up in a care facility where no one will come running at his every call. I would put him in and understaffed facility let him see just how busy they really are with other patients. When reality hits, only then will he see just how busy people really are and he may actually start learning patience. 
Years ago I knew someone who was in a local nursing home, she was transferred here at her request from a neighboring town. When she got here and I went to visit her, I was actually very surprised at how long it took the staff to get  each and every patient out of bed in the morning. They were understaffed and they had to start going around very early in the morning and tending to each and every patient. They had to start at whatever room they started and slowly work their way around as each patient was gotten out of bed, taken to the bathroom and tended to, dressed and for those in wheelchairs, they were loaded into wheelchairs and taken to the dining area one by one. They could start as early as about 5 AM or however early they felt they needed to start. This was actually a very small wing but I don't recall just how many patients were in this particular wing. Imagine no more than 2 to 4 staff doing all of the chores and then having to feed each and everyone of those patients and tend to their needs at the table. When everyone has eaten, each and every patient was taken either to their rooms or wherever they wanted to go like the TV room. I personally wouldn't like living this kind of life myself, especially if you had to stay in your room most of the time or you couldn't go outside by yourself when you wanted to. Anytime you walk in as a visitor, you immediately feel the sense of a loss of freedom and the presence of death. This can actually make you want to run right back out because it's very depressing to the point you really don't want to be there. Therefore, I really don't blame people who fight against going into these facilities. I have a friend who was  even able to smell a very odd smell when death was in there. Of course they didn't believe her and thought she was looney until 12 hours later, they found one of their patients dead. Yes, that friend can smell death 12 hours before it happens and so can I. When I got to speaking with her mom who is also a friend, it turns out me and her daughter have the same ability but we don't know how to really describe this odd smell, but we can tell you who it's near when we smell it. I really don't think the patient in your care would really want to be in a facility. In order to avoid going to a facility, he really needs to start proving he's able to live independently. If he really wants to keep his freedom and independence and stay home, he needs to take responsibility and start doing stuff for himself. If he really wants something done bad enough then he can just get off his keister and do it himself if it must be now. The next time he gets on you for not doing something right then, you can look him in the face in the eye and tell him, "if you want it done now, get off your lazy butt and do it yourself!" Then walk away. If he already has demands before you get there and even right as you come in the door, I personally would turn right back around and walk right back out that door, slamming it behind me. If I wasn't yet there, he wouldn't get whatever it was he asked for at the store, I would return everything for a refund and I simply wouldn't go to his house. In fact, I would drop off as his caregiver as long as he's acting like this, and I would tell him so as soon as he started asking questions. Just be upfront and honest. Setting boundaries doesn't necessarily mean you don't love the person, you're just simply setting boundaries that should be enforced. If he's going to start barking orders let's say about groceries, I just wouldn't take the groceries to him nor would I even go to the store as long as he's barking orders. If he has to go to the bathroom and is barking orders, make  him take himself to the bathroom if he must go now as many of us who must go now and up taking ourselves. If he wants a bath now, make him do it himself. Whatever it is he's barking orders over, just tell him if he wants it done now to just get off his lazy butt and do it himself, that you're not catering to him as long as he's barking orders at you 

I agree with Harpcat - that your dad needs a notebook that will stay handy - room for big print, whatever works for him at this stage. And you call and visit on your schedule, twice a week is fine - and when you are there, if other items, put them on the list for next week's list. If there is an answering machine, let him leave an item on that. I don't think negatives work very well, but by emphasizing the plan - OK, good, that's an important item, I'll put it on the list, and I'll bring it on my Tues visit.... you are then refusing, in your mind and actions - to do more than you plan, yet you are positive about what you are doing, and reliable, or apologize if you forget something.

Many people need to allow actions to teach, reinforce the plan, and let the upset sit there, "I'm sorry, I can come on those days, and I'm glad to come. I hope you'll help me to know any items you want by my call on Tues AM."

A great social worker years ago helped me with my disabled brother that I helped to start adulthood. She asked both of us in the presence of each other, how often we each wanted to see each other. I said twice a week, he said every day. "Fine", she said. "Both of you take responsibility for the time you choose: Joe, you call Cassie and ask for anything you need or want; Cassie, you only call Joe the twice a week that you chose, and answer his calls as fits your time otherwise. Fact is, he never called - he just wanted to get me to take care of him as mother used to do - and I stopped feeling responsible for every moment during the week, focused on my time. The issue was to get ME to stop worrying if he got upset, just say, sorry you were worried, here's what I can do - and accept inside, for YOU, that you are doing a great and valuable job.

