Anyone having a fallout & losing siblings over parent's care?

Yes, this has happened to many carers on our site. Suggestions that might help:

* Provide details of a medical diagnosis of dementia. If you don’t have that, give details of the symptoms you are seeing, and ‘official’ information about dementia that confirms your own diagnosis.
* Find some information about dementia that includes the fact that it will include many many criticisms, many lies, and a lot of misinformation.
* Send the same information to your aunt, who may have more experience. If she understands, ask her to contact your sister, who presumably is also her niece.
* Make sure your information also tells her about ‘show-timing’, so she doesn’t make judgements based on just a short exposure (like a phone call).
* Ask if your sister can visit to see things for herself, preferably for a week to give you a break.
* Look up the information on ‘care topics’ (top RHS of your screen) for D for Driving, and send it to her in an email – the danger to father and other road users, how common this problem is, and how dreadful it will be if father kills an innocent person in another car and the family has to deal with the legal fall-out.

Many people have found that it is really hard for relatives to understand and accept the implications of dementia. We regularly have new posters who use this site to educate themselves. You may have to educate your sister, who can’t even see for herself.

Good luck! Margaret

For YOUR peace of mind, HAVE HIS COGNITIVE STATUS PROFESSIONALLY ASSESSED.

Ask his physician to recommend a PROFESSIONAL (psychiatrist, neurologist, psychologist, social worker) TRAINED in GERIATRICS, and request that that specialist’s report include your father’s ability to manage ADL, ESPECIALLY from the standpoint of PERSONAL SAFETY and ability to function independently in a familiar environment.

When you have gotten your copy of the report, MAIL A COPY to your sister.

The relationship between you and your sister may or may not survive this. It may be fractured but not permanently disrupted. Once she has read the professional report, the ball will be in HER COURT.

I myself learned to avoid ANY VERBAL INTERACTIONS when there was hostility between my fellow POA and me. I communicate now ONLY by text or email, because I keep records of everything he accuses me of.

Many relationships among siblings/mutual caregivers are disrupted during caregiving. You, as the hands on caregiver AND POA, have the ABSOLUTE RIGHT to being a conscientious and responsible caregiver TO YOURSELF.

For the time being, you MUST place your father’s needs and YOUR NEEDS far FAR beyond whatever needs your sister THINKS SHE HAS, whatever has caused them.

The advice to send your sister medical, factual info is great. She won’t likely argue with facts that don’t come from you. The Alzheimer’s Association website has lots of good info.
“More of a burden than a help” describes what a sibling of mine was in the care of my dad. What I quickly decided was that only one person can argue and I wasn’t having any part of it. I distanced myself from his tirades, hired extra help for my dad so I didn’t depend on his non-helpful help, and communicated on a need to know basis only. I wasn’t rude, just didn’t participate in his mess.

Sadly we hear about siblings fighting over a loved ones care a lot on this forum. And usually it's the sibling(s) that doesn't live close, or doesn't want to do the hands on caring, that likes to complain to the one caring, how things should be done or not done.

After reading what you wrote at the bottom of this post, that your sister doesn't even think that dementia is real, has to be one of the most ignorant things I've ever read. Perhaps if she would actually do her homework, and learn about dementia, she could better assist you in the care of your father.

So if your sister thinks she can do a better job caring for your father, tell her that she can come and get him. I'm guessing that that will shut her up in heartbeat.

But honestly and realistically, you probably need to place your father in the appropriate facility, as the stress is taking its toll on you, and with you having seizures, that's not good in any way shape or form. Seizures can kill you, as you already know, and I'm not sure all this is worth losing your life over. So please take care of you first, and do whatever is necessary to cut down on the stress in your life. God bless you.

Martz, not the first or only problem with your caregiving at this time, and your recent posts show you are truly having a tough time of it now. With the best of set up it may soon be impossible for you to continue in this care. Your health is the first and most important concern; you have told us a few times that it is getting much worse.
The boundaries you have set for your sister have been ignored. You are now going to have to enforce them. Say a letter telling her how often she is allowed to contact you unless there is an emergency. You are correct in supposing that this has a very real chance of changing your relationship for the rest of your lives, and in all truth I would rather have this sister, in her own denial and hence believing everything Dad chats with her about, calling an assisted living which WILL control her actions.
Only you can make the decisions about how much you can take in terms of continuing to care for Dad. I would make it clear to your Sis that her continuing in this manner will leave HER responsible to Dad's entering into LTC, and that then she can both chew on that for a lifetime, and can attempt to bother ALF or NH in the same manner she adds to your burdens.
I am so sorry all of this continues with problem upon problem piled onto your already full plate. I know you are here often, participating in the forum, so the one thing you can recognize is that you are not alone; that doesn't make it easier.

