Apparently, I’m still unreasonable. Any advice?

Unless the other family members are willing to take care of their mother themselves, they really need to shut their pie-holes.

February 6th Question.

Most recent update from you after MIL in care in nursing home for 100 days is as follows:
18 hours ago:


FedUpWife45
18 hours ago
After 100 days in the nursing home for rehab, she realized she didn’t want to live permanently in a nursing home anymore. I get it but living with us isn’t the answer either…" (end of update)

I wonder, Fedup, if you can update us now on just what is happening? The responses have updates going back as far as February; Margaret was unable to find you post in which you said that you accepted her back home and you and your hubby then agreed that was no doable, and she was in care, apparently after that for some 100 days.

I am confused as to where this all stands now. I wonder if you could start a new thread "Update from FedUp re MIL current circumstances.
Best out to you.

EVERYONE:
If you are as bad as me you seldom remember to look for dates and to see if this is an updated post. It is. Fed up has good news for us; be sure to see her recent update to us.

What a great update, Fed. Glad you stood your ground.

FUW - So happy and relieved for you. This is enough reason to celebrate.

I hope your husband will never bring MIL back home again. She's too sick. At 300 lbs, yeah, you will literally break your back helping her. It's just beyond ridiculous to make you her FT nurse on top of taking care of young children.

NO, is a complete sentence. NO. Just No. and then NO again if they didn’t catch it the first time.

For me this is an easy one.

I would tell all "She moves in and I move out. Same day. No fuss, no muss and no argument."

Ahmijoy, who used to post here so beautifully was great at teaching folk to just say "NO". One word, two letters and full stop.

Up to you. Your choice. You can be a human being with free will or a doormat for whomever tells you what happens next.

I wish you the very best. But as you said, to their minds YOU are the problem.
YOU are also the one not making your needs clear. So it IS in fact all up to you.

Update: So my mother in law was discharged from the nursing home and to our home Last week. Yes I gave in but i wanted my husband to see how bad it was going to be for us. He took off work for 2 weeks to “help” me with her. By the 3rd DAY of helping me roll her over to change her pressure wound, and using the lift machine, cooking meals, the house smelling bad, emptying her poop bag and catheter and helping me bathe her and dealing with our kids, he was over it. He started making phone calls to get her transferred out of here. I called her doctor 2 days ago and told him she was confused and had a fever and he told me to call the EMT’s to pick her up and transport her to the hospital. So now she’s hospitalized with a UTI. My husband immediately talked to some doctors and now she’s being transferred to a long term care hospital that specializes in severe pressure wounds on Friday. She meets the criteria. I knew once he had to help me with her care, he was going to get rid of her. He’s not a hands on person. Not even with our own children smh. Now I’m going to enjoy our last few weeks of summer vacation with my children, instead of being a nursing home. Yay!

The answer is "The day she moves in I move out". And then DO IT. Start looking into seperation of finances and a new place to stay now. Say it gently and tell him that you may even help out if there is time in your new life. But you won't do that again. Period.

I'm sorry - I would look the Social Worker at the Nursing Home in the eye and say - "Here is the situation - she must be discharged to a nursing home. It is critical that I be perfectly blunt with you. You do not have the full picture. When she leaves here there is NO plan for her care. At this time, she is an UNSAFE DISCHARGE from your facility. My DH is assuming that she can come live with us, and let me be clear, I am NOT in agreement with that plan. I have a full plate of my own, taking care of OUR 4 children, 2 of whom have Autism. And I will NOT be assuming the responsibility of taking care of his mother. And he CANNOT assume the responsibility of hands on care because he travels 75% of the year. So she cannot be discharged to our home. So, once again, she is considered an unsafe discharge. There is only one option that is safe for her."

And if he pitches a fit, you look him in the eye and you say this "I have tried to discuss this with you in private. You have refused to discuss details or even listen to what I have had to say. So you left me no choice but to lay it all on the table here. I will not be held responsible for your mother's care. I HAVE other responsibilities, and those are my only priorities. I hate that you are unable to see your way clear to understand, but that is not my problem. Your mother is unable to do even the first thing to take care of herself now, and she cannot come to live in our home. Our children need my full attention. And you will not be there to provide her care. There will be no one else to provide it but me, and I cannot possibly give anyone else my time. You need to hear this loud and clear now. We don't have anymore time for you to pretend this is going to work. You cannot fix this for her any other way. You do not have an obligation to physically take care of her, and you are not the one that would be doing it anyway. You are voluntelling ME that I will add your mother to my responsibilities and I am TELLING you now that it will not happen. Let me be perfectly clear. If she comes to our home, the children and I will be leaving our home. And you will STILL have to figure out who will be taking care of your mother. I'm not your free caregiver plan because you don't want to make the hard decisions!"

