Had to move my Dad into a nursing home this week after a sudden dramatic decline in his mental and physical condition. He was confused and didn't understand what was happening so he went willingly until he got there. He called my Mom multiple times demanding that she pick him up and take him home. My Mom can no longer care for Dad. They are both 82. My heart is shattered for both my parents. I'm a mess and trying to be strong but my heart wants to get my Dad out of there.....
Monitor him very well. This will help you determine what you should do.
You know what you can and can not do.
If you go that route, please be sure to educate yourself about what you'll be taking on first. Go to Alzheimers.org and read up; also watch some Teepa Snow videos, they're wonderful.
Wishing you the best of luck!
You clearly love both your parents. It comes through in every word you've written. I have no doubt your heart breaks for both of them. But, if your mom isn't able, physically, mentally or emotionally to provide the level of care your dad needs, then he's in the right place. There will still be care you will provide for him, even in his new home. But now, you will have professional help to assist you and mom. And that's a GOOD thing. You will have someone to manage his medications, to get his meals, to wash and bathe him. Someone to keep an eye on him. You will have someone who can take care of dad when you can't be there - and trust me, unless you're willing to become a hermit, it's next to impossible to glue yourself to someone's side 24 hours a day 7 days a week for weeks on end. At some point you have to leave your home to take care of things.
Please, don't let other voices here add to your guilt. People love to tell you what they would do in your situation, when the very real fact is NO ONE knows what they would do in your situation until they're actually in it. In the ideal, we all like to think we can be all things to all the people we love, when the harsh reality is that is almost impossible. And it doesn't make you a failure as a daughter. Be kind to yourself, comfort your mom, and enjoy the visits you can make with dad, and in the end, it will work itself out.
(((hugs)))
Such a great answer! I wish I had read that back in 2015 when I needed to move my mom into a facility after living in my childhood home since 1968.
The next time I have a day when I start doubting my decision(s), I will have to reread your comment.
Well said - thank you.
Thank you for your opinion. I honor it.
Now can you do the same for me, too? Can you honor my opinion?
The OP stated her heart was shattered for both of her parents. She also stated that her heart wants to get her dad out. I wouldn't want the OP to have "a broken heart."
If the OP leaves her dad in the nursing facility "that is fine" and if she brings him home "that is fine." I would want her to follow her heart's desire. Not trying to make her feel guilty. It is her decision, not mine. What ever she decides to do is not right or wrong.
This is why I said "I am not saying what you should do but what I would do."
Today is a beautiful day. Let's be kind to one another and everything we say and do, let's do it with "Love."
I have given you my heart. Blessings and Love
Her stay turned out to be the BEST FIVE AND A HALF YEARS of her elder life.
When I recently assumed responsibility for a second cherished family member, we returned to the same facility, this time taking a placement in their also very good Memory Care. The process entering was about the same, and because this dear soul had a slightly different personality, I used the services of the on site psychiatric advisor to help her adjust to the loss of her old home and adjustment to the new.
In each case, I stayed in daily contact with the facility but did not visit until the staff and I thought it was a good time for them to see me.
Since you know that it is an unfortunate fact of dementia that it is nearly ALWAYS PROGRESSIVE, taking your dad out, however well intentioned, can result in a painful attempt to delay the inevitable. Give him a week or two at least, to adjust to his new environment.
If you can possibly convince your mom to reduce the time she answers the phone, try that.
It is in fact the hardest and worst experience for both Loving Parent and Loving Child, but in many instances, also ultimately the most loving decision among all of the less than happy choices available to you all.
Safety, peace, and physical care. The goals facing the caregiver.
If there is no problem for you to care for him "I would get him out in a heart beat."
I'm not saying what you should do but what I would do if I felt I could care for him.
Bless you
Or, he won't, and will always complain. It's not uncommon for elders to be perfectly happy in nursing homes, enjoying companionship with people their own age, but then whinge endlessly to family just to get attention.
It's irrelevant either way; he's where he needs to be and you must make certain that you or your Mom don't give in and remove him.