Every once in a while, there will be an emergency, and it matters to hear those - but don't give in on the phone right away, say, you'll see what you can do. Decide off the phone, and maybe it's, "I'll be there tomorrow instead of Tues" or you can get to know the staff and call and ask them to find someone to get what he wants.

It's a shame if negative attitudes build resentments. Worth it to consider, choose, and affirm often that you're glad to be in touch. Start your own list of names and numbers of whom to call if you can't do something soon. If you know you are paying steady attention, you are doing your best, and letting them fuss if you stick to a plan. They gradually come round!

My husband is bedridden, only able to feed himself and nothing else. He was in rehab for 4 months and made only minimal progress. I am the only one who cares for him. We were married 43 years ago when most women WERE treated like shaves and expected to be. We were raised that way and so were our mom's.

I am "on duty" all day, every day. If I get angry enough and blow up, he will be "nice" to me for a few hours. The other day he told me I "need to learn to shut up". This is absolutely not how I expected to spend my retirement. I have Fibromyalgia and Chronic Fatigue Syndrome plus arthritis so bad in. Y shoulders I can't lift. Y arms above my shoulders. My husband weighs 350 pounds but I have to roll and pull him over, move his medical equipment and change his bed and diapers. I have a health aide once a week, but she is not there to clean up his diarrhea or deal with his verbal abuse.

I am seeing my PCP today, and I am going to ask her to provide the name of a counselor or I will lose it completely.

Know that you cannot be used unless you let yourself be. Dad is safe and cared for and you don't need to supervise him. There is staff for that. You have the opportunity that I don't. You have someone else to watch over Dad while you go on with your business of daily living. Distance yourself as you can from this. Keep in touch with his caregivers and don't worry so much! Good luck!

Kootiebear, you have described my Dad to a T. He told my sister and I that it was our responsibility to take care of him. He only called when he wanted something. When I went to visit, he would start giving me orders before I even got in the door. I got to the point I dreaded it when he called, so I set boundaries. I only answered the phone once a day. I made a list of his wants, shopped for them once a week & then delivered them that day. I still felt guilty, but I just couldn't handle the constant demands & griping. He was in a very nice AL facility and I knew he was being taken care of. He passed away recently, but I have no regrets about his care. Between the AL facility, my sister & I, he got the best of care & his every need was met. Just not in the way he thought he was entitled to.

I wonder if you ask him to think back to when he was your age, what did his dad ask of him? How often did he run errands or visit them. If he doesn't have dementia he should have recall. I have to do that for myself as I age & our children are around your age w lives of their own. Texting is great for me to keep intouch at certain times since I'm retired & they still work.

I immediately start to try and fix and that is not fair. Haven't walked in any of your shoes, I'm lucky my parents are in their 80's and I have none of this bad behavior. They just need me for transport and help with doctors. I've worked in healthcare for 31 years and run a Health Advocacy business so being their Health Advocate is natural.

I want to make sure everyone knows there is help like the maid suggestion but also eldercare options, like an aid or adult day care. Just like when you get on a plane, and they give the safety presentation about the use of the oxygen masks. Put yours on first then help those around you. My advice take care of yourself first, get them help if needed, then reach out to help if necessary.

ESAcare, My Dad is in a group home, thank God for that. Because of things that were said and done over the years my sisters don't have a good relationship with my dad. So I am stuck as if I was an only child.

I know, I know, and I empathize with all of you in this situation. My mother does not have dementia either, but she feels entitled to sit in her chair and be waited on whenever anyone is in the house with her. I have discussed this with her numerous times, as has my sister, but it goes in one ear and out the other. She doesn't want to do anything for herself if she doesn't have to, and she feels entitled due to her age to expect other people to do for her. It's maddening. I try to spend as little time with her as possible to avoid being pressed into "slave" mode. She doesn't "get it", she never will, and the best I can do in the situation is limit my exposure.

All sounds very familiar, my Dad keeps telling me that I do too much and I am always rushing about, when I say he is very much part of the rushing about, he looks at me as if I am speaking alien! When I am 5 minutes late, he texts or calls me, wanting to know where I am! I have posted on here before recently about being torn between so many responsibilities. Today I took in to the GPS, accompanied him shopping, walked his dog and when I carried in the shopping and said I'd see him later, he wanted to know why I was rushing off!
What can you do... sometimes I cry , walk away or answer back . It seems as if they lose any perspective on life but their own. Hope you can reduce your stress. I too dread calling him as it just unleashes more problems to deal with. Take rest when you can and step back.