And then you have to stick by it and not let him bully you into doing this. I'm afraid this is one of those unfortunate times when an ultimatum is called for and it's a hill to die on.

Who does DH think will provide MIL's care?

- Him? No. He works. Also travels frequently.
- You? You said No.
- Home Care Agency Aides? Can MIL pay for this?

Is he stuck at 'We'll figure it out'?

Will he hire a hospital bed for the garage & have the kids as sitters when Aides are no-show or late?

This is an older woman who has many health needs. Put her needs as PRIORITY. Not his hero-helper-wish or reluctance to say no to bullying family members.

Funny how back in your old original post MIL said she never wanted to move in with you and now that's all she wants.

I can't believe how quickly her health failed and how
many issues she now has.

Stay strong and do not let MIL move in. Good luck.

"...my mother in law is still struggling with pressure sores, a colostomy bag, catheter and she still isn’t mobile and we are very close to a discharge date. We had a meeting today at the nursing home and we were told, either she stays in the nursing home or she goes home with supports in place but my husband wants to set her up in our guest room and not in her own home." 

And then he's going to travel as usual, leaving you being the sole caregiving slave.

No. And you two have been arguing, and he won't back off his stance that MIL must come to your house?

Great suggestions here already -- visit a divorce attorney, just to see your options.

Make sure to tell the discharge planner that your H is often out of town for work, and that you are not able to take care of MIL. Tell them about your 4 children, 2 of them being autistic. Be adamant, and realize that the NH doesn't care. Also realize that they will promise looking into help -- they won't do it. Once MIL is out of there, they wash their hands of any responsibility towards her. You have the power now to stop this ridiculous move to your house. Use it.

PLEASE keep us updated. We will be your cheerleaders every step of the way, no matter what it takes to keep MIL in the NH and OUT of your house.

Goodness, this must be frustrating for you.

The thing is. The one person who needs to understand that living in your guest room is not an option is your MIL. It would be a difficult conversation and you would have to be blunt, but have you had any opportunity to tell her this directly?

Can he not apply for Medicaid for her and her house sits vacant until he comes to his senses?

The house is an exe my pt asset for Medicaid

Have you visited a divorce attorney to see what options are open to you? I am NOT advocating divorce. But you will stand on firmer ground if you are able to say with certainty "if you move her in, THIS is exactly how much this is going to cost you.". It may give him second thoughts

You need to make your position very clear, and to make it clear to the people who matter. At present, you make it clear to DH, then he hears the opposite from the Uncles. He won’t stand up for himself (and I’m sure that he doesn’t really want this house share), so he blames you to the Uncles.

You need to make your point STRONGLY to the UNCLES, Direct, face to face! You see each (or both) of them, say that you will NOT do this. If they continue to pressure DH, and he gives in to them, it will break up your marriage. That will mean that they still have to find a good place for MIL, because YOU won’t be doing it. And it will cause a lot of heartache to DH, his children, and to you. And probably for them too, because they will be forced to face reality and do the work of getting her relocated. They will also be responsible for all the visits after she moves.

If you need to, Shout, Scream and use naughty words. You can’t rely on your husband to stand up to his uncles, so you need to do it yourself. Don’t worry that it won’t go down well for family relations – her moving in will go even worse!

Have courage and good luck!

Update: So it’s been almost 100 days in the nursing home and my mother in law is still struggling with pressure sores, a colostomy bag, catheter and she still isn’t mobile and we are very close to a discharge date. We had a meeting today at the nursing home and we were told, either she stays in the nursing home or she goes home with supports in place but my husband wants to set her up in our guest room and not in her own home. Yes, she has a home of her own but she and my husband do not want to sell it to pay for a permanent stay in the nursing home. So her home is just sitting empty. He’s an only child so he feels responsible for her but I do not want to be her full time caregiver. It’s not my responsibility. He knows full well he wont be doing much for her. He travels. We argue about this constantly when there shouldn’t be an issue about it. I’m so sad that this is tearing our marriage up.

Your husband is being ridiculous by calling you unreasonable. Of course, you aren’t being unreasonable. He is the one who wishes to impose his mom’s situation onto you!

Your situation would be disastrous if you allowed her to move in. In all honesty, you probably don’t to want her to move in even if your husband didn’t travel.

