I have given all three of my grown children strict instructions that I do not want them being a caregiver for me or there Dad, I took care of grampa at 28 till I was about 35 with my grandma, I worked for IHSS for 5 years with 2 patients different days of week when I was 40, and had a job at Target, I took care of FIL for 3 years when I was 50 and the most recent; 82 year old for 2 years, she's now with her son. And now my cousins dad has penal cancer and I will not go over there because I'll feel bad and get sucked into it again, I know it seems harsh but I'm done.. I'm in my 60's and so I put the law down with my kids. I even wrote a paper out and my friend will notarize Wednesday , in case I get stubborn in my later years. Does any one else feel this way from caregiving.. my kids are upset about it but I believe it's my gift to them because I love am so much and can't imagine them halfing to do that for me. I hope that I don't get to old and go in my sleep around 68 yrs old.. honestly I smoke and drink coffee outside of course so this is my plan.. never to be a burden.
I ask these questions because my mother would have also said that she never wanted to be a burden on her children. But once she reached her late 70s and started to become disabled, there was very little choice about it. She can not handle her own daily tasks such as shopping, cooking, banking, errands, drs appointments, etc. She can not afford paid help or assisted living. She does ask her grown children for help but if she didn't, what could we do? Someone has to push the wheelchair or she would not be able to get to the doctor, or the library or the grocery store. Someone has to haul the groceries into the house and put them away and wash her laundry and change her bedding. Yet she's not disabled enough to qualify for Medicaid and a nursing home.
My point is, avoiding become a burden requires some advance planning and perhaps substantial sacrifice, either now or in the future or both. It's easy (and laudable) to say that, but it can be very difficult to actually make that happen.
Son routinely pokes me in the ribs and says "you're going in a home!" I think he means it jocularly.
Daughter 2 has given me strict instructions not to die. I wasn't planning to just yet, anyway, but she insists this is an indefinite standing order. Since she is not an idiot, I trust she is expressing herself more in hope than expectation.
When the time comes, we will not be in control of their decisions. Do your springing DPOAs and medical/healthcare/welfare proxy homework; do your advance directive; and if you can afford it (and if your personal odds make it sensible) take out good quality long term care insurance.
But do not hope to be able to tell grown men and women how to feel, or try to decide in advance what will be right for them. Not your decision. Theirs.
After seeing the sticker shock at how much it cost for home caregivers and/or Assisted Living, I am glad I had been fugal all my life.... but the costs!!!! I need to cut more coupons since my parents were just shy of being 100.
After having looked after my parents for six years I am grateful that Rainman won't ever become my caregiver and if I had any other children I'd make sure they knew I did not want them looking after me in any capacity that would negatively impact their lives. It's almost become a joke - there is actually a character on Sponge Bob Squarepants called "old man Jenkins" that hobbles through scenes saying "I don't want to be a burden". But definitely- I DO NOT want to become anyone's burden!
Because of my caregiving years - at 52 and 55 years of age - hubby and I are already making adjustments to our home designed to allow us to stay here as long as possible. Unfortunately, our house is on top of a steep driveway and to get to an enterence involves steep stairs - so we now face the fact we will probably not be here as long as we'd like.
Which leads us to let go of a dream we've been cultivating for years - a vacation home on the Oregon coast. Sure - we might be able to sell it when the time comes for IL or AL but we'd rather not risk it AND we are investing the funds instead - feathering our nest egg now.
If I learned anything - well, anything besides the fact you can't reason with dementia - my biggest lesson, but I digress - it's that while a nursing home may be an unavoidable end point, having the money to pick a nice one - to have your own room - Can make a huge difference. It takes money. Period.
So, in the meantime we try walking that fine line between living for today - least we get hit by a bus tomorrow - and saving for our future.
Slowly learning how to step back little by little and let them find their own way there but at the same time I'm keeping a very close eye on them.
My husband and I are having "talks"now with our two children 29 and 20, and getting all the important documents together so they don't have to be in our shoes someday. My husband has stepped up like a brother for me in the situation and I will be forever grateful to him. He supports me in my down days and my good days
I'm trying to get real hard not let this time in my life with my parents become a burden. It really does Rob my thinking of anything else anymore. I try real hard to not let my kids see how stressed out I am every day because that affects them too.
Reading here with all of you has really really helped me every day...I am so thankful for this
site. Everyone sharing their personal stories, and hearing how they learn how to cope or interact with them instead of wishing this would all just go away and they would be better or their old selves again. I feel like I am just slowly watching my parents die.
I journal about my trials and also about my Joy's I'm experiencing with my parents. If my kids read my journal Sunday, I want them to see that I made it through the storm with Grace!
... and hope that when they face a storm with their parents someday maybe, that they too will make it through💜
I do secretly hope that I drop dead in my garden on a beautiful day... that's where I am right now...but please don't let it be today 😉
But of course no one will find me but the EMT people, because that would definitely be a terrible sight 😜
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