I agree with Pamzimmrtt, you do not have to answer the phone. Even though you've told him not to call and he does it anyway means he doesn't respect your boundaries. The more his behavior gets his desired response the more he will continue to do it. Since he doesn't have dementia and is only calling because he needs you to get something, then there is no emergency. Here is my suggestion...buy him a small pocket size spiral notebook and tell him when he needs something to start a list and add to it. You will call before your Saturday visit and bring him those things then. If you must, type up a list with bullet points to remind him of the new protocol that you've decided upon. Such as: do not call to tell me you need an item, put it on the notebook list, do not call me at work, I will call on Friday to see what you need, we will take you to lunch on Saturday etc.
You should not feel guilty for wanting to have peace of mind and quality of life. You are not there for his every demand. The more you set boundaries the easier it becomes. Bravo that you cut out the Wednesday visit.

I understand your frustration. Seniors tend to have less patience, and it can be stressful too. I'd recommend hiring a caregiver or someone who can be there when you or your sister can't be.

Coralmae, No he does not have dementia. He has been evaluated several times and he has his mental faculties. He has pretty much been a pain in the behind all his life. My mom use to complain about him and I just thought she wasn't being compassionate enough. Now that she is no longer with us and I am stuck with him, I totally understand her frustration.

Does your father have dementia?

pamzimmrrt, If I don't call at least once or twice a week or go see him, my dad will call me at work even though I told him I can't talk during the work day. I use to go visit on Wednesday after work and on Saturday, my husband and I take him to lunch. I am cutting back on the Wednesday, visit. I use to do it out of guilt that he had no one else, but I've come to realize he takes advantage because I am his daughter. Yes the group home takes care of the cooking, the cleaning, medications, doctors, etc. But I get calls when he needs me to buy him something.

Coralmae,
You are right, advanced stages of dementia the person would not know any better.
Maybe I should have addressed my comment to Jessebelle, whose mother's behavior is imo redeemable.
I know that I don't like to see Jessebelle treated so poorly.

I'm not sure what your dad's circumstances are, but my mom is going into the advanced stages of dementia. Obviously she doesn't know any better, but when I am at her house, she treats me like a maid. She will hand me a used tissue and tell me to throw it away or to do this or that. One day I told her that I wasn't her maid but her response was "you're younger than me". I am 64 years old and her dementia has aged me like I can't believe. Now when I get to her house with her dinner every night, I bow down in front of her and ask what "Madame would like". It kind of breaks the tension, and after 2 minutes, when she forgets I do the same thing!

Kootie, you say you call your dad and it stresses you out, and then you say he calls you alot? Stop calling him..LOL let him continue to call you, and let the answering machine handle it, Then call back once a day (if needed) and handle it all at that time if possible? If you are not so readily available maybe he will realize what you are telling him about your and hubs health. He is in a group home, surely they can handle some things? He has you trained to run when he calls.. you need to take back some charge here!
And Jessie,, what sort of trash is she throwing on the floor? nasty smelling stuff or just papery junk? Maybe I would let it lay for awhile ( and I am OCD so I know how hard this could be)... But if she wants to sit around in trash.. so be it. If she gets on your case about the mess,, remind her it's her mess...LOL and if she wants to live in filth you will be glad to relocate to her liveing area, bedroom,, wherever she wants. Since she is sooo attached to it and doesnt think it belongs in the trash can.

That is some serious disrespect and contempt.
If it looks like a duck, walks like a duck, and quacks like a duck, it is just not some sweet old lady talking.

This behavior must stop because not even a slave deserves that. Hire a housekeeper to come in just for that, instruct the housekeeper in front of your mother to just pick up all the tissues, bottles, empty the trash, and this nice lady here will be paying you today. Then walk away. Be sure to explain to housekeeper that you will be adding a little bonus for hazard pay.

Oh, yes. I told my mother she should have bought a slave instead of having a daughter. Her recent thing is throwing all her trash and water bottles on the floor for her slave to pick up. It feels a lot like contempt. I know she could at least put the bottles on the table, instead of throwing them on the floor. She could actually put them in the garbage, but she is lazy. Lord, help us through this disrespect!