Absolutely agree with Alva Deer and funkygrandma59 that it may be time to stop the caregiving for your father. You have been under so much stress for months now. And seizures! That is serious!

Just because your sister said he can't go into a care home and he can't live with her (read that in one of your previous posts) doesn't mean that YOU have to provide the care for your father.

What are his finances? How would a facility be paid for? Would he be Medicaid-eligible? Just how much care are you providing for him?

PLEASE PLEASE put yourself FIRST and do not be a martyr.

Sounds like Dad needs to spend two weeks visiting your sister or your aunt.

For your sanity, put space between yourself and those toxic in your life. I have had to do that with a brother who lives in the same town as my father and I. Since he hasn't bothered to see his father since August 11th, I have stopped giving him updates and then him questioning what I do. For whatever reason, many siblings check out when needed most. Quit the arguing or trying to rationalize with someone who refuses to have an open mind. You are doing the very best you can for your father. You will receive the blessings.

I know you know this, but you can only change your own behavior. You can’t change what others do.

Take a vacation from all this drama. Get your own health in order. You don’t have to explain anything to anyone why you are doing this. It’s your business.

With a calm mind and better health, you can make well-considered decisions. Good luck!

Yes! I had a few issues with both my brothers, especially with my father and his dementia/care and it spilled over to after he died. Then we were better with my mother's situation but distance causes all sorts of issues and misunderstandings. Older parents cause trouble with complaints and absent siblings feel as though they are doing something by complaining, ordering, bullying (?) the one that has most of the caring duties (often the daughter 🙄).
It can be a nightmare and you need to do what you can to protect your sanity.
Things may get better later (they have between me and mine) especially if you had a good relationship before.
Remember none of it is your fault. You can only do your best.
Good luck! x

I think you need a big break. It is terribly stressful taking care of a parent. I think your sister needs to come and “take over” for a full week. Her eyes will open to all you are going through.

I really, really hope you don’t jeopardize your own health for your father. As much as you love and care for him, you have to take care of yourself mentally, emotionally and physically.

Maybe try to think things through and get some help.
Best wishes.

Since your family can do better, I suggest you pack him up and have your dad live with your sister who is micromanaging. Since your father is complaining about you, all the more reason to have him leave and live with your aunt or sister. You owe him nothing.

Oh wow this is hard! I to had the same thing happen. I worked full time, managed my moms meds while my system lived there and was no help at all except to feed my mom. She micromanaged me also. I can’t imagine being the caregiver and being talked about. Do manage who puts you down. You are there you see his needs. Take care.

I for one am totally impressed with you, the way you put boundaries up HIGH, protecting yourself from your armchair quarterback sister. Most siblings never do that. They just keep putting up with the abuse. Maybe it’s time for her to get her butt on a plane or car and come get your father and take him back to live with you. I would send her a letter stating this. If she’s so concerned, come get him, as you know she would be a fantastic caregiver.

I have 4 siblings and am also POA and its never been worse. We used to be close knit but now its ww3. This is a very common problem.
What i do now through text and zoom meetings ONLY is act as if this is a corporation. I give everyone the platform to vent and and if they have issues with care - i ask THEM to go out and resource the solution. Not just complain, you need the solution or together we come up with a middle ground that satisfies both sides.
YOU are POA and were selected to be POA because your father saw something in you to take care of his best interests and that is your job at this time.

I suggest you get help at least 4 hours a day possibly a shared cost. It is easy to tell someone who lives with a sick parent while they have their feet up watching tv and relaxing with a bottle of wine.

Tell her she can be supportive by paying for your dads care of x amount of hours per week and e-transfer $ to the caregiver. (she may not but see) This way she can tell that person to do whatever she wants done during those hours. Also you can take reasonable $ monthly for caring for him in your home.

If you express concern privately to his doctor regarding dementia - and have the doctor deem him incapable of making decisions. (if he truly can't -they will make an assessment) you can enforce the POA and no one can interfere with your decisions - and he will not get his license - blame it on the doctor. What you will find is that everything will be blamed on you so you need to be strong. Just stay strong. I have the same problem and had to keep telling myself that this is about dad NOT us.

see a lawyer and seek advise - see what your rights are -

keep all documents with you and share nothing. You can answer questions but are not obligated to show anything.
You are the chosen one so do what you know is right. Put your dads bank account in both your name if you still can so you can easily make financial decisions.
TALK TO YOUR LAWYER - BANKER and listen to your heart - Dementia has broken tones of families - try and listen to all and get the family to come up with their own solutions to their complaints because its easy to complain.
Good luck.

