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Pure motives? Then I apologize in advance. Just checking.
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You both need to be sitting in a room with a competent third party - therapist, pastor, somebody - and share with them what she said at the end of your anniversary celebration. She has sadness about her dad, and sure, that's valid, but you have sadness about the effective total loss of your marriage, that what she said meant to you that with even a short time away from your dad she misses him and feels more for him than for all the time and intimacy she has missed with you. I mean, unless her missing him is just her feeling and she is really wiling to work on using more respite and giving something to your marriage on a regular - not annual - not monthly, but truly regular basis. Maybe her guilt about dad if she does not provide all his care personally is overwhelming her sense that you and your marriage matter and can't just be put on the shelf indefinitely, until Dad is no longer in need of care, which is what she thinks she wants and should be able to do, because its her Dad! Much easier than facing down an incredible load of false guilt, right? Someone besides you has to tell her no, it can't work like this and it's not OK. The worst thing that can happen is she will consciously decide that Dad really is more important, and she'll be posting on here about how her spouse left her because of caregiving. But if we recognize the situation - that she could have had and enjoyed respite and could have nurtured your relationship but chose not to, chose to drain it dry instead, we can call BS on that.
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vstefans has laid it out like it is!

I hope not, but if she does or already has made a conscious decision that daddy is more important, then she's broken her marriage vows and it would be time for the fist line of a song that I'm writing, "I Can't Be Married to You & Dad" If I can't have you only, I'd rather be alone like I already am." If it goes that way, which I hope it does not, then take your energy and put it into writing a book "When She's Married to Dad: A Story of the Dad Enmeshed Daughter" It would compliment the book that is already on the market, "When He's Married to Mom: Mom Enmeshed Men".

I hope this is not true, but it sounds like this may well be going on. If so, she likely has blinders on and ear plugs in her ears to keep from seeing or hearing reality any different that her very narrow perception.

I'd try, but she might not go to therapy which you can't force her as adult to do, but you can tell her is something you are doing as a consequence of her behavior.

On a more cynical level, none of the above may be true. Is dad bringing money into the household that she's afraid of living without? Is he providing a big amount of money that makes the household budget a whole lot easier to live within or gives her more money to spend? If so, that's still being unfaithful.

I hope and pray that I'm entirely wrong. I pray more that at least you will get yourself into therapy regardless of what wifey does or does not do. You didn't make her the way she is now (and may have been all along.) You can't control her. You can't fix her. The only one you can control and fix is yourself.
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Give your father in law a ride to AL, a new senior apartment, or a room rental. Let your wife care for him there. She will understand with this change.

Your wife may have unrealistic expectations of you joining her in the caregiving responsibilities. It may be unspoken. But there is some resentment?
Maybe, if she won't talk about it, you can apologize for not being helpful enough , but that is her job and you're not going to help lose your wife by supporting this behavior from her. There is another reason you need a third party.
You mentioned her cousin? I might have missed something, but this pain has gone on long enough.
Then, there are some wives/husbands who have bigger problems you cannot fix.
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Beretta, something is going on here that you are not "getting", I think. Having her dad there is fulfilling some need that your wife has that is unfulfilled by her marriage and her job. Maybe this need to have her dad at home is fueled by some cultural or familial expectations that are embedded in her, or maybe there's an enmeshed relationship. WE can't know that.

But you are clearly unhappy with this situation and want to change it. And she does not, and you seem unwilling to up the ante by forcing the issue. You hint around, you ask for a relative to talk to her, you are willing not to participate in YOUR dad's care, all to keep the peace. So in my eyes, this is not a functional marriage.

I would not attempt to repair this situation on my own, unless you are ready for a split right now, i.e., you go to your dad's to care for him while she remains in your marital home to care for her dad. If you are interested in repairing this breach, seek marriage therapy. If not, retain a lawyer and find out what your legal and financial obligation is to your wife.
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We're in a "flux" generation, regarding caring for our parents. So much has changed from the time that our parents cared for theirs - working women, increased longevity, etc. BUT what has not changed is that we were brought up with a lifetime of messages from family and media that we are expected to care for our parents as has been done by the generations before us. So what she may be experiencing is the impossible struggle of meeting "back in the day" standards of taking care of our parents, with a whole new set of responsibilities and limits. Even if this need to meet the old standards only exists withing the caregiver (and not coming from the parent), there is this constant feeling of not doing enough, not doing it right. Add to this that she may have told her mom she'd take care of Dad, so having him move to AL may feel like she's not doing what she promised.

