I have been taking care of my mother with ongoing health issues for about three years. Prior to that, she had no serious need for special care. She began with health issues in 2013 with having a pulmonary embolism. Then she had several episodes of delirium caused by UTIs. She had been in nursing homes three times and is now at home getting care by me and CNAs that come to the house five days a week. She recently was told by a doctor that she had several mini strokes two years ago and also has Parkinson's. She needs help with mobility limitations which I and my brother help her with. She is often depressed and frightened. She is so frightened she wants me to be there with her 100% (not kidding) of the time when I am not at work or running errands. As soon as I come in the house, she is calling me into her room. I know this sounds selfish but I feel like I have no life and no freedom any more. I only see my boyfriend who lives about 15 miles from me for maybe 2-3 hours a week. I live with my mother and my brother. I want to be able to care for my mother but she wants me there all of the time. She also calls me a lot every day while I am at work. I try to be helpful and supportive most of the time but sometimes I just don't answer the phone and she can call repeatedly. She has severe vertigo and has developed a fear of death and obsesses about it. She used to say to trust God and give your troubles to God and now is afraid that when you die, there is nothing. She has been a hardworking and supportive loving parent. It's not like she was an abusive person in her youth and I want to take care of her but there is never any break. Sometimes I lose it and yell like I did today. I just wanted to go to my own space and be left alone. Even if I can go to my own space she starts calling me on the phone over and over so I don't feel like I got to be alone. I feel guilty yelling at an elderly scared person. Much of the time I am supportive and caring but I think I am hitting burn out or don't know how to balance my needs with hers. I do not want to put her into a nursing home. She is getting care at home through a PA waiver program plus nurses, PTs, OTs come to the house. When she is in a nursing home, she gets worse. I figure a nursing home is for when the person is very very ill.
My son who's 31 moved his father into his house for the next year while he undergoes chemotherapy, surgery, then another round of chemo. My son is SO stressed out that he's building a tiny house in his backyard. He's not putting his father in it, either........it's for he and his wife to escape to when things get really bad!
It's no joke to care for sick/elderly loved ones, no matter what. I wish you all the best, and hope you are able to carve out some escape time for yourself. Otherwise, YOU may wind up in the hospital and then what? Take good care, ok?
My husband isn't on medication, but he does calm down a lot when I put music on. The cable here has music channels, and he loves what used to be his father's music - Singers and Swing. You can also get Pandora on your computer, or youtube. Pandora is free, but has ads. I think "pay pandora" isn't that expensive, and you can create your own "stations" with no ads.
Also, ask around to find out what NH or AL have good reputations. You were burned before, but there may be a really good place that you don't know about. If you can find one, maybe you'll be able to stand the idea of placing her there. Maybe she will love it and be less lonely. God bless you
To those who found anxiety meds very helpful in this situation, I would love to know what medications helped your parents. thanks.
And Rainmom.....I love that about the oxygen mask. Thanks for re-posting. I usually said Put Your Big Girl Panties On but I like this even better. :)
As a caregiver, you have to have time for yourself, it's a must, and the other members who said you can't take care of someone until you take care of yourself, this is very true. I also have my parent on a caregiving schedule for meds, meals, baths, etc... this helps a lot. You can fit in time for yourself between their schedule.
Believe me i have felt like it, as my Mom has Alz/dementia.
When i get frustrated i just think back when i was younger and probably drove my Mom crazy at times.
In my case, my Mom at times does not even know who she is or why she feels the way she does. Always try and reverse it and put yourself in her shoes.
My Mom is 97 and i feel very fortunate to still have her. Patience is key! And as far as all the meds you can give her...not the best way to go. Get advice from at least 2 Dr's. It is very easy to fill your Mom up with drugs....but what a horrible way to have her live her life out.
Have someone sit with your Mom for a few hours....take a break. Too often i hear "well lets put her in a home". Thats horrible! This person is your Mother. If it is comfortable for awhile....then so be it. It probably wasn't a party when raising you at times...right?
When i look at my Mom at times when she is having a bad day, i think how she must feel - Not having control of her own thoughts or even what day it is.
After all ...when all is said and done...the day this person is gone... you just may regret what you have
"Not" done for her.
Please be Patient with your Mom.
If you are not sure what type of facility your mom would be best suited, I would have her assessed to see what would be the best fit. If she needs daily skilled nursing, probably a nursing home, but if not, then I would explore Assisted Living. Either dementia or age related decline can cause some of the symptoms you are describing. I would discuss that with her doctor to gauge how she might be progressing.
I had sacrificed relationships, dedicated half my house to her, ran around like a mad woman getting her everything she wanted and needed and tried to no avail to get her to change some of her bad habits to increase her quality of life and wellness. I tried to be a companion to her, as well. This was the most difficult part for me. She was a good mother to me growing up and I wanted to do right by her.
Finally, for medical reasons, she couldn't be left alone anymore. So, it was either put her somewhere or quit my job. So, I placed her is a personal care home (a.k.a assisted living - memory care facility) where she has actually been much better off in many ways.
She's made friends, her meals are more balanced, her medicine is on a better schedule and she is able to get a bath more often. A nurse is there, if needed. The doctor comes around there, so I only have to take her to the pain clinic.
Let me tell you, it's been a blessing in so many ways. I GOT MY LIFE BACK! I didn't even realize how much of my time, energy, spirit, resources and focus was being spend on her. Now I have more time for me, my husband and most of all my kids. I go see mom 2 or 3 times a week and she is fine.
Yes, she would like to come home, but she's there and that's it. She adjust a little more as each day goes by and she seems to like it there just fine.
AstridK, do what you can for your mom, but don't let your life slip by in the process. I'm 47 years old and I realize now, I should have made better arrangements for her at least 5 years ago.
Don't be afraid to do what you have to do. You will be amazed at the relief you feel vs the guilt and grief you feel now.
Continue trying to balance your needs with your mom's. Your needs have to come first (within reason) or you won't be able to care for your mom.