Mom (93), two sisters live back east, neither of them helps out. What do I say now being accused of holding Mom hostage?

You're welcome, Wehogal. We are all here for each other, you will find honest folks who sometimes have only this terrible thing which is happening to a loved one in common. -My best to you, and yours, and thank you for sharing.

Thanks, sascaregiver. I moved over to Money & Legal. There is a thread already going there that is dealing with a very similar issue. It is probably where I "belong". ;-)
Thanks for all your help and support though. Sorry to have ranted and raved. I did get it off my chest and have calmed down now. And thanks again to Babalou for the hug.

Wehogal- No worries, it just comes in an email to me each time as being a new answer to my question. I think people would be interested to hear more about your situation, which is why I suggested to begin with asking a question and then others can help you by offering their support as things progress. Just know we ask questions and give opinions so be ready for that and you will find there are a lot of good people here who want to understand what your family is going and offer to help you get peace of mind. Sometimes things are so bad and unfair, it's all we have to offer each other. Please don't give up, though, and remember also to take good care of yourself while you are having to worry so much about your mom's welfare.

OK. I'll stop. It did help me get things off my chest. I did feel unjustly attacked by Countrymouse. I'm in the middle of this crisis right now and was browsing the internet for help. That's how I came across this website in the first place. Sorry. Bye.

Wehogal, since this was my post to begin with I feel it is ok to try to help you understand that folks are merely stating their opinion so there's no need to feel offended if someone asks you for clarfication or additional information. Hopefully this helps you to get things off your chest and you can find a way to help your mom. At one point I had to take complete control of my mom's situation so I understand what Countrymouse is thinking of. However, as I said previously, your situation is very different so you might want to begin a new question that is not attached to my thread.

My sister is simply a sick woman and wants total control of my mother. I think she has bipolar disorder. I also think it has to do with childhood issues. My youngest sister and I were favored children, and she is the middle child. She also had a near-fatal car accident about 20 years ago and spent a month in intensive care. I have been watching her mentally deteriorate since then. But just before my father died almost exactly four years ago, three weeks after his 80th birthday (yesterday would have been his 84th bd), she became really aggressive and out of control. I was staying with my father on his birthday weekend and he was telling me about it. He was furious with her and exploded telling me about it. Telling me how aggressive she was being about wanting control of his money. That she was trying to declare him incompetent. He was not remotely incompetent. We took a 45 minute video of him that weekend. Sadly, he died three weeks later - two days after a massive fight that he had with her. No reason for the death. No heart attack. His heart just stopped. He got up around 4 in the morning to go the bathroom, according to his wife, then back to bed. Never woke up. Autopsy results said his heart simply stopped. His wife was then dying of ovarian cancer and died a few months later. I blame her for the added stress she caused him.

Plus, I was Skyping my mother and her companion several times a week until my sister deleted Skype off his computer and her iPad when he went into the hospital. These are all things that qualify as legal undue influence, when you try to isolate someone from other people, especially from other family members. My sister is a very sick woman. It is NOT about me interfering with her doing right by my mother. It is about her doing WRONG by her. A few months before this all happened, her companion was complaining to me about how aggressive my sister was being about trying to get control of my mother's money. Then he told me that after a short trip she took to my sister's, all of a sudden, she was on all her bank accounts. He was extremely upset about it. He kept telling my mother to call her attorney about it and showing her the statements. My mother would refuse to look at them and would say my sister would never do that. Same problem I would have with my mother a couple of years ago when I was the executor of my father's estate and having problems with things my sister and her husband were doing which ended up costing the estate almost a quarter of a million $$$ because of their stupidity and greed backfiring and costing us all money. My mother would refuse to believe it, saying they couldn't possibly be doing those things. Undue influence. This is a complicated situation. It is not always the primary caregiver who is in the right, as most of the people who post here probably are - and my heart goes out to them. When I was caring for my caregiver, my sisters accused me of living off my grandmother for years. As though my grandparents were ever rich (they were barely middle class), and that 24/7 caregivers worked for free. I had a full time high level executive position while neither sister had ever held a job in their lives. That's right. Neither sister has ever worked. One sister can't even balance a check book. So they don't even understand finances. I managed my grandparents' trusts. Paid more for my grandmother's care in the ten years than she started with and still had money left over to distribute to her heirs when she died. And still got accused of living off her money. Amazing I didn't find this website back then. There is a reason all these people (my father, my grandparents, etc) had me as their executors/legal guardians, etc. I am NOT delusional about what my sister is doing.

