I'm sorry but I was mean. Did anyone else lose your temper? I'm not sure I can live with this guilt.

Who knew there were so many of us struggling with guilt? I used to think I was the only member of the 'bad daughter club' but then I found this community, and another good forum agespace/chat/topic/5-the-bad-daughter-club/ which also reflects my experience and makes me feel less alone - and less guilty. Thank you for sharing!

It is hard for you, very hard. But, also, it is hard for your mother.Try to think of her as a patient.Maybe she feels safer when she leans on everything. Maybe it reminds you of her younger,brighter days.At that time she was there for you. I found the shifting of roles very difficult too. Hang in there!

My best friend's grandma just passed away 3 days ago at 93. Debbie (my buddy) is married but she and her grown son have been living at grandmas house 4 blocks away, 6 days and nights a week to be her caregiver.
It wasn't too difficult in the beginning, but the last 3 years have been pure hell. Grandma wasn't able to walk after a fractured hip, so my BF was transferring her. Unfortunately, she really screwed up her neck, then wasn't able to lift her. She'd call her retired husband to come over to put her on the potty. Her son took over at night, after getting home from work. Every day there were hundreds of requests from grandma. I know, I'd be on the phone wih her. She'd want milk then refuse to drink it. Same with the commode, get on it then want to get off because she "didn't have to go now!" Anytime she saw Debbie on the phone, she'd start hollering for her to get her something. Deb would always interrupt our conversation to tend to grandma, but grandma couldn't think of anything to have her do. It was just a play for attention. If she walked out to the garage to do some exercise, grandma would start screaming. This went on 24 hours a day. How she kept her sanity, I don't know. She started getting impatient with her and occasionally hollering at her. Who wouldn't, when you are being played. Well, she died 3 days ago and now my friend is filled with remorse for having gotten mad. I tried to tell her she was just reacting normally. We wouldn't take that kind of abusive treatment from anyone else. Because you got mad and defended yourself doesn't mean that you don't love her and that she doesn't love you. Grandma's last words were, "I love you honey." Even in a slightly demented state and at 93 years old, the occasional angry outburst can't squash the love underneath.

To rwarren69: I think you need to assess the things that cannot be changed and the things that can. I am an only child, too; my mom passed away 4 years ago at the ago of 84. I know the feeling of looking at your mom and not understanding why she can't walk unaided, fix her pills by herself and basically be strong so that you can live your life and depend on her. I was in my early 60s when my mom was having her problems. I was retired, but working part time and am married. Mom needed more care than we were able to give her, so we found an ALF about five minutes from my home. Maybe it's time to make a mutual decision and visit some ALFs near you? Your mom's condition is not likely to change, and she is in danger of falling and being in worse condition. Be sure to stay with her, stay for lunch, let it be her choice. Don't be angry or negative. If you can work that out, it will relieve some stress from both of you. She might need and want help, but she doesn't want to be dependent on you. If you help decorate her room, take some things from home and visit her often I think she will surprise you. Encourage her to read and to watch TV, as well as to participate in the activities. I was very impressed with the ALF where my mom stayed until her death. The owner and staff were like family to us. They still are.

Once you deal with your mom's needs, take care of yourself! We don't realize how much caretaking shows in our lack of energy, facial expression and general demeanor. You will be amazed at how much better a week of rest will do for you. Then, you can seek employment or whatever you decide to do. As much as you don't trust your doctor, try another and get your health under control. Since your expertise is in IT, perhaps you can even get a
job working from home? I have to have online help more than I want to admit. :) That would be my plan. I hope it helps you in some way. I sense your aggravation and tension (and sometimes anger), and I recognize those feelings well. In my case and I am sure in yours, there is life after losing your mom. You will miss her more than you ever thought possible. That is why it is important to work out a more peaceful relationship now and enjoy your time together. PS. You mentioned that your Nana was an Eastern Star. If you contact a chapter and tell them who she was, they might be able to give you some information or assisstance. My heart and prayers are with you. Keep in touch.

I see this is an older post from 2014, but I'm so happy that it resurfaced! I had my mother living with my husband and myself for over a year. As mom got worse, so did my temper..(which wasn't fair to either one of us). She was in assisted living for a little over a year and moved to memory care this past June (same facility). I still probably blow up about once a month. I know it isn't her fault, and I'm sure it gives the aides a show (they are always giggling after hearing me go into a rant - and I'm glad that they are, a sense of humor is very important to keep me grounded). The latest is mom's time awareness, or lack of it. She thinks that people are lying to her about it being nighttime and even show her that it is dark outside. "OH MY GOD MOM, AS WONDERFUL AS THESE GIRLS ARE, THEY DON'T HAVE THE ABILITY TO TURN OFF THE SUN JUST TO MESS WITH YOU!".