I'm not saying that you all don't need to move this forward....I'm just saying that when you're programmed to be a caregiver, it's hard to let go without feeling like you've failed. Hard to be told you have to be SuperWoman and realize you don't have the super powers after all.
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Did that generation give up their spouses to care for their parents? Neither of my parents took care of their parents for they died before needing care. My parerents were among the first wave of divorces in the 50s. One of her problems was expecting her husband to be rich like her daddy among other relationship weaknesses.

If this is an example of a former generation's mores, then it is surely dishonorable concerning an adult child's marriage. What would she feel if the shoe were on the other foot with his mom in their home and her cut off just the same as he is? She would have the same complaints!
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Beretta, you've just been too good staying at home doing the housework, other chores and not getting any response from the wife. May I suggest something? I'm sure you have already heard this before but women tend to be the caretakers of the family regardless of whether it's his family, her family or other family members. All (most) women want to care and make the decisions. They are natural as mothers and think they know best. That's why she's telling you to back off. First, I would interview a cleaning service for once a month, later maybe, twice a month (you'll love it when you don't have to do it) tell your wife, while you love her dearly, you have had enough and it's gone on for almost a year now and you are lonely and want your wife back. You have found an AL for the FIL to move into and you need her to hear what you're saying. AT this point, she will either say ok, or again, back off or go to H**. No worries, it's not you she's rejecting, it's the timing of her father's illness and she's stuck. A child should help take care of the parent/s, as they did when the child was young. If she says back off, don't argue, just get the cleaning lady coming and start living life again doing whatever you think you can handle. When she sees that you've returned to the land of the living, she will wonder what you're doing and will eventually join you after SHE puts the FIL in an AL facility. As long as you will remain where you're at now, she knows you aren't fooling around, enjoying yourself without her and she can be selfish while looking like a saint! Once she sees that the AL is the best answer, the FIL will like it better if it's a good one and you and wife will be back together again. Good luck.
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Here's a plan: In the middle of the night, after you are up for some reason and laying there awake and she is awake too, just blurt out "I want your father to move out, I really do!". Sometime around 3am when things get simple.
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So quite an update: I have taken what I have learned out here from you all and put it to the best use. I sat down with my wife and was loving but direct--"With you now with your back and other issues, we have to go forward. I love you and you are MY PROIRITY as my wife. I love your dad bit I cannot take care of you both." We talked, and she asked about my research into AL. Coule days later she spoke with FIL about going for a tour and check it out for lunch. No more, no less. He is ok with that. "Planting the seed" is how it was referred to me out here, and it worked--as he is interested. This is a step, and I told her that I am proud of her. I will keep you all posted--and again appreciate your advise!!
THANK_YOU!
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Beretta, this is such good news! And thanks so much for sharing with us. So often people post about challenging or difficult situations, get a lot of advice, and either never provide an update, justify not doing anything to change, or often come back with the same old story in another post.

It's rewarding to know that the suggestions of all the people who took the time were considered and that you've both moved forward. I think this will likely lessen the stress your wife feels as well as she too moves forward toward a more balanced resolution.

Good, mature, and professional way to handle the situation.

