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When a relative was in rehab after a stroke, there were various patients who wouldn’t do the work. One day when I was there the head doctor of the facility, a normal nice soft-spoken man, visited the patient in the room across the hall. I was startled that the doctor laid into that goy so forcefully. He raised his voice and emphatically stated exactly what would happen if the patient didn’t do the work. “Your muscles will waste away and you won’t be able to walk again,” on and on etc. Then doctor states that they were giving him a chance to get back to normal and he damn sure better take it, etc etc. it was one fantastic motivational speech, loud and emphatic. I don’t know what happened to that guy, but if it had been me, I would have been too scared about the consequences not to comply.
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Cover999 Jul 2022
He is right though maybe he could have used a better way to convey that.
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Omg! This is exactly what I’m going thru with my father who refuses to do his exercises with his PT and OT.
The exercise are so SIMPLE, but he acts like they’re making him run a marathon 🤦🏽‍♀️ He’s sleeping like a baby with NO PAIN, but when he sees either the PT or OT, OMG! he says his pain activates. They tell him he needs to move to reduce the pressure on his back because all he does most of the day is sleep. His exercise are like 20 minutes each session, once or twice a week. My dad has stage 4 lung cancer and I think by him laying down the whole day is making his dizziness worse day after day. Good luck to both of us. We only want what’s best for our loved ones.
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CrisisCoaching Jul 2022
I am sorry to hear your dad has stage 4 lung cancer.

And I am sorry that you are losing your dad ...

Stage 4 of any terminal illness is an emotional roller coaster... Some people feel happy they are passing away soon, some are scared, frustrated, angry, depressed, in denial... Adding: he may not know how to please you and also manage his pain. Painkillers also affect thinking- make him sleep more.

Your dad probably does feel more pain when awake. Sleep takes brain activity to a deeper level. The pain might manifest as nightmares, though.

Can you let your dad make the last decide on how he wants his last chapter to go?

Enjoy the time you have left together. Ask how he wants you to help him, versus assuming. At stage 4, he might be deciding if he is just ready to let go.

It doesn't matter if to you the exercises seem "simple." If he is exhausted, to him these exercises are overwhelming.

I had surgery last fall. I was told to walk a lot after surgery. Yeah, right! For two months, I was dizzy and light headed just sitting up. I am eight months out now. I still can't walk as far as I did before surgery. I don't have a terminal illness. I am a COVID and vaccine long hauler.

Everyone recovers different. Be your dad's comfort person. Let the doctor, OT and PT be the ones to challenge him more.

Your dad might not care if PT buys him 1-2 months more to live.

In general, if someone terminal or quite elderly is sleeping more and more or sleeping away full days often, it can mean they are getting ready to cross over.

Enjoy quality time with your dad. He may be ready for hospice.
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Those suggesting to hire assorted caregivers keep in mind those of us that simply cannot afford it. Financial limitations are a reality for many struggling in the caregiving role. We know it's hard and kind words (as opposed to letures) can salvage a difficult day.
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CrisisCoaching Jul 2022
US: You may qualify for Dept of Social Services IHHS ( in home support service) caregiver help. The government pays for it.

Canada: Each province medical plan can arrange for an Occupational Therapist to visit and assess needs, and help get you required care.

If he is a Vet, Veteran benefits pay for it.

If you have health insurance your doctor can write an insurance request that it is medically necessary.
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Did you get help? I am seeing this 8/1/22. When insurance declines, doctors can recode and submit a new request based on "medical necessity." Reconsideration or Appeals take too long - up to six months. Writing a new request with better coding and explanation usually this is approved.

Once you leave hospital in US, the hospital can't arrange out patient therapy. Call family doctor for medically necessary referral.

Meanwhile, vent your frustrations to a friend or psychologist, not at your husband. It can take MONTHS for anesthesia to work itself out of the body. You could both get support from counseling covered by insurance on how best work together. He probably has a mix of emotions: fear, anxiety, embarrassment he can't fix this faster/ better, feels like he is emasculated and letting you down, angry, frustrated, and flat out needing rest to recover.

Knee replacement recovery bounceback varies depending on person. Everyone is different.

Be his cheerleader, not his disciplinarian. Being the "bad guy" will negatively impact your marriage and sex life.

Let his doctor and PT be the one to challenge him. He needs a soft trusted supportive person.

I hope he is doing better now. I don't know your husband's personality. If he isn't great at sharing feelings, does he have a guy buddy who can get him out for coffee or a beer? If he is depressed, it might give him a place to talk and to cheer up.

Riding his bum will probably get you nowhere - except more frustrated.
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