Call you local Area on Aging and your Mother may qualify for a few programs. How often do you sort her medicine? There are planners out there weekly and monthly. You are doing a fine job. But you need a little help for yourself. Some caregiver company's have as little as a 3hr period that you could go out yourself and do something for YOU. Possibly your Mother is dehydrated or possibly has one of the dementias. Ask her doctor for home health.. They will come out and access her and possible have physical therapy and more. Why is she holding on the things as she walks? Is she dizzy, do her legs feel weak. Try to rephrase some things you are asking her to do. Tell her one thing at a time. Are there support groups in your area? Talk to your minister after making a list of the three top things that you would like help with. Some people do not know how to help you and your Mom unless you tell them.

I'm so very grateful that you all get MAD and are honest about it.
I'm at the end of my caregiving rope as well. I've never been mean my whole life

But I am now

Dianemarie,
Chances are that you're not mean, just frustrated like the rest of us. We are so used to communicating with rational, sane people that we can't cope when faced with something different. Having to explain or answer a question over 5 times in 2 minutes really tries my patience. I can understand why she can't remember and I don't fault her for it, but that doesn't mean I don't get frustrated with it. Now, I just say,"Sorry Mom, I've answered that question 5 times and I'm getting frustrated. Let's talk about something else." That usually is enough to get her off the "hamster wheel".

rwarren69: How is your mom? How are you? I haven't seen any further posts since you were in distress.

Mom had a followup appointment at the clinic Saturday afternoon, and went from there to the hospital and is still there. But leading up to that:

-- I had to fight with her to go and do a blood test. The results were necessary for the dr appt and need a certain amount of lead time. She insisted she did not need a blood test, then "lost" the paperwork 2x in a 24 hour period, including when we both had coats and boots on and the taxi waiting. After a $15 taxi ride to the CLSC (the place where the blood is drawn) it was CLOSED. the one day ever, they decide to close, along with 3 affiliated centers and the hospital lab that processes the blood. (Possibly related to union strike tactics.) Mom hadn't eaten at all, hadn't had her pills, and who has time to fire up a computer and go look at a website first thing in the morning on the off chance the place was closed?! After some begging and pleading someone took Mom's blood and handled it as an emergency case.

-- On Thursday she stopped taking all her pills (I lost count but 12 different things seems right). The day before, she only took one pill -- a prescription that was filled a month late because all this time she was pushing teh paper at everyone remotely connected to anything medical: doctors, technicians, receptionists, etc except givign it to me to take and get filled. Yes she didn't throw up anymore after that, and yes I am thrilled that she isn't taking pills, but she made this decision on her own without warning.

-- On Saturday I had yet another fight with her because she insisted her appointment was at 2 pm with the doc from janaury -- even though the card was written as 1 pm with the doc from last week. (2/13 at 13:00) She says she almost fell getting out of the taxi -- the taxi driver was supporting her and I was too busy getting out of my side of the taxi. She refused a wheelchair and we walked in together, then made me go stand in line "and hold her place" in the germ factory. Luckily we didn't wait long. the doc was naturally concerned, but not terribly interested in the detailed notes I kept about what she was eating and not eating.

The doc wrote a prescription to be hospitalized for evaluation, and we went there directly from the clinic. Although the place was nearly deserted, we waited 4 hours to get into an exam room, and another 2 hours to see a doc. Complicating matters is that the intercom was very mushy and it was very hard for either of us to understand when names are called (in any languge). The first thing the doc tells us is, "I don't know why you're here." She orders every test she had in January to be redone: blood, urine, ultrasound, x-ray, etc. Mom sent me home because I felt so helpless and useless. She was moved into an emergency bed, shortly after I left, and then got a bed late last night after 30 hours. I plan to see her later this afternoon and then go to the new class I signed up for (Android programming).

The preminiary diagnosis has changed from kidney failure to gall stones (another family tendency) to "nothing serious but how do you feel about DNR?" And then the doc made fun of me for crying when that was suggested. When I asked what was going on with mom, he walked away. The nurses jsut snap at me when all I did was stand quietly at the desk and say hello, trying to get their attention while they yap about nothing.

This is the hospital Mom *asked* to be in because it is "close to home" and once in a while someone speaks English. (|the hospital specializes in the Italian community, so French and Italian are given priority.) This is the place that successfully put mom's broken wrists back together 6 years ago, but also the same hospital where my grandmother starved to death as her kidneys failed and the staff screamed at her because she would not respond to being Madame Maiden-name-I-haven-t-used-in-60=-years. (it's a Quebec thing)

This confused lady is not my usual mom. She sounds less confused now, she ate a little bit, she is on an IV drip and ate 5 pills. I've beena t home with all the laundry and housework (I suck big time at both) and the job hunting and freezing cold even hough the furnace is working. Been sleeping in mom's bed and it is so cold. I am scared I won't bring her home.

p.s. Mom's family doctor was suspended last year for malpractic and a rotation of docs at the clinic have been filling in for him. he is supposed to return in March. The two blood specialist at this hospital, who Mom has been seeeing, both of them have been on indefinite sick leave for months -- one retired, one is still gone. And people wionder why I don't trust doctors.