You are the one who stepped up to care for your dad. It is a difficult, stressful, and often thankless job. Your sister and aunt need to be supportive not critical. I too have lost a sister because of my mother's need for care due to dementia. I have also blocked her number to avoid the drama.
Tell you sister she is right....you can't care for dad so you are bringing him to her house so she can take over. Then watch her attitude change. Lol. I joke that I am going to leave my mother on sisters porch, ring the bell and run. At least I think it's a joke. 🤔😏. Hang in there pal.

I have three brothers, 2 of which no longer have contact with me. All because I asked for help with our mother. Their lives were more important than mine. I am the oldest. I helped raise them and I helped them anytime they needed me. Went out of my way for them time after time. My baby brother and my niece stepped up and helped me all they could. Mom is now in memory care. Her dementia went far beyond just being forgetful and not being able to take care of herself. She was violent and tried to hit, bite, scratch and kick me. I finally got help from a social worker at a geriatric hospital. Sometimes all I needed was moral support and those two could not be bothered. Mom has been in MC facility for just over a year and those two haven't seen or talked to her in two years.
The decision was theirs to cut me off, so if they can live with it so can I. My dad would be very disappointed with them. He passed 9 years ago. It's a sad situation but I had to accept it.

I do get along with my sisters, so I will tell a couple of things that I think help us. It might be too late for you, but it might help others reading this. First, however, I will say that a lot depends on the siblings personalities and relationship to start with. I lucked out. Not everyone does, and there might not be anything you can do.
#1. My sisters and I have a scheduled weekly conference call. We have done this for many years, since my younger sister had cancer (now in remission). We talk about ALL the things going on in our lives, including our parents health.
#2. I take their ideas seriously enough to research them and sometimes act on them. For instance recently, my older sister had concerns about my mom getting the Covid-19 vaccination. My first reaction was to go on the defensive, but I know my sisters want the best for my mom, so I read the article she had seen, googled for more information, talked to my mom's hospice nurse, talked again to my sisters, and we all decided that it would be best for my mom to get the vaccine. It can be a little more trouble, but it is worth it to me to have my sisters on my side.
#3. I really really listen to my sisters. We talk about how what I see visiting twice a week, what they get from phone calls and infrequent, but longer visits and what my mom's caregivers see is different, and all provides valuable insight to my mom's condition.
Finally, I will say that our relationship began in childhood with our parent's encouragement, so encourage your children and grandchildren to get along with each other so when things get difficult, they will have each other.

sounds like its time for a long care place that way everyone can let you alone and they can contact the facility to see how he is doing.  either that or do not answer their phone calls(which I see you have blocked their calls).  you know that you are doing the best you can and if they don't like it, ask them if they would like to take over for awhile......of course get the POA transferred or whatever (not sure if you can do that), contact an Elder attorney on that matter.  wishing you luck.

Reach out to sister and the aunt again - both on conference call if you can. Explain what is going on even though dad is telling a different story. If you can video some of the thing he does, do so. It is quite common for those w/dementia to sound very sane and very convincing when they talk to others. Might not know the date or president when you ask, yet they can provide that info and many more details when asked by someone else. And you have to understand, whatever their broken brain perceives as truth is truth to them (someone hit them, refused to feed them, etc).

Try again to mend fences and tell them you are trying, stories he has relayed are not the truth but he can't help it. Invite sister/aunt to come and spend a couple of weeks with him to observe on their own. Lastly, let them know you are doing the best you can, given his condition, and you completely understand that if they aren't there to see things first hand, they can't possibly know what is going on. Without being angry, ask if either of them would prefer that he come to stay with either of them to ensure he gets the quality of care that they may believe he does not get from you.

If dad has money, hire some people to help you out with his care to take some of the burden off (if his other family is not wiling to help out). If he has no money, ask sister and aunt if they would like to donate to his cause to hire some additional help for his care.

In closing, if neither of them offers any help or to come stay with him for a few weeks, then sum up the conversation with them - as I understand it, neither of you can help so my only request as I try to do this alone is that you support my efforts and have some belief in what I tell you about his condition instead of assuming what he says is a problem. You might also ask, if you really believe I am not giving him adequate care, why haven't either of you been here to help him?

Doubt either will help. If they honestly thought you were not treating him right, they would/should have already shown up to see for themselves. But you have given them option to help. Any more comments from them?? - just reply with what can you do to help me? When they suggest something you should be doing? What can you do to help me with that.