My mom lived with us and it is life changing for everyone.

I am sorry that your husband isn’t receptive to how you feel about this matter. As frustrating as it is, repeat the same answer when the topic comes up.

You can suggest marriage counseling. Would he listen to an objective assessment of this situation from a therapist experienced in marriage and family situations?

My answer is NO. Frequently travels for work plus disabled children to care for equal no say in the situation for husband. Only you can decide what you’re willing to do but I would divorce over this if he were not able to see things from my viewpoint. You are already sacrificing yourself for your children, it is beyond unfair for the family to demand that you give up what’s left of your life and sanity for your MIL.

She will not improve physically to where she can move herself without assistance. It’s not safe for you to be her sole caregiver.

The ONE time that my Dh said "we will bring mom to live with us when it's time' and I looked at him and said "No, WE will not. You can move in with her. If you bring her to our home, I will leave." He called me selfish, unreasonable, unkind, selfish, all the 'negatives' and I said "I'm FIRM on this. You travel 3 weeks of every month. How the H3ll am I going to handle your mother in a 1800 sf home with 5 kids living here?"

He NEVER saw the 'negative' of this situation. To him, I was a total failure as a DIL. I also refused to bring his father to our place to care for him. I DID drive out to his place 2-3 times a DAY for 5 months to care for him. Did I get ANY positive thank-you's out of DH? No, not one.

His mom is now in In Home Hospice and he and his sibs are doing shifts of 24 hrs on, then 2 days off. It's been 3 weeks and DH is supremely depressed. I was mean enough to say "THIS is exactly why I shut down the 'caring in place' for our parents talk waaay before it became necessary.

Update: So my mother in law spent 2 months in the hospital and has been in the nursing home for over 2 months now for Rehab. She left the hospital with pressures sores, a catheter and a colostomy bag and she’s not able to walk. She absolutely hates the nursing home. She has a private room but residents wander into her room all day and said she’s sick of looking at them. She calls us multiple times a day wanting to go home. She calls us if the CNA’s don’t come right away. She calls us about any and everything. She has lost 85lbs since January because she didn’t like the hospital food and now she doesn’t like the nursing home food. She expects us to bring her special food almost everyday. If we can’t bring it, she calls her 72 year old sister to cook her something unhealthy. Then she’s sick and vomiting all day smh. My husband has snapped at me a few times because I told him she’s exactly where she needs to be. Where is the lie? She can’t do anything for herself anymore. My husband is telling everybody it’s just temporary, she’s going home. None of her surviving siblings want her in the nursing home but no one is opening up their home to her. I’m just tired of everything.

Please follow the wise advice of everyone…..JUST SAY NO! Blue eyed girl said it best for me, as a former stay at home mom, that your plate is full and you are being wildly disrespected. Those men gave NO IDEA how full your plate is already, taking care of your family. Her brothers can walk their talk and handle the caregiving. Anyone but you. I turned blue reading what I did read and was unable to finish, because my anger at the men in your family was blowing my mind. Take care, and know you matter too.

I have no words. Well that's not true. Maybe I have too many words. You have 4 children. Two of them are on the autism spectrum, non-verbal and one is in diapers.

You have multiple MEN assuming....that because you are already home anyway....that MIL coming to live with you isn't going to be a big deal. I mean....what's one more person to take care of right? My head is spinning right now. When your MIL visited for the holidays - did your husband take over her care while she was there entirely? Did he take time off of work to help you out while she was there? I'm assuming it was somewhat of an extended visit.

This man needs to be educated and fast. And her brothers - just ignore them. People that don't live in your home don't get any vote period.

Your husband, all due respect to you- I'm going to have to agree with Barb here - he's an idiot. He has no freaking clue what it is that he is asking of you. Literally none. Does he have any idea of what you ALREADY do all day? Has he EVER even stayed home just one day with the kids while YOU left the house? Been responsible for everything all on his own?

I just can't with this. She is 300 pounds. She has been in rehab. Can I just tell you my 300 pounds FIL just returned from rehab. He had been out of rehab - not even technically home- just out of the door of rehab 106 hours before he was being rolled into an ambulance to go back to the hospital for another fall. Yes, we counted. And he is the ONLY person in his home(SIL/BIL live with him) and he takes every last ounce of their energy - quite literally - their children are grown).

Fedup, I don't have any good advice - except the next time your husband is home for a couple of days I'd get up, wake him up and tell him you are leaving for a couple of days -and he is 100% responsible for everything at home. That you will see him in a couple of days. If he thinks what you are doing is so easy and that adding his mother to the mix should be no problem, that you want him to understand what you really do. And leave. And go to a friend's house or a hotel and don't go back home for a couple of days.

