I placed my dad with dementia in a wonderful memory care ALF 5, weeks ago. Honestly I don't believe my mother took adequate care of him at home for a variety of reasons, so now he is gone. I am an only child and my parents have no other family or friends, so there is limited support for a home-living situation. However, my dad seems to be in superior shape to the other residents at the ALF and I feel that with better caregiving he could have stayed at home. Has anyone rescued a parent and brought them back home, and how did that work out?
Trust me, it's impossible for a senior to provide 24/7 care by herself. You can always take him home but I wouldn't do it for at least 6 months. And I beleive at that point -- your Mom will be stronger and you will be rested and both will be able to assess the situation more clearly. Right now, the undeserved guilt is leading your thought processes. Let us know how it goes.
I, like you, small family, no outside support.
First watched it with my mom...and then she passed on in a really good way. She allowed me to be there for her last breath. It was primal, deep, beautiful, and still, enormously sad...brings a tear right now.
Dad's in a facility now, and so grateful for the help!! He's relatively ok, yet watching his slow decline in small ways. And I realize he's going to die at some point. And I process about it, off and on...and it's ok. I accept. It's part of the life process.
I focus and appreciate and enjoy the end times...I share stories and snacks...hug and kisses. Grateful he's still here. Until he's not.
Truly, what else can one do?
All the best to you and your parents!!
I notice his memory issues especially when we are with other people and he can't engage in the conversation, and keeps bringing up his own life best experiences (repeatedly). He has issues with self care that I help to remind him (along with staff). He thinks others in his new home are frail and need much more care than he does, and at first he was calling the place an asylum. But, now, being by nature an optimistic kinda guy, he says he is happy there.
And bottom line, I am not losing my hair and living on a high stress level, and will likely out-live him, which is important! I think, don't be too hasty to move your parent home. We all have difficult situations to adjust to in our lives, and our elders do too. I believe my Dad is better off with his own little apartment, and some autonomy to not be "watched" every moment. My home is a small condo with stairs outside, and I'm afraid he would have fallen on them if he lived here. We have a wheelchair we use for him at times, as he cannot walk long distances. But I do want him to keep walking, as to not walk brings us to a whole different level of care. I have wondered about bringing him home to live with me, as it seems like the best thing sometimes. But, I have to step back from that emotion, and really evaluate what that would mean (cooking 3 meals a day, putting in a walk-in shower, taking him to senior center for social, sharing my TV for his always watching movies, sorting meds, and on and on), and never being alone. I don't have the faith for my survival! One of my key beliefs is that God loves him so much more than I do, and will care for his heart, even more than I can.
It sounds like you were not part of the decision to place him. Were you a part of his care before placed?
It is very easy to look at someone "doing well" in ALF and assume that they would be doing well anywhere. Wrong!
He may be doing well simply because he IS in the ALF. It is a protected environment where he doesn't have to manage, think, organize, plan, use the phone, drive, take care of money, and a host of other things.
Get the facts BEFORE you jump to conclusions. If he is doing well, leave him alone.
Best of luck, dear one.
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