Your sister is a thorn in your side. Your aunt nor your sister are your dad’s caregivers. You are! They have no clue what is going on in his life or yours.

You are doing your very best and don’t need your father pitting your sister against or your aunt against you. They should be interested in hearing your side.

I have my own experience with a mom who stirred the pot with my siblings when I was the one who did all the heavy lifting! They wanted to remain mom’s favorites so they weren’t interested in hearing my side.

I developed health issues from all of the stress, not to mention not being able to eat because of nerves being unstrung and depression.

I couldn’t take anymore and got so tired of scrutiny that I ended up telling my mom that since she and my brothers felt like they could do better, than they could take over her care!

I had mom for 15 years in my home. Now my brother has her.

Mom’s doctors said that I took excellent care of her and that is all that matters to me.

I am no longer interested in what my brothers’ opinions are and I am finally at peace.

You’ve heard the expression, ‘Consider the source.’ Do not allow them to degrade you. I am glad that you blocked your sister’s number.

Your sister should know better than to push you. You can push back harder!

Most likely you have already tried to remedy this situation and ended up at this forum as a result from frustration and exhaustion.

Wishing you all the best as you tackle this heart wrenching situation.

It's been said here before...if they don't like it, how you're handling things, dump it all in their cute little laps.
I think the division of siblings is far more common than you realize. It was discussed many times at a local support group. Then there are the others who have NO siblings to share the burden...that too is not good.
What really got me is that here I am doing my best to balance looking out for the elders and all that involved, bill paying, advocating, locating resources, shopping for the house or groceries, planning meals, cooking, working part-time, cleaning, laundry...and on. Then in late Sept I had the aortic dissection, which is often fatal and my snot sister had the nerve to BLAME ME. Never mind my balancing act sparing her out of state self any of the burden. She blames me for having high blood pressure I should have known about which is a potential contributing factor. And while she is unemployed did she even try to stay here longer to potentially be of assistance to the elders or to me? NOPE. ZERO sense of obligation or commitment to family. ZERO. She owes them NOTHING. ANd if I had died? I guarantee you she would have found a way to conserve her own physical energy as much as possible, and put the house on the market and the elders in a nursing home or assisted living, fooling herself that she just had to wait to get the grand inheritance by default, without realizing how much assisted living or the nh costs. To top the cake off she expected to be reimbursed for her travel expenses and incidentals when she came in see me while i was still alive, and later told me she hoped I "survived".

Imho, I hear you on this subject. I really do. I was my mother's out of state caregiver and it was me who had to move in with her. Even my mother's former employer said "Your brother only shows up for the party." Turns out this gentleman was correct as when I said to my brother that it was his turn on the caregiving, he said "I won't do it." Well, okay then. The moral of the story is if the non caregiving sibling is not in the active caregiving role, they CANNOT and SHOULD NOT have any right to complain. Prayers sent.

I agree with everything here. The only thing I would add is the following: sometimes siblings displace their anger, guilt and fear About the parent with the primary caregiver. Acknowledging that might mean she had to look at herself, and that is so unpleasant, she might gladly dig into even more fights and judgment. I held on for eight years, but finally got my mom onto Medicaid and into a facility I researched the hell out of. It took two years. Everyday I remind myself that she is safe and cared for. I am still vigilante about her care. I still feel guilty. I am still dealing with the long term trauma of the stress. My relationship with my brother is irreparably damaged. But particularly as my moms health issues accelerate, I know she is in the best place, because if I wasn’t alive there would be no one to look out for her.

bless you for all that you’re doing.

I'm sorry you are having to do this, but as long as you are caring for dad, it has to be on your terms -- for your own health.

Sorry to hear about your situation. It sounds so stressful. I dont have fallout with my siblings over my parents care. But, I have fallout with the step-parent and wider extended relatives. But, I dont care about them. They mean nothing to me and have never been a source of any support whatsoever in my life,

One of two others have suggested already but I think it could be an idea to let her know that if she does not like how the care is being done then she can take him in and do it herself. And then ask her if she wants to do that.

It is sad when our siblings not only don't help, but go beyond that and make MORE work and MORE stress. It sounds like you had an okay relationship with her before, and perhaps later, after dad passes, maybe it can be reclaimed. Maybe. Depends on her. You don't sound like someone who would hold a grudge, but she may refuse. So be it, either way. You can't control that.