Your mother certainly does need a full assessment from an appropriate geriatric/neurology/psychiatry-combo specialist. What is your sister's reason for avoiding this?

Countrymouse. I hate to disagree, but I, my mother's companion's children, and his caregivers, have asked my sister to get my mother her own caregiver/driver for almost seven months. She hasn't wanted to spend the money which she controls. We have asked her to get my mother properly diagnosed since we recognized what was going on with my mother and we wanted to stop it from advancing, if possible, or at least get it stabilized. My mother's dementia is not that far along. Her friends don't even know that she has dementia, thinking she is just under a lot of stress and forgetful because of her companion's illness. Her attorney doesn't even know that she has dementia and she has been dealing with him, signing documents my sister is putting in front of her, using her undue influence - illegal under FL law. I found out doing research this week she actually has - under FL law - legal undue influence and has committed several first degree felonies, including negligent fiscal responsibility and mental abuse. Her companion and I have been asking my sister to get her a proper diagnosis and asking her to get my mother proper meds. My sister has been refusing to do it. It wasn't until it reach this crisis that in the last few weeks she started waking him up in the middle of the night, yelling and screaming at him about the girls stealing things, yelling at the girls threatening to call the police, her driving becoming erratic so that he had to take the car away from her because he was worried about her causing an accident - with her screaming she'd never had one. But she has never gotten lost, continues to see her friends, play bridge, go with her friends to lectures, take classes, send emails, etc. So she is not that far gone. I had a totally coherent conversation with her today. FYI... I was the legal guardian for my grandmother for a decade, and the trustee of my grandfather's trust for the same period of time after his death. I cared for him after he became mentally incapacitated and too much for my grandmother to handle for several years before his death, so I know about responsibility to elders - and I never prevented family members from access to them or felt they were MINE. In fact, this same sister repeatedly and vocally wished this grandmother was dead for her money and didn't call her ten times in the ten years I was caring for her. Visiting her only twice from the other coast in all that time. My grandmother lived to almost 101 years, so I know what is involved in taking care of an elderly person and someone with some dementia problems. I had a 24/7 caregiver for my grandmother and she lived comfortably in her own home until the moment she died. I did not worry about what that cost. I spent what was necessary on her care. I discussed my mother's behavior with my grandmother's caregiver of the last eight years of her life with whom I am still close and who now works in a hospital and deals with dementia patients daily and who also knows my mother. She also knows my mother isn't that far along with her dementia. She feels with the proper diagnosis, meds to help her sleep through the night and a mood stabilizer during the day, her paranoia should disappear and she should function normally for several more years at least. My mother's attorney says that my sister does NOT have guardianship of her, has only financial POA, does not have the right to keep her if my mother wants to return to her companion who wants her back - with her own caregiver/driver, and to whom my mother wants to return. His children are furious that he has been kicked out of their summer home in New England and treated like thieves, when they have been living together for ten years there and which he has mostly been paying for, so her late husband's kids can make a profit on the place. My mother still expects to live there with him in the summer. My mother's needs at this point are NOT that substantial. What may come down the line may be different. However, my sister does not OWN my mother, like she told my mother's companion. I make daily calls to my mother, or she calls me daily, sometimes two or three times if she has forgotten she has called me. My sister resents that and last year blocked my numbers from my mother's phone for several months until he was able to take calls and had his son physical take my sister to Verizon to unblock my phone as she had hacked into his account and was lying to him about unblocking my numbers. This is an unstable, irrational person. My mother's friends wondered about her sudden and long disappearance and why they couldn't reach her on her cell. THEY don't think she has dementia. So I'm sorry, Countrymouse. The situation is more complex than you think and "I" am not the problem here. I DO know quite a bit about dementia from having to take care of my grandmother for a decade, having been accused by her of everything from getting calls from her doctor asking if I had switched her wheelchair - like that was something I had time to do, her telling everyone I had changed all her clothes to men's clothes (she was 4'3' by the time she was 90), calling her lawyer saying I had stolen all her money and having to send her lawyer all her bank statement (of course I hadn't stolen her money - like I had money to pay for a 24/7 caregiver), her calling her bank and having my name taken off the accounts and me having to take time off of work to get reinstated and finally having to get her to step down from her trust so I didn't have to deal with doing that regularly anymore. Her constantly accusing her caregiver of going to see her boyfriend (which she didn't have) when she would leave the apartment to do the laundry or buy groceries. I once got a call from the neighbor across the hall because my grandmother was screaming at her she was going to call the police on her. I had to explain to the woman about my grandmother's dementia. So yes, Countymouse. I do have experience with dementia. My mother's is not that advanced and my sister IS holding her hostage and lying to her.

