I am the one who lives closest to my mom. I have taken care of both of my folks for many years. All I asked my brother and sister to do was to call me periodically so I could explain what was happening to my folks. They refuse and only call my mom (dad passed away last year). She doesn't know the full story on most things, but they refuse to call and check it out with me. Now they are trying to tell ME what to do and I'm the one here, they aren't. I'm so frustrated! And they are BARKING orders at me from AFAR! Who this ultimately hurts is my relationship with my mother! Just wondered if there were others out there who have experienced sibling issues. (Also.....my brother handles the finances and is POA from 10,000 miles away!)
Assuming that they are just misinformed, and basically well-meaning, can you email them with a detailed explanation of the current situation? Write it out and remove all emotions - just the facts, Ma'am. Offer details from doctor's visits, and suggest they "check up on" you by calling her doctor or other caregivers. Inserting my personal prejudice here: break it up into paragraphs! The white space makes it easier to read.
Tell them you want them to understand the situation because you want Mom to get the best care, and you want family peace for her sake. Lie a little and say that you love them, and want them to know that Mom is getting good care, although she would benefit from visits.
Most people here have discovered that other people don't change. You can give them more facts, and try to get on their good side, but if that doesn't work, most of us have to learn to accept that WE have to be the ones to change. You have a wish to be recognized and respected and loved for all your hard work. You deserve that, but sometimes we don't get what we deserve. I hope you can get that respect from your mother and your friends.
Your siblings feel guilty because you're doing everything, so they're picking on you. That's unfair, very common, and may not ever change. The change you may need to make for your own serenity is to give up your expectations of how they should behave.
Feel free to come back and complain, because it's a painful situation you're in.
I feel your pain. I feel your frustration.
As SA says no POA NO CARE my mum wants me and another brother POA as we are the ones living here and im the main carer the rest are abroad and only get home 2 times a year.
WHY has your Bro got POA i just dont get it?
My sis rang from abroad last night SHE WANTS POA I told her that I would share POA with anyone in this family but her AND if she manipulates my mum into her even being part of it I will walk away and leave it all to her.
2 months ago she tried to buy this house off my mum for half its value behind our backs KNOWING that my mums house is the only ASSET she has to pay for her future care in a NH??
Blood thicker than water my ASS! I am half dead from trying to protect my mum from a thief of a SIL, a grabby hasnt seen her mum in 2yrs sister,a devious other sister who sobs on phone then tries to SCREW us behind our backs THANKGOD myself and my 2 brothers are so honest or my mum would be in serious trouble we have nothing but her welfare in mind therefore WE get POA!
Now my mom has another medical problem and wants me to contact both of them with information. I'm not willing to do so, as neither one seems willing to work with me and support all that I have done! So, talking with my mom tonite, I said I would communicate with them only if they would ever call me and find out from me what's going on. She basically tells me that they are much TOO BUSY and don't have time for that. In other words, their lives are important and mine is NOT! I'm now at the point that I don't even want to help her out! I think of all that I've done, and I guess she's not seen how much I've done to help her out. I'm so depressed!
If they email, reply only with "call me."
You wish your mother would love and value you. You deserve it, but you won't get it, especially as she gets older and more demented. You need to value yourself, and you need people who will agree with you that you are worthwhile.
Look to your friends, if you have any who haven't abandoned you. Look to your church. If you don't have one, consider choosing one, because it will help you feel how much God loves you. Can you get counselling, from a therapist, a pastor, a support group? Even try Al Anon. The people there learn to be self-loving in spite of the craziness of alcohol, which is a lesson we all need.
You are a good person, even if your family is too messed up to realize it. Come back and vent here whenever you want.
Doubt it will stop, but you'll feel better about saying it.
All you can do is set boundaries, easier said than done. But I'd certainly write ea sib and get my feelings out on the table and tell them the most constructive help needed is their physical presence for a few days while you take a break or money to hire in home help a few days a week.
Since the sisters know how hard the caregiver is working, we pretty much don't criticize or advise, unless asked. Our brothers are different. They are just full of...advice. Of course, they NEVER come to see the parents, they just stay home, 2,000 miles away and tell us what we OUGHT to be doing, feeding them, etc. When they respond to me with their "big ideas" I just tell them that their sisters will put that idea on the agenda for our next staff meeting (NOT!!!)
As for the brother who has the financial POA, if he gives you ANY trouble, tell him that Mom will be on the next plane, train, taxi, etc., to come live with him and his wife. You wanna make the rules bro? Then you do the caregiving.
As for Mom's stories being less than accurate, that is typical of dementia. We have a problem with Mom telling home health care people that she is being abused and mistreated by her daughters. I was known in the past for blowing up when I heard those lies! Then one nurse told me that they can tell Mom is well cared for, clean, well-fed, obviously getting her meds, etc. They don't see bruises and there is no evidence of abuse. She said yelling at her in front of the HHC people just makes US look bad. So now when she starts complaining, I just calmly tell her that obviously, if she is being mistreated or not receiving adequate care at home, we should find a professional care facility where she will receive 24/7 medical care for the rest of her life at her expense. If she would like me to, I can try to have her moved there by the end of the week. That generally shuts her up for a few weeks.