Rwarren69: Thank you for the update. It sounds as if you are exhausted, confused, worried, and angry about several issues and powerless about your mom's care. I can't recall the number of times, while my mom was in ALF, that people told me I wouldn't be any good to my mom, my husband, my part-time job or to myself unless I took care of myself. There are only two pieces of advice I can offer you today, based on my experience, First, see a psychologist or psychiatrist. I was not eating right or sleeping well, and I was trying to meet every wish, want or need (real or imagionary) of my mom. After seeing a psychologist for a few sessions, I was back on track and had gained some new ways of coping. I took an erasable board to mom's room and told her to ask the aides to make a list of needs/wants for me. I was firm when I told her that I wasn't going to make two shopping trips a day if she didn't have what she wanted on the list. (I learned the little niceties she liked and the brand of undies not furnished by her insurance, so I started keeping some extras in my car anyway. If they weren't on her list, though, she didn't get them til next time. The psychologist called it "setting boundaries." My mom was just wanting more of my time and attention. I made sure I spent some pleasant time with her, and the stress level between us went down considerably. I think your feelings are so close to the surface that little things add up quickly, and that's when your stress level gets out of control. I will share some more of the other little tricks I used that made mom and me much happier and more able to work together for her welfare and to make our time together enjoyable. Let me know if you're interested. Some are actually funny!

You mentioned that your mom is 80, I think. I will be 70 this year; and, I never imagined the things that were awaiting me when I was in my 50s and 60s. You said your mom has to hold to things when she walks. At 80, she surely has some type and degree of arthritis. I was fully fuctioning, without a care in the world about my own health until my mid 60s, when I started having pain in my right knee. Long story short, I had meniscus surgery...and it has been downhill since then. I have bone-on-bone osteoarthritis that is almost disabling. I am in pain all of the time and wonder how much longer I can go without knee replacement (s). There are some extenuating circumstances about why I am putting it off. My point is that your mother probably needs support shoes and maybe a cane or walker. That is probably why she holds to things when she walks.

The last thing I will mention today. (Hopefully the ones who don't like long postings have stopped reading by now. LOL I am just trying to be helpful. ) You say your mother sits and stares at her medicine. I take it you either don't approve or don't choose to put her meds in a daily/weekly container. I have already had cataracts removed from my eyes. It was getting difficult to read and to drive at night. As I said, I am at least ten years younger than your mom. Without the cataract removals, I don’t think I would be able to read a prescription on a bottle. It is so sad when you look at the woman who has always been able to care for herself and take care of YOU and then you see an "old" lady that you hardly recognize. She can't possibly be your mom! So, you get frustrated and angry. The definition of depression is ANGER turned inward. That is what brought you to this website, you were feeling guilty about being angry. You came to a wonderful place, a lot of caring and knowledgeable people. I still think step one is for you to see a professional.

I hope something I have said lets you know that I have been where you are. I think my mom and I had a closer relationship to begin with than you and your mom do, but it's not too late to start. Take care and keep us posted. I truly care about you and what you are going through. Know that I am thinking of you and hoping things
improve.

Hi rwarren69. Thank you so much for your update and sweet message. It sounds as if you are going through different little stages of interest, some interesting and some frustrating; but, you are doing well adjusting to them. The best part is that instead of feeling lonely and overwhelmed at home, you are taking this time as a gift of having some alone time. If you just get one load of dirty clothes done a day, you are making progress, and you will feel as if you made progress. I'll be glad to share some of the things I learned to help my mom and me to be able to enjoy our time together. I have a busy day today, but I will try to post again tonight. Again, thanks for the update and what I consider good news. My husband is retired and at home 24/7 and I am used to being busy. We have time together, but we also have our own interests. The arthritis has really slowed me down, and now I find myself treasuring time to read, catch up laundry between commercials, or whatever I feel like doing. So, keep on learning to enjoy the moment. When you settle down and feel more peaceful, you will be more patient with your mom and use some of the ideas I will share to help both of you enjoy your time together! That is my hope. I know it can work. I sometimes laugh at things that used to make me so angry, and they seem so insignificant now. Have a great day!

