Sal3rd09 Asked April 2017
Is there anything I can do to help my job understand that I need a flexible schedule?
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I work full-time and I am a full-time caregiver for my 86-year-old grandparents. Why doesn't my job understand I need flexible schedule?
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As far as the rest goes, business will always worry about business. Do what is best for you, do what you need to do and move on.
Unfortunately there is a real discrimination in many workplaces against caregivers. Where I work, I can't even talk mention it, because employers know that the responsibilities will only increase. They are understanding with those who need time off for childcare, but not for eldercare, leaving early for a school play would be fine but not to take a parent to the doctor. I have a coworker who talks about potty training her son, and they see that as anywhere from cute to mildly annoying, but if I said anything about helping mom with her Depends, they would look at that as disgusting.
It's an unfortunate reality in this system that, for all the lip service paid to family first, most workplaces aren't family friendly at all. And I think it's even worse for men. You have to think of yourself too.
Please excuse my senior moment, there.
But. That, coupled with your eleven years' apparently content commitment to the job, would explain your employers' and co-workers' bafflement at your now needing support with fitting work around your grandparents' needs. I don't suppose there are many people at your company who are in the same boat? Are there even any with young children, who do their fair share of childcare?
How long have you been your grandparents' full-time caregiver, and how did that come about?
Also, resentment from your fellow workers will spill over on you. Their world doesn't revolve around your family. I know, I resented it when my co-workers didn't come in on time and left me and others to do our own work and their work too. Especially since you said they are already shorthanded.
I suggest you follow some of the recommendations that others have posted. It isn't going to get easier and you need to take care of yourself too.
I have very mixed feelings about this. There are so many variables - what kind of organisation you work for, how long you've been there, whether they can afford to cut you some slack, how your "flexibility" might impact on your co-workers...
Obviously, just ordinarily humane people will be happy to accommodate reasonable requests from their employees who need support with short-term family commitments (as long as you've told them what they are, of course). But is that what you're asking for, actually?
I operate my own business and caregive at the same time. Last year, I took my first vacation in 15 years! It made me realize how important it is to take care of YOU! As people age things worsen. Get some help and share the load. Seniors centre, local agencies may be able to suggest some options. In the meantime, look after yourself.
Since FMLA does not extend to care of grandparents, use your paid time off for necessary elder care. And I mean necessary. (Can you take PTO in hourly increments and/or half days?) And outsource whatever care you can. Basically, what everyone here has already said.
Don't become "that guy" at work. You will be secretly resented, openly resented, or both. It's not fair. But it's reality.
Do not position yourself as the person who gets cut when profits are down and/or they're looking to trim the fat. Or the person who gets poor performance evaluations due to unreliability (real or perceived), attendance issues and such.
In this dog-eat-dog world, your NEED for a reliable income and health insurance and steady contributions to Social Security & 401K will outlive your grandparent's "need" for intervention. (Next up: Your parents will start going down the tubes. But that's a whole different thread.)
I don't mean to sound cold. But it's crucial to be tight-lipped at work, and resourceful outside of work. Just because you are your elders' first choice for this-and-that doesn't mean you are the only choice. What starts out as flattery....or possibly playing to your sense of duty.....can become a trap that creates irreversible damage to your financial, mental and physical health.
Don't let your kind heart distract you from taking care of yourself first. Good luck to you. And keep coming back here for support. This gang is full of ideas you might not have thought of.... 🙂
Family dynamics play a huge piece in the caregiving puzzle. There can only be one point of contact and that point of contact keeps the others informed. Unfortunately others always have a better way to do something - I don't do a thing, however, without asking my dad first. As long as he is able to make the decisions he certainly will. My mother, on the other hand, has dementia and can make no decisions.
I would highly suggest either looking into some daytime companions to assist them with their daily activities so a) you can sleep and b) so they can not be dependent on you. There are many agencies out there. Check with your local Center on Aging and see what resources they might be able to offer.
Sure, others may have to work a little more because you are not there, but their time will come. Nothing prepares us for all of this. Take it HR and see what options might be available to you. They certainly can't fire you for taking the time you have available but please do look into other resources to help you. Good luck my friend! I feel your pain!
At your grandparents' age, their needs are going to increase. It might be worthwhile to look at assisted living, adult day care, or other options where they can get supervision by more other people and maybe your responsibilities are managing their care and affairs rather than hands-on work. That is still a full-time job, but it's important that you get enough sleep, keep your job, etc.
Are you losing days from work because of trips to the ER/crises, or because of routine doctors' appointments, exhaustion, etc.? Company loyalty is a good thing. You've worked for the same place a long time; hopefully your employer will work with you. My guess is that if you are able to do specialized work, they'd rather keep you at less hours than lose you altogether.
I worked with a great lady..she had 3 kids. She got a divorce.
She needed a lot of time off for sick kids, doctors, school. Etc.
Meanwhile, I was working longer hours because the work still had to get done. Customers will not wait for a problem fix.
Why is it fair that I should work more because she must work less?
If you can get a "job share". Then you and someone else can each work part time and together get one full job covered. But, I cannot work more while you have the same job...and work less.
I worked for a company where I could have used my Family Medical Leave Act to help my parents but thank goodness I didn't as I had to use the 3 month leave for myself when I had a serious medical condition. At least I knew my job would be there when I returned to work.
It also depends on your Manager/Supervisor. My Manager was a "Devil Wears Prada" type personality, she wanted me at work on time, yada, yada, yada.
It was tough when I used up all of my vacation and sick days... usually half days for doctor appointment as it usually took a half hour just to get my parents ready [can't find glasses, can't find cane, where's Dad's wallet, oops back to the bathroom, etc.] before even getting into the car, which was another story on its own... [sigh]
Sal, any chance your Grandparents could budget for private caregivers to give you a break? Or sell their home and use the equity for Independent Living or Assisted Living? Eventually you will need to start saying "no" or you will be doing this for the next 10 years. My folks lived into their mid-to-late 90's.
1. How do you end up being the one caring for your grandparents?
2. Do they have financial resources they can use to pay for caregivers, sitters, transportation?
3. Are they paying room and board?
4. Will using their financial resources for their care ease any of your work issues?
5. What do you mean when you say that your job doesn't understand? Are they threatening to let you go, or are they just grumpy?
6. I think what you are talking about is FMLA (family medical leave act). It only applies in certain situations and to companies of a certain size. You need to do some research, or perhaps someone on here knows more about the details.