Wehogal, I understand you are very upset and I can only encourage you to not give up on trying to get help for your mom. My situation is very different in that my sisters want nothing to do with caring for our mom, who was hospitalized five weeks in 2014. My sisters seem to have realized I am not impressed with their stupid bullying. One sister calls once in a while to talk about the weather and the other hasn't bothered to call in over a year.

So, to recap.

Your mother was staying with her long-term companion in his (?) home. He then fell ill and needed to recover from surgery. Your mother was, because of her dementia, becoming extremely disruptive to this process. The companion's children insisted on her removal to an alternative home and, failing your sister's prompt arrival to deal with it herself, moved her to stay with her twin - presumably without your sister's agreement to that. The twin, also presumably, is in no position to care for a sister with dementia. Your sister took the companion's children (and, regrettably, the companion himself) severely to task over their treatment of your mother; and since then relations have broken down, apparently irreparably.

I'm sorry if this hurts your feelings, but you are exactly the kind of uninvolved accusatory sibling who makes caregivers lives ten times more stressful than they are anyway. Your sister has serious responsibilities to manage, caring for an elderly lady with dementia whose finances also sound quite complex, and your contribution to this is to call various agencies, pose hypothetical questions to them, and use their hypothetical answers to give your sister an even harder time.

What is your plan for serving your mother's best interests? I don't happen to agree with deceiving people with dementia as a means of keeping them quiet, but your own approach of telling your mother about the condo, for example, which your sister had avoided doing because it distresses her, is not clever. You're not there to explain it to her forty times a day, are you? As for the mirage of your mother's returning to Florida at some point; well, there will be tests to do, that part is true. The rest of it amounts to: your mother will be able to "go home" once she's well enough, if possible. The point being that as dementia sufferers age, less and less is still possible. Would you care to devise a way of making your mother understand that?

You think your sister should ship your mother back to Florida? - and, what, care for her long distance? Move her own family down there? Bring the companion to live with her? Commute?

Contact with you is important to your mother's quality of life; that's why it's been reinstated. Contact with the companion is a "nice to have" - if he lived here, or she lived there, perhaps there'd be less standing in their way. But compared to your mother's substantial care needs, the companion is not going to get a look in. I'm sorry for that, I too tear up over late-blooming relationships; but from your sister's point of view it's a deeply unwelcome complication with a family she's already fallen out with: how hard do you expect her to try to make it happen?

I'm sorry to disagree with you so bluntly. All I can say is: you try it. You seem to speak from the perspective of someone who has never come into close, daily contact with dementia.

The police in CT went to check on my mother. My sister told the police my mother's companion was harassing my mother and that is why she turned off the phone. But several of my mother's friends in FL called him very worried about my mother's sudden and long disappearance. He told them what was going on. They tried to reach her for over a week on her cell and couldn't get through until after I called FL Social Services and they called the CT police. My sister finally turned back on the phone. My mother has no clue all this has happened. She tells the friends she will be back soon, as soon as she completes all the medical tests my sister has set up for her. She says the same thing to her companion. He is totally depressed because he can't get through to her that my sister is lying. He is sure my mother isn't coming back. I doubt it is really considered "kidnapping" because my mother IS in early stages of dementia, my sister holds her health proxy and can claim she is doing it in her best interests. I've spoken with my mother's attorney and am trying to get him to intervene. The east coast blizzard is going on now, so I have to wait to get through to him this week. It's a nightmare situation. And yes, my sister is deeply disturbed. Unfortunately, she has always been much closer to my mother than I am and has long had undue influence over her. My mother totally trusts her. Even more now that she has some dementia. She hasn't believed her companion about my sister for over three years now, and this isn't the first bad thing she's done. It's just the biggest bad thing. I've always been on the wrong side of an argument with my mother my entire life anyway. I was Daddy's girl and they divorced years ago. Doesn't mean I don't love and care about her - just have my father's head on my shoulders - and my sister is a lunatic unfortunately, Deeply disturbed. Has refused to get on the phone to speak with me about anything for over four years. Even when I call to ask about my mother's health issues. It's back to what she told my mother's companion - "She's MINE". By the way, my mother has THREE children. My sister doesn't seem to think any of us have any rights to my mother. And apparently to a couple of lawyers I've spoken to, we may not unless we spend a fortune in legal fees challenging her. I don't understand how that can be legal.