Hi rwarren69. We haven't been in touch for a few days, so I am looking forward to an update from you about how you and your mom are doing. I had a post-cataract procedure done on my left eye done yesterday. My vision is a bit blurry and I get headaches when I read and write. So, please forgive me for not writing right after your response. I hope you are still doing as well as you were. You said your mind seemed to drift from one thing to another and you found yourself drifting from one situation to another. The encouraging thing to me is that you seemed to be adapting well to everything, negative or positive. It was in your response or I read it somewhere else that you had baked a cake for a church or organization? Doing something you do well or enjoy for others was one of my major steps back to controlling the situation with my mom. OK... this is one of the most difficult and stressful things I learned to avoid. My mom was a heavy smoker. It beccame even worse after my father passed away. At the ALF, the owner was kind enough to designate two quite large smoking areas. Mom's room was near one of them and not too far from the dining room. At first, when I went to visit, I knew to look for her in the smoking area. Her smoking had always been a matter of contention between us; the only time the subject came up was when she wanted me to replenish her supply. (Even with my dad's military and civil service pensions and his social security income, it wasn't enough to pay her rent, phone, cable TV, internet connection, toiletries...and , don't laugh, her nail salon appointment with me every two weeks. I had acylics then, but I had light, plain polish applied to finger and toe nails. Mom wanted bright red color, with designs on all finger nails and big toe nails. LOL Did I mention that she was spoiled by my dad and later by me?! Before my dad passed away, they had a very good income. Mom thought she could keep on living with the luxuries she was accustomed to after his death and the pensions being cut almost in half. Long story short, mom had spent almost all of the equity in their home and three acres, all of my dad's life insurance and was up to her ears in credit cards...again. I used to laugh about her being a shopololic; but, after taking over her finances when she could no longer do it, I realize that she really was one. It was how she had fed emotional pain all her life, and it was exacerbated by the loss of my dad. Knowing that she really did have two addictions, smoking and money, I worked her finances around so that I covered most of her rent and other expenses and let her think she had $250 in cash each month.) This is getting longer than I meant it to be.

Let's jump ahead to mom's being on oxygen and my having gone to three sessions with a psychologist. Mom begged for cigarettes no matter how many times I explained how smoking could ignite the oxygen, kill her and most likely burn up the building and other residents. Every day I went to see her, the first word was, "cigarette!" So, every day I became angry, ended up staying less time than I had planned and left frustrated and crying. We knew she had non-Hodskins lymphoma and a matter of months to live. I wondered if we were going to spend the rest of her days arguing about cigarettes. So, this is what I did. I very firmly told her one day that the next time she said "that word," I was going to get my purse, kiss her, tell her, "I love you," and go home. I explained that, except for weekends, I was visiting her after work and that I wanted to be able to relax and enjoy my time with her. If I couldn't, I would go home and relax. Mom had beautiful blue eyes. When I went into her room for a couple of weeks after that, our eyes would meet as I leaned over to kiss her. She could talk with those beautiful blue eyes, and I knew exactly what they were saying! She didn't SAY, "that word," though. Soon, her mind didn't immediately think of begging for a cigarette when she knew I was going to be there. Our time became sweeter. We played her favorite music and "sang" along. We were able to visit and have fun! There is a bit more to the cigarette story, but I'll save it for another time.

The habit I remember from your postings was the accumulation of empty medicine bottles on the table. Since that is a stressor for you, one idea is to designate a certain basket, box or bag just for the empty bottles. The two of you could even decorate it with her favorite things. Make it opaque and perhaps keep it under your mom's end of the table or under her chair so that you don't even have to look at the bottles. Before you use the bottles in the box, bag or ?, though, you need to establish a fun routine for the two of you: watching a movie every afternoon; having a piece of cake together; have a "conversation jar" full of topics for special ceffee/tea time. (Another of our boundaries was not to raise our voices. If we did, we promised to laugh and change the subject!) You can find something suited to the two of you. Then, if you see ONE empty medicine bottle out of the box, bag..., you skip the "special time" that day or the next. You have to make it something she will miss if she has to skip it. Just a thought. My greatest hope is that you and your mom establish some workable boundaries that will allow you to enjoy your time together as much as my mom and I did. Hope you are having a good evening. Keep on enjoying the gift of time alone, if things haven't changed. If they have changed, keep on adjusting to whatever comes along. YOU have to continue to eliminate or cope with your stressors, then you can better help your mom. Then, she will feel loved and not guilty for upsetting you. Life will surely be more pleasant for the two of you and everyone around you, too! You are in my hopes and prayers. Looking forward to an update.

ProfChari, what a lovely post and response! This site need more wonderful caring people like you!

Thank you, staceyb. When I see someone going through situations that I had to learn to cope with on my own, I try my best to help. I wish I had had this website years ago. I am glad I have it now, too, though....different stages, different set of things to learn. I appreciate your comment.