After 11 months, working full time and doing most of if not all the household duties, i feel like more of a room-mate then a husband most of the time. One of my best friends to the both of us offered to come over and be my FIL's "gopher"to give is a much needed break together. My wife said no as she did not want to leave her dad and burden him with the task. This has been my last 11 months. Even now as she knows he needs to go to AL, she is hesitating and reciently told me to "back-off" on the subject as it is upsetting her. So as I am researching AL places on my own, i am getting more bitter every week.
Help........need advise AGAIN!
There are some posts here about easing the transition for the move, if you need additional ideas on what to take, the day of the move, etc. I can't remember if I posted a link before and am too lazy to check my old messages.
https://www.agingcare.com/questions/move-easy-for-dad-to-assisted-living-185662.htm
https://www.agingcare.com/search.aspx?searchterm=AL+move%2c+easing+transition
Are you going out to celebrate after the move?
just sayin ..
Thanks for sharing your very personal story, and providing hope and encouragement to others facing similar situations.
" I also took care of my elderly father for 9 years until he passed when he didn't want to live by himself after my mother passed away."
https://www.agingcare.com/Members/Terry512
So this Terry512 can't be your wife, right? What am I missing or confusing?
I really wonder what is going on with your wife wanting to be such an overprotective daughter to the point of ignoring you? At this point, I think I'd say, enough is enough, if he comes back home, I am gone. What need is she trying to meet by this over attachment?
You and your wife need to get some mutual understanding and agreement about what your responsibilities and roles are vis a vis all of your parents as they age.
What I've noticed over time is that "kids" who've had the worst childhoods seem to be in the forefront of those who feel that they MUST give up their lives to do hands on care for their parents. Maybe they are still looking for love, or validation from that parent. I'm no expert.
What i do see is that your wife has some misplaced and frankly wildly inappropriate ideas on this that are eroding your marriage. Damage has been done. You deserve for it to be repaired.
I wish you luck with getting your FIL in an AL and KEEPING him there. Things are looking much more positive than in your original post. I hope your wife doesn't try to undermine his stay by finding fault and bringing him back to your home.
Now to all the posters;
What great advise you've given beretta over the past 7 months! However, I don't think you're picking up on the clues in his replies. This gentleman doesn't WANT to go to therapy. Why? Who knows. Maybe because only "crazy" people go to therapists, maybe he had a bad experience with one, maybe he doesn't want "other issues" resurrected, maybe he can't afford it. For whatever reason, it's not going to happen. Better to drop it.
It's also obvious that he's never going to walk out on her. A man with that much "patience" would never think of abandoning his wife. I'd give that one up too.
The suggestion for a housekeeper was good, but, as far as I can see, he only used one once.
The cousin sounded promising but nothing came of that and he didn't seem to persue it any farther.
Maybe all beretta was looking for was sympathy/empathy. He found it here and has a sense of belonging and acceptance now. (Something he didn't have with his wife in September.) We were an outlet for him and maybe that's all he needed. Even though WE think he should have been more aggressive, that doesn't seem to be who he is and fit his personality. I'm sure all the advice was appreciated but it has to "fit" the person's style.
It's been frustrating to read the "set-backs" for him, but he had to play it as HE sees it. We can be there when the going gets tough(er). We can pray and send positive thoughts to him.
I'm sure I'm going to take some "heat" for my opinion, but that's how I see it. Just my 2 pesos.
Everyone in different, some people feel a strong love or maybe obligation to care for a parent and others feel as my family does - there is always another option which would be better for both the parent and child. Maybe it depends on how close the family was in the first place.
This is my second marriage and to my spouse Mom is not family and they are not close. He said he would never live with her and it would be the end of our marriage, and I respect that. Over the past 20 years, she has been difficult even from afar. As an only child, he was responsible for both his parents until they died. I never would have disrupted and put our marriage at risk bringing Mom here. There were other choices which worked out better for both Mom and our marriage.
To me, Beretta is a saint to have taken second place for so long.
In fact, my sister lost her husband this year. She is in the process of selling her house and moving to the same place Mom was in. She is excited about the social life and making friends.
Best of luck to you! Enjoy your life while your FIL enjoys his.
So far So good! We have not cut him out, as we go see him once a week--my wife goes twice. And now planning for his 80th at the Village with a lunch party.
So I ask myself now after reflection, "Would I do this again?" it would be hard to say yes, as I found it the most draining part of my life, but also rewarding knowing it was for the right reasons at the time. Best advice I could give to new comers thinking about caregiving is PLAN AHEAD and cover your bases! Jumping in with your heart but with no planning will lead to lots of frustration and issues. Think first with family and have a plan!! And once again to all who helped me out here with your advise, a huge thanks!!!!!!!!!