If sis had committed several felonies, she would be behind bars. On the other hand, sis is deeply disturbed. You really should have CT Social Services check on mom's welfare. If the companion in FL will corroborate the kidnapping, call the FBI.

I hate to say it, but there are some other sides of the story here. My sister IS holding my mother hostage. She flew down to Florida where my mother has been living in the winter for years with her long time companion (they are not married but have been together for 12 years since their respective spouses died). He was recovering from a stroke after heart surgery and has round the clock caregivers but his head is fine. My mother is in early stages of dementia but is overall healthy and fine. Her friends do not know she has dementia and just thought she was stressed with worry about him. However, she was stressed about all the strangers in the house and had been yelling at the girls for weeks about stealing her jewelry (no one thinks they were and the jewelry kept turning up). It finally got so bad, his kids called my sister to come down and take care of her or they would move her to her twin's - which they did. My sister freaked out. Her husband and she started screaming elder abuse. She flew down. After two days of hysterical screaming at my mother's companion, nearly causing him to have another stroke, drugged my mother and took her back to CT. She tells my mother she will be able to return to him, but screams at him, You will never see her again. She's MINE. My sister changed the locks on their summer home which is owned by my mother's late husband's estate and is arranging with his kids to sell it. Had all his things removed. Screens my mother's calls. I had to call FL Social Services and the police to be able to speak to my mother. My sister was finally forced to turn her phone back on. My mother just thought she was having problems with her cell phone and keeps telling her companion she will be home soon. He tries to tell her what my sister is doing. But my sister has undue influence over her and she doesn't believe what he or I am telling her. I tell her that my sister is selling the condo. She asks how it that possible? It's where they live in the summer. And you say that's not holding someone hostage? My mother doesn't KNOW she is being held hostage. My sister holds her healthy proxy and POA. I am told I have no legal rights and neither does her companion who desperately wants her back. They are both 83 and love each other very much and want to be together. Is this fair for them to be split apart in their remaining time? I want to be able to speak to my mother daily even if I can't fly out to see her often. Is it fair that my sister blocks my number on her phone because she is a control freak and emotionally disturbed? I am told by FL Social Services that she has committed several elder abuse felonies and abused her POA powers. Do I have to call the police on my sister to have a phone call with my mother - who says I love you and calls me sweetie when we finally are able to speak? And tells me she is upset that she is leaving her companion for so long and can't wait to get out of the cold and get back to him - but my sister tells her she needs a few more medical tests before she can return home? So there are two sides to the story of hostage holding here.

Frankly, this is the saddest story I've heard on this or any other site. My heart aches for you both.

I am good with 'forgive and forget' but my sisters would not be able to take care of Mom. I am pretty sure she would just 'slip away' without me taking care of her so I wouldn't leave Mom with my sisters at this stage of her disease.

My sisters, what haven't they done? One time I said, "Even the Clampetts knew how to act right." They have teamed-up now, and are quite unwilling to learn how to talk to Mom. The middle sister is done with Mom and we are not speaking. The older sister thinks the solution is for me to ignore how they talk to Mom and let them say whatever they want, whenever they call, which is never. Mom gets so would-up and spun-around when they call, it takes the whole day to get her calm to where her brain is not hurting her. To me, it feels like the same old form of bullying they used on Mom and me when we were little kids.

Early in my husband's disease he walked across the street to ask the neighbors to help him call the sheriff to report that he was being held against his will. He had dementia. What is your sisters' excuse?

