Apparently, I’m still unreasonable. Any advice?

If she's still 300 lbs., rehab isn't going to help her much.

You've put your foot down before (and have had brief trials of her living with you), and you will do it again.

Was there any attempt to figure out MIL's finances, eligibility for Medicaid, and what's available in the area for NHs? (Sounds like she's going to be beyond AL.)

"it’s his uncles, her brother’s who want her to move in over here"

The Uncles. Men. Their aim: find a woman to be Mother's servant. Why? Because they have a p3n15 & you don't? Sorry but that just makes me so mad 😡

To your husband;
No.
I said no..
I mean no.

If you want to live with your Mother - go. But that decision will have giant consequences.
You will be moving out.
You will need to rent your own house/apartment.
We will need to sort out our finances to live separately.
This will add so much stress to our marriage it may end it.

My answer would be a firm no with a strong suggestion to attend a marriage councillor with me. Not to change his mind, but for him to HEAR you - coz he is not.

A sideways thought....is money any part of the factor here? When your MIL dies, do the siblings stand to inherit some of it? Is the reason why your husband and his Mom's siblings are looking to have you do all the work is because of the belief that there would be more money in the inheritance to be divided out if they didn't have to "pay" for care? or the reverse, do they think they will have to ante up money if your MIL went to outside care?

Another sideways thought...in the past, could there have been a relative or friend that went to AL with awful experience?

I understand the willingness of your husband to go along with his Mom's siblings, however, I don't understand why the siblings have such an influence on him. If you found a good AL for her, she would probably be well taken care for the rest of her life. If you started research into Medicaid, then you might be able to find a decent place to put her and work towards placing her.

For all you went through, I think there is something else that is going on that is making your husband go on the offensive by saying that you are being unreasonable. If you can find it, then you can attack those assumptions directly.

About rehab, the goal is not to restore the person back to the way they were before the injury. There comes a point at which rehab doesn't think it can do anymore for a person so they discharge the person and Medicare no longer pays. So, it is possible that rehab is going to release your MIL and she will require even more care than she did previously.

Oh and if she is in rehab now, this is THE BEST time to get her moved to an NH… straight from rehab with the help of the SW. If DH can clear his eyes from the cobwebs of emotion, he can take advantage of the easier process of a direct placement.

I am going to take a different tack here. I am going to assume your husband isn’t a total azz, and is just really cowed by his family. (Although I think it is a crap move to act like YOU are the one being “unreasonable”. That is something to work on once this drama is dealt with and your home isn’t at risk of being infiltrated, lol.)

You can come at this from the perspective of unity.

“Honey, you and I can be on the same side here. We ARE on the same side. We *both* want what is best for your mom. That’s why we don’t want to respond to all of this out of unreliable emotion/drama like the rest of the fam, including your uncles. Your uncles don’t want guilt so they are grabbing on to the next drowning people (us) to save themselves. They are acting like small children. In this situation, sucky though it is, we are the grown ups.

First of all, tangential family members don’t get a say in our lives. They can say whatever they want… you and I can just ignore it. This isn’t about your mom’s needs. They are playing on your emotions to get you to do what *they* want.

so…

Let’s take the emotion out and look at this logically. Mom needs x, y and z. While guilt may trick us into thinking we need to provide that in our home, the reality is, that isn’t possible because your mother (and her brothers) are not the only people whose lives and needs and happiness need to be considered.

Making the right and smart decision involves looking at your mom’s needs (not merely her wants) as well as the needs of our marriage and our children (both of which come before the needs of ANYONE else).

The needs of someone like your mom are so great that they require more than you or I can provide. Can it be done? Sure. At the expense of our relationship with each other, our children, the peace of our home, our work and our friends, not to mention the toll on our health. I think it is pretty clear that is not an option.

It strikes me that the issue here is guilt (insert language from AlvaDeer, etc.) You have to hear me when I tell you that you are still a good son. Sacrificing our lives on the altar of your mom’s age and infirmity will not make you a better son. It will not make your uncles think you are great. It will just ruin all of the good things you have in your life. In her right mind, NO mother would really want that.

We can’t make her happy. We can’t take away her age/illness. That isn’t realistic.

but…

Let’s work together to get her in a place of proper care. You and I can go visit her and pamper her there. We can shower her with love there. Then we can come home and share our grief that aging is hard. And, then we can laugh with and hug each other and our kids and thank God we all have each other.

and everyone else who wants to create drama or make us feel bad for making a solid decision out of a bunch of bad choices can go suck eggs.”