Is your mother mentally capable of making her own decisions? If not, you could apply to the court to get a general power of attorney, that will give YOU legal control over medical, legal and financial decisions. I HIGHLY recommend you find a local lawyer who practices elder care law. Some family law attorneys will do this. In the state where my parents are, they have to be evaluated by their own doc and by a psychologist to assess their mental state and ability to make decisions on their own behalf. If you can get that done, I doubt a judge would object to giving you a general POA especially since you are local.
Good luck. Caring for Mom is hard enough without back-seat drivers who are too far away to have a CLUE what's going on. And I don't buy for a minute that it's because they feel guilty. If they feel so darn guilty, then they can offer to help.
When we go to the doctor's or something happens to mom, I post it on the family section of facebook and that is as far as I will go.
Main care givers should put their foot down more and have very little contact with siblings who think they know better.
In four years no one in my family has been with mum 24/7?? how the hell would they know what its like?
I am dreading this meeting as a row is going to happen just glad my mum dosnt realise how much crap goes on behind her back! OR does she?
So no my relationship with my sister is done. It is a small amount of money...but it's not the money that bothers me...it's the fact that she stole from me...and my dad. I never would have guessed she would do that.
Recently I have been helping a family friend who is elderly. She was put in a nursing home against her wishes. After being there for 10 months, my mother asked for my help. Long story short...I got her out of the NH and back into her home with 24 hr. Care. She is very happy and I was happy to help. It was, and continues to be, a lot of work....but soooo worth it.
I just found out that my sister is listed as second to be this ladies POA....if my mother is no longer able to do it. Well, my mother is no longer able. She is 90 and having lots of troubles with her memory and just fell and broke her hip....
The kicker....my sister live pretty far away....is not an unselfish person...and my mom listed her as second to be POA because she is a CPA (the smart one...). I am a special Ed teacher....
I don't particularly want the job...but I would do it for this kind lady and because I know I would be honest. This lady has a lot of money....and I am sure my sister will somehow get a piece of that, for her troubles....it's so awful. She already got this ladies car, and got paid a lot of money for moving her from a second floor apt. To the first floor...a lot of money! I would have done it for free!
It's just so depressing. Money makes people crazy.
I too, at times, have felt that I am losing my mind. How can our mother raise such drastically different children?
I have 8 living siblings.
One hasn’t been seen in over 20 years. She is the mother of an evil niece and nephew that my mother and father raised.
One hasn’t even asked how my mom is doing since my father passed away in January 2013.
One (who was the closest to my parents) didn’t even drive by my mom’s house for 3 months after my dad passed away. Had no idea where she was.
One volunteered to take in my mom after my dad passed but failed to mention that his wife is extremely OCD and couldn’t deal with the complexities of my mom’s dementia.
Two are more concerned with whether or not they can get some of mom’s assets before she even passes away.
Two have been helpful.
I spent four years filing paperwork, taking care of medical issues for my father while he was ill, driving 11 hours (each way) to their home, once a month, and was on call all the time for one issue or another. I used to email all of them all the time to let them know what was going on. It would take weeks before I would get any response from some of them.
Now that my mom is living with us I’m not interested in updating everyone on a daily basis as to what is going on. Taking care of her is time consuming and I really don’t care what their issues are anymore.
I have DPOA and am taking care of all the medical issues that she has that were neglected for so many months by others.
I’m tired of worrying about getting help from them, because they won’t help. And, that isn’t going to change.
I don’t think that a single one of them have even picked up a book to read about dementia. Not one of them has helped in finding an assisted living facility for her when she does need to go into one. Not one of them has helped to fill out Medicaid or medical paperwork for her or my father for that matter.
For four years they all told me what I should and shouldn’t do to take care of my dad and mom’s health and financial issues. Not one of them lifted a finger to help deal with the niece that was stealing from them.
I finally told them that if they thought they could do a better job then I would buy a plane ticket for mom and send her to them. Not one volunteered (except for the brother with the controlling wife who made my mom’s life a living hell for 6 months).
I have 8 but I may as well have 2.
The happiest years of my life is when I had a falling out with my parents for about 2 years. I didn’t hear any of the drama that went on in my family and didn’t have to hear about all the things the niece was doing to my parents.
When my mom passes away, I will change my phone number and move on with my life and finally be free of it all. It simply isn’t healthy when you have a negative dynamic in your life. Not that my life is perfect. It is just easier without my siblings in it.
Lucky I have ONE brother who has been there for me emotionally and calls most nights to check on how things are going.
Like you when mum passes I will change my email,phone and only keep in touch with my one brother who was always there for me.
I will forgive my sisters but couldn't have them in my life again as if this has never happened you can forgive but ill not forget.
Just hope I have the strength next week to lay down the law and let it all out then so what I have to do and move on from them, have given up trying to get them to help let alone understand!
Thanks for giving me the opportunity to complain! I think the people on this site are compassionate, wonderful, and understanding. You're at the right place.