I waver between believing desperately in a force for Good and Kindness and Parity in this world and total Atheism.
Those who are "legitimately/ specifically" religious DO NOT READ FURTHER!
GOD is NOT easing my burdens, making a place for me at "HIS TABLE" I have no use for be-jeweled crowns, or arranged seating charts by burdens and goodness.
No GOD is taking my part or my place, Jesus is not cleaning grandpas urinals, or wiping feces off the walls. Mohamed is not standing between me and grandpas disgusting leering glances. Buddha is no where when I twitch,stressed out trying to sleep. Yahweh, Jehovah, RA, Zeus and the Prophet Moroni are NOT walking my steps with me and doing the work or soothing the aches of mind and body. I have prayed, begged, hoped, wished, VISUALIZED, pay'd it forward, meditated on it, slept on it and yearned for years of nothing but the same BS. IF I believed in a GOD of endless, repetitious misery, I would be an enigma in that I would have actual proof "of".
While my mom was in the hospital, I had her mechanic come over and disconnect the battery cables to her car (she was still driving occasionally, but had been getting lost a lot-it was WAY past time that she stop). Before she went to the hospital, she had her mechanic come over (because her car had a dead battery). She was unable to process the hospital, or anything else when she arrived home, and I felt it was "safer" for her NOT to drive. It was the FIRST time in my life, that I had EVER done something behind my mom's back, and the guilt was horrible. Three days after she got home, I was on my way over to her house to take her dinner to her, and I saw her car parked outside of the house (usually kept in the garage). My response was "oh sh*t" (kind of the same thing that I felt when she caught me smoking when I was a teenager. As I walked up the stairs to enter her home, I heard people talking (she NEVER lets ANYONE into her home). My response was "Whiskey Foxtrot Tango". As I entered her kitchen, there were two neighbors eating dinner with her (which she purchased for them), because these people had fixed her car for her! The irony here, is that these people are the SAME ones she'd been screaming and yelling at for over a year for doing anything and everything that she didn't like in their own yard! My response was "Alrighty then". So after a week of covert planning, and feeling terrible about what I had done, it took my Alzheimer, Dementia'd, Schizophrenic, and Bi-Polar mom all of about 2 hours to undo what I had strategically planned and implemented! My responses "Oh crap, Whiskey Foxtrot Tango, and Alrighty then" took about 5 minutes! God is a funny guy!~