Good heavens! Just what you (and your mom) need ... more stress. Skype is a good suggestion. You connect, say hi, then walk away. Let them answer the same question 500 times in 5 minutes. That will give them a teeny tiny taste of what you go thru while holding Mom hostage. "hostage" ... laughable and certainly a good example of deflecting blame/guilt away from themselves.

You are holding your mom hostage? Great! Give them your monetary demands and the drop point. Tell them to come alone and no one gets hurt.

That kind of accusation should be treated with the derision it deserves.

Maybe they have dementia too.... ignore them.

Where is a group with others who are caregivers to elderly parent?

I have a brother and sister who is much older than me. My brother has no excuse now that he had to move in. My sister is now retire. I learned to black mail them or make them feel bad. Even if it's in front of their friends. I don't ask for much but I need to get out doing errors or just for me.

Jeez: what could I add to an already growing list that hasn't been said, somewhat eloquently by all! The sibs are wrong no matter what the age or what generation. Get skype. Use the phone. Your Mom at her age should be healthy and happy -- at home. I could hardly get my 93 MIL out of the house to go grocery shopping! The idea of dragging her cross country makes me want to laugh.

tell them they are welcome to rescue mom, you need the rest. Mom will be returned to your front door within 2 weeks.

After reading all of the responses, I have to agree with the majority, You have enough on your plate taking care of yourself and your mom. Personally I commend you for taking on the responsibility of trying to keep your mom at home! I am currently caring for my grandmother in-home. I have the help of my fiancé. Unlike your story though, my two brothers choose not to be in the picture at all. Our mother, an only child, passed away in her mid-50's from a rare form of cancer. And then about 4 years later we lost my grandfather. I am all that my grandmother has left, besides my own children.
Like they state here: Try to be sure you are getting some "Me" time as well. You are doing a good job......it doesn't matter what others say ( family or not).

Sascaregiver let them complain all they want.. Move on..They are not walking in your shoes..

I'm wondering about you saying that your Mom has had a heart attack, stroke and 2 stents and her Drs didn't prescribe any medication? Do you adhere to a holistic approach? Just wondering?

have a sister who lives 2+ hrs away(easy drive) after several nasty confrontations on her part, I do not speak to her. she sees mom once a year and takes her for 2 weeks. mom is now 95 with advancing dementia. By the way, mom lives 1 mile from me in assisted living. until 2 yrs ago, I would fly her up to NY or Texas to visit grand daughters and brother(hers and mine). unfortunately she still thinks she can fly with no problem and travel by car for long distances. last yr I limited our trip to 3 days on the fla coast where(we live in fla). she seemed to enjoy herself, but for me it was very stressfull and exhausting since she wants to be entertained all day. I was going to make several short trips, but did only the one. I ws going to take her on several short trips, but only did the 1. don't know how I will talk her out of trips this year! another brother lives 2 hrs away and comes couple times a year and he takes her, or his 1 son does for 4-5 days a time. I think my sister should come down and stay in hotel and visit her mom(and I will stay away during that time), but she has not. just bad mouths me-I am sure she tells everyone I am keeping her "hostage". siblings, relatives, there are always problems it seems in every family. We just do our best to keep our parents happy and try to ignore the rest of the ungrateful relatives.

Time for a reality check for your sisters and an opportunity for some respite for you! Since the sisters claim you are holding mom hostage, arrange for mom to visit the sisters for at least a month! Each one can host mom in their home for 2 weeks. You will fly with your mom and drop her off and then fly right home on the same day or the next day at most. You can pick mom up the same way - this should be at your mom's cost, btw, since you flying with her is to her benefit. In the meantime, arrange to go on a cruise or something where it will not be easy for your sisters to reach you by phone while your mom is staying with your sisters so you can have a well-deserved vacation. After this experience, I seriously doubt that your sisters will ever question you again, much less claim you are holding mom hostage. In fact, they may NEVER want mom to visit again. It will be good for your sisters to have full experience of caring for a dementia patient and good for you. Your mom will be safe and you won't need to worry about her. When you get back mom will tell you all about how your sisters abused her while you were gone. Enjoy!

And if your sisters bring you more misery than happiness, why are they still allowed into your world?