Hon, he has no idea of how hard your job is already. And make no mistake stay at home mom is a job. You just don't get paid in money. And your job in particular is harder than most. I almost never say this- really I don't because it's never my go to. But if he brings her into your home against your express objections, after you have told him you cannot take care of her....that would be it for me.
Because that means he doesn't respect your partnership. He doesn't respect you as an equal party in your home or marriage. He doesn't hear your voice. He is making a decision both in a panic but also without considering his family or the chaos and problems it will cause.

Even with full time health aides - her presence in the home will STILL cause issues. Because she will still be crying out for YOU. She will still be causing disruption in your home. She will still be causing disorder and messing with your routines.

I don't know about your children who have autism, but my youngest is on the spectrum, albeit she is considered very mild, but her routine is key. If there is disruption or interruption to her normal routine or there is a lot of change, that is really when we see a lot of the symptoms that led us to get her assessed. If routine, calm environment, familiarity, are important to them, her moving in will potentially be a huge trigger for them. Does she watch tv 24/7 or is she really loud at all hours of the day or night? Does your husband even know the answers to these questions? How are HER behaviors going to impact not just you or him or your other children but ESPECIALLY your children on the spectrum who quite literally cannot change their reactions and can be very much triggered by her behaviors?

This would be a deal breaker for me. He isn't listening. You are NOT being unreasonable. HE IS!!!!

I get so angry when people decide, it’s an easy job for you. Really, they are so selfish and try to blame you for not taking responsibility that is there’s. Say No Thank You. Unless they are willing to take her evert other month 24/7 and the weeks she is with you, you’re husband doesn’t travel…NO NO NO

Place another bed in the converted room for you MIL and tell your husband that it's for the round-the-clock tag-team caregivers that will need to be hired.

Defrost, cook, and serve everything you have in your freezer and start to replace those items with TV dinners. Point out to him that since there will be no other way that he'll be able to manage you're helping him out.

Do you have any relatives that can take you and your kids in?
Buy new underwear, a couple of new clothing items and luggage. Tell him that you absolutely understand and will not get in the way of HIS plans.

Get a lawyer for advice and hopefully not action.

I have a friend who has two autistic sons. One is severely autistic and lives in a group home. He is 52 years old. Her younger autistic son has always and still lives with her. He is 45. My friend, their mom is 82. She divorced her husband 40 years ago. She has live a good, gentle life these many years.

I'm here to tell you, your MIL's brothers are real pieces of p**p.
Anyone (which includes your husband) who volunteers someone else's services with or without the heartache and burdens you already have has p**p for brains and heart.

And, honey babe, you're nuts if you don't keep your response to his conversation on this topic to a two word explicative. Let me give you a hint, the second word is "**** you". End of conversation.

So, your husband called you unreasonable. Prove him right! Show him just how unreasonable that you can be by saying, “Absolutely not, No way in hell!, You’re kidding, right?, I just spoke with my attorney about our divorce?, etc.”

Sorry for being sarcastic. I was reminded of how I was as a teenager if I felt that I was being unfairly criticized by my parents.

LOL 😆 I ended up fulfilling a few prophecies of my parents, just to show them that I didn’t appreciate what they said.

PS, embrace the word "unreasonable" as though it were a trophy. Tell your husband
"Thanks for the compliment; that's what I am trying for!!"
Don't argue. Don't fight. Just lay down the law, and leave when it is not carried out.
Good luck.

Is DH’s office still converted to a bedroom for MIL? If so, I’d sell the bed, second hand. Get it removed to a shop, or donate to a charity. ASAP. If this seems a bit dramatic, it’s a lot less dramatic than you leaving home, with or without the kids. And it makes a very strong point. Seriously! Do it!

Your MIL being 300 pounds really isn't the issue here. You have made it plain to your husband that his mother is not moving into your house and that you refuse to become her caregiver.
This has already been established.
So whether or not rehab is beneficial to her really is beside the point.
She is not moving into your house under any circumstances.
If your husband wants to get stupid and move her in anyway, that's when you find a divorce lawyer. I hope you've been putting away money for a rainy day because that day might be coming soon.
And when it rains, it pours.
MIL is will not be living with you. If that means you no longer live with your husband, trust me you'll be doing yourself and your kids a favor.
You (the wife) come before the MIL. That is the proper order of things. Do not let anyone try to convince you otherwise.