This has not happened yet, but it is the one thing I am most terrified about at this time. She has mistaken 2 of my children for 2 of my siblings, so I am starting to get extremely nervous that the day will come when I walk in to her room to start her day, and she won't know who I am.
So what do you do if that time comes? You may have to re-introduce yourself every time you see her, which, because she lives with you, will be every day. Something like, “Good morning mom, I’m Jane, your daughter, how are you today?” Even that simple intro may cause problems. She may deny that you’re her daughter. In that case, distract her- offer to go for a short walk or get a drink. Don’t try to convince her otherwise. You may have to revert to simply saying, “Good morning, I’m Jane, how are you today?”. Don’t test her. Asking, “Don’t you remember me?”, or “Don't you know who I am?”, will put her on the spot and cause her embarrassment or anxiety.
Relate to her in a dignified way. I realize your mom is still living with you, but I read posts where the LO is in a care facility and no longer remembers their family. The family may ask, “Why should I visit, my mom no longer remembers or knows me”. This is missing the point. It’s no longer about the caregivers, it’s about the patient and the dignity of life, however, fleeting that may be. Although their LO no longer knows who they are, they, the family, knows who she is. They know the importance of their LO in their lives. That importance needs to be reflected in continued visits.
So keep your mom’s dignity in mind throughout this difficult journey. And touch is important. Holding hands and hugging will always show her that you care.
My wife was in memory care for many months and when I would visit I would merely say, “Good morning, honey, how are you today?” I never mentioned my name or our relationship. When I left I would always say, “I love you”, and she would reply, “I love you more!”. I don’t even know if she knew who I was! But I was someone to her.
However, sometimes it comes and goes, depending on the circumstances.
When my mom lived with me, she often thought that I was a nurse, a man, or the another "Andrea" (my name). She thought that she was in a nursing home, and that lots of other people were there.
Now, she is in a nursing home, and she recognizes me every time. It's because I visit often, and made it a point to talk to her and do things to keep her very engaged.
It may never happen that mom doesn't recognize you. It's more common with Alzheimer's than the other dementias to forget loved ones faces. With all dementia, however, they do regress in time to different decades when they didn't have children, so that's a reason for forgetting who we are or not recognizing us. It constantly changes, too, so tomorrow can be a whole new scenario for mom than today was.
I hate dementia with everything in me. I pray you don't see your fear come true with your mom, and that she knows who you are forever. Best of luck.
She is still your mother and she will need your care whether she knows you're her daughter or not. Since you seem aware that this is coming why does it frighten you? You should think about how you would feel if you were in her shoes. The disease is destroying her brain, and her understanding of who she is is determined by her brain so she will change.
But she will still need you. If you need more help it may be you can hire someone to come in and help you with feeding her and bathing her, and all other help you give her now. You can ask her doctor where you can find a health aide to come to your mother's home.
Her doctor can also put you in touch with a social worker who will also know where you can get help paying for a health aide for your mother.
Having help will also help you get some rest.
Point: respect your LOs reality. It’s all they’ve got. Instead of fruitless attempts to persuade, say things that will focus on your love and care. And, deal with any hurt feelings in a way that doesn’t blame your LO. Fortunately my sister-in-law was fond of my mom and was able to smile about it with no rancor.
I started experiencing anticipatory grief over 2.5 years ago after she broke her hip and her cognitive ability took a sharp decline.
I've already burned through the anticipatory grief stage and now I'm just numb from being her sole caregiver and watching the slow progression of her decline.
This is tougher if you live with your mom, but maybe there’s some ‘signature piece’ you can wear around her, especially if its tied to the past? Like hair ornaments or shirts in a color you wore a lot as a child, or if you have wild hair like me just let it be free…you get the idea. Won’t stop the march of this hideous disease but it’s something.
Have to add that after being the chipper entertainer in the MC with my mom I go to my car and usually cry. We just have to get through this.
Big hug, wishing you the best!
Flash forward 40+ years and I was laying out family pictures on the dining table and he tells me he can't distinguish his daughters: I then knew what I only previously suspected. One issue still haunts me; was his vision impaired by his diseased brain or do the eyes deceive the brain?
I'm guessing that setting out framed pictures with names on them would help, but that's only a guess on my part. Or, maybe wearing name badges would help?
You're doing well in caring for your husband!
My mom forgot my name, so often I’d ask her what’s my name and at early onset she remembered. Her span of dementia was from about 1996-2005. We’ll to make a long story short.. she began calling me “ that girl”😊 so until her death I was “ that girl” and that was alright with me!
So if you have to make a new memory…. Then go for it! Even though the tears may flow.. try to make them happy memories of the woman she becoming because as much as you may wish,😞 you won’t be able to change her back. Remember just as she is changing, so must we.( so very hard yes, but doable, in baby steps).
Wishing you the best outcome💕
It is good that you are trying to prepare yourself in the event that it happens. Speak with the pts doctor for any specific guidelines he/she may provide you re the patient 's specific illness. In the meantime
some general guidelines include remembering that safety, the PT and yours is a priority; try to stay calm, you may try to redirect pt as to who you are but avoid forcing the subject or making the pt or yourself agitated. Sometimes simply redirecting the conversation ( or name) helps...
Remember too that sometimes what or who the pt " knows" may come out " scrambled".... Word scrambling is one often observed experience.
Other suggestions to support yourself and the pt may come from a qualified in home health providers if you have these in your home ; and as mentioned earlier speak with the pts physician for referrals.
Prayers and peace for you all on this beautiful yet exhausting journey with a loved one...
dementia for over five years.
After three years she didn't know me for short periods of time.. Then there were three and sometimes 4 Dave's, its called CAPGRAS. She lives at home and those days are rough but I tell myself that's not my wife. The next day all is OK which makes it easier to forgive and forget.
It will be OK.
Sometimes I feel that Dementia is harder on the family than it is on the person with Dementia.
A friend of mine said his father one day didn't recognize him any more and began yelling for help and screaming at him to leave his house. He hadn't began thinking of it so he was unprepared when it happened. Most instances aren't as extreme as that. People just generally don't remember anyone's name.
If or when she stops remembering who you are, you might have to repeatedly remind her who you are. Another thing that can help is trying to determine what memories she has. My friend's dad I mentioned earlier was a drum major for his college band and had very vivid memories of those time. He lit up when speaking about that period of his life. He didn't remember tings in current time. But those older memories seems to remain strong.
Another helpful thing is pulling out old photo albums of the family socializing. That can sometimes help a dementia patient. Seeing the old photos might be good medicine.
I simply hold their hand as love can be felt.
I heard a beautiful story on a Religion in the 21st Century video by Fr. Himes of Boston College. It was touching. As his mother neared the end of her life, she had moved to be closer to him in Boston then onto a home; dementia of some sought. He said his mother didn't remember his name but one day she said to him, "I don't remember your name but I know you are someone that I love very much". I thought it was so beautiful. It makes me fill up as I write this.
I hope this brings you some consolation...