Hopefully, that gives you a starting point. Sometimes, changing language makes all the difference.

You have to stay even and calm during these discussions, but *always* hold firm.

No one moves into a marital home unless the decision is unanimous by BOTH people. Period. To do it any other way is just wrong. This isn’t one of those things where the desires of the person wanting the move in are equal to the person who doesn’t. All in or it’s a no go.

I hope this helps and wish you the best. I understand that it isn’t always practical to give a marriage the heave ho because someone is being a big ole buttock, so I hope this is good for thought.

You tell her brothers they can take care of her. You have disabled children and they take up your time and need your attention. Tell DH you cannot take care of a 300lb woman. You refuse to bathe her and toilet her. That is not your job. How in the H does he think you are going to have the energy. And having strangers in your home, don't think so.

If Mom is in Rehab have her evaluated for 24/7 care. If she needsvit place her in the NH hopefully attached. Tell her sorry, I cannot physically care for you. She can't go into an AL because she is a 2 person assist,

It is basically YOUR home, YOUR marriage. You can do anything you want with it including lobbing in the incendiary bomb of a MIL.
I didn't read the back story but for me that would be the long and short of it. And I would be telling hubby that the day she walks in would be the day I walked out and that I would send child support for the kids. A few months of THAT and he would likely change his mind. Or NOT.
But the fact that women are treated like slaves chained by their kids in these matters wouldn't be the way I would play it. Just say it sweetly:

"Hon, there is only room for one woman in this household. That is either me or your Mom. If it is your Mom I hope she is real good at child care, because I will be too busy getting my own place and working a few low paying jobs. I love you and I would NEVER take your children from you. Let me know when we should sit the kids down and telling them we are separating is the bad news but the good news is that Grandma is moving in and they don't have to pack up."
And just to let you know, the day you let her in the door is the day you are DONE.

Posted this 5 hours ago under "BURNOUT". The discussion isn't for me but anyone this would help. Do cultural pressures serve you or the state with regard to caregiving?
You might give it a quick read, relates to your situation

It is time to flat out say NO. This will not work for you and not for your kids. The sons can push all they want. It's THEIR mother. If they cannot abide by placing Dear ol' Mama in memory care, then it's time she lived with them. 

It would be terrible to give an ultimatum, but it may come to that. I'd hope to all things holy he'd pick you and his kids.

So much for MIL telling you from previous thread that she would never move into your house.

You are doing awesome but use the word NO. It is much stronger and direct than telling him it's not a good idea. Practice in the mirror if you have to. Stay strong and keep saying no.

And please remember that when she was there over christmas it did not go very well because MIL tried to get you to wait on her and acted helpless.

I guess you blocked out all the crap she pulled over Christmas. You might have to reread what you posted about it again to refresh your memory of the nightmare of that visit.

And tell husband to tell his brothers they can always move mom into their house if they want to.

Sorry you are still having to deal with your husband's crap regarding his mother.

Time to stand up and say "No" it is a complete sentence, let her move in with one of the brothers or go into AL.

Either you and his children are the priority, or his mother is, it is just that simple.

This will not work and you know it.

Once she is moved in it is too late, she is on a downward spiral, it will only get worse.

Your husband is a idiot.

Just like with last summer's vacation, put your foot down.

Tell him if it's so "doable" you'll leave for 2 weeks and leave him with his two person assist mom and the kids. Tell him use his vacation days to do this.

ETA, no, leaving the kids would be a terrible idea, but I'd be curious what his reaction would be to HIM doing all this work that he thinks is so easy.

It is HIS mother, after all. Why on earth does he think his wife should be doing the caregiving?

You are NOT unreasonable. You are realistic. You have your priorities on order. Spouse and children come first, no doubt about that. No, no, no. Do not let her move in with you. I'm sure she will be in serious need of rehab and a facility is the very best place for that. A rehab facility will work with her numerous times a day and they have experience getting reluctant patients to cooperate. After that, depending on her condition, your hubby and whoever will need to work with the facility to ensure she is next moved to the appropriate level of care - nursing home or assisted living (my mom's offer levels of extra care or a private aid to help).

Tell your husband you are sorry but there is NO way you can take this on. Just no. Even with full-time helpers, having her in your home will be a lot of stress and work and if he's not around to manage it all, then it's not going to happen.

Best of luck.