Wishing you the best as you go forward.
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Another thing you could do is write her a letter. You are a pretty good writer and you are able to express your ideas and feelings pretty well in writing. Ask her to read it when you are not with her. Ask her to reply. Email works pretty well for this surprisingly. For some of the hard stuff you need to talk about. Especially when both of you kind of avoid hard things for the sake of getting along.
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With respect, stop asking and start telling. This person whom I am sure you (both) love has become a wedge between husband and wife. "Forsaking ALL others". If and when allowed an elderly parent is allowed, they can become like a child who will never grow up. This is a tragic thing to do to any marriage. Accepting help from someone else when the situation is harming the marriage is not a choice. It is something she promised to do when marrying you. Couples counseling - Go.
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Just read the update - well done. Peace and long life to you and your wife.
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Beretta: I think you are always so timid about owning your own feelings and expressing them. If you tell your wife "its because of your back" its another of the endless versions of not taking responsibility for your own feelings. However, I did like the part of "I can't do this any more". Just didn't like that you blamed it on her back. This shifts the emotional responsibility because you aren't coming forth with your emotional honesty about your side of the equation. Its like you want to manipulate her to take responsablity for the decision so you don't have to. That's an area to gather some courage in and think about.
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Beretta, You have taken the hardest step, and looks like you will win your wife back! Was she this difficult to convince when you asked her to marry you?
You did good. It is becoming rare to see a man step up to the plate, stand in the gap, choose the life you have instead of giving up.! So happy for you, and especially happy for your wife!
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Awesome news! I really like the idea of writing her and leaving her notes as both of way of keeping things going yet showing your love and support because I agree you are a good writer. It may also deepen the emotional intimacy between you, strengthening the bond and trust that seems to have taken a hit over the years. Prayers with you, guy! You're doing great!
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Another step has been reached. We are now discussing it between Myself, My wife and FIL, and brother in law. My Fil understands and is not upset, and neither is my wife, though she still not really happy--she at least is on board. I will continue my research, but will be booking a tour by the end of November which My wife and FIL want to join me. ONE STEP AT A TIME!
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Your patient approach is laudable.
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Thanks for sharing the good (and forward moving) news.
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So today finds myself continuing my research. But as we are in December my wife has become more distant about speaking about future plans for FIL. I brought up the tour idea as I am taking couple of days off, and she tells me it bothers her to discuss it, "like I speak of it daily." So i am trying a differint approach. I will be quiet about the NH subject, and will fo thru the Christmas season doing the family thing, not just us but MY family. Once Christmas is behind us, I am going to bring this up again FIRMLY. We need to get him into the system (waiting list) which could be 1 month up to several. But I want this done, and if need be I know it might get a bit nasty. But for months the calm and trying to be reasonable approach is not working. But am i truly doing the right thing by insisting? Please lend me your thoughts............
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It seems you are making a compromise of some type every single day, and that she is making pretty much zero compromises. Having one visit to a suitable AL with you and her (before Christmas) would be one compromise. There is no give and take going on in the marriage relationship right now on this issue. This is a relationship issue, and she exerts quite a lot of power over you without any compromise in return. Its as if she holds power over you with a constant threat that she will reject you for having your own needs. Desiring to preserve the marriage which should last well beyond the FILs death is a righteous purpose.
Once again, go to secret counseling on your own and get assistance figuring this out constructively.
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You and your wife are in a marriage = partnership. There is something you want to discuss and agree on a plan - she is refusing to discuss it. She is not honoring your partnership. Good luck with you - but it seems as if she will not now and will not in the future discuss it. You might have to notch it up a little - go to counseling on your own to help you - if she is not willing to discuss and insists that nothing changes - what are you willing to do/not do? Are you willing to move out? Hire someone to do the household chores you do so you can have a break? I'm not sure what to suggest but I feel for you. Your wife is not being fair.
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Beretta: Could you refresh us on the FILs condition, especially mental condition and ability to understand normal conversations? Is he still able to understand a man to man conversation about "I love you but..."?
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That is an interesting approach, Kathy. My FIL has many health issues, as well as Dementia/Alzheimers but amazingly all is in check for many months. I do attribute that to the surroundings and think that we are doing all things right. But as he is ok, I am not, working all weel and doing 90-95% of household needs. But i see things like he is after being home 3 days on his own while we both work. He sleeps a lot, and gets bored and miserable. Now speaking to HIM is an option, but I know my wife, she will see it as going behind her back. So i spoke with her brother. He will begin tourd with me, and aggrees that we need to get FIL into the system. So it is going to be an interesting family meeting after XMAS, and I am hoping that hearing her brothers fellings as well as mine will convince my wife.
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One more time. Find yourself a marital therapist. This is beyond the DYI stage.
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Thanks Babalou, but I want to try it the DYI way. I have put a ton of the advice that i have received out here and it has kept balance and peace in my house, and in my Mind. But if I have reached the need for a therapist, I will take advantage of it. Trust me I want to do what is needed to do for my Relationship! But no, if my last nerve is being stepped on and abused, I will leave. My situation is not there yet, but if it does, I will still try by reaching out to everyone on here.
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This post is 3 months old -- any updates?
Honestly, the only thing that keep running through my head is that how she cares for her father is a preview of how she's likely to
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...care for you if you get sick, and that you are one lucky guy. Loyalty isn't to be taken lightly.
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I've read through your recent posts because I remember your predicament. Yes, it's December...so what? What does Christmas mean if there's no JOY in your heart? Stop making excuses for your wife - her back, etc. Stop being her man servant. Your wife is not hearing you so it's time to speak with your feet. Hire a housekeeper and take your time to get out of the house. It needn't be expensive. For example, go to the movies. Libraries are free and usually offer a range of activities. Join Rotary or volunteer in your community. Absence makes the heart grow fonder. And if it doesn't, then you'll know what to do next.
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