For now, your health and care for your dad should be your only concerns. What she or auntie cook up, they can eat. It is fairly clear sis isn't going to listen to anything you have to say (doesn't believe in dementia??? Quacko?) Auntie is in her own little world too. Focus on yourself and dad.

Rely on your "sisters" and "brothers" here on the forum for your moral support! Keep those shields up Scotty! Blocking her calls and texts at least keeps her diatribes at bay. There isn't much you can do to stop your dad from calling those 2 and making all kinds of complaints and accusations. As someone else pointed out, it takes 2 to argue, so if you won't she's just blaring into the wind! You asked her to back off, and she didn't, so you did the right thing by blocking her.

BTW, having POA does NOT require you to share ANYTHING with her - actually it's the opposite, it's none of her business. So she can't even argue that.

The dad complaints and accusations are also very common. They are generally directed at the person closest to them, care-giver, whether family or not. Since the other 2 won't listen to you and I doubt they will take the time and effort to learn anything, they will only hear his side and will likely believe him. It doesn't sound like she would step up to take on his care, even for a week or two, so perhaps you can plant a bug in dad's head for him to ask her to take him? Leave notes around that he'll see to remind him to ask, as he'll likely forget. Maybe if he starts asking her, she'll back off and stop calling him, for fear of him moving in?? 

Does he have enough income or assets to hire some help for you to care for him? Is there enough for any kind of facility? If not, are his income/assets low enough to qualify for Medicaid? Eventually you may have to consider placement, for your own well being, but you also need to have a plan in place in the event of a medical emergency for you. As POA, you need to have medical and financial plans for any situation, plan ahead! You know she's not the one to take care of it!

"I hate to say it but my father is driving a wedge between us..."
It's not likely his intention, but it is the end result, especially when the others allow it. Not a lot you can do about that, you can't control him or them, only yourself and your reactions to it all. Cutting off contact with the other side is about all you can do, but it should help. You know you are trying to do you best for dad. Keep those 2 at bay and try to ignore things he says about you - it is the dementia talking, not him.

I've posted various replies to others regarding my brothers and their inability to understand or help, plus the verbal and physical abuse. Suffice it to say that when all is said and done, I will be an only child. We can't divorce siblings, but we CAN cut them out of our lives. I'd already had no contact with OB in over 2.5 years. YB almost does it for me... takes SO long to respond, if he even does, but when the ink dries and the checks are mailed, I'm SO done with both of them. I have no plans to try to rebuild a bridge, that time is over for me. I *may* send a final letter, and plan to say the worst of all was that neither of you could be bothered to visit your mother. She used to ask about them, but eventually stopped. Live with that, you 2 jerks!

I have seen this happen over and over again in families and I wish I knew the answer. She won't take him in to care for him and you are suffering horribly from the effects of his situation and her reprisals against you. In a case like this, and since nothing else has worked to solve the problem, I would make immediate arrangements to have him placed in a facility. If this makes things worse with your sister, ask yourself do you want to have a relationship with her if it is so toxic? Why would you want to do that. Sometimes we must make total breaks and walk away for our own sanity and safety. Please start doing something to get this behind you.

My sister and I had an actual fist fight. LOL. It was actually comical because we’re over 50 and could barely throw the punches with our arthritis. But she, too, was micromanaging my mom’s care from another state. Yet, she doesn’t want the responsibility of taking over my mom’s care. We still talk, but I’ve banned her from coming for visits. She drives me crazy in only a few minutes. So, she visits with my mom via Skype—whenever she is not too busy in life. You got to love it. People are unbelievable. Hang in there. If sister or Auntie want full time responsibility, let them have it. Then, they’ll change their behavior.

My sister will not even stop by or talk to my mom for over a month at a time, then have the nerve to act like I'm the one not keeping on her care. For example, I have spent the last month getting every thing in line for mom to have a knee replacement. I've taken time off of work to take her to multiple appointments in a town an hour away, talked to multiple doctors while arranging the surgery and appointments, took more time off of work for her recovery so she won't be alone, blown through all of my PTO, spent hours at the hospital during the surgery and learning how to do all of her exercises, etc. and she didn't even stop by to see her before the surgery until I reminded her several times. She's not working and lives about a mile away.

She likes to act mom isn't any work at all and then imply criticism like I'm not taking care of her well. I've recently started to ask her for help financially when things come up that mom wants or needs, not because I think she'll help but so she knows that mom costs money and I spend money on her all the time. It really changes how you see your siblings, makes you resent them. I don't even want to be around her anymore. I've started to notice how most of the time when she calls me it's because of something she needs or wants. I